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Who Am I?


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#1
nicolevf

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Who Am I?
I am not sure when I started to question my being here. For many years I didn't think about it, I was here and obviously I was supposed to be, otherwise I wouldn't be. I was brought into this world by my producers, otherwise known as parents, but they don't know why they are here. So, why did they put me here?
In truth, I am happy to be part of now. I know that there is only Now, no past & no future, just the here and now.
It was both scary and exciting to remember that I have free will and I choose what serves me.
For so long I thought that I was here to produce others, raise them and die. I thought, if this is all I am here for why do I experience such suffering, so much hurt? Surely if it's that simple I should now be married and bearing children, if that's my purpose.
All the experiences served their consequences. I thought they were punishments of God, not consequences. When I was sexually abused as a young girl, I thought "It must be my punishment". Why, I did not know. When I was old enough to see that my Father didn't like me, again Ithought it must be my punishment. At 14, I was attacked by a janitor at my high school, and again, this was my punishment. I got away from the attacker this time, so in a way I escaped my punishment. This event brought back the memory of my childhood abuse, which I so conveniently blocked from my memory. I gained a huge amount of weight and therefore, was picked on. Again, my punishment.
When high school was over, I could not find work. My confidence was shot due to my weight and weakness to stand up for myself, sell myself. So I was unemployed for many years, this caused me to put on more weight, become less confident and my Father to dislike me even more. He would call me "Fat" "Useless". My punishment.
One morning I decided that I was going to kill myself. It maybe wrong Ithought, but I can no longer stand being punished for something I do not know. As I swallowed the sleeping pills of my Mother, I layed down and asked God, begged God, to just take it easy on me. I promised him that I would be good. That I would be no trouble. The pills did not work. My punishment?
I smartened up. If I was going to be punished, I was going to damn well be able to stand up and fight it. I lost 35 kilo's, got myself a beautiful boyfriend and received counselling. I was pretty, I was stable, had a compassionate and supportive partner and a job. Life was mine again. I built myself up, created a new body, a fit body and mind to tackle the punishments set before me. Not many years afer our family home burnt down. I lost all my belongings. Again, my punishment. But I was stronger this time.
I had a few jobs after that, I got engaged and my partner and I bought a house in my home town. 2 years later he left me. My punishment. With all that I had experienced, this was my greatest punishment of all. For the one man that I found I could trust, left me for another woman, or preferably, a young girl.
By this stage, you would maybe sympathise that I was tired. Tired of fighting, tired of trying to live like a "normal" human being. It seemed to me, no matter what I did or how I thought, I would be punished either way. I screamed at God, told him how unfair this was. That I tried so hard to be the good fiance, the good daughter, the good employee, the good everything. But all I did was in vain. I could never escape the punishments. I thought "Lets face it, you're doomed". All I could think about is what I had done wrong. Was I an asshole in my pastlife? I could not recall anything I had ever done that was bad enough to justify these punishments. If it was character building, I had no idea what character God had in mind. A nutcase? A woman who failed in every area of her life? Was I being prepared for something worse? What the fuck was I here for? All these things I thought about, contemplated, meditated on.
I had my own place, renting in a near by suburb. It was a nice little house and this is where I was going to heal my wounds. I hid from the world in this little home. Sometimes I yelled and thrashed myself, other times, I cried and found support in myself. I moved back to my hometown a year later. By now I had a good job, nice car and was earning a nice pay packet. I had some great friends and liked the people I worked with. I worked in the garden on weekends and meditated often. I grew my own herbs and looked after my cat and I as best I could.
Its over three years now, since my ex left me. And I am no longer punishing myself. I am clearer in my reasons, more aware of my existence. I'm choice. Everything that occurs, everything that I cause to occur, is my choice. How I handle it, how I observe it. I set the limitations on me, I choose the "good" and the "bad". It's all about me. How I choose to experience myself, who I choose to be. I can create myself, create my experiences. If someone elses experience is forced upon me, then it is upto me how to deal with it. I can see it as a punishment and wallow in it, or I can feel it for what it is, their issue, not mine. It's what I allow into my experience of what happens. How I perceive it. I have seen much and I felt many wounds, to heal them is my purpose. I create my experience of life. What I feel, I bring into it. If I think shit, I experience shit. But if I feel love, I experience it. I also faced the fact that I am bisexual, preferring women a little more than men because of their undeniable feeling and intuition as well as their skin..mmmm.
My punishments, are my illusions. My illusions are my punishments.
I have now created a life that serves me well. I strive to live the grandest version of the greatest vision ever held of Who I Am.
If this is of any use to anyone, of any help. As always, I am happy.

Blessings

Nicole xx

#2
pagangoddess26

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Holy Crap!!
I'm speechless!
I felt the same feelings as you felt when reading your post . . . I just never had any guts to follow through with killing myself or losing my weight. I'm over voluptuous . . . *sigh*
I've come to grips with it . . .it's making me nervous being so fluffy because of my health but . . . I'm workin' on it.
I can't believe that your ex left you for a younger woman! And good for you for finding who you are and what your are about.
I'm finding out who I am too. FINALLY!! I found a job that I absolutely adore right now! Now I'm ready to fall in love and make a home with some chitlin's. hee hee hee
You are a very brave woman, Nic. Never forget that!
Yours
CelticKnot28
~Never discuss politics or religion with friends or family because opinions are like assholes-- everyone has one and everyone thinks everyone else’s stinks.~

#3
nicolevf

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:) Hi Raven

Thanks for your kind words. I am happy knowing you are finding yourself. The fact that you didn't follow through with an attempt of suicide does not mean you did not "have the guts", it meant you had the courage to not do it. I had lost my strength, that's why I tried, but you have strength and that my darling, you can be very proud of. As for losing weight, it's how healthy, not how fat. Voluptuous is beautiful.
You will fall in love, if that is what you choose to be. I wish you nothing but love Raven...there is nothing else you need :wink:
Keep strong, stay beautiful and love. Thanks again chicky...you're a star.

Luv Nic xx 8)

#4
dandy_lionness

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Nico,

Your post left me with many reactions. First of all, I can completely relate to your journey. I have had many similar things happen in my life and for a while, I felt lost because of them. I questioned who I was and more importantly, why I was here! I guess I just want to say that it seems you've come a long way, so from someone who understands, KUDOS!

I personally agree that everything is a choice. If we can't control things that happen to us, we can control our reactions. And the more we suffer, the more we appreciate what we do have. Thanks for writing such an intelligent and inspiring post.


That's Dandy :roll:
What do you mean there's nothing in my Cracker Jack box?

#5
nicolevf

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:P Hey Dandy

Thanks for reading my take on life, and giving me some feedback. I really do appreciate your thoughts. I could say "sorry" that you have had a very similar journey, but instead I will say "well done" for still being here, for believing in you. I know you are training to be a Naturopath, an excellent choice for you. When all is said and done, at the end of the day when we wash off our make-up, take off the jewellrey and clothes...we are who we are...and we're pretty damn good :wink:

Thanks again and bless your lil heart dandy

Luv Nicole xx

#6
pagangoddess26

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thank you for the happy thoughts.
Okay, I'm going to hit on you . . .
You are too cute and sexy in your email. The original email . . .
It's hard to not label yourself . . . I find that I want to put a label on what I am, straight, lesbian, bisexual . . . I am who I am. There's nothing that I want to change. I"m finally being happy with who I am. Of course, there are outside forces that make my life a little stressful, but I"m just trying to live through them and work them out.
I finally found a job that I love so now I just need to expand on it to make a little more money so I'm comfortable in my life. I'm also looking to fall in love--well, I am in love with a woman, but I don't know if she'll want me in the end.
I've posted several other posts regarding her six month vow of cellibacy. Her last gf frappe'd her heart then gave it back to her in a smoothy glass. She needs to work on her heart and soul . . . of course, this happens when I want her back in my life . . . I don't know if things will work out between the two of us or not. I hope so . . . she's a great woman and she was in love with me when I first broke her heart. I didn't break her heart on purpose . . . I was in a funky place in my life when I couldn't come to grips with the fact that I like women more than men. And my family is really against same sex relationships so . . . I sort of talked myself out of wanting to be with her so in turn broke her beautiful heart. *sigh*
I'm trying to make it up to her . . .
Well, talk to you soon.
Yours
CelticKnot28
~Never discuss politics or religion with friends or family because opinions are like assholes-- everyone has one and everyone thinks everyone else’s stinks.~

#7
nicolevf

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Is it me you're hitting on pagan? woohoo :)
Thanks for the compliments, I'm blushing :oops:

I hope this woman is the woman. My computer has crashed and in repair so I am using my parents, damn! I'll be able to write more when in the privacy of my own home, until then may the sun always shine in your heart darlin.

Luv Nic xx

#8
phoenix99

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Nothing is more beautiful than a woman who knows who she is, knows what she wants, and goes out and gets it, and stands for something no matter what others may do or say. It shows true strength to make it out of tough situations, to not give up and to say, today I am me, and this is how it is. That's totally hot.

Just my .02 :)
------------------------------------
But he that dares not grasp the thorn
Should never crave the rose.
- Anne Bronte, "The Narrow Way"





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