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Trying to find a better experience


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#1
thatgirlinsc

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I've recently started accepting the feelings I have toward women. I actually sorta fell for one of my best friends. She had started to like me too, but things were a little complicated. She is married with a child. Her husband is actually one of my best friends, too.

A few months ago I got one of those forward texts to my phone. It said, "This is your one chance to ask me ANYTHING you want and I HAVE to reply truthfully." I sent this out to quite a few of my friends, but my best friend was the only one to actually respond. She asked, "Are you gay in anyway?" At this point in my life, I knew I was attracted to women, but had never admitted it to anyone. After about 40 minutes I text her back and tell her that I am attracted to women... that I've been curious since college (which was a lie, I always have been). We started to text about it and she admitted to me that she felt the same way, but never said anything about it.

We had a softball game that day and we always go to a bar for drinks afterwards. We talked about our attraction for women and our past crushes into the wee hours of the morning. It actually felt good to finally get it off of my chest.

After a few weeks, I had noticed she had started to distance herself from me. One night while we were out at a bar, she sent me a text saying she had a secret. I asked her what it was and she texted back, "Friends don't do friends." I told her how many of my friends have told me that their first experience was with a friend close to them. At this point I just thought that she was talking about my roommate’s girlfriend. I had just got finished telling her how I thought my roommate’s girlfriend, who is a friend of mine, was pretty hot.

A few minutes later I get up and walk over to the bar where my best friend was sitting. She asks, "Did you understand my text?" I tell her yeah, friends don't do friends. Then she said, "No. Did you understand my text?" I told her that I didn't understand what she was trying to say, which was a lie. I knew what she was talking about; I just wanted to hear her say it out loud. She started waving her finger between the two of us. She told me that that is the reason why she was being so distant. That she didn't want to end up getting drunk together somewhere and end up doing something to get us in trouble.

When she told me this, I was amazed. I couldn't believe that she felt the same as I did. Being the shy person I am, I just told her that I understood. I didn't tell her I felt the same way. A few days of having this new information and driving myself crazy with it, I finally told her. I told her that it had been driving me crazy for a while, that I had liked her for a long time. She asked why I didn't tell her the night she told me and I told her it was because of my shyness. She told me to never be shy around her.

Once both our feelings were put out there, we decided it best to try to forget our feelings and remain friends. This did not last long. We started talking about being together and set a day for it. By the time the day came, we had both pretty much chickened out. She still came to my house, but nothing happened and things were very awkward. She was having a party at her house that night and we decided it was time to go to her place. As we are walking out of my house I stop her and admit to her that I have wanted to kiss her the whole time she was at my house. She admitted the same to me, but said she wasn't going to say anything about it. But still, we did not kiss.

We drove to her house in separate cars. She had hers and I had to stop to get some alcohol and cigarettes for the party. While at the store I get a text that says, "We will." I asked when and she said soon enough. Then sends me another text says, "I shaved super close incase something were to go down today." The only way I could respond to that at the time was with an OMFG.

I get to her house and we start drinking. She's pouring Jager Bombs and her husband goes out to the garage to get a beer. While he is gone, she looks at me and says, "We should have gone through with it today." I agreed and we just smiled at each other. Later in the night, and many shots later, I go to use the bathroom in her hallway, but someone is already using it. I decide to just use the bathroom in her room. I walk into the room, pull the door closed and then walk into the bathroom, where she is at. She finishes while we're talking, then I use the toilet. We continue talking then start to walk out to the rest of the party. We stopped and looked at each other before opening her bedroom door. That's when she kissed me the first time and it was my first female kiss ever. Then, in the middle of kissing, we see the bedroom door start to open and we pulled away from each other. It was her husband. He just looked at us and then said, "What's happening yall?!" He had no clue what just took place. We then go out and enjoy the party, texting between each other the whole time, getting more and more graphic with each text. Each time she went to another room, I followed and we kissed some more.

I stayed the night at her house in the guest bedroom. When I woke up I sent her a text saying that we would have to do that again sometime soon, only sober and she agreed. I helped clean the house up, and then went home to take a shower. Once I got a shower I went to the bar she works at to hang out with her. The whole day we just kinda smiled and laughed at each other.

We set a day, again, to be together. After deciding on a day, I texted her about it and my texts were ignored. Any text that mentioned the day was ignored. Any text that did not involve the day, she would respond to. Finally, the day before our "date" I texted her asking why she was ignoring my questions. She said she that she couldn't do it. That she couldn't handle us all (her husband and our other best friend) hanging out together knowing what's going on between her and I. I told her that that was fine and that I understand.

After this, I was really starting to get messed up about it. I had developed pretty deep feelings for her and could not handle being around her if I could not have her. So, I sent her a letter through MySpace. I know, that sounds cheap, but it was rare that I got her alone for a long period of time and I had to tell her some stuff that would probably make me cry... and I don't like crying in front of people. I told her how I had to start distancing myself that my feelings had gotten stronger. She told me she felt horrible and wished that things didn't have to be that way. The distancing thing did not end up happening. I couldn't stay away. She then started telling me how she was on the fence about being with me. That she wanted it to be something we experienced together. I told her the ball was in her court and that she will have to make that decision.

The crazy thing about my letter is that she told her husband and our other best friend that I liked her. Why she felt the need to tell them that, I have no clue. She told me that they needed to know the reason I wouldn't be coming around as much. She did not tell them how she felt though.

Well, another weekend comes and we go to another bar. Her and her husband got into an argument that night, so she got our other friend to drive him home. We sat at the bar for about 15 to 20 minutes after they left. She asked for a ride home and, naturally, said yes. We kinda giggle and smile at each other when we get in my car. I drive her home and I park my car. We set there and I start telling her how what I said in the letter was true and how my feeling had grown for her. I looked at her and asked to her kiss me and then leaned into her to kiss. She kissed me and we kissed for a while.

So, again, we set a day. This time the date was broken because Mother Nature gave her a present. The night of our 3rd broken date she had set me up to go out to dinner and a strip club with a guy. I'm still confused about that to this day. Anyway, my date invited her and her husband to go along, to make it not so awkward for me (did I mention I'm super shy?).

When we first get in the strip club, she and I go to the bathroom and she says to me, "I'm glad no guys can come in here." I looked at her and smiled. We're there for about 30 - 45 minutes watching the ladies on the poll; we go to the bathroom again. We both get finished and go to wash our hands. While I'm washing my hands she bends over and starts to kiss me. We kiss for a few minutes, then I back away to dry my hands and let her wash her hands. I walk out of the bathroom and she says to me, "You're mean, I wasn't finished kissing you." I laughed at her and told her that we could go back to the bathroom in a little while.

Another 30 – 45 minutes goes by and we have to use the bathroom again. We get finished again and we go to wash our hands again. We had to go to the back of the bathroom to wash our hands because most of the stripers were in the front getting ready to go on stage. We were by ourselves in the back. I had washed my hands and was leaning against the wall talking to her while she was washing hers. She looks at me and smiles, then pushes me completely against the wall and starts to kiss me. We kiss for a few minutes, and then go back out.

While we’re sitting around the table, we decide that we would get together the following week because she was going to drive me to the airport. As we are drinking more and more, she starts to tell me the things she would like to do to me. They were all very nice, but she was being a little loud and her husband was sitting on the other side of her. I looked at her and told her I was enjoying everything she was saying to me, but she needed to bring her voice down a little. Then we almost kissed right there and had to pull away from each other. Her husband gets up to go to the bathroom and she tries to kiss me at the table, in front of my date and a few other people. I turned my head and gave her my cheek and asked her what the hell she was doing.

Of course, a few minutes later we go to the bathroom again. We got into separate stalls. As I was pulling my pants up the stall door opens and she walks in. This time, we went a little farther. Our hands start to move over each other’s body as well as our lips and tongues, but it went no further than petting.

The next day my dad and aunt came to visit me. We went to the bar where she works and had a few drinks. She tried to get me to tell them about what I was going through, but didn’t want them to know about she and I. She wanted me to tell them because I had already told my mom and my aunt is a lesbian, so it shouldn’t have been too big a deal. She kept making comments about the night before and what had happened. She wasn’t coming right out and saying what happened, but if anyone would have paid attention they would have got it.

The day she was taking me to the airport had finally come, but, Mother Nature decided once again that it wasn’t going to happen. Not only was I denied being with her again, I was going to spend my vacation on the rag. On the way to the airport, she looks at me and says, “We should really fuck with people and start making out at the next stop light.” I just smiled and nodded my head. Every stop light we got to was green, so no kissing. We get to the airport and park. I stand up to stretch, then lean back into the car to get my computer bag. I decided to be brave and said, “It’s not a stop light, but….” She just smiled and we kissed. That was the best kiss we had together because we were both completely sober. It was also our last.

When I came back from my vacation and got my head together, I told her I was backing off. I don’t want to lose her friendship and if I was going to be with someone, that I want to be with someone I can be open with. I don’t want to have to sneak around with someone. Also, because she kept pulling me back and forth. She would be all about it one day, and then be a bitch to me the next.

She has actually made me out to be the fool in this, but I will not be an asshole and rat her out. She has told no one how she feels about me, but has told everyone how I feel about her. I found out a few days after I came back from my vacation that she had told her husband that I tried to kiss her and she turned her head and let me kiss her cheek. He told our other best friend and she asked me about it. For the most part, no one knows about me and her, but that night I did tell our mutual friend that the kiss happened. Why lie about that? Why bring it up? She and her husband are having problems right now, so I’m sure she said it to get at him. It really pisses me off though.

Now, I’m trying to do this on my own, without her, but it’s really hard. I went out to a gay bar last weekend and got a good buzz… so I was feeling brave. I danced with a girl all night, bought her a drink, and was having a blast. I was going to go home with her for my first experience, but she got too drunk and her friends had to drive her home. The next day she asked me out for drinks. I went and was a complete idiot. Just can’t get past the shyness. Something that really doesn’t help much is the fact that this is all new to me and I just got out of a 5 year marriage 7 months ago, so I’m trying to figure out how to date again.

I’m starting to get quite frustrated with this. I want to experience being with a woman and I want to eventually be in a relationship with a woman.

If anyone has any advice for me, please share.

#2
Farandolae

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Hey there thatgirlinsc,

It was a bit hard for me to follow all what you wrote about your best friend, so please forgive me if I am off in anything I say. But here goes:

1. It sounds like you sort of have "ex-girlfriend" stuff going on even if your best friend wasn't ever officially your girlfriend. I say this just in case you aren't letting yourself take it seriously as an ex-gf sort of situation. From what I can tell, this wasn't just a little fling-let with a stranger, it was a highly emotional experience with one of your best friends. Rather dysfunctional and dramatic as hell, but then so are some situations where there was an open girlfriend relationship that ended.

2. You wrote:

Quote

if I was going to be with someone, that I want to be with someone I can be open with. I don’t want to have to sneak around with someone. Also, because she kept pulling me back and forth.
and

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I want to experience being with a woman and I want to eventually be in a relationship with a woman.

I just want to say that in my perspective, what you are looking for is entirely normal, reasonable and quite likely do-able.

3. Given your rollercoaster with your best friend and what also you wrote about the gay bar experience, I suspect that whatever you do should probably be grounded initially in sober-ness, open communication and as little drama as possible. Is there a LGBT organization where you live? If so, I wonder if they have activities, volunteer opportunities, groups, a lesbian chorus, etc -- somewhere you could meet other women attracted to women in a context that might be sort of calmer. Though there is certainly no guarantee lack of drama in any organization, maybe having some other thing to focus on and do with others will let an attraction grow sort of naturally. If that makes any sense.

Edited after posting to add:

I googled a tiny bit and found this:

http://www.thecenter....com/about.html

Which may be the -- or one of the -- LGBT community hubs in your area. I don't know anything about it personally (I live in Tucson, AZ) but this is at least an example of what I mean about resources in your area other than Teh Bars.

I could be wrong about any of this. You know yourself and your life best.

My best wishes to you.

#3
thatgirlinsc

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Thanks for the advice Farandolae and sorry my post was hard to follow. Believe me, I have been taking this very serious. The whole reason for the vacation I spoke of was to get away from her, but I just couldn't resist going for one last kiss before I got my on plane.

Her and I bearly speak now. She says that she is still my best friend and that she loves me. Things are different with her now, and it sucks, but I'll just have to deal with it.

Again, thanks for the advice, it was really helpful. Thanks for the link as well. I'm going to go check it out.





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