Jump to content

Married Women, Closeted Women.


11 replies to this topic

#1
Shannon1981

  • Posting Members (3 or more)
  • 16 posts
This is a big deal breaker for me. That isn't to put down people who are married or who have not decided to come out. It is just that I will not play second fiddle to anyone's primary partner, nor will I kowtow to anyone else's closet. The beauty of being out and proud is being able to tell everyone I meet that I am a lesbian without hesitation. If I were dating someone closeted or having an affair with someone married, that freedom would be taken away. Besides that, I am a big activist, and I would want my partner by my side at events and especially Pride. These things are important to me. Anyone else feel this way? What are your thoughts?

#2
77lagata

  • Members
  • 83 posts
I believe that you have a valid point and agree that honesty is important. You are at a point in your life and in your various relationships (family/friends) where there is no need for a closet; you shouldn't have to hide who you are. Do you refrain from being friends with people who haven't come out yet? I am merely curious.

#3
Shannon1981

  • Posting Members (3 or more)
  • 16 posts
I actually have no trouble with the friendship part.
But, on their end, they might. I am pretty obviously gay. And there have been times when closeted ladies have hung out with me and people started to question them after awhile. That usually results in one of two things: 1) lying(which I detest, but it isn't up to me to out anyone) or 2) their backing off from the friendship. I don't take it personally; I know they are protecting their secret, and it is never anyone's decision but the individual as to when/how to come out.

I mean I respect closets and marriages, though honestly sometimes, if I find the reasons for them lame, I might lose a little respect for the person. But, obviously people have their reasons for doing what they do, so...who am I to judge?

I just can't do the dating thing because all that hiding and lying and pretending puts me in a dark place, and I feel like I deserve better.

#4
77lagata

  • Members
  • 83 posts
I find it sad that someone would place so little value on a friendship that she would give it up over something like that. As you have said though, to each her own.

I am out to everyone except for my family. I don't know how odd this is for someone my age, but I have never felt comfortable with taking that step. At the same time though, I have never asked any of my friends to hide their sexual preferences from my family, because while my mom and siblings are openly against homosexuality they are also respectful. I have never brought a girlfriend around them because I do not feel like having to lie in that way and do not think that it would be fair to ask anyone else to either.

I don't believe you should have to lower your standards to find the person who is right for you. After all, isn't the reward worth it?

#5
Shannon1981

  • Posting Members (3 or more)
  • 16 posts
I find it sad too, re: the way some people back off from friendships to make sure their lock stays firmly on their closet door. Friends should mean more than that. From those experiences, I am very cautious about getting too close like that.

Now, my family is against homosexuality, too. It has been a long time since I have been in the position to need to bring a gf around them, and my relationship with them is strained at best over this issue, and has been for quite some time. I am of the mind that you cannot control which family you were born into, but you can control who you call family as an adult, and, anyone who doesn't respect/love/accept you- all of you- for who you are isn't worth your time. So, to that end, I am very out to my family, though at this point it is pretty much ambiguously common knowledge that they refuse to discuss. I really don't care that they don't like it. At the end of the day, IDK that they would be respectful, so I just won't bring gay lovers/friends around them. If/when, the time comes for a wedding or whatever, they'll get a mass email explaining the event, and also explaining that if they are anything less than 1 million percent happy and supportive, they can kiss my ass. That's just me though.

#6
77lagata

  • Members
  • 83 posts
It is true, you can choose who to relate to in a familial context as an adult; I have several of my closest friends who are family to me. I love my biological family to death, even though I know how they will react once they know that I am gay. I think that what keeps me from saying anything is knowing my sister will keep me from seeing my nephews, even though I would be nothing but respectful of her wishes to keep that part of me from them. It is a bit of a comfort to hear that although your relationship with your family is strained you have managed to find some way to make it work, however precariously.

Right now I am okay with having a closeted girlfriend, because of where I am with my family. Once I do come out to them I think that I would expect my girlfriend to be at that same point with it. Is that selfish of me to expect?

#7
Shannon1981

  • Posting Members (3 or more)
  • 16 posts
Well I don't think they are the disowning types. They would have done it by now if they were, ya know? However, once, when I was dating a girl in my first round of college, my mom got really upset, called her a bitch and a fag and said if I didn't end the relationship she wouldn't pay for college. That was 12 years ago, when I was 18. I spent my 20's flitting around the country and having little to no contact until I was 27. Came back after some mental health issues, re enrolled in school, and now I will graduate in December and leave again. I've no idea how my relationship with them will be then. I think my sisters are ok, but, mom and dad, and grandparents, and uncles and aunts- not so much. And it shows. So I came to the conclusion long ago that if I don't want them to crash my wedding or thwart my relationships, and, essentially, my happiness, I had to cut them loose. They've done a lot of wrong, everything from sending me to conversion therapy to using their crazy religion against me....to where I just have no issue cutting them out of my life completely. They can either accept me as I am, or never see me again.

I feel for the children, like your nephews, and I have nieces from a half brother who will be kept from me, I am sure. But, in the end, it is all about finding what is more important, and realizing that your family can- and will- run your life if you let them.

As far as it being selfish, not to me. People tell me all the time it is selfish and judgmental of me not to date closeted women. The thing is, dating someone who is closeted in any way forces you into a closet by default. I don't think its selfish at all to insist on not doing that. Though, I think, as a courtesy, you should ALWAYS explain your *out* status in great detail to anyone you are getting serious wish. Hell, do it on the first damn date. That way you do not waste each other's time with BS. Some people are closeted and will stay closeted for the rest of their lives. Their choice, of course, but, at the end of the day, you have to decide how you will let that dictate your life.

#8
77lagata

  • Members
  • 83 posts
I have thought long and hard over which was most important to me, and I decided that I cannot sacrifice my life to satisfy my family's idea of what or who I should be. I am really prolonging the inevitable, and I know that. I wonder though, if those people who refuse to consider coming out realize that there is no way to really live the double life and expect to have a lasting relationship with a woman. I almost feel that they are really only experimenting or indulging in a temporary pleasure; if that's the case then there is no reason to look for a committed relationship with someone like that. The same goes for married people - the number of people who actually leave their spouses for the other person is pretty low, and of the ones who do leave the longevity of the new relationship is also low.

This may be the start of a new thread, but I will pose the question here anyway because I am interested to know what you think. How do women who have never been in a same sex relationship know that they can love another woman? That would be another reason to stay away from closeted women, don't you think?

#9
Shannon1981

  • Posting Members (3 or more)
  • 16 posts
Well I think just like straight people know they are straight without experiencing a relationship, the same goes for gays. But, I don't think they think of everything else that comes with that, such as the complications of trying to have kids, legal issues, healthcare, inability to marry, get names changed, joint bank accounts, all sorts of things that straights take for granted. So yeah, a closeted, in experienced woman would be in for a rude awakening and maybe bail on the whole thing. Yet another reason. Granted, coming out is a personal choice, and aside for the people who do harm to the queer community actively, I don't condone outing people. I don't know why closet cases can't realize that they'll never have a real, long lasting partnership if they hide. What woman, gay or straight, will tolerate being someone's dirty little secret? None with any sense or self respect, that's for sure.

As for married women? They are incredibly selfish creatures who lie and cheat. Its been my experience that they often omitt that little detail when going to gay sites to hook up, or, they insist they are in the process of leaving the spouse when they really have no such intentions, or they make up excuses not to. Furthermore, they perpetuate the idea that we can- and should-live straight lifestyles, thus doing the queer community at large a great deal of harm, by validating the position of homophobes.

And yes, you are prolonging the inevitable. But it all kind of goes back to whether you run your own life or your family runs it and makes you miserable. Reasoning and arguing with bigots rarely works, even if those bigots are your family. Just make yourself happy away from all that. It isn't easy, of course. But its the best.

#10
77lagata

  • Members
  • 83 posts
See, not everyone is like that though. Sometimes the expectations of others will program a thwarted idea of right and wrong into a person, and she'll not know whether she is or not. That takes experimentation to find out for sure. I lied to myself over the years and was openly bi; I came to realize that a big reason why my attempts at relationships with guys have failed was because I was not attracted to them. For that reason I try to give other people the benefit of the doubt.

I know that there are some people who just know they are gay the same way a straight person just knows sometimes. My friend's cousin has been chasing after girls since she hit puberty and has never even kissed a guy. I would have loved to have been that certain. I think that for some people it is the idea of being physically intimate with someone of the same sex. It may seem like a good idea but some people don't know until they have tried - that could be a scary thought, being in that position and then chickening out. I don't think that a person should call herself gay or bi until she has tried it out though. While that wasn't my situation I can respect that it is how someone else might determine who she is.

Thank you for the words of advice. I know you don't really know me and aren't privy to my personal set of circumstances. You have given me a great deal to consider that will help me with making several decisions.





1 user(s) are reading this topic

0 members, 1 guests, 0 anonymous users