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a heavy topic "overweight"


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#1
tomboygirrl

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Wel my girlfriend is just too heavy. We have been dating for 2 years and we have tons of fun. We have some things alike (kids) but are very different in lots of deeper ways. I feel she puts more energy into the relationship than I do in lots of ways especially physically. I always respond to her but I hardly ever initiate sex and I would if her body turned me on. Her spirit does but I wish she would even want to try to improve herself a little like lose 50 pounds. Anyway I never talk about this with her she gets too defensive. I think she knows I would like it if she lost weight but we dont talk about it. Any advice? :? :?

#2
Guest_Anonymous_*

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Quote

Wel my girlfriend is just too heavy. We have been dating for 2 years and we have tons of fun.

This is a very interesting topic. I have always wondered what attracted women to other women...and in some cases it might sound vain, but I love to look at beautiful women...big or small, I just love when a woman takes care of herself as do I...now I'm not saying that I'm into femme's or anything like that (not that there is anything wrong with femme's...its just not my thing). My question to you would be...what attracted you to your girl in the first place? And is it possible to look past her weight and focus on doing fun things that can also burn 600 calories at the same time...? :wink:

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I always respond to her but I hardly ever initiate sex and I would if her body turned me on. Her spirit does but I wish she would even want to try to improve herself a little like lose 50 pounds.

I dunno...I think that this comment is pretty harsh, there are some things people can change and there are other things that they cannot change. If your girl is an obese individual...then she needs help in regards to her overall health, and I feel that, that is a issue that you should be more concerned about...if she is not obese person, then maybe you should encourage her to work out with you. Losing 5, 10 or 15 pounds is no light task, and I think that those women with speedy metabolisms should be sensitive to that...I do agree with you tho somewhat...I hate it when you first get into a relationship...and in the beginning, everything is amazing and then out of nowhere, your partner gains like 70 pounds...if thats the case then you REALLY need to sit down and discuss some shit. It should be in the intrest of all couples in relationships to keep certain things tight (i.e. your ass), only to show your partner that you have NOT gotten comfortable with them being there.

If her weight is bothering you that much...(up until the point that you are not sexually attracted to her), then you guys have to be careful because you never know what can happen...

*and back to my 6,000 sit-ups a day*....just kidding :lol:

#3
Carrie

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It's really tough to get someone motivated to go to the gym and be into fitness. (My boyfriend is a personal trainer and even he has a hard time convincing me to go with him when i don't feel like it!)

I think it is important to sit her down, assure her that you love her, and ask her if she truely is happy with herself at that weight and if she feels healthy. If she does, feel happy for her that she isn't constrained by society's beauty standards. But don't neglect your own feelings. It might come down to telling her that you are just attracted to more toned women. Just try to keep this as positive as possible!!

If she isn't happy with her weight, there are a ton of things you can do.
Go to shape.com for new recipes and fitness plans. Start making all your meals at home (think equal portions of a complex carb and protien) Get books (try Body for Life by Bill Phillips)

She will stick to her new program a lot better if you are her workout partner! Start slow at first, if she is really out of shape maybe just walking for 20 min every morning. If money is no object you can join a gym together and hire a personal trainer to develop a personalized fitness plan.

The hardest thing is sitting down and having a positive conversation without anyone getting upset. All that being said, would you still love your SO if she were in a car accident and became disfigured? How much of your relationship is based on looks and how much on who she really is. Looks aren't the end all be all.
"Where are you now? I'm trying to get by with never knowing at all. What is the chance of finding you out there? Or do I have to wait forever?"
~Michelle Branch

#4
missy40

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Wow Tomboygirrl,
I have to say that I feel kinda bad for your girlfriend. :( You say you have been dating for 2 years, was she the same weight in the beginning? Do you know if she has anything that would cause her to be overweight? You don't mention if you are thin, fit, or inshape.....are you? If so, then what attracted you to her in the first place? You say you have tons of fun together and that her spirit attracts you. She sounds great to me. You never initiate sex, have you ever had that happen to you...ever? Imagine for one moment how that must make her feel. Are you without flaws? I know I'm not, but my partner loves me for me, some wrinkles, loose skin and greying hair, yet she still loves me after 4 years.
You also say that your girlfriend puts more into the relationship, she must love you very much. Again I say, I feel bad for her. If you don't feel the same for her then let her go. Why do you stay in the relationship if you are not physically attracted to her. What keeps you in it?
I am sure there will be plenty of women out there that would love to have and be around someone that is fun and has a spirit to match.
I see that you first posted this almost 2 months ago, perhaps things have changed for the both of you, maybe you are not together any longer, maybe she has lost some weight, maybe she has found someone that will appreciate her for all she is.

Missy40








Quote

Wel my girlfriend is just too heavy. We have been dating for 2 years and we have tons of fun. We have some things alike (kids) but are very different in lots of deeper ways. I feel she puts more energy into the relationship than I do in lots of ways especially physically. I always respond to her but I hardly ever initiate sex and I would if her body turned me on. Her spirit does but I wish she would even want to try to improve herself a little like lose 50 pounds. Anyway I never talk about this with her she gets too defensive. I think she knows I would like it if she lost weight but we dont talk about it. Any advice? :? :?


#5
BrwnEyedAngel

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There sure are alot of wonderful topics on this board. I may be sitting here for days!! :D
I have several things on my mind about this subject. Having been someone that has yo-yo'd up and down for many years, I finally got to a weight that I am comfortable with. By many standards I am still considered overweight. The plus side for me is that I am healthy, active, and happy. My Partner went through many of my ups and downs and never did she make negative comments, she was always supportive and she was never turned off by my body. She is thinner than I am but that doesn't seem to matter to her. She has recently gained weight and is having problems with her thyroid and this is causing her some distress, I just listen to her, support her in her concerns and I know she will get it under control with the help of her Dr.
We have also started walking together and dancing silly around the house. It is alot of fun, we laugh and my daughter thinks her "Mom's" are crazy, but she joins in for the fun too.
Tomboygirrl, if you are so concerned about her GF's weight then why not get moving with her. Most of all though, be honest with her. If you are not physically attracted to her she must sure sense it, and like Missy40 says. "I feel bad for your girlfriend." One would think that 2 years together you would just love her for her.
I am curious to know how things are going since you posted this as it has been sometime. I hope for the both of you that you were able to work it out.

Wish I could write more, but work calls.

#6
MyHrt4U

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HI there, I read this post with much interest and I don't know if what I have to say will help in anyway but I would like to tell you my story.
My girlfriend and I had been together for almost 3 years, she was funny, outgoing, smart, creative, and most of all she was an incredibly loving individual. Yet, her weight was bothering me. She probably needed to lose 40-50 lbs as well, but she did not seem upset by it. I on the other hand was not very attracted to her at this point and it was tearing me up. We spent a great deal of time together, she was amazing with my 2 kids, she has one. We practically lived together. I know that I used to miss her when she was not around, yet when she was and we would go to bed I just didn't want to make love with her.
Well, she got sick. She was diagnosed with uterine cancer. She underwent several sugeries as it had spread, she went through long treatments and illness. Her laughter always remained, she kept a smile on my face. She lost her hair, she lost weight (too much). She never gave up hope, she was always positive. Yet, I felt my life falling apart. What would I do without her.
It was then that I realized how much I truly loved this woman, that I would just love her for all she is, for who she is and take joy in knowing that her love was always true.
She survived. She is in recovering. Her hair came back different and she has gained her weight back and then some from the medications...but, I will never, ever want her to lose weight again. She is the light in my life, she is MyHrt and I love her now with everything that is in me.
Tomboygirrl, if you don't truly love her then do let her go. Because somewhere out there is someone that will love her for all that she is. If you do love her then please, I hope for you that you never go through what I did. Love her for her for what she brings to your life and embrace it with all that you have.


In love with the one that holds MyHrt.

#7
viletshadow

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Wow! I really enjoyed the posts on this thread. I would love to know what happened between tomboygirl and her gf. I know how it feels to have someone not initiate sex. It hurts like hell. I'm sure she senses something is wrong. You two really need to talk. I will recommend an easy, but effective workout. It's the oxycise videos. They have helped alot of people. It has given me alot more energy. I hate most workouts, but this is only 15 minutes. Some other easy tips are giving up elevators and taking the stairs and parking as far from the store as possible. If you two workout together it could be a bonding experience :)
*~~V~~*

#8
tomboygirrl

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well this is tomboygirl and i am hurting so bad I want to die.
My girlfriend and I have been thru hell because I admitted my feelings on theis website.
She has never forgiven me even though I talked tomy therapist and sponser about it and have gotten past it. I let it go. I love her with all my heart and want to be with her always to grow old with her because she is beautiful. We have had great and wonderful sex where I am the agressor. she has the body of the goddess and I was too wrapped up in my own issues to realize it. But we have had fights. the ones where I say why cant you talk to me about your feelings and she says "i cant thats just me take it or leave it" and the ones where I say "why dont you let me help you with the things in your life since you help me all the time and take care of me when ever you can" and she says" well i just do for myself and take care of myself thats me take it or leave it" I think having a fight shouldnt be the end of the relationship but now she has dumped me twice in 2 months. she wont even talk to me and the last time she told me I ruined her self esteem by posting here about the weight issue. so I guess I learned my lesson. I've lost the only person I ever loved deeply because I was open about my problematical feelings. I was looking for help and I got hurt. The lesson here must be to keep anything negative inside and share only the positive. I will love her forever but now she hates me and I am alone.

#9
AmiDenise

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tomboygirrl,

first of all, i want to say that i'm truly sorry that you ended up losing your girl. it sounds like you realized too late that how much you loved her and where the issues truly resided.

i know that you're really hurting right now, but i sincerely hope that you will be able to take something positive from this situation. namely, i hope that you understand now that when there are issues within your relationship, the first person you need to talk to about the issue is your partner.

i wish you the best of luck with your therapy and your future loves.

ami
One should no more deplore homosexuality than left-handedness. ~Towards a Quaker View of Sex, 1964

(As a left-handed lesbian, I'm particularly fond of this quote.)

#10
tomboygirrl

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I am in the hurting cant stop crying phase. I want to go to bed and not get up. I feel as if my heart has been torn in two. For 4 years we shared everything, the bad times when her mother died and my father passed away, and the good times when we went away together to P town and other wonderful weekends. Even the Saturday barbecues when the kids were getting along. I am lost with out her in my life. I feel empy. Our relationship wasn't easy for me in the begriming. I was fearful of any relationships and very frightened of getting hurt, but the years and her gentle reassurance made that fear dissipate. I began to trust again after a 10 year abusive relationship and years of therapy. She was the stimulus to learn healthier ways to deal with my feelings. She helped me to heal . she brought creativity into my analytical life and that is part of me now. But I feel like half a person. I think part of the problem is that she gave and gave but when she got stressed out she was not open enough to take. Or maybe she just didn't want what I had to offer. I miss her every
minute since she is still my lover in my head. she doesn't want to talk to me and I am filled with only sadness and fatigue. I really don't feel strong enough to get through this. I sent this post as an e mail to nghtskylvr but I put it on here because I am hoping she reads this and will spend some time thinking about it. But I doubt that she will reconsider. Her days are full of many things and I am sure it leaves no room or energy to reflect about us. I on the other hand just go back to bed and sleep like the dead. I am hoping the sleep will heal my spirit and I can get past the wreckage and the pain of losing my hard won ability to love.





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