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Signs, Signs Everywhere Signs...


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#41
BluLight Jazz

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On my web site, I've written a little article on the issue of bisexual and other such labels. My best friend is bi and one of the managers of my site is bi and I love them both with all my heart. As a community who has watched others lose their life, lose their homes- careers, or attacked because of personal preferences; if we haven't succumbed to such injustices ourselves, how dare we pass judgement on our own? If a lesbian wants the right to love another woman as she so chooses, then who is she to tell a bisexual woman she doesn't have a right to love who the hell she wants? I've seen it a million times: internal predjudice and even internal racism. It makes my blood boil.
As a black girl, I see it so much even within race. Where other black people don't like other blacks who are darker or lighter than them. The struggle is the same for all of us, so why make our lives even harder by fighting amongst ourselves. To fight each other is to fight yourself. If you're striking out at an entire group of people you don't even really know, maybe it's because you don't like yourself very much for who you are.
Take a second- think about it.
We all want the same thing no matter the label...we just wanna be loved and accepted. Mind your own business; count your own money; keep your own house clean; and even if the pot can call the kettle black because it's black, too...in the end, does it really matter?
SoBlu

#42
heartmatters

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8) I don't know why folks get so up in arms about sexuality. The gfact is,...as long as you're not the one sleepin with the person, who cares what gender they're attracted to?...or , for that matter..who cares how many people they're having a relationship with? I'm monogamous cause I can't keep up with more than one woman at a time. Heck..LOL...I can't really keep up wih one! (they're just too hard for me to understand)
Far as I'm concerned, bisexuals are just tryin ta have their beefcake and get eaten too...LOL...nuthin wrong with that!
Since I'm transexual...I probably would never get a date if it weren't for bisexuals.....or queer femmes (I still haven't figured out what that's supposed to mean...but they sure get POd when ya call em lesbians!)
I guess my viewpoint is a little different than most folks. I just feel like we oughtta live and let live. Whatever makes you happy is important. As long as all the folks in a relationship are happy in that relationship...then it doesn't matter how many are in it.
I walk alone....wanna join me?

#43
mischief

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This thread makes me very upset.

Bi women like me who primarily date other women and only see men on a short-term basis really get the short end of the stick. (No pun intended.)

When we're in the straight community, we get all the discrimination that lesbians get. We get housing discrimination, threats to our physical well-being, and job discrimination. Saying "but I'm bi" doesn't make one iota of difference in those areas.

When we're in the lesbian community, we get rejection. Our authenticity is questioned, our loyalties considered suspect.

All I'm going to say here is that I am bisexual and I put women first every time. I always have and I always will. Nevertheless, I refuse to pretend that I am not attracted to men.

And no, I don't plan on getting married someday. I am *not* a recipient of heterosexual privilege. People in every area of my life know I'm queer.

#44
SweetDreamerM

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This thread has been interesting to read.

I totally agree with you, mischief. I'm a bisexual woman and while I've come to love that about myself, I feel that with others, I just can't win. There's discrimination in both the heterosexual and homosexual communities. I constantly have to prove myself, that I really am what I say I am, but if I succeed in doing so, then someone will inevitably hate who I am.

Forgive me for not quoting exactly, but something was brought up about how bisexuals eventually choose one or the other. But what's wrong with settling down? Just because I get into a relationship with a man, it doesn't mean that it was "just a phase" or "hormones" and I am no longer queer. If I date a woman, that doesn't mean that I'm simply clinging on to the widely accepted heterosexuality and calling myself bi while in transition to becoming a lesbian. I realize that this does happen, but it's disappointing to see that so many people use such cases to generalize when they know that personally, they would hate for somebody to pin a stereotype on them in a similar way.

Personally I don't like labels, and I think that they are in large part the source of this conflict. I do recognize that some people fall perfectly into one category or another, but I personally believe that the majority of people fall somewhere in between, in all areas of life. I think that even if I didn't have strong feelings for women, I'd hesitate to label myself as strictly heterosexual, because I'd be open to the possibility that someday, I may be attracted to someone of the same sex. And then what? Would I be attacked as a poser, labeled as a lesbian, shoved into some category and criticized based on one persons previous experiences? Maybe I shouldn't even identify as bisexual, because I haven't ruled out the possibility that some day, I may no longer feel an attraction to one gender. But still, somebody may come along...

It's a natural human tendency to categorize and label people or things. I think that in a lot of cases, it's a means of putting others down and lifting oneself up. As long as we can label people, we can keep them in these safe categories and determine whether or not we consider them good. Straight people can label queer people and discriminate against them. Not to generalize, but just to give an example of a thought process, a homosexual person might think, "well, the straight world has ostracized me, but at least I'm not as bad off as those bisexuals, who can't pick one side of the fence or the other." I feel like we've been shoved to the bottom portion of the totem pole.

I'm not out to a lot of people, and I've also had conversations in which I've been dismayed to find some of the most seemingly open-minded people criticizing bisexuality, "not believing" that it truly exists, dismissing all of those who identify as bisexual as sluts. I personally believe that if we all weren't so eager to determine labels, we might avoid a lot of the conflicts that arise.

Sorry, I know that I might have repeated a lot of what was said before. But those are just my thoughts on it.

#45
PetticoatLace

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I am bisexual as well, thought I would join in.

I found that I am one of those bisexuals who need both in their lives. I would be very happy with both a husband and a wife. I came to this conclusion when half my heart always seemed empty, A guy can't fill what a girl fills, a girl can't fill what a guy fills. I thought about that a lot. I felt personally like I didn't want to have to choose to live lesbian or choose to live straight when I was neither and both, and choosing one or the other isn't what my heart was built for.

I coined the term "Bi-nogamous" a few years back. I use it to mean monogamy to two, one each gender, at the same time. I think some bisexuals can be with one person at a time, others of us can't. That makes it harder. Some people may think it's loose but it's not when you have deep committed relationships. I also am not in some type of indicision. If I am bi why can't I chose both and be all I am?

I think the hardest thing about being bi is that many people will accept straights and lesbians, but they tend to draw the line on us as "going too far" or "being confused". Well, at 32 I am not growing out of it *LOL* I think I pretty much know myself, and know what I need.

Nice to know there are other bi's here :)

Ps- sidenote: I have been in equal relationship with two before- Because I have lived it, I believe it exists.

#46
Guest_faerygirl36_*

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My husband and I always dreamed of having a relationship with another woman, and although there was one who liked to play occasionally, she did not become partners with us.

I came out as bisexual when I was 22-24 years of age. I was pressured by my gay friends to jump the fence and become fully gay. I couldn't do that as I had a fantastic relationship with my husband who was also my best friend.

Flash forward 14 years and three children later, my husband had an affair with a young bisexual girl (22) and now he's living the dream again with her. I'm a single mother of three young boys and as I begin to dabble in dating anew, I wonder if I will date men or women.

When I was married I said to myself that if this relationship ever ended I really doubted that I would date men again. Why? Even though I was terribly attracted to my husband and enjoyed sex tremendously with him, I wasn't really attracted to other men in that way at all. I've had one crush on another man in my 17 years with my husband, but I have had many crushes on women. I even dated a few while in my early twenties.

Now that I'm single the mere thought of even kissing a man (who is not my husband) gives me the heebie jeebies. When I consider having sex with another man I feel like vomitting. I don't know if these feelings come from my husband's betrayal or from the fact that I'm much more attracted to women than I am to men.

Currently I'm corresponding with a woman in Fredericton, NB, the place I'm moving to in a few weeks. I'm very excited about meeting her. She's gay, in the closet, but looking for Ms. Right. I don't know what will happen (who does?), but I'm hoping that somewhere along the line I figure out what I want and what I need to be happy again. I also have a profile up on a heterosexual dating site. I've met one man who is very nice and could be a fantastic friend....we really clicked, but I'm not attracted to him sexually.

Now, about finding men attractive? There are men who really turn my crank (Hayden Christensen as Anakin Skywalker in the latest Star Wars movie - oh baby!) I'm not kidding. I have a pic of him on my wallpaper on the computer. I love the guy who plays Warrick Brown on CSI. HELLO!!! BUT... I started watching CSI because I loved the actress who plays Catherine. I started watching L&O: SVU for the actress who plays Olivia Benson. I watched Buffy the Vampire Slayer for bad girl Faith. There are a lot more ladies out there whom I find attractive than there are men.

I was married to a man with whom I spent almost 17 years of my life. Am I bisexual? Am I lesbian? I just don't know at this point. Ask me again in another 17 years.

#47
Lysandra

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I like how everyone is honest about their positions, and took the time to elaborate on them. :D

Nicole, I understand your feelings very much about not wanting to be labelled. I also understand what Dandy is trying to say about the necessity of having certain labels. I was always a very private person, and even kept my own sexuality to myself for a long time. I never came out to my family or friends. I did not see the point if I didn't believe in labels - that was my original position. But it can get really lonely at times, and I think you can continue to challenge the "conventional" definitions of a label. That is the only condition I have given myself for being willing to let bisexuality stick to me like white on rice. I will not let anyone set their standards on me, except me and myself alone. I am also willing to be open to others' ideas of what works for them, and not let that stop me from using a grain of salt for myself. :) Registering in this forum is truly a solid step forward for me, as you might see.

kahloeyes (admire the artist lady myself, too!), one thing occurred to me that you might be talking about having very clear boundaries after reading your very insightful posts. I think that works very well in hand with honesty. I thought you were writing most of your posts for me! Heh heh. You certainly have a knack for writing and having a wonderful kind of thoughtfulness with clarity. My fondest compliments.

Boundaries. Verbalizing them makes a whole of difference, and maintaining them is definitely a plus. That is part of honesty I respect very much in myself and others. Dishonesty and lack of boundaries will compound a problem, no doubt. I admit that I have a hard time with people being dishonest with themselves and with me - I like to know where I stand and where they stand. I assume dishonesty is often asociated with bisexuality merely because bisexuality represents a certain sense of dichtomy with negative connotations to it (either you are with us, or you are against us!). Only problem is - I don't buy into that particular brand of integrity. I can create my own, thank you. ;) Now what?

Fellow forum members, I do welcome you to know me better, and vice versa. I won't bite. Not even if you ask. Heh heh. I'm not that kind of cannibal, y'know.

Bad jokes aside, just because I am married to a man doesn't mean I have stopped being attracted to women nor does it mean I want to sleep with every woman I clap my eyes on. I am feeling that the "biphobia" is an insidious problem, because it is VERY easy to make the bisexual person a scrapegoat just because a gay or straight person have a hard time in terms of finding a partner romantically. I've struggled with this for a long time, and guess what? I am still bisexual. I'll never be straight and I'll never be gay. I'll never be happy with someone else's standard, except my own.

I am honest with my husband, and he has always known what is going on. He has accepted this, and he was very pleased that I have been honest with him. I am also pleased that he is one of the most uncomplicated men with an inclination to be a kind-hearted man who is extremely supportive of what I do with love. He does not see it as cheating on him - only being dishonest will be cheating to both of us. He is not interested in an open relationship, but is okay with me having a little dish on the side as long as I do not lead my FILF dame on from day one. I wouldn't mind being someone else's dish, namely my best friend's. *sigh* The attraction was definitely mutual, but that was never meant to be...that is another story.

But I digress - to each one's own to create and maintain one's own boundaries and integrity! :)

#48
Julia

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It is so sad that there are so many prejudices even within the gay and queer communitty. There is a certain comfort in being able to put a name to yourself, to being able to say this is what I want and I am not alone. But there is no need to hate other people because they don't want the same thing! I'm sorry anyone has to go through that.

#49
Tatianna

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8) What she said....... TY Julia that is so true !!!!! I am what I am. And I'm very honest about it with all the beings I encounter. I don't really think I leave a "Wake" behind; but I definitely leave an impression with people. :idea:
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take; but by the things that take our breath away....... !

When faced w/ two evils; I usually pick the one I haven't tried before. - Mae West

#50
ruebengal

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Quote

It is so sad that there are so many prejudices even within the gay and queer communitty. There is a certain comfort in being able to put a name to yourself, to being able to say this is what I want and I am not alone. But there is no need to hate other people because they don't want the same thing! I'm sorry anyone has to go through that.

You can say that again...Reading this forum is a bit scary at times.
I read once somewhere that" We fear what we don't understand and hate what we fear."..I think it's more a case of we hate the fear.

I grew up durning the 70's. A time of freedom of choices to the excess. I knew I was bi at the age of 13. I was rebel enought to not fear openly exploring my choices. When I married at 20 my mother was so happy I got over that lesbo stuff..I had to explain to her that I was never a lesbian and that I didn't get over anything..I still found gals sexy. I find guys sexy..I just happened to find a guy who I fell in love with and found him sexualy attractive enought to commit to him.

My longest relationship has been with a woman, who I love deedply but have never been sexually attracted to. Even if I had been attracted to her I never would have had sex with her anymore than I would have had sex with may male friend whom I love..I was in a committed relationship.

I never hid my sexuality from my family (including children) or my closest friends . The odd thing is I find more acceptence in the straight comminuty than I do in the gay community, whom I have lived and worked with my entire life.

I hunt , I fish , I trap, I drive big boy toys most of the time, I cook, I garden, I bore children. I wear jeans and tee shirts, I wear highheels, grow my nails long, keep my hair short. pluck my eyebrows and curl my lashes. I feel sory for people who fear that.
PURITANISM
The haunting fear that Someone Somewhere might be happy.





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