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[Myriam Bayol]

Hello everyone! My name is Myriam and I currently live in NYC, supposedly the city that never sleeps. I figured I would join the site to find out whether I was gay, bisexual or just confused. The fact is I am in a bad spot in my life right now. Being in foster care has changed me and I am not so sure that it was for the better. This is my first year of college and I started out knowing what I wanted to major in and what I wanted to do after grad school. But my health and family problems have started to deter me and I can't lie to myself- I have begun to procrastinate. Not doing my homework assignments on time, lying and making excuses to my professors about why they were late, skipping class and staying home because I didn't want to commute to school and have to sit in lecture and class by myself, have lunch by myself, sit in the library by myself and go home by myself. Then I realized that there was a bigger issue. It wasn't just my personal problems affecting my schoolwork but the fact that I had no one to talk to much less someone my age to confide in and who would also be able to understand where I was coming from and why I feel the way that I do. Everyone keeps telling me to have fun, have a social life, and do all I can before I get to grad school. I can't understand why I am never able to make friends or why I don't feel good about myself or why the thought of being alone for the rest of my life is enough to make me wish that I die a quick death. Even now, I am getting emotional thinking about it. They say that GOD never gives you what you can't handle but I seriously do not believe that. The only reason I still get up in the morning is because my siblings and mother need me but, it gets harder everyday. I've had about 7 to 8 case workers in the agency that I've been with for about three years. And this is just one agency. Life is too stressful and whenever I look at others, I feel as though no one else has my obstacles. I want to be able to be confident and sexy and pretty and appreciated and until I get to that point, I can't be in a relationship with that significant other. I keep praying to God and asking him to send someone or something that will help me get past this phase and I hope that someday, he will answer. Thanks for reading and feel free to leave a comment or reply.

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[metalgirl207]

Hi Myriam, I'm Jessica. I have never been in foster care but I can relate to a lot of what you are saying. No one could possibly understand what you are going through because, even if they had been faced with all of the same obstacles, they would still not know how you feel. No one can because you are a product of all of your experiences... good and bad. I have found that my experiences have made me who I am, like it or not. I have never understood the concept of God not giving you more than you can handle because, well, if you had too much on your plate, life would go on anyway. I think that it may be a very frustrating endeavor to try to find someone who has the same experiences as you do. It sounds like you just need someone who understands what it feels like to struggle and can just be there for you when you need them. That's not as easy as it sounds. I'm a complete stranger, I realize this, but I am here if you need someone to talk to, vent to, scream at... whatever you need. Everybody needs that person.