Jump to content

How do you know?


10 replies to this topic

#1
Jess2185

  • Members
  • 7 posts
I don't really think I fit either 'butch' or 'femme' and being..."gender blind" I kind of base how I act, react, and such on how the person I'm with cues me to act. If they act as though they need me to protect them from "bad humans"(for lack of better term), then so help me I'll die trying. Then again, should they give me the cue that they want to be the leader, the one who is the protector, I'll be their... "damsel in distress" as it were, let them protect/rescue me. :) Then there is the third category of people, like me who just kind of make it up as we go, and always have that go with the flow attitude.
In anime, and maybe real life, they call these three things, uke, seme, and andro. Seme is really dominant, has to be the realtionship leader. The uke is the submissive, must have a leader type person. The third does either depending on what their partner cues them to do. Well this is basic anyway, and very general.
I was reading some of these 'butch/femme' posts and I don't need a label, obviously, but looking at my behavior, I think I'm that middle, andro person who just does whatever. I was wondering what kind of thoughts other people had on the whole "gray area" here, since I'm pretty new at this and don't really know where I might fit or who might be attracted to me..or not :D .
These are just my thoughts about knowing where you fit in case you were curious. I am certainly curious.

#2
unmourneddeadnair

  • Members
  • 3 posts
I really agree with what you're saying, and I think I'm kind of like that too. Or at least I'd like to think I am . . . haven't had much of a chance to be any sort of a protector. My ex-girlfriend said, "If anything, you're the damsel in distress" jokingly in an email once when we were talking about exactly this. But she was very damsel-in-distressy too! Just very aloof and out-of-touch with her emotions. She was definitely a lot smaller than I am, and I don't shave but she did. I don't have a masculine face, though, and I wear dresses/skirts/heels more than she did (with the aid of -- omg -- tights. Love tights). *shrugs* Anyway, I don't think the titles ("butch" and "femme") really worked for us. Maybe they generally don't work for teenagers anyway, though. Who knows.
Posted Image

#3
alchemist

  • Members
  • 6 posts
I agree. I don't consider myself butch or femme. I believe myself to have a balance of feminine and masculine characteristics. Of course in certain areas some traits are stronger in feminine and others are stronger in masculine. I think we cheat ourselves if we are not internally balance no matter if your male of female. So while I'm sttracted to women who are obviously feminine in looks and I like the woman I'm with to have some degree of balance within. Because frankly there are times I like to be protected and other times the protector ( at times submissive and other times dominant). I don't know if I can have and maintain a healthy relationship with a woman who is too masculine or too feminine, because there maybe times I need something that someone who is too masculine or too feminine can't give me. My last girlriend was very balanced as well.

#4
sparro

  • Members
  • 4 posts
I identify as femme. I'm told that surprises some when they see my picture. That changes when they get to know me. I have had the privilege of knowing many women across the gender/identity continuum. Some are "Butch in the streets, femme in the sheet", Stone-Butch or High-Femme, while others as those who have posted here go with the flow.

So, how do you know? In my experience...

It's in the way I feel safe and protected when I'm in her arms. When she looks at me in just that way, I completely melt. It's how I feel in the depths of my soul. It's knowing I could never be anything else other than femme. It's something that come so naturally to me, that I don't really question it. But, it's also more than emotional. Sexually, I'm a bottom, always have been always will be. That doesn't mean I can't be aggressive.
In many ways, I'm what some would call a typical 50's style woman. Meaning, that I'm pretty domestic, don't have any desire to get grease or dirt under my fingernails unless it's in the garden or wood-working.

On the flip side, I am independent, self-reliant, and can hold my own in most any situation. I know how to change a tire, but the only time I would do so is if I couldn't reach AAA or a nice Butch to do it for me. :wink: I can hook up the stereo, dvd player, computer, and most other forms of electronics. But again, I will happily hand the tools over to my Butch and supervise. lol.

#5
ode

  • Members
  • 2 posts
I’ve watched lesbians change their very chameleon identities many times through the years in terms of the butch or femme identifiable image as a public and personal statement. Some of us are cast in an identity that no person or event could ever change us from (except possibly with the use of a scud missile-LOL) while others tend to coordinate personal identity with things like environmental pressures, work stresses, desired imaging, and simply put – the tendency to please whomever has caught our eye in terms of romance. It’s a maturity thing really – as one matures and gains self-confidence, one develops the outer image personal identity that comes from within. After that, the definition of a butch or femme is basically born in the eyes of the beholder. Whatever your personal comfort level allows you to call it is what it is – for you. You are free to choose how you wish to identify yourself, and free to change that image at liberty. What remains germane is that you be yourself first and then adapt to the one you care for as you develop a relationship based upon personal honesty.

#6
unmourneddeadnair

  • Members
  • 3 posts
That's a very good point, about it largely having to do with others' perceptions. Appearances play a huge part in it, even more than personalities do, when it comes to the labels others put on us, because most "labellers" won't know us personally. And then there's we ourselves, and if we label ourselves, we may not know ourselves as well as those who are very close to us, say, a girlfriend. A girlfriend would probably be the best bet to "label" someone, but a good partner probably won't want to do any "labelling".

Wow I think I just made my head spin. :?

#7
Amathyst

  • Members
  • 7 posts
I'll give you my opinion. I think you should look within yourself. I wouldn't conform to your environmental factors around you. Just be true to yourself because that is the only way you will ever be truly happy. The searching-out and thorough investigation of truth ought to be the primary study of yourself. The way to gain a good reputation, is to endeavor to be what you desire to appear. The fact is, that to do anything in the world worth doing, we must not stand back shivering and thinking of the cold and danger, but jump in and scramble through it as best as we can. We look for solutions in many places, but where is the solution? The solution is in the human heart. Inner silence promotes clarity of mind; It make us value the inner world; It trains us to go inside to the source of peace and inspiration when we are faced with problems and challenges. All that we are is the result of what we have thought. The mind is everything. What we think, we become. There are two mistakes one can make along the road to truth. Not going all the way, and not starting. A generous heart, kind speech, and a life of service and compassion are the things which renew humanity.

I have to live with myself & so I want to be fit for myself. To know I want to be able as days go by, always to look at myself straight in the eye. I don't want to stand with the setting of the sun and hate myself for the things I have done and said. I don't want to keep within a lot of secrets about myself as I come and go into thinking that nobody else will know the kind of person I really am. I don't want to dress myself up in shame. I want to go out with my head erect. I want to deserve all mans respect here in the world of the struggle for wealth and fame. I want to love myself. I don't want to look at myself and know that I'm a bluffer; an empty show. I can never hide myself from me. I see what others may never see and I know what others may never know. I can never fool myself and so whatever happens, I want to be able to be self-respecting and guilt-free.

You know you are in love when you see the world in her eyes, and her eyes everywhere in the world.
I just consider myself a random collection of cells that insists on saying "I".
http://www.myspace.com/amathyst2

#8
TheaRenee

  • Members
  • 7 posts
See I really struggle with the words butch and fem and all the combinations in between. I hate labeling myself cause I really don't know which I am, but I also feel like that's something that possible partners are going to want to know about me. It's really frustrating!

#9
ode

  • Members
  • 2 posts
Just be yourself. Your identity may shift somewhat depending upon the dynamics of your interaction with different personalities. Forget the labels; they hinder the spirit. Enjoy the journey of discovery, and see how it all shakes out. :wink:

#10
TheaRenee

  • Members
  • 7 posts
Thanks for the advice! It's so nice to finally have a place where I feel comfortable talking about this!





1 user(s) are reading this topic

0 members, 1 guests, 0 anonymous users