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I came out and my family is making it hell for me


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#1
Eicart

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I am 32 years old and still live with my parents due to financial reasons. i came out to my mother in a conversation a few weeks ago and now she is making my life hell. i spent the night with my girlfirend last night and did not get home until 7 Am this morning. my mom was there waiting up for me and she made snide remarks about me being a lesbian. I went to bed since I did not get too much sleep and when I got up she said some more snide remarks. She does not approve of my lifestyle and does not like the fact that I am a lesbian and stay out all night with my girlfriend. She does nt even want to meet my girlfriend and some how thinks I can decide not to be a lesbian. prior to my coming out and meeting my girlfriend I never went out on weekends. i just stayed home with my parents and did nothing. But I am happy with my life style and who I am. I just wish my family especially my mom.

#2
Guest_jekessans_*

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Basically by living with your folks and then telling them about your orientation is like living in the middle of a battle zone. Until you leave their little straight nest, you're gonna' have to put up with an ongoing barrage of their homophobic flack.

Get your own life by getting yourself together financially and moving out because in the ned money buys power and in your case it will ensure you have the freedom to live the life you want without incurring an onslaught of flack from your folks.

Just remember this equation: Money + Your Own Place = True Freedom

#3
Ramona

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Hi there. I certainly sympathize with your situation; homophobia in any format or via any relationship is obviously major crap and can be emotionally difficult for even the strongest of lesbians. So I definitely wish you luck in coping with that and its repercussions. But other than that . . . basically what jekessans said. :)

Have you lived with your parents full-time always, or is this a more recent thing? (You said "still live" but I wasn't sure how long-term a situation that had been for you.) I would never have come out to my parents until after I was no longer under their roof, since I knew in advance they wouldn't approve, and I didn't want to bear the brunt of that disapproval on a daily basis. However, since I left home for good (only returning for occasional visits, not to live there or have my parents pay any major bills associated with my personal upkeep) at age 17, obviously that was an easier proposition for me. Do you have a personal hardship or other major life difficulty that dictates that you MUST live with your parents right now? I guess I can't help but wonder WHY you're still under their roof, but I also understand that there may be important factor(s) not shared in your post related to that that dictate your current and possibly future decisions. Obviously you don't have to share if you don't feel comfortable doing so, but not knowing more details on the why of that makes it more difficult to even attempt to give you constructive feedback.

I'm also thinking back to how it was living with my parents back when I did, and the probable "battle zone" and "ongoing barrage" jekessans mentioned. I did manage to get around their strict household rules from time to time, but I have to imagine that sneaking out your bedroom window at night feels a good deal sexier at age 15 than at age 32. ;) Parentally-endorsed "slumber parties" also seem less likely. ;) My parents would never have approved of my being anywhere they didn't personally practically write me a permission slip for late at night, much less unexpectedly being out all night and coming in after dawn. Definite flying off the handle would have occurred. Mind you, any disapproval around that sort of thing needn't have been related to even the vaguest suggestion of sexual activity on my part, much less homosexual sexual activity (GASP!!!). Merely being anywhere other than my bedroom (alone) in the wee hours of the morning without their express permission would have been more than sufficient to raise their ire. All this is my rather long-winded way of saying it sounds (to ME, anyway) like there is some interpersonal stuff with your mom that's related to your lack of freedom living under her roof that isn't necessarily 100% about your sexual orientation. Maybe? ???

But you might say, "But . . . I'm %$#&-ING 32 years old already! Shouldn't I be allowed to stay out all night, at this age?"

Yes . . . but kinda no, too. Errr . . . maybe. Just a disclaimer, I'm NOT saying I know your situation. I'm just hypothesizing here, based on the little info you provided in your post, and/or others in what I imagine to be a similar situation. But if you are letting your parents support you financially and that's not an absolutely necessary thing for some important and currently not-even-remotely-easily-alterable reason, your parents probably don't relate to you as if you are 32 (or whatever age past childhood). Your mom is always going to be your mom, but moving into that "but we're also full-grown adults who can relate to each other as such" stage is probably going to be damn difficult if she still "pays your rent." If she's still responsible for "paying your rent," she probably feels on a gut level that she also has the right to tell you what to do, and that that should be only stuff that SHE approves. That's the traditional "mom" role. I think that's how that works for many moms. It's the programming. That's what the most socially common script dictates.

Another thing apart from the mom thing, strictly speaking . . . if you live with someone, ANYONE at ALL, who pays for much of your upkeep FOR you, or even if you really share collective bills (more than just platonic roommates, more like a couple) . . . and you expect that situation to continue in a harmonious fashion, you have to take their desires around how you behave into consideration, and react accordingly. This applies even to folks living together as a couple in a totally egalitarian relationship. (Don't leave your laundry there, do X with your dishes, be quiet during these hours, don't stay out past X without calling, etc.) Yes, everyone has to compromise, but any attempt at compromise that makes one party really unhappy just will NOT work longer term. If you're under the same roof and financially intertwined with someone, and you can't reach a mostly agreeable compromise around some particular behavior . . . ultimately, those financial ties have to be severed and someone has to move.

Either that or the "ongoing barrage" continues, for both/all parties. Which isn't a happy way to live. Your very sanity would be at risk.

Hope that helps! :) Feedback from anyone welcome.

#4
Guest_jekessans_*

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Quote

But if you are letting your parents support you financially and that's not an absolutely necessary thing for some important and currently not-even-remotely-easily-alterable reason, your parents probably don't relate to you as if you are 32 (or whatever age past childhood). Your mom is always going to be your mom, but moving into that "but we're also full-grown adults who can relate to each other as such" stage is probably going to be damn difficult if she still "pays your rent." If she's still responsible for "paying your rent," she probably feels on a gut level that she also has the right to tell you what to do, and that that should be only stuff that SHE approves. That's the traditional "mom" role. I think that's how that works for many moms. It's the programming. That's what the most socially common script dictates.

Amen to this as it is true - the one who holds the purse strings is the one who rules. That is why financial freedom is so important to have so that no one can dictate your life on any level. :wink:





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