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Dating Married Women


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#1
Lise441

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I was just sitting in the middle of this huge debate between my friends about whether they would date a married woman and whether it is right or wrong to do so. I would never get involved with a married woman because that's not my ideal situation and from what I have heard it's complicated as hell, but I was wondering if there were women out there who shared the same or a different opinion about the situation :roll:
Sometimes you stand on the edge of a cliff and you jump. You jump because you're tired of being scared. Sometimes you jump just to feel the fall

#2
Masuza

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Well, as a married woman, I would of course date a married woman. Yes, it's complicated, but isn't every relationship? Bisexual women are sometimes catagorized as omnisexuals. Not to say that there aren't some who are, but for those of us who aren't, it makes it difficult. I am a polyamorous person. I have a life mate, but that isn't the only person in the world that I feel that I will ever want to connect with on a deeper level and I don't restrain myself to that. The old saying is true, "Nobody wants to play with the bi girls, except for the bi girls." So for the ladies who will date married women, thank you! It's hard enough to find a nice woman to be with, much less find a woman who accepts you, your mate, your kid, your etc.
People demand freedom of speech to make up for the freedom of thought which they avoid. -Kierkegaard

#3
Lise441

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You're right when you say every relationship is complicated, but the degrees of complication when comparing the two well one is obviously more extreme. I'm the type of person who prefers to be in a monogamous relationship with one woman and one woman only. You can call me old fashion (even though I'm young) but I feel that if I have the desire to be with more than one woman while I'm in a committed relationship then what the hell am I doing in the committed relationship in the first place. Just my thoughts, but more power to you.
Sometimes you stand on the edge of a cliff and you jump. You jump because you're tired of being scared. Sometimes you jump just to feel the fall

#4
AForgivenSin

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A subject near and dear to my heart...

I think it's easier for a bisexual woman to be involved with a married woman just beacuse of our(my?) nature. I love and make love to whom I desire. This is not to be confused with being promiscuous. :? I am monogamous. I only have one lover of each gender...lol

I can only speak for myself. I am bi and have only had one serious relationship with a woman and she was married.

I like the benefits of having a relationship with a maried woman because I felt better understood. I had been dating a lesbian before her but found myself rushed and misunderstood for the most part. She didn't understand that I couldn't have her just popping up at my door at all hours and unnanounced. She'd get pissed if I went out with a man (although she knew of my sexuality, we discussed not being exclusive and she was NOT), she didn't understand why I couldn't go out at the drop of a hat ( I have a kid who at the time was 4) and I found it unnerving to be out in public with her. ( I am very much in the closet and although I am affectionate in public, I am subtle and discreet about it.) I don't need to be 'outed' by anyone, I will choose if and when I will out myself.

My ex-Goddess was married with 3 kids. Her husband knew about us and helped with the children so that we had 'our' time. Toes weren't stepped on because the sitter couldn't make it, or my child got sick. The added bonus of the kids getting along and taking them to the park and all that, just enhanced our relationship.

As was said previously, any relationship can be a challenge and I believe every relationship has it's own set of challenges. We couldn't meet when the desire struck, we couldn't just spend the night spontaneously, we had to be guarded in front of the kids. But we had love, companionship and sharing. That for me is the biggest part of a relationship.

As for being with a lesbian, I would consider it. Of course! However, our values, needs and what is sought for in a relationship would have to be discussed and respected. I would never lead a woman on if I cannot give her what she wants/needs.

Here's the disclaimer: :wink: This is only my experience and my opinions...

Have a great day!
Annie :D

#5
roo

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Quote


I like the benefits of having a relationship with a maried woman because I felt better understood. I had been dating a lesbian before her but found myself rushed and misunderstood for the most part. She didn't understand that I couldn't have her just popping up at my door at all hours and unnanounced. She'd get pissed if I went out with a man (although she knew of my sexuality, we discussed not being exclusive and she was NOT), she didn't understand why I couldn't go out at the drop of a hat ( I have a kid who at the time was 4) and I found it unnerving to be out in public with her. ( I am very much in the closet and although I am affectionate in public, I am subtle and discreet about it.) I don't need to be 'outed' by anyone, I will choose if and when I will out myself.
:D

I'm not so sure that the problems you encountered with the lesbian you dated were because she is a lesbian. I think the problems came with the individual. Most lesbians, even those without children, understand the time constraints a parent has and will not pop by unannounced and expect you to run out the door last minute.

I must admit that a lot of lesbians don't get the bi thing and would get pissed if you went out with a man. I'm 100% gay, but have no problems with anyone who is bi. I could not, however, be in an open relationship. That is just my personal preference; it has nothing to do with my sexuality.

I don't think just being out in public with someone necessarily means people will think you are a couple (especially if you are discreet). Unless she grabs your hand or says something, you really shouldn't have anything to worry about. I have male friends, but no one thinks we have a relationship beyond friendship. I guess what I am trying to say is that if you feel outed by someone just because you are in that person's presence, it isn't that person's fault, it's your fears (unless that person is making sexual references to or about you or is trying to kiss you). I'm not trying to be mean or start a fight, just mentioning how it looks to me.

The best thing for ANY relationship is honest communication at the beginning about what you are, what you expect from the other person, and what you want the relationship to be. Many go into relationships without discussing their expectations, then get upset when the other person doesn't follow the rules. You can't follow what you don't know about. Many have sex at the beginning, yet think it too soon to talk about things like monogamy, sexuality, etc. If you can stick your tongue in THERE, you sure as hell can bring up your relationship expectations. You may want to think twice about being with someone who will not discuss it.

I sometimes sound like a therapist, lol. My view on life; do what you want with it.
A good woman is like a good book: you'll want to get lost in both for hours and be much the wiser for it.

#6
AForgivenSin

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Thanks, Roo, for your input... :)

I agree. I think it was more about who she was than what she was. I think her age was also a factor and her experiences coming out at home all had something to do with it. I must admit that although I don't blame her sexual preference for the downfall of our relationship, is sure sounds like it. Like I said, that was my experience with a lesbian.

As for the communication thing- I am very big on making things clear at the onset of a relationship, especially with a woman. I refused intimacy until things were discussed. I am asking a lot more than some women are willing to give and I don't believe in leading anyone on. I made my position clear. I think it was more an "I can change you" type attitude on her part. (co-dependency, anyone?) Like you said, your preference is 100% monogamy with a woman, mine is 100% monogamy with one woman and one man, she agreed and then tried to change it by force. She knew my desires before hand and failed to accept them. She knew I was dating (men and women) and she was dating freely as well. I just think that if you know what you are getting into, you can't bitch and moan about not liking it. Why order lasagna if you don't like it? If she wasn't in agreement she could've not gone there! No arms were being twisted and she wan't being lied to.

Being out in public with her, per se, wasn't an issue; what was were the very things you mentioned: public indiscretion, sexual inuendo and uninvited intimate physical contact (octopussy anyone?). I lived in Miami at the time and had no qualms about going out, dancing, walking together, hugging or touching on a friendly basis. I am a touchy-feely kinda woman, but rubbing up against me in public was offensive to me. She was disregarding my boundaries! I think it was highly disrespectful. I made my feelings clear and still she's pinch my ass, brush my breasts and act like an all around ass. I wouldn't accept it from a man I was dating, I refuse to accept it from a woman. So my fears of being outed were based quite a bit on reality. Being a pseudo-shrink I think you could say she had some serious codependency and self esteem issues to work on. (Like who doesn't?)

By the way, this relationship didnt last very long...

I agree with all you said, but I guess you missed my disclaimer- these are my opinions, based on my experiences. Maybe that will change? Right now I am talking to a gorgeous lesbian and she is well aware of my needs and desires. I am now working on finding out what hers are....

Have a great day, Roo!

#7
kahloeyes

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I am So glad you came on the boards AForgivenSin,

I am married, happily (well most of the time, I have those days that I do wonder, LOL) to a man, and I am bisexual. I haven't been in a physical relationship with another woman yet, but I have been in several friendships in the past where I wanted more, but at the time wasn't in tune with my sexuality on that side (I call it my female longing side, lol, because for me personally, its not the physical longing so much as it is the emotional/physical longing, that although I have a good relationship with my husband, including physical, there is something missing...and over the years I found myself often fantasizing about a relationship with a woman, even when I was having sexual relations with my husband, over time, I finally came to terms with it, etc...)

and its so nice to read that there are others like me. My husband is too, aware and we've been discussing this alot, and come to think of it today, the majority of my friends in college (non-traditional student a few years ago) were lesbian or bisexual, and ironically, my husband dated a few of the bi women that I was friends with, before him and I met...yea, weird, I know, and its like, looking back, its like They knew about me before I knew about me...and I kind of wonder if the men in our life (speaking in terms of bi sexual here) kind of attract bi women, because of understanding, or something, I was thinking on this today...so much I am still learning, questioning, etc.

I too, want a monogamous relationship with my husband and a monogamous relationship with a woman, not just a fling or a swinger situation (and I'm not dissing that in any way, its just not my preference). And the sex would be secondary for me, not that it isn't important but just like in my marriage, it wouldn't be the like, first priority, there has to be a connection there, you know what I mean...(I've had sex without the connection in the past -- during my single years, and in comparison, for me, it was missing something, I wasn't as open, relaxed, etc., its so much better if there is emotional and mental connection there, for me anyhow...for others its not an issue, etc -- why sexuality is so diverse, because we aren't robots, lol).

I would have to say though, that dating someone that isn't in a monogamous relationship already, would be sort of difficult for them, but I don't think thats only with lesbians, I think its just a matter of what someone is looking for, their needs, desires, etc. And you are correct, the key is to be very direct, in any relationship really.

As for the public expression, I think that too is a matter of individual tastes, as for me, holding hands, hugging, etc., wouldn't be a problem and I am sort of a rebel anyway so if someone was like, giving me and my ladylove the evil eye, I'd probably smile sweetly and give her the most luscious kiss right there, LOL, just to spite the homophobes (I'm terrible, I know), but I would too, give the relationship some time for her to know I'm that way, no surprises if you know what I mean...and of course if she was not comfortable with that I would respect that,

but too, I would be discreet, not because I am worried what people think of me, but because of the kids, my husband, don't want people coming up to him and like giving him hard time, my sexuality is my sexuality, etc., just as his is his, and its not like I want it to be hurtful to him or me, etc, but too, knowing him, he probably wouldn't care, but still, I do want to be considerate of his feelings, etc, and the kids especially, you know just use some sense, besides, its not like I flaunt my sexual relationship with my husband in public or in front of the kids either.

But even with my husband, if he does that like possessive type thing in public, the PDoA, and its in a possessive way, I just kind of cringe, now don't know if thats because of the male type 'see me, see me woman here like caveman type mentality' that disturbs me, its like, I'll tell him,
"hey, I'm your partner, not your status toy or trophy" but, I don't know if I would feel that way with a woman, maybe not.

And too, you can have platonic relationships that are that way, with the dropping by, etc., and I think thats where communication is so important, in any relationship, setting boundaries and respecting theirs, and so forth. I know I have had friendships, that were draining, because they were like the type where one was the giver and the other the taker, you know, the vampire types that just drain you with all their crisis, problems, baggage, etc...and its not that they do this maliciously, etc., often they aren't even aware of it. But too, I have had to ask myself, what is it that I attracted those types of friendships, because we can often give out vibes, without knowing (good book too on this, two book series, "The Helpers" "The Controllers", can't recall the author).

I think with relationships like that, understanding is essential, often times just listening because there is usually other underlying reasons for clinginess, etc., and too, there are times that we may come across as distant, etc. One thing I have learned just in the short time in reading the posts on this forum, and that is I think (and feel free to correct me if I am wrong, I am new at this), lesbians have a hard time meeting other lesbians in their areas, this varies from urban to rural, region, etc., but it seems like there needs to be more in like ways to meet, etc., other than bars and clubs (which alot of times can be expensive). But too, on the other hand, it can be the same way I guess in meeting that right one person for you regardless of sexual orientation.

Why support is so important, for all women because there is still so much social negatives towards women in regards to their sexuality, etc...even in our so called liberated society.
"Both the oppressed classes, women and the immediate producers, must understand that their emancipation will come from themselves. Women will find allies in the better sort of men, But the one has nothing to hope from man as a whole" Eleanor Marx

#8
kahloeyes

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You know, come to think of it, it probably is really hard for a single woman to be involved with a married woman, for her more than the married woman. Because like, the married woman can go home, have someone there, the single woman goes home to an empty house...that can't be easy.

And, I have to ask this (I probe alot, think on things), if, lets say, it was a friend dropping by, not a lover, but a friend, would it have been as or felt as intrustive? In other words, does the sexual intimacy add tension there, and if so, why?

I would think that question brings up alot of possibilities, etc...
"Both the oppressed classes, women and the immediate producers, must understand that their emancipation will come from themselves. Women will find allies in the better sort of men, But the one has nothing to hope from man as a whole" Eleanor Marx

#9
RedSeaStar

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Geez, kahloeyes, why can't you live closer to Oregon?! :D You sound like just my type!
Not to decide is to decide.

#10
zkitten38

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Some of you have said that you would like a monogamous relationship with a man and one with a woman. My question is how do you feel about the husbands? Do they get one other person to be intimate with? Can it be another woman? or does it have to be a guy? And just like the lesbian might feel dating a married woman, how about the husband who only has you but you get someone else too?





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