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Recovering and jumping back in? Anyone have this issue?


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#1
athena27

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That's a ridiculously hard thing to do. I recently got out of a 3 year relationship with a woman who cheated on me, lied to me, cheated on me again, lied to me, blamed me for the slight, etc...

We've all been there.

The difficult thing is finding your feet once this happens. I used to be a very confident woman, and yet it seems that when you are in a relationship for a long period of time and it ends badly, that confidence goes right out the window. Am I right on that? Are your experiences different?

I've gotten my feet back under me, I'm regaining my confidence, and I've loosened up alot. Yet, I'm tired of playing games.

Ah! The universal statement of the lesbian!

I am ready for a mature woman who knows what she wants, isn't afraid to be herself, is confident and comfortable in her own skin and who isn't interested in cheating. Why is that so difficult to find? Honestly? If the majority of us say this is what we're looking for, how is it that we keep getting slighted?

So, if you feel this way, have ever had this happen or just want to throw that out there - come on down!

#2
Ramona

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That's tough. Sorry to hear about your rough time.

While I don't say there's any "one size fits all" answer to this question, in my experience, most people that manage to get past the trauma of their long-term relationship ending badly (at least enough that they can jump back into the dating pool in a relatively healthy fashion) do so by coming to terms with what went wrong in that relationship.

I don't mean that you'll necessarily come to a really happy sort of "peace" with it, such that you'll be happy about the whole situation. Maybe you will, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll get over being upset about the ending of that relationship, or maybe . . . you won't. I don't know.

But what I mean is, can you find something to learn about what went wrong, such that you can carry over that knowledge into future relationships? And then feel empowered that you have that knowledge, in the sense that your future relationships can and WILL be better for it? Self-empowerment through self-awareness and all that.

In most relationship ending situations, we can learn something about what WE did to cause that ending. And then avoid doing that in the future. But if your problem was that someone kept cheating on you, maybe that's not it. In that case, maybe you now know some stuff about what sort of person you would NOT pick to engage in a future important relationship?

It seems you don't want anyone that would cheat or "play games." But like . . . what might be some clues that a person is like that, or would behave like that? Can you imagine what those clues might be, then deliberately pick someone else for your next relationship?

Meanwhile, I don't think you can approach a new relationship, or picking someone for that just by saying, "no games!" or "no cheating!" and leaving it entirely like that (although so many do). I think you have to THINK a little deeper, and think about what indicates that a person is likely to be a person of integrity in a relationship with you . . . or NOT. Don't just take her word for it, look for clues.

Like . . . before getting seriously involved with someone, you might want to ask about her previous relationships, especially any that ended recently and WHY. Does it seem like she has a problem maintaining longer-term connections? Are there other indications in her life that she's not terribly honest? Do other people frequently get angry with her, and why?

It is possible that someone will be dishonest and/or somehow very ill-behaved with their sexual connections, yet honest and civil in all other areas of their life. But that's not usually the case. Usually a person that is dishonest in one important life area will be dishonest in many. If you sense that someone you're contemplating becoming involved with more seriously is kind of a shithead with other important life areas, you might want to rethink that or at least do a little more investigating first.

Again, don't know how much this might apply to your situation, but hope it helps!

#3
Farandolae

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Hey athena27,

You posted this a while ago, but just in case you're still following any of it.

I think Ramona has some really good things to say in her response here, particularly about looking at what went wrong and using that information to guide your actions.

I've recently ended a 7-year relationship and thanks to the miracle of modern technology (and the fact that I am into writing - email and other things) -- I can see from a review of early emails that the core problems that eventually came into full bloom showed up within TEN DAYS of my ex and I just beginning to email each other. Ten days! Maybe even less, depending on how I would define "showing up."

So for example, in terms of guiding my actions now: I see that I almost immediately felt and actually tried to name what later obviously was a huge core conflict between us, and that she talked me out of it when I brought it up. Not paying attention to my own perception opened a door that I never should have allowed to open. Once that door was open, the next step for her was easy - and the email record shows she took that next step like whoa.

I see also that while my desire for who to connect with was remarkably similar to what it is right now, I wasn't rigorous enough then in making the pieces of it clear for myself and then staying focused on that. I do understand how it happened, what was happening in my life and understanding at that time, but still. That lack of rigor on my part shows me how and why I could get talked out of my almost immediate red flag feeling. So I know now to be as clear and rigorous as possible on certain things.

I'm not saying you have any parallel stuff to my specifics. But I do second Ramona's comments about clarity on knowing what went wrong and using that to guide you now.

I also second Ramona on this point:

Quote

Meanwhile, I don't think you can approach a new relationship, or picking someone for that just by saying, "no games!" or "no cheating!" and leaving it entirely like that (although so many do). I think you have to THINK a little deeper, and think about what indicates that a person is likely to be a person of integrity in a relationship with you . . . or NOT. Don't just take her word for it, look for clues.

Not that you ever said you would do just that, but it's a good thing to raise IMO. I think when people just say "no games" or "no cheating" and leave it at that -- seems to me that that's as likely to attract people who do those things as anything else. Like they're bait or something. So looking not at what they say but at what they DO would be really good. And trust your observations, even if they give words that explain something in another way, trust what you see, what you observe in their actions.

Anyway. It's months and months after your original post so I have no idea if this is even relevant.





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