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so ive chose to place my personal feelings blogs here. nobody on here knows me so i dont have to worry about people who know me reading them. theres alot of freedom in that i think. everywhere else i edit my feelings. as a matter of fact lately im rarely honest about how i feel to anybody. i know thats wrong of me; howver, when i express my feelings to those i love i get resentment from it. thats kinda funny right? people always tell you to be honest and say whats on your mind, but do they really want to hear it? most of the time i dont really think so. i was always a good listener. if someone had a problem i would be the first to try to help. most of my life i put others before myself. nowadays i find myself asking why. i really have nothing to show for being the way i am. my girlfriend moved to a different state because she didnt want the life i had to offer her. we stayed together because we love each other, but i cant help feeling that something is missing now. maybe im just lonely. maybe its just depression. i was so hurt when she left. doesnt hurt so much anymore, but im not sure what feeling has replaced it. its not resentment. this time last year we would see each other once a week to watch movies and cook dinner for each other. now i rarely leave the house except for the days she visits me every other month. not that i want to stay home its just that i dont really have a life outside of the one i had with her. i tried to make friends but im not very good at that. plus nobody really wants to hang out with somebody who has a child and rarely has a babysitter. my kid means the world to me nd i would give up anything and anybody for him. i do that not because i have to, but because i choose to. you dont get any medals for being a good parent. my kid cant talk but i know he appreciates me. hes the only person in this world who really wants me around. if not for him i wouldnt even care to be alive. one day ill be gone and he wont have anybody. why cant people understand that? its so hard doing this on my own. i do my schoolwork. i homeschool him. and everyday i tell myself why i still try and go on with life. i suppose life isnt fair. and maybe god has a plan for me. and the moments he smiles and is happy make me so joyful. i guess thats the reason i go on. i hope everybody had a great weekend. my sunday was a bit dark, but monday isnt far away..............
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