Jump to content

Breaking up is hard to do


21 replies to this topic

#1
Katherine

  • Members
  • 7 posts
I have just broken up with a woman with whom I am in love. I think I have just done something which sounds wrong, but seems right. The relationship had many problems especially that she didn't fit well into my world. No one I hang with liked her or ever wanted to be in her presence again! What sounds wrong is that I think I have followed my head instead of my heart in this decision. Every cliche seems to say follow your heart, but it seems wrong here. Has anyone of you had to break up with someone you loved? Any similar situations or ideas about this?
Katherine

#2
Belle Soft Stud

  • Members
  • 9 posts

Quote

I have just broken up with a woman with whom I am in love. I think I have just done something which sounds wrong, but seems right. The relationship had many problems especially that she didn't fit well into my world. No one I hang with liked her or ever wanted to be in her presence again! What sounds wrong is that I think I have followed my head instead of my heart in this decision. Every cliche seems to say follow your heart, but it seems wrong here. Has anyone of you had to break up with someone you loved? Any similar situations or ideas about this?

Your situation echoes mine in that the relationship I just got out of had seemed to foster a number of problems. And, when she told me she felt tied down and had often wished she were single. I gave her what I thought she wanted and what I honestly thought would have been best; a break-up. Now I too am feeling as if I made the wrong decision and that I should have followed my heart and tried the "Lets give each other space" thing (which we've made an attempt at several times) but rather I went with my head. I'm kicking myself in the ass and not having an extended network or friends or the few friends I do have not being readily available. I'm finding it hard to cope because I still care about her. I am trying my best to fight any temptation to contact her for the fear that I will ask her back. And, who is to say she'll do me the courtesy of ignoring my calls or text messages?

But in the end I know the decision was right but I just have to "be strong and hold on" to my dignity in the least :)

So - you are not alone!

#3
ashleigh

  • Posting Members (3 or more)
  • 190 posts
the bitch about ending any relationship, whether good, bad, ugly, or for whatever reason, is that you have just lost something. in any relationship you have invested time, energy, yourself, other things. when that is gone it hurts like hell. the end of a bad relationship should logically appear as a time for celebration, but instead we mourn the loss. not the loss of the that person, just the loss. i am just using the bad relationship as an example, but in your cases, this applies also.

#4
rebatech

  • Members
  • 14 posts
My girlfriend and I just celebrated 9 years together on may 21, on may22 she tells me its over and that she spent the day before (our anniversary date) with another woman. My heart is shattered and I feel like I want to vanish. Does anyone have any help for me? Any place I can go for support? I don't particularly like the bar scene and I am way too old to play some stupid game. I just feel so empty and alone. :cry:

#5
cs1214

  • Members
  • 4 posts
Rebatech, most cities have lesbian support groups for all types of issues. There you can find others, either in the same situation as you are, or at least other lesbian women you could make friends with to keep your time occupied until you get over the hurt.
"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind."

#6
rebatech

  • Members
  • 14 posts
How do I find these groups? I have no idea who to contact or what to look up in the phone book to find such places. I have only recently come out to everyone, so I kept my secrets by not being involved with "the culture", now I have no idea how to find whatever help is out there. Thank you for your reply though, it makes me feel better that there are others out there. Thanks again.

#7
lesbotronic

    Administrator

  • Administrators
  • 193 posts

Quote

How do I find these groups? I have no idea who to contact or what to look up in the phone book to find such places. I have only recently come out to everyone, so I kept my secrets by not being involved with "the culture", now I have no idea how to find whatever help is out there. Thank you for your reply though, it makes me feel better that there are others out there. Thanks again.

Hi there. Very sorry to hear about your emotional pain right now. 9 years is a long time, and ending a relationship of that nature is a tremendous life change. We'd heartily concur with the other posters that something like a support group would probably be the best thing for you right now. It doesn't need to seem very "psychological" in nature if you're not into that, nor does it need to "cure" you of anything, but just spending time with others in a similar situation, where you can emphasize together face-to-face . . . some other folks with whom you can talk freely without fear of judgement or homophobia can't help but help at least a little, you know? Good chance you'd even make new local friends, which could also be a bonus.

Like cs1214 said, most larger cities have lesbian support groups. However, you didn't say where you lived, not that we've noticed. :) (If you said somewhere else, please forgive us for not noticing, yet.) Anyway, many major metros have GLBTQ support centers of some sort. Good chance they're in the phone book, or maybe you could find one also with a thorough Google search. Or, perhaps someone already on this forum knows of one you could connect with, but again, you'd probably need to give us a city. If the center itself doesn't currently have a group you could attend already ongoing at their facility, it's likely they'd be aware of where such things might be taking place elsewhere. In our experience, most of these things are free of charge, and the ones that aren't cost very little money. These sort of centers tend to be extremely welcoming to those in their community. Another little word to the wise, and while I don't know that this is necessarily true in your case, in our experience you'd probably have better luck finding a more general GLBTQ center in your local community and asking them about a support group rather than trying to look up "support groups" generally. Meaning, a lot of support groups that are very fine aren't publicized or don't have the money to advertise themselves enough that they'd have their own entry in any phone book, they probably exist as an activity connected with a more general center, if you know what I mean.

Also, we have a LOT of women on our little forum right here that are very supportive. :D Please do check back and tell us how you're doing, we'd all love to hear.

Best of luck in your journey, and we hope you'll be feeling better as soon as possible . . .

#8
rebatech

  • Members
  • 14 posts
Thanks to all for your concern and support. I live in Canton, Ohio so I should be able to find some help close to home. I appreciate all your suggestions and will check out the resources available as soon as the weekend ends. Right now, I am just trying to stop the tears. Thanks for all your help and this wonderful website!

#9
Archergrrl

  • Members
  • 9 posts
Katherine, belle soft stud and Rebatech...my heart goes out to you. I too, am in the same situation. My GF ended it with me on May 3rd, after 5 intensely wonderful years. "Wonderful" for me, at least. I had no clue that she was feeling as if our interests and hobbies were that different....she said she "wanted something back", meaning that she wanted a partner that "walked at her side instead of in the background". I was crushed, but she said we'd talk about it that night. (I always walked at her side and fully supported everything she did.) It was so abrupt, too. She told me 20 minutes before she had to go to work, then told me later that day that she needed the night off to think, and we'd talk the next day. I went to my mom's place for the night, came back home, made a romantic dinner, and then danced around the subject until I guessed that she wanted out. I feel like I've been "led on" for the last year...feeling as if she only stayed because I was "convenient" to have around.

I'd like to think that I'm strong enough to go forward, but its very hard. So far, each day has gotten a little bit easier, a little bit less tears, (except the days it took to move my stuff out), but the hurt is there, I still miss her and have all those "angry" feelings about being hurt. But believe it or not, things will slowly get better for you, Rebatech and Katherine. Let's hang in there......
Restita
(Call me "Rusty")

"Are we there yet??"

#10
rooo

  • Members
  • 7 posts
Rebatech my heart goes out to you. And to the rest of you as well, but I can identify completely with Rebatech. Although it's been several years now, the memories are still there like it was yesterday. I too was with my ex wife for 9 years, just 10 days short of our 10 year anniversery and two days after a dozen red roses, she decided that we were over, that she just wanted to be friends, never mind what I wanted. I was devastated to say the least. Not only was she leaving me, she was taking the only children I would ever have with her. Most of my friends were "our" friends and it felt like I was all alone. All I wanted to do in find a hole and crawl into it. Well, long story short, that is what I did. It took some time but I eventually stuck my head back out, then the rest of me followed. I had gone from living from day to day to living minute to minute. Eventually. I could see past an hour, and then a day. I have a new set of friends who are very supportive of me and I've even managed to keep in contact with my children. So, life does go on, sometimes not at the rate we would like it to, but it does move forward. So, as it moves forward, feel free to jump back in when you're ready.

If you ever want to talk, feel free to contact me at nightskylvr@msn.com

I understand and I'm a great listener.
Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, totally worn out, thoroughly used up, and loudly proclaiming, "WOW.....WHAT A RIDE!!!





1 user(s) are reading this topic

0 members, 1 guests, 0 anonymous users