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Cheating I: What Is Cheating Looking Like, These Days?*


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Poll: Cheating I: What Is Cheating Looking Like, These Days?* (44 member(s) have cast votes)

Cheating I: What Is Cheating Looking Like, These Days?*

  1. Never have, never would cheat. (19 votes [43.18%])

    Percentage of vote: 43.18%

  2. Did cheat, but never would again. (13 votes [29.55%])

    Percentage of vote: 29.55%

  3. Never cheated thus far. Might cheat if an opportunity arose, but not actively seeking one. (1 votes [2.27%])

    Percentage of vote: 2.27%

  4. Cheated in the past, but not cheating NOW. Might cheat again, or not, can't predict. (6 votes [13.64%])

    Percentage of vote: 13.64%

  5. Never cheated, but currently considering cheating with someone I already know in person. (1 votes [2.27%])

    Percentage of vote: 2.27%

  6. Never cheated, but currently shopping for someone new to cheat with via the internet. (1 votes [2.27%])

    Percentage of vote: 2.27%

  7. Have cheated, probably will/am planning to cheat again. (2 votes [4.55%])

    Percentage of vote: 4.55%

  8. "Cheating" doesn't apply to me, as I have never and would never agree to any form of sexual exclusivity beyond basic safer sex considerations. (1 votes [2.27%])

    Percentage of vote: 2.27%

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#1
lesbotronic

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(This poll is associated with the other post in this same area, "Cheating II.")

(Registered users CAN respond to this poll anonymously. We'd love comments too, especially to clarify your current sexual orientation, general life situation, and your reasons for your poll response.

AND/OR, we'd like comments on who cheated on you, if that happened (sorry about that).

However, if you're worried about posting something incriminating, additional comments WILL display your username. Just a vote on the poll would NOT.)



* Just in case this still needs clarification, by "cheating" we don't mean open and honest non-monogamy or polyamory, or even casual dating/sleeping around, and/or the beginning of a relationship in which no explicit agreements have been made.

"Cheating" means that you have an agreement with your partner(s) about some form of sexual exclusivity, but you intend to break or are already breaking that agreement secretly and in such a way that if your partner(s) found out, it would probably be surprising and upsetting for everyone involved.

Meanwhile, while the idea of "cheating" obviously could apply to couples who have agreed to be strictly monogamous, it could also apply to the polyamorous or not-strictly-monogamous, if what you do or did falls outside your agreement(s). It's pretty equal opportunity and/or cross-orientation/preference. It's all about what you SAID you'd do vs. what you actually did or are doing, people, alrighty? Thanks!

#2
Julz

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Well i would not and could not cheat on my
Mate, spouse, significate other. My dad cheated
On mom. Was difficult to respect him after that.
I myself have been cheated on and cannot
Respect that type behavior. I guess for me it
Goes with the 'integrity' lesson i teach my
Students every class. It also goes along with
Love and respect for my other half.

#3
08HarleySportster

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So right. I agree. Alof of people these days just don't have any morals.

#4
SweetNerd

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I have been cheated on, and it hurts a lot. I would never want to put someone through that. Its just not worth the pain.

#5
Rammy Lynn

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Why risk it?! People suck!

#6
AndrejaWilson

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Never have and never will. Why have an "exclusive" relationship then cheat. Just be honest with the other person that you don't think being exclusive is good for you right now. Honestly breeds more trust than a ruse ever will.

@Scissor_Sista on-a-mountain-she-sits.tumblr.com


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#7
lesbotronic

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While a bunch of members have cast votes, it would seem the only ones responding to clarify their vote are non-cheaters (which is probably not surprising). While your non-cheating behavior is certainly morally upstanding and totally commendable, it probably would have been a more interesting discussion thus far if some cheaters had rung in too . . . or some of those cheated upon had shared some (non-identifying) details about your specific situations.

In case it wasn't already completely obvious, no, we here at lesbotronic don't recommend cheating. Nope, no way. There's a significant chunk of text in both our FAQ and our advice section where we clarify our position that cheaters usually eff their situation all to hell, for themselves AND their cheatees, BOTH.

However, while we certainly don't recommend it, we don't find it at all SURPRISING that people cheat, even within polyamorous relationships. Even when the cheaters still do care about the relationships/persons they are cheating on.

Like . . .

- cheater is in a supposedly monogamous relationship, and would like it to stay that way but just FOR HER PARTNER - doesn't want HER PARTNER sleeping with anyone else, because that would make the cheater jealous or insecure and she doesn't feel like dealing with that

- cheater lacks impulse control/got in a situation where she felt out of control (substances, emotionally overwrought, etc.) and had impulsive, unplanned sex with someone else, but now feels bad and doesn't intend to do it again, but doesn't think a "one-time mistake" should ruin her current more stable relationship

- cheater could tell her partner she doesn't want her relationship to be monogamous at all and/or anymore, but she imagines (rightly or wrongly) that her partner has an ironclad expectation of monogamy and then she'd get dumped, doesn't want to lose partner

- cheater actually already in agreed upon polyamorous relationship, but person she wants to sleep with falls outside agreed upon parameters of acceptable additional partners, she wants to sleep with them anyway, but doesn't want an argument or a break-up

- cheater actually already in agreed upon polyamorous relationship, but doesn't want to reveal identify of person she wants to sleep with to present partner, possible shame or surprise element (first same sex partner, first trans partner, first whatever else, etc.), would rather keep that aspect of her sexual identity a secret, at least at present

. . . and I could go on.

Would anyone ever forgive a cheater? Would you ever take them back? Why/not?

Would the circumstances of the cheating matter? Who they cheated with? How many times? If they were under the influence? If it was last year or last week?

It might be educational or interesting to discuss some of that too. :)

#8
AndrejaWilson

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View Postlesbotronic, on 06 August 2013 - 01:24 AM, said:


Would anyone ever forgive a cheater? Would you ever take them back? Why/not?

Would the circumstances of the cheating matter? Who they cheated with? How many times? If they were under the influence? If it was last year or last week?

It might be interesting to discuss some of that too. :)
  • No and no. You already messed up a good thing. You show that you have weak moral character and I'm not down with that.
  • No. You did it and I'm not happy. There's no good reason for cheating.

@Scissor_Sista on-a-mountain-she-sits.tumblr.com


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#9
lesbotronic

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View PostAndrejaWilson, on 06 August 2013 - 01:29 AM, said:

There's no good reason for cheating.

Agreed, like we said before. No. Good. Reason. For. Cheating.

Excuses, hell yeah. GOOD reasons? Nope.

Might there be any decent-ISH reasons for EVER taking anyone back?

Or is it all just a moral absolute, no gray areas, everyone gets kicked to the curb situation?

I'm certainly NOT necessarily saying you should ever take a cheater back. Nope. But whenever you're going to draw a really hard line, moral absolute situation for your partner . . . you've got a hard row to hoe on your end too. If you demand perfection on your partner's part, you better deliver it back in kind.

And possibly not just on the cheating front.

(Just wondering if there is any interesting discussion here to be had.)

#10
AndrejaWilson

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I'm pretty hard lined on what's acceptable and what is not. Now if you asked me 5 years ago? I'd say I may take them back. But now, they'd have to throw themselves on the mercy of the court. It'll probably still be a "no," but they are welcome to submit a application for review.

@Scissor_Sista on-a-mountain-she-sits.tumblr.com


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