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I want to date a woman who is anorexic.


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#1
lesbotronic

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OK, first off, preamble here, we already have some firmly established and non-negotiable guidelines available that cover reasons for rejection from the personals here:
http://www.lesbotron...-questions.html
(click on "Why would you reject a personals profile submission as inappropriate?")

That's a bunch of stuff that covers suspected scammers, spammers, totally useless internet trolls, and a few other ways we might suspect a profile of being really dramatically insincere or severely inappropriate. We get a LOT of those on a regular basis, and we delete them. NO dilemma there. Again, we DO reject profiles on a regular basis based on the criteria described in our FAQ, and we reject those before any other subscriber would see them.

(And in case it wasn't already apparent to anyone from the above and/or everything else about the site, we do human eyeball review profiles before acceptance.)

HOWEVER . . . there are some gray areas. While we have to be the final word here, we decided to toss out a few recent dilemmas in this section to see what our subscribers would say. We'd very much appreciate any input. We just offered the previous "we are the final word" preamble because we can't promise we'll make any offered opinion policy, but we will absolutely read, appreciate, and duly consider all.
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SO, the dilemma, WOULD BE PERSONALS SUBSCRIBER SAYS, "I want to date a woman who is anorexic."

We've had a few of these recently. Personally, we (that run this site) find this attitude extremely vile. And no, we're not talking about anyone who expresses a preference for slim, slender, thin, athletic, in shape, toned, bony, boyish, anything like that, blah blah blah. NOPE! We are talking about specific use of the word "anorexic."

Anorexia is an illness that kills women. Men too, actually, but usually women. It's a disorder severe enough that even if you recover from it, the damage may be irreversible. And, you might not recover. Someone with anorexia might just die from it, and those that do often do die very young. If anyone reading this doesn't know about Karen Carpenter, look her up.

It really seems to us that someone that expresses this preference is actually saying, "I'd rather date someone who is dying from an eating disorder than someone who might ever appear to be anything other than extremely thin. And I can't just date a slender woman. I need an actual EATING DISORDERED WOMAN, to insure she won't gain a little weight later. And I am also someone who will put pressure on her to remain thin, probably encouraging her eating disorder in the future, possibly discouraging her recovery and hastening her death."

And that makes her . . . well . . . pretty horrid to our minds.

Well, let's back up a minute. We've pretty much scared anyone off from responding to us in any sort of way other than agreeing with us, haven't we? So, those were our reasons for deleting a profile from someone who said that. However, we interviewed some friends and they came up with this PRO list:

The PRO list for accepting a profile from someone who said "I would prefer to date a woman who is anorexic":

1. Women that are actually seeking out anorexics to date are obviously assholes, but they're probably determined to subscribe to lesbotronic and determined to keep on behaving in their own horrid way, no matter what. You should let them say whatever they want to say in their very own profiles (if nowhere else on the site), so anyone reading will know how horrid they truly are. Otherwise, they'll probably just submit another profile later and fail to put in the "anorexic" part. That profile might get by the screening, and then women might date them not knowing about the horridness in advance. By letting the horridness through, you could be saving some women some time in NOT dating that person.

2. Some women are anorexic and may not get better anytime soon. Perhaps they need dates too? (Lesbotronic note: No, they need immediate and intensive treatment FIRST, but OK, this is one on the PRO list anyway just to include it.)

3. Some women might be stupid or insensitive enough to use the word "anorexic" to mean slender, and determined to remain slender, but not actually eating disordered. Perhaps she's a total dumbass but not deserving of deletion, due to general ignorance? ???

OK subscribers, fire it off. What do you think we should think about a would-be subscriber who says, "I want to date a woman who is anorexic?" Accept? Or not? Please include your reasoning. Thanks!

#2
Aikidyke

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The word anorexic was a huge red flag and i think you did the right thing. The word itself is so loaded and you named many a good reason for making your final decision. it shows an openness that you were willing to question it and seek the counsel of others, but In my opinion, it did smack too much of perpetuating dangerous situation. No dilemma you did the right thing! OK, OK maybe, just maybe it was someone not too bright using the wrong word, or even a bad attempt at humour. this medium can be hard to tell sometimes, as we don't have the before us to read the cues from. Still you are savvy webmistresses, who have been doing this a lwhile. You gotta go with your intuition and it appears you did.

#3
lesbotronic

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Just wanted to thank you for your feedback, Aikidyke! We were hanging back there a bit on responding, wondering if anyone else would throw their two cents in. But, since this is a pretty loaded topic, it's probably not terribly surprising no one else did so far.

We do have dilemmas about doing the right thing since . . . well . . . "right thing" can be a gray area, in and of itself. We're struggling with that regularly. We DO want to do the right thing for our subscribers overall, but sticky ethical situations are happening every day.

Anyway, thanks again!

#4
Painted Brumby

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I read this the other day and have, now, come back to offer my 2 cents. Gosh, I respect how difficult the decision process must be. It may be helpful to distinquish between mentally challenged and psychotic behavior or extreme narcissistic behavior, etc. As others have pointed out in other folders, management of one's mental challenges is paramount. And, that's the individual's responsibility or their guardians, in some cases. Even though it is difficult, case by case may be fair on some level. Another point of consideration, however, may need to be addressed in the legal department. And, that is, what laws may exit that may govern such decisions? The decisions you may be faced with at times, may not be a matter of the heart, the flip of a coin, or an ethical decision. Legalities governing defined mental challenges may override all of those. I certainly am not an expert on the subject. Just for whatever it may be worth to you. I hope you can find some peace with this.

#5
sammistarrdust

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I was just wondering, not that I think this is okay or anything or think that such a profile should be accepted, but was there any mention of the applicant also having an eating disorder, and maybe needing someone to support her in her recovery or who can at least relate to her? This would probably be just as unhealthy but people with mental illnesses find different ways of crying out for help. This might be one of them.

I think, as others have said, this would not be a good profile to accept, but I hate to think of people with mental illnesses as being vile and horrid. But of course this would only be true if the applicant also had an eating disorder, which may or may not be the case.

Sorry if I sound like a noob because I am one.

#6
lesbotronic

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Quote

I was just wondering, not that I think this is okay or anything or think that such a profile should be accepted, but was there any mention of the applicant also having an eating disorder, and maybe needing someone to support her in her recovery or who can at least relate to her?

Hi there, sammistarrdust. The author of the original profile in question was emphasizing the desire to meet a very thin woman, with "anorexic" also specifically requested as an adjective. While it can be difficult to make judgment calls about what is in the mind of another, especially online, it still seemed pretty clear to us that she wanted an actively anorexic woman. As in, NOT past tense, not in treatment for, recovery from, and/or with any immediate intention or desire to recover. Actively anorexic.

And spending time with someone that was actively anorexic would probably impede the recovery efforts of anyone with an eating disorder that was trying to get better. Or, even if they were in a place with their own efforts that it didn't impede them too much, I still don't think it would constitute legitimate support unless that person also wanted to stop.

I think this is different from someone saying something like, "I've suffered from an eating disorder, and I'd be interested in meeting other women that can support me in my recovery, including other recovering anorexics." We would have had no difficulty accepting that. But this seemed quite different.

Make sense? :)

#7
jomomma

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Well obviously this topic is a little and it seems that the general consensus is that this profile is not ok but I really felt like throwing my two cents in as well.

I agree that this is not acceptable in any way. I am assuming that the powers that be are not professional therapists or dr's or whatever else and therefore it is not their responsibility to police every member to ensure that everyone is healthy and good for others, I think it would be very irresponsible to accept a member who has made it very clear that they are seeking an unhealthy individual and seems to have an interest in her staying that way.

If at some point they had said they had a history and was interested in someone with a simlar history then fine. But from what has been shared here, this is not the case.


I would never claim to be the most mentally healthy person on the face of the planet but i would never specifically seek out someone who is not only bad for me but runs the risk of killing themselves.

#8
belle87

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I believe it was a good decision to reject such a profile!

I'm curious, have you heard of thinspo? I came across this a couple of years ago, it shocked and horrified me! It's also known as thinspiration and is a trend I've seen online which is pro-anorexia. There are people who want to be anorexic and see it as beautiful, you can find thinspo websites which give you tips on how not to eat such as if you're hungry, drink water, eat ice or even distract yourself by exercising instead :s you can also find picture gallery's online and on YouTube. So maybe that's why you're receiving profiles with people who want anorexic girls...

Belinda

#9
Buttercup

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I also agree that this was a correct decision. Perhaps the person wasn't using the best language, but this doesn't seem to be the case. I am horrified by this "thinspo."

#10
Katfish

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I *also* agree that the correct decision was made.

As a recovered anorexic I find the fact that someone would specifically request such as SICKENING. I used to be part of an online support group for eating disorders, and I remember a lot of men would troll the boards and message the girls because they're hot for people dying of starvation. Sick sick sick.





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