You sound strong and, I believe have a healthy attitude about viewing the past. My beautiful girlfriend (Probably my ex because she will not accept lesbianism) carries so much baggage about "what if" I had done things differently. She is destroying herself with self hate. I suffer her pain as she is an angel (just not for me).
As they say the best education is gotten at the college of hard knocks, if you are open to the message.
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I am intensely caring, compatssionate and creative. I am seeking a similar woman to complement me for a long lasting relationship. Maybe for life.
strong in body, but the mental/emotional bit fluctuates too often. 'twould be much worse if i went the self medication route. btdt, got the scars. in certain areas, my self confidence is unshakable, in others, i might catch a fleeting glimpse of it as it skitters past. hmmm, self esteem, does the variation of the phrase 'for a tranny' ring a bell or three? don't get me wrong, i wouldn't trade things, but i find that i kick myself so much that i have to open my mouth to take off my boots.
something i ran into early on in transition were a few supposed lesbians who tried to convince me to be their bf rather than their gf. it made me wonder what part of lesbian they didn't understand and what part of mtf transsexual that they missed as well. as i was in a very unstable period, it had the tendency to really screw with my mind. i think that if they tried to shave my legs with a cheese grater would have been far kinder and more productive.
aside from trannychasers, i never imagined that being tg would ever be helpful in getting laid. but apparently the curiosity factor got the better of someone and it kind of developed into friends with benefits. she has been completely open and honest about the whole situation. it may last a few days or a few months, but she also wants to be friends. living out in the sticks, just doesn't provide a lot of hillbilly lesbians. so everything is just purely sex and just hanging out doing what friends do. as this is not a true relationship, the girlfriend experience just isn't there. she is not big on kissing and will not hold me. she also has stated at the bginning that she intends to get married, so basically i am just a fling. i am comfortable with this. between her and mt stuffed dog, i have two thirds of a girlfriend i guess. i always curl up with my stuffed dog when i sleep. the missing third is someone to hold me back. i suppose i could just go ahead and make that coffin shaped bed that i have been dreaming about and then pile all of my stuffed animals in with me and maybe that might help a little.
dreams remain just that, unless they materialize. thought i could handle it, but i thought wrong. i guess if i was more animalistic, maybe such a thing would work, but alas for all that i claim to be reduced to as close to an animal as possible and still live in human society, it just doesn't work for me. maybe i am aiming too high, i don't know. for all that i am capable of doing and have done, i still kick myself in the end that i cannot find a solid relationship because i am a tranny. self fullfilling prophecy or not, it has been reinforced by all of my past relationships save one. even my marriage reinforced it. there are times that i would love dearly to meet the person who came up with the concept of self esteem and just thrash them severely about the head and shoulders and ask them what the hell were they thinking when they came up with that crock. a few people actually see through my armour that has become instinctual. about like putting on boots after putting on socks. it is comforting and reassuring and yet sometimes scary at the same time. i resist the urge to run or fight, but the feeling is so unfamiliar, i have now working idea of what to do. by unfamiliar, i don't mean it is bad, it is just something i don't often experience, so i don't really know how to react or deal with the following emotions and situations properly. it actually makes cardboard appear to have more depth of character than i at times, even though i know this to be false.
As far as i'm concerned, it's a matter of judgement--a "need to know" basis--and most DON'T NEED to know! however, when we're talking about entering into relationships, I do believe the other person has a right to the truth.
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