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When to tell or not, about transness


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#1
phoenix99

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Hey everybody. My question is about trans-ness. As I am trans identified (and newly identified at that) when would you think is the best time to say something to someone I am flirting with/dating? I haven't taken any steps towards transition at the moment, so for all appearances I'm still female.

However, I would rather be treated in a more masculine way, and it's hard to get that across to people, and have them accept that. Maybe I just haven't met enough people? I would like to be upfront about this stuff, but don't really know how to.

Does anyone have any advice, or perhaps any experience with people coming out to you as trans, or whether or not you'd be open to dating someone who is trans? Of course, since this is the flirting/picking up forum, experiences should be about that, but if you have something unrelated I would most definitely want to hear in personal e-mail or on AIM. Thanks!
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But he that dares not grasp the thorn
Should never crave the rose.
- Anne Bronte, "The Narrow Way"

#2
AmiDenise

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To start with, I'd like to say how wonderful it is that you've accepted yourself for who you truly are and for taking the first steps in your transition. You get a gold star for the week!

I've experience the trans-gender flirting / dating scene from the sidelines, as a friend. My ex-husband and a friend have begun the process of their gender transformation. My ex has taken hormones for 4 years and is saving for the operation; My friend has just started taking hormones.

Both have been upfront with people -- virtually from the word "Hello". It has been a double-edged sword for both. They're have been with people who have dropped them like a hot-potato as soon as the relevation was made; they're have been people who haven't given a darn.

My friend has seen a relationship end because of his desire to have surgery and complete the transformation. His lover was happy to have him dress up and take hormones, but could not support the surgery. It was a heart-breaking end for my friend.

I think if you're just looking for a one-night stand or don't intend on having a relationship with someone, is it really their business? They don't have the slogan "What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas" for no reason. If you have a connection with the person or if you're interested in a relationship, then I recommend being up-front as soon as possible. Mind you, I'm not recommending starting conversations off with "Hi! I'm pursuing a sex change! And your name is...?", but something should probably be said before you sleep together.

One more item about your transition...

I have truly appreciated the patience with my acceptance of their transition that my friend and my ex have shown. While I never questioned their right to change their gender, or that they should do what makes them happy, I have struggled to change the gender mentally. As the hormones have affected my ex's appearance and voice, I have subconscioiusly made the switch; I no longer have to make an effort to say that I have an ex-wife or to refer to my ex as "her" instead of "him". On days that I just need my friend to be the same person physically that he's always been, he's happy to come to dinner dressed as a man. I know that he's the same person no matter how he looks on the outside, and that this is a limited ability (the hormones are starting to affect his appearance), but I truly appreciate the gift. I have to admit that, despite having been through this with my ex, it threw me for a loop when my friend dropped the "t" ball on me.

Those who truly love you -- whether they love you romantically or in a familial manner - will accept you for who you are. It may take time, but they'll get there eventually. Be patient with them and you'll both / all be better for it.

I wish you the best of luck and great happiness.
One should no more deplore homosexuality than left-handedness. ~Towards a Quaker View of Sex, 1964

(As a left-handed lesbian, I'm particularly fond of this quote.)

#3
ashleigh

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i would have to say that 'it depends.' things to consider are how comfortable are you with a trans ID, what are your intentions with the flirting and dating. speaking as a mtf person, if things progress further than just a social thing, i do tell the other person, but that is just me. i do this because i don't want there to be any feelings of dishonesty upon discovery. being 'trans' does not create a bad relationship. if anything, it merely acts as a catalyst to see how good or bad the relationship is. kind of like traveling a lot. being away from home won't destroy a strong healthy relationship, but it merely provides an excuse for a bad one to fall to pieces.

#4
phoenix99

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First of all, I want to thank both of you for replying! It's always nice to get input.

You're both right about being upfront when it comes to a relationship. I whole heartedly agree, especially since I'm not at the point where I am passing as male very darn often. I need to be honest so that the other person knows where I am coming from, and also to give them a chance to be OK or not OK with it. It sort of sucks, since you definitely cut down your dating pool by being trans. But, you do end up with the best people who are willing to give it a chance.

Ashleigh, how far along into transition are you? If you don't mind me asking that is.

AmiDenise, I have a lot of admiration for trans allies, it really means a lot to have you guys out there.

Thank you again, to both of you, for your help.
------------------------------------
But he that dares not grasp the thorn
Should never crave the rose.
- Anne Bronte, "The Narrow Way"

#5
ashleigh

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this april marks me third year living full time and hrt has been going on for 6 months now. the idea of passing used to scare the living hell out of me, but i have kinda said f#$%^ that noise and have pretty much settled with the idea that i am a t-girl and don't really care if i am anyone's particular idea of what 'female' is. one warning however, this sounds easier than it really was for me to reach that point. in the end, i believe aggrevation won out over the rest of the emotions. the emotional armour that we create to protect ourselves can be extremely difficult to be rid of after it has serves its purpose.

feel free to ask me any questions that you can think of. besides helping you, it also helps me as well.

#6
sherry41

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Being who I am is just where I am right now. I have only been on hormones for a year and a half but am now on a fast track to transition. As soon as my son graduates college I plan to go for FFS in Thailand. Then soon after I will go for GRS and breast augmentation (hormones just have not done for me what I want). Innerly I am joyously emancipated from my maleness that i tried to live up to as I was expected to. I will present male at my son's graduation and then my life will procede as it should have at birth but I never figured it out till now. I say "follow your bliss" as Joseph Cambell would say and you will find your way.
Sherry
I am intensely caring, compatssionate and creative. I am seeking a similar woman to complement me for a long lasting relationship. Maybe for life.
Sherry





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