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Is there any hope for a pretty transitioning M to F here?


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#11
Andi

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Greetings all. I've been reading the posts here with interest and want to throw my four pennorth into the conversation. Like so many of us girls, I knew from the age of 3 that something was wrong with my mortal 'set-up' and by 5 I had already drawn down the shutters on my curiosity and kept my mouth firmly shut around the family. As the 60s arrived I had started to discover snippets of information in the media about trans-people tho' it was mostly sensational red-top tabloid journalism aimed at selling scurrilous stories to unenlightened masses rather than intelligent reportage.

It began witha name, so simple a slip
by a teacher unversed in the 'Bi' or the 'hip'
That was still buried in future and tense
wasn't part of my make-up until some years hence
For I'm not what I seemed in those halcyon days
when Bowie and Bolan joined hands with 'the gays'
But it started and grew, festered perhaps?
I wouldn't say that, though you might eh chaps??
Long before then I had found something more
to my secret delight and I had to know more
But the anguish, the sweat, the fear of my 'crime'
the dream of sweet essence to mingle with mine.
So I watched and I listened and played with the girls,
who thought I was funny but envied my curls...
then grey flannel trousers and football boots called
and grammar school gangs didn't help me at all.
For 600 boys, not a girlfriend in sight,
left me tongue-tied and smooth-thighed - I longed for the night.
As I lay in my bed in my androgyne reverie
legs tightly closed I relied on my memory
to conjure up games and recall conversations
with girls I admired who still had no notion
of why I delighted in combing their hair
and hugging their legs, so deliciously bare.
So the years have amassed and the tension has run
through my life till I screamed, no more would I shun
the emotion, the longing, the need to remake
my life as it had been, for so long a fake.
So I live as I want now, I began to evolve
thru' the puzzle of gender which finally I solved.

It took 45 years, a marriage, a few more relationships and 6 step -kids to convince me that I owed myself a life of truth. Yes I came close to suicide a few times and the epiphany was realising that I was loved and appreciated by many and that I was running away from myself rather than the fear of being ostracised. How many times did I hear friends say "wondered when you were going to get it together.." I eventually sorted it out in Dec 2000 and have not looked back, regretted anything and enjoy wonderful times with my kids, who have all followed me in their own ways into some form of performance or creativity. My circle of friends has grown from local to global through my work as a Mother Hen/Tour Manager. I am part of a group that runs Performance showcases for amateur and working performers where I openly relate my life and experiences. I can't count the number of times people have told me how they have learnt about gender and themselves thru' meeting me and hearing about life in the 'gender shadows'.
In all my explorations of TG/TS society. Clubs, support groups etc and more recently with the arrival of the internet I have seen the recurring stereotypical
ideal of femininity that many will never achieve. Some of us are fortunate to have physiques that lend themselves to transition more easily than others. I am just over six feet tall but not too heavily built and if I stopped smoking I might actually metabolise my HRT more efficiently to create bigger tits but that's a trade-off I accept and I quite like my slender figure. After a life-long charade I decided that I was not about to take on any more artifice of implants or other cosmetic enhancements. My only draw-back (my parents having removed the male one at birth...) was that physical build, time and financial constraints obliged me to settle for a functioning clit and labia with out a woman-made vagina, but hell I would never menstruate or lubricate and I've seen enough bodily rejections causing trauma and suicides to convince me I did the right thing, FOR ME. At times I have a twinge of regret over this but it doesn't stop me from feeling more complete than I had ever done before 2000. I can come like a steam train and have had a few lovers these last few years but more importantly I know who I am and that my friends and family are genuine. I could have had plenty of men but I'm not interested, living my life as a single mature lesbian woman. My hope for all TGs MtF, FtM, whoever, is that you find your role and place in this maelstrom of life with the love and support from genuine friends and are not exploited by the mercenary or seedy characters that tend to prey on us. You can read more of my words on myspace. I am gradually building my blog there and welcome connections with y'al. Go forward with strength and dignity. Thanks to our hosts here for the opprotunity to share our lives and experiences.
Andi
The love we hold back is a thousand times stronger than the pain we fear

#12
oceans_underground

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I'm so glad I happened upon this forum, and this thread in particular.. I have struggled with the same question (unsuccessfully) for years, and only recently began noticing other women voicing similar concerns.

My unconscious awareness began to form in early childhood and I finally broke through the surface in my twenties. I began HRT five years ago, finished electrolysis two years ago, and transitioned full time last January. Financial concerns prohibit GRS, although I did have orchiectomy earlier this year. I hope to visit Marcy Bowers eventually. Others say I pass very well, both with voice and presentation (this in spite of being extremely tall).

So. I've always felt unmistakeable attraction to females. My dream was and still is to find an attractive, smart, athletic woman to marry someday. I still have hope that will happen but I've also come to accept that I don't fit into an accepted biosexual dichotomy.

See I've even struggled with using the word lesbian to describe myself. Does being lesbian indicate an attraction to biology or gender or both? For many years I was led to believe lesbians were (and were attracted to) womin-born-womin only. This ugliness was put into my head by someone I was attracted to years ago.. She helped shaped my view of queerdom, not in such a good way.

Even recently a lesbian aquaintence suggested pre-op trans women not go to lesbian bars expecting to find dates. She said pre-ops weren't really welcome unless on a purely plutonic basis, and some lesbians wouldn't have anything to do with transwomen regardless of surgical status.

It's hard not to feel just a little bitter, to be perfectly honest.

But you know, I am sexually attracted to other women. Long before I transitioned an ex broke up with me because I made love like a lesbian. One of my current roommates is a handsome guy who often walks around in nothing but boxers - I feel no excitement, no stirring.. nothing.

I live and work as a woman. I make less salary than a man doing the same job. I use the women's restroom. I am expected to acquiesce in the presence of men. I don't wear stage makeup, frilly underwear and wigs.. this isn't a weekend fantasy for me. I am discriminated against because I am a woman. I am treated differently because I am a woman.

I am also lesbian. Get used to it.

#13
Becoming Rachel

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Wow, what a wonderful group of intelligent, thoughtful and attractive women on this thread! Like Sherry and Andi, I am a "late blooming" MtF, facing a number of challenges peculiar to my late start. (There isn't as much support out there for us late starters as there is for younger transpersons.) Like Tangel and Phoenix, I also am inclined to think that an MtF-FtM relationship has a lot of interesting potential, especially for a bi-woman like myself. (Still early in my transitioning, I'm not even certain of my orientation just yet, although I'm rather certain it will include women. I guess you could call me bi-curious -- or maybe just "disoriented" at the moment. :-)) I must confess that I am new to this site so part of my motive in posting is to get my minimum posts in, so that I can start reading profiles and learning more about fascinating people like all of you.

Love and Support to All of You,
Rachel

#14
Atlantis

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I would not mind either dating some who is Male to Female or Female to Male pre or post-op. That is if they could put up with me, I am pansexual and gender fluid (mostly male feeling, though I have a soft feminine side, she keeps me out of trouble, hopefully. :sofa: )





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