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Is it normal/okay to just feel confused?


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#1
KTKatzMeow

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I'm just starting to come out to some friends and tell them that I believe that I'm gay but I get really conflicting responses and I don't quite know how to answer. Hell, I don't know how to answer my OWN questions!
First some background I suppose, I'm 41 and have never actually been with a woman. Though there have not been many, all of my past (disastrous and short lived) relationships were with men. I was very unhappy and unsatisfied in those relationships and went a very long time between trying again. The last relationship I had was July 2005.
My best friend for 7 years was openly lesbian and I spent a lot of time going to gay places with her but I was always in the background as her sidekick and she was so beautiful and outgoing that the attention was always focused on her. I had crushes on several women back then and also in college but was too scared to act on it because my family is ultra conservative pentecostal christian republican and homophobic and I was told I'd be disowned if I was gay.
Well I got tired of that pressure and tired of not being able to be myself so I moved to another state so my daily business could be none of my family's business. I think I'm ready to come out as gay and I told some of my close friends and was sort of surprised at the range of reactions. My (male) room-mate said he had always assumed I was gay and thought it was funny that I was just getting around to telling him so. But my other friends immediately challenged me asking if I'd ever been with another woman and when I said no they said I can't possibly say that I'm lesbian then if I've never tried it because how would I KNOW and said that since I've been with men before in my life that would make me bisexual not gay. That isn't true is it?
I haven't been interested in any men for a long time but I have no idea how to approach a woman if I were interested in her. I have ZERO flirting skills and I'm scared that I won't know what to do or how to please another woman if it ever did come down to having sex. The only sex I know is unsatisfying sex with men in my long distant past... Am I just dumb to be feeling like a victorian virgin with no idea of how sex works or is this normal for someone who is just finally finding the courage to explore who they believe themselves to be? How do I get over this?

KTKatzMeow

#2
StormyKnight

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[quote name="KTKatzMeow"]... But my other friends immediately challenged me asking if I'd ever been with another woman and when I said no they said I can't possibly say that I'm lesbian then if I've never tried it because how would I KNOW and said that since I've been with men before in my life that would make me bisexual not gay. That isn't true is it?

Not necessarily. Too often straight folks think it's all about sex. It isn't. It's also about the intense emotional bonding with women that doesn't occur with men.

... I'm scared that I won't know what to do or how to please another woman if it ever did come down to having sex.

Trust me, that will not be a problem. Just communicate your fears to the woman and go from there.

The only sex I know is unsatisfying sex with men in my long distant past... Am I just dumb to be feeling like a victorian virgin with no idea of how sex works or is this normal for someone who is just finally finding the courage to explore who they believe themselves to be?

It's quite normal.

How do I get over this?

Start out with how most good relationships begin, being friends and getting to know someone. Don't allow yourself to be pressured into anything. Liking someone who is considerate of your feelings is a good start.
Mistress Stormy

#3
lookiningso

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Both of your posts were extremely helpful to me. I am newly "exploring" can't think of a better word right now, my sexuality. I too have never been with a woman, but the relationships that I have had with men are too few to count, and they weren't satisfying from the begin with. I've only gotten the nerve to tell a few close friends, whom all support me and it didn't come as a shocker to them. I feel like i'm in the same boat with you there KTKatzMeow. I'm too shy to approach a woman. Much less know which ones too approach, because I too have been to some gay clubs with a guy friend of my and I know that not everyone in the place is gay. How do you distinguise?





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