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Horrible Relationship With My Mother (rant)


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#1
AndrejaWilson

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Since I was a kid, she an I never got along. We get some times here and there that things go ok, but for the most part it's be 25 years of basically no relationship. I know I've not always been the best kid, but I've been made out to be the worst kid in her eyes. She's never been a good mother. Yeah, she'd pay for things, but that's where it begins and ends. My dad told me several months ago that I was always "his baby" and that my mother has been between very apathetic and basically has hated me since I was born. My cousin (she's about 14 years older than me) told me that she had asked her mother if I could live with them. My aunt (the same cousins mother and my mother's sister) has said similar things to me in the past without prompt. This woman has threatened me with bodily harm (a few times has followed through with it), told lies about me to others, and just can't be there for me as a mother should.

I remember when I was little, my cousins (my dad's brother's kids) came up here to stay with our grandmother one summer. I was only supposed to spend a few days down there. Thursday that week, I had called my mother around 3pm asking when she was going to pick me up to go home for dance class. She told me on the phone that she didn't want me home, that I was staying down there the whole summer. I don't remember much after that, but I remember telling my grandmother that I hated her. My grandmother said to me that I was exaggerating and didn't mean it. I did tell her what my mother told me and I do remember her face just getting really sad and she put her head down a shook it. I had to call my dad to come get me so I could go. He had to rush home to find my dance shoes and something for me to wear. I don't really remember how the rest of that day went, but I do remember just being very sad the next several weeks.

I felt like she didn't love me when she told me that and I've not felt it since. My mother doesn't even know me. I've lived with her most of my life and she doesn't even know what foods I like, or what my favourite color is. She was "unaware" of how bad the bullying I went through in junior high. She has never taken time out of her day to just get to really know me. Hell, you people here know me better than she does.

I've tried to have mediation done so she and I can talk, but it never works for longer than a few weeks. I'm personally over being depressed about it. I can't even really say I'm upset about it all that much. I'm just riled up because she didn't hear something I said and then it turned into me "ignoring" her and "having an attitude" and then "how I can't keep a job since I'm a terrible person." It's such old hat now, I normally just walk away from her. She's told me nothing new she hasn't told me my whole life. I've accepted that I'll never be a "good" kid to her.

*END OF RANT*

Thank you if you read and it made sense to you,
Andreja

@Scissor_Sista on-a-mountain-she-sits.tumblr.com


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#2
kurious

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Three things and only three because there really isn't enough space on the internet let alone this forum to explain how much I relate to what you're saying:

1. Mother's tend to raise their daughters but love their sons. I'm still trying to figure out if this is universal or only within communities of color.

2. Parents tend to have selective memory. I assure you if you bring up a list of esteem crushing experiences which have formed the basis of your relationship with them and intimate relationships in general, they will behave as if you pulled this out of thin air just to spite them.

3. There are traumatic things that have happened in our parent's lives, particuarly our mothers, that they may never share with us but it comes out sideways and at the most inappropriate times. Sometimes it comes out in anger and they forget they aren't addressing a total stranger in the street or a brick wall or an emotional punching bag but their very own mini me; living, breathing, existing souls that they forgot were not around when these traumatic events happened or had no idea because they were just a child. Sometimes they use the excuse of "If it was good enough for me, it's good enough for you" or "I'm only doing what I know/I've been shown" or "I'm trying to show you how to survive in the real world". It doesn't hurt any less, though.

Did I say 3? Because in my head I'm up to 98.

I get it. And i'm glad you felt comfortable enough to share it.

#3
AndrejaWilson

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Thank you. I was just very upset about some things that had happened. I know life isn't very kind to anyone and we all have our burdens to take in this life. I think sometimes she really doesn't think about what she says and that words can truly change a person's life: be it in a good or a bad way. I know I'm very careful with what I say for that reason. But I know most people are not like that. Maybe it's a product, especially now, of things needing to be done much quicker and responses are expected faster than ever. I just keep hoping people will slow down and understand that their words can hold a lot of weight.

@Scissor_Sista on-a-mountain-she-sits.tumblr.com


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#4
PodNak

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Hi, I just wanted to let you know I feel you....I grew up an abused kid, me and my sisters. My mom never laid a hand on my brother. Never said a foul word to him. It was weird growing up in a home where the girls were abused and my brother was treated like an only child. I know what you mean about words can hurt. Words leave huge scars and I have talked with my mom and wrote her a long letter in the past and she denies much of all that happened and the things she does admit to she said that is just the way you raised kids back then. As evil as my mother was the first 20 years of my life (until I moved out) I wonder if she still has it in her. She seems different now that all us kids moved are moved out and its just her a dad there at the house. But im afraid to leave my son alone with her. The things she did to us and other kids in the neighborhood was so evil. If what happened back then happened today she would be in jail. I have seen over half a dozen therapists in the past twenty years. I don't think they understand. They listen and look at me bewildered. I am left with thinking....do they think im making this stuff up. I don't talk about it to therapists anymore because it doesn't help and it doesn't change anything. I just tell myself, learn from it and don't ever be like she was. But if a child or an adult ever tells me they were abused and not "loved" by their mother I will believe them, not look at them like they are an alien. The therapists might have been so awkward because they didn't know what to say to me or do for me. But....I thought that was their job...to know what to say and do to help me understand why it happened and how can I get over it. I know now my mom had to have been experiencing mental illness. The things she said and did came from a twisted mind that may have been from some of her upbringing and chemical imbalances. My grand parents seemed like really decent people so I don't know. My mom won't talk about her childhood. She had nothing nice to say about it. She made two comments I can remember. Her father isn't the pappy we know (that gram was married to her father and then divorced him) and that her sister was the favored one and got away with everything and never had to do any work. If you take a look at those two comments it tells a lot how she felt as a kid. I looked into who her father was. He was an alcoholic and abusive. That's why gram divorced him. Gram said divorce was a bad thing to do back then but she couldn't take the abuse and when pap came along he was such a good man and he took care of them and loved them. Its amazing how I feel just writing this. I hope you don't base your self worth on how your mother treated you. She has problems. Deep ones, either from demons from her childhood or mental illness. If you want to ever talk about this more drop me a line. Take care, later. :police:





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