general recommendations



constructing your profile (where you are now)



cliches you should probably avoid



the worst cliche of them all



logical blunders the polyamorous should avoid



HEADSHOTS (post one!)



be open to the "just friends" option



messaging / netiquette



what's next? when to meet her offline?



keeping yourself safe



potential pitfalls or "This confusing thing happened and . . . ???"




Linsey of uncouthheathen.com gives some guest advice

Constructing Your Profile



1. You are special!



Everyone is special, somehow. How are YOU different? If you just can't think of how right off the bat, think about it for a while until you come up with at least a short list. It will no doubt be time well spent, and not just so you can create a decent profile.

Then be specific about it IN your profile. Nouns are better than adjectives, and stories or lengthier descriptions are better than both. You might already have all the great thoughts to share, just try to fill them out a bit more.

"I enjoy sports" isn't bad, but "I've been a goalie for a gay womens' soccer team for the last 4 years" provides a much more vivid picture.

"Community service is important to me" is OK, but "I help serve supper on Tuesday evenings for a local organization that feeds the homeless" is more descriptive.

"I've always loved animals" is fine, but "My beloved companion just took second place in a local Doberman competition" is even better.

"I'm well-educated" isn't terrible, but a brief description of your thesis topic would be more elucidating.

"I'm unconventional" doesn't suck, but "As a show of solidarity and political protest, I've refused to watch anything at all on television, listen to anything other than reggae music, or pay my income taxes since 1994" is a lot more colorful.


2. You are beautiful!



While we do recommend you convey how you actually are special, do NOT attempt to do that by merely insisting how exceptionally attractive or otherwise wonderful or desirable you are.

Seriously. Quit it. It's unappealing like spinach stuck in your teeth.

Especially after they’ve read a dozen or more profiles, many women find it a bit tiring reading insistence after insistence of how above average almost everyone is.

Besides, it's all subjective anyway. No matter how extraordinarily appealing you imagine yourself to be (or, even for those that DON'T), it's completely the case that some of our membership will think you're Smokin' Hot, others . . . perhaps less so.

So, DO show, not TELL. Post a headshot. SHOW everyone how hot you really are.

Similarly, don't just TELL everyone that you're interesting or a great catch, but instead type stuff that actually is interesting and/or speaks truthfully about your life's accomplishments. If you can do that, you'll no longer need to self-assign flattering adjectives, because they'll no longer be necessary. You will also actually BE more appealing (in their reality too, not just in your own mind) to many if you at least pretend a bit of modesty in these areas.


3. Post a headshot!



Yes, just like we just said above, we're saying again, POST A PHOTO THAT IS YOUR HEAD WITH YOUR FACE INCLUDED.

Profiles with headshots, or profiles with bodyshots but those clearly including the face are clicked on EXPONENTIALLY MORE OFTEN than profiles without a headshot.

Failure here will mean your profile will be clicked on far less often than those who didn't fail here.

Copious research insists profiles with headshots generate exponentially more interest. Women feel more comfortable responding to those who post realistic-looking headshots because they seem more "real" and more sincere about meeting people offline, and thus, much more appealing. A headshot is a signal to a lot of women that you’re more serious about meeting other women in person. (Because if you are, she will find out what you look like eventually, you know.) Many women also like having a face in mind, even when sending that very first message.

We've heard it said that posting a social profile without a headshot is like going to a party with a bag over your head.

That might be a little severe, but not entirely. A face to go along with the words on the screen will make you seem less virtual/theoretical and more "real" and "actual." It will also make your profile much more welcoming, which will make it easier for women to write you. No, a headshot isn't as compelling as in-person eye contact, but it's 1000 times more fascinating than a blank space where a headshot could have been.

Those who insist they cannot post a headshot for privacy reasons do so at the risk of being contacted (or even clicked on) far less. Also, a discourse on such is of no interest to anyone. Most women will not care what set of reasons you supposedly have for not posting one, in part because those could all be fake. Also, if you’re talking to people you don’t even know yet, they just don’t care. (Either they likely won't care when they read it, or they didn't even click on your profile in the first place so they're not ever even GOING to read it.)

To those who are paranoid about being "discovered," lesbotronic.com is much more private than most lesbian social networking services. No one's profile nor any details from anyone's profile is ever published or viewable out on the internet for just anyone to see. Anyone viewing your profile will have filled out our lengthy questionnaire themselves, had their profile NOT rejected, and then your collective search options must mutually NOT exclude each other. This will leave only a tiny fraction of our overall database of members. And then even for those women . . . guess what? Who is that other woman who can see your photo?

Why, that would be someone else who also signed up for lesbotronic.com.

It's likely NOT a problem that she "ran into you" here because hey . . . guess where she is TOO, see?

Any "discovery" either of might you feel you made will be mutual and non-problematic.

MOSTLY.

By MOSTLY we mean, if you're closeted and running for political office on a homophobic platform as an allegedly totally heterosexual person . . . then maybe not so much. Or if you live in a metro area full of lesbians you and your current significant other both know, many of them are single and dating (possibly on lesbotronic.com), and you intend to use internet personals to find someone to cheat on that significant other with without any of your mutual friends noticing . . . maybe not so much then, either. Or, in a witness protection program? On the lam from the law? OK, if a sketch of you has recently been on the news with the word WANTED above it, you better not post a headshot either.

But for everyone else, a headshot means you’re not “hiding” or "cheating" and that you’re not going to “stir up drama” by posting it. (Which would strongly suggest you'll not do similar just by starting a new relationship.)

In other words, if you say your profile is NOT designed to help you “cheat” on another relationship, you'll look better if your photo posting actions seem to back that up.

A few women have seen our advice on this issue and written in protesting, "But I don't want to post a photo because I don't want to start things out on a strictly superficial foot!"

No. That assumption won't get you very far at all.

You can and will avoid strictly superficial footing with a new internet contact (anyone you'll message back, anyway) by posting "deeper" things about yourself in your profile, and only responding to women that seem sincerely interested in those more complex or more personality-based things, possibly in addition to complimenting you on your photo. I mean, if you think otherwise, you would seem to be suggesting that you'll only want to begin corresponding with women who will NOT like the way you look . . . right?

What you WILL avoid by posting a headshot upfront is initial email from women containing little other than an immediate request for one.

While asking for a photo immediately or only 5 minutes into a conversation will make you sound more superficial than a drunken frat boy, having one already posted with your profile will eliminate all that in that you won't get those sort of excessively simple-minded contacts ("Liked your profile, gotta pic?").

Posting a headshot will also make it much less likely you'll invest any time and/or emotional energy corresponding with anyone who would later reject you due to nothing other than lack of interest in your physical appearance.

Yes, it's also possible to exchange pictures via private email instead, but in order to do that, you have to get TO the mutual emailing stage of the relationship, which is at least two stages PAST viewing your profile and sending that first message. If you don't post a picture upfront, some women aren't going to be interested enough to go TO those additional stages with you, they'll just stick with the profiles that bothered to post one in the first place.

In addition to that legitimate concern, sending a photo as an email attachment doesn't work for everyone:

- some don’t like to open them due to a fear of viruses or malware (that crap often arrives as attachments from unknown sources)
- some signed up with a work email address that doesn’t allow them and may even totally reject entire emails containing any attachments
- some have difficulty opening attachments, sometimes for software-related reasons
- if you do send one, you REALLY need to compress it first if it's larger than a few 100MB, and that can be a hassle

Finally, it’s generally considered RUDE to message someone asking them for a pic when you haven’t provided such FIRST in your own online profile.


4. What you want! (Baby I got it.)



If you're looking for a specific physical type in a romantic or sexual partner, share what you like best without sounding negative or cruel. This is not only the best thing in terms of attracting who you want, but also avoiding sounding like a total asshat. Yes, "I don't want to meet no fatties!" actually IS offensive, even to many women that definitely wouldn't qualify as a "fattie."

So is, "I don't want to meet no skinny bitches." Equally offensive and hurtful.

Let's just get up over and past all that sort of nonsense, shall we? Isn't all the hateful garbage foisted upon us by misogynistic corporate advertising enough already? Don't hate all over other women, especially women who you don't even know yet and were never hurtful in any way to YOU.

-- You have a fetish for a grrl that can bench ### pounds, say that.
-- You are hankerin' for a chick that can hit a home run in your softball league, say that.
-- You want a woman that can go with you on your favorite 25-mile hike, say that.
-- You want a woman with powerful biceps, say that.
-- You are attracted to women with nice round backsides, say that.
-- You want a juicy full-figured babe with a soft round belly who can naturally fill out a DD cup, say that.

Say ANY of that. It's not hard. And, it's just so much better than saying anything hateful.

Meanwhile, focusing exclusively or primarily on a woman's height, weight, or figure or some other strictly physical characteristic when stating your desires is not the brightest approach, especially if you are simultaneously looking for or open to a relationship with a "woman of substance" (and we do mean other than physical here).

Is there anything wrong with an interest in women with certain physical characteristics? No, not at all.

We all like what we like.

But telling a group of women that if they don't fit your definition of "hot" they "need not apply" is going to come off as shallow and a little stupid. A little stupid because if you didn't already know that's not the brightest approach to helping most women think they might like you, you really haven't been paying attention . . . or perhaps you're not yet mature enough to be here.

There will be women who do fit your definition in spades and know damn well they do, but won't bother with you because they thought your profile sounded asinine. (That means "stoooopid.")

Remember, even if a woman is open to something very casual and short-term, that's no guarantee she's open to having it with someone with no apparent higher intellectual function, style, or interpersonal charm and/or someone exclusively interested in her measurements.

Unless it's a unique personal fetish of hers to feel otherwise, she probably needs to think she's more captivating for you than a human-sized inanimate sex toy with her same dimensions. Many if not most women need to feel seduced by more and better, even if it is a one-nighter and everyone's fine with that.


5. Tell the truth!



Never lie about anything.

Feel free to describe your best self. But that does not NOT mean your imaginary self.

Tell the truth about everything. Lie about nothing. Honesty and clear-eyed self-acceptance are traits you cannot have too much of when creating a profile and looking for new relationships online.

Sustained trust is the foundation of virtually everything good that can happen between two people. Lying right out of the gate is something from which it will be very difficult if not impossible for any burgeoning relationship to recover.

Anyone who thinks it might be a good idea to lie about some personal stuff here or there just for now in order to have a better chance of attracting someone for a date in the immediate future is shooting themselves in the foot in terms of any longer-term happiness with anyone. And by longer-term we even mean like . . . 2 weeks from now.

If it's important or a major life detail, she won't likely completely forgive you for lying about it. Especially after you get caught, which you will, because big stuff is hard to keep secret.

If it's NOT important or superficial, she'll forgive you even less, because why lie about trivia?
What sort of person does that?
Why would they think it worthwhile or necessary to lie?
Trickery and lies are not good interpersonal strategies, because sooner or later everyone realizes liars aren't trustworthy. They figure out that Liars are just Lying Liars who Lie and who generally keep right on Lying. She'll probably find out you lied, then justifiably wonder, what else did you lie about?

Don't kid yourself that some personal detail is "superficial," so lying about it is "OK" either. She may not care at all whether or not you graduated from college, but she's GOING to care that you decided to lie about it. If not immediately, then after it begins to fester a bit. You'll ultimately never live it down, at least not with that woman. Or any of her friends. And yes, they will be talking about you. Hey, if this is your situation, you brought it on yourself. Try to do better next time.

Even if you come clean all by yourself about one lie, she'll wonder how many other things you probably also already lied about or are GOING to be lying about later. Those cancerous thoughts are getting louder . . . gathering momentum . . . gradually poisoning any other thoughts she has now or could have had about you in the future. Perhaps slowly, but ultimately surely, they will erode any desire to even be within shouting range.

Yes, there are people with low self-esteem who tell untruths because they're not who they want to be.
Not rich enough, not tall enough, not thin enough, not young enough, not educated enough . . . whatever perceived lack they feel. And yes, that's sad.

However, if you're one of those people, until you feel comfortable enough with who you really are that lying is not such a serious impulse, you probably won't be able to sustain any decent relationships with any worthwhile women. Be proud of who and what you actually are, or work hard on getting that way before you make meeting new people a priority. Yes, a liar messes with other people in an unethical manner by lying to them. But ultimately, the liar messes up his or her own life even more. All their important relationships crash and burn around the lies. The Lying Liar usually does NOT think the whole thing was their fault for lying, but to anyone else with the pertinent details, it will be completely obvious that it was.

It's also very rarely the case that a Lying Liar will behave ethically in many or most interpersonal situations, but put the Big Stink on just one or two with lies. This means if you've found yourself a Lying Liar Who Lies, just get away. Don't make excuses for them or rationalizations on their behalf, don't imagine how you could tolerate it or make it/them/your situation all better somehow . . . because you really can't. Just abort and get far away.

This reminds us of an appropriate Maya Angelou quote: "When people show you who they are, believe them."


6. Be! Here! Now!



Do NOT be apologetic or awkward or full of excuses or attempts to be excessively "casual" about being on lesbotronic.com (or anywhere else you might have a lesbian social networking profile). Never ever imply that internet personals are for "some sort of loser."

Meeting people to date in various places on the internet has become way too mainstream to be easily dismissed or to suggest that "people who meet dates online" fall into any particular category or could be described by any particular adjective. Well, except, perhaps, the category of "Can Use Web Browser."

In fact, several polls have suggested that the more money you make and the more years you stayed in school, the more likely you are to meet people to date online as opposed to more "traditional" ways (bars, churches, friends of friends or your family, your workplace). This is in part due to the fact that the more successful or highly paid you are at your job, the more likely it is you'll have valid reasons to AVOID dating your coworkers or employees. You might also have less time to spend hanging out at your local bar or other similar venue.

First of all, exactly whom do you think you're addressing? At least on our service, anyone allowed to see your profile will have had to fill one out of her own, have it accepted, and then you must also collectively meet each other's search options. No one else is going to see it. So, the best start would be to explore how your collective convergence on this website and the fact you have a few things in common about who you'd like to meet can lead to even more joyful synergy. Acting like it's something about which you should now both place bags over your heads is seriously not an appealing initial tone to take.

Second, it's just SOOOO 1994. Once upon a time, long long ago, in a land where most people did NOT use the internet, it's true that not that many people had online personal profiles. (Because not that many people were online . . . AT ALL.) Maybe way back then, there was one or just a few personality types that might be found online. Maybe. We're not sure; we don't care so much.

But THESE days, if you're looking to form any sort of new relationship whatsoever, you'd almost have to be kinda slow NOT to have at least one personal profile active. THESE days, foot-dragging or apologies for lesbian social networking is really NOT the cool way to be "retro."

Third, we'd advise putting forth your more optimistic and upbeat side, as opposed to: I don't know why I'm here . . . A friend just told me to drop by . . . I don't really know what I want . . . I don't normally do this sort of thing . . . I don't know if I actually want to be on a personals site . . . I just don't even know if I can even be bothered to be decisive about anything at all . . .

To all of the above just . . . UGH! It just sounds hopelessly and unappealingly wishy-washy and feeble-minded. Like, "I want to meet new people . . . except that . . . maybe I don't!" Or like someone is already complaining about what MIGHT happen in advance of anything actually occurring. Again, not a good initial portrait, and definitely not inspirational in terms of motivating other women to want to contact you.

Compare the above petulance to something more along the lines of: "Hi! This is who I am (fill in the blank)! I'm excited to meet some new people! Some new people hopefully like (fill in the blank)! So, let's go! Let's have some sort of fun together! It'll be great!"

Wouldn't you rather contact someone like that over someone who sounds whiny or like they're already ambivalently shrugging their shoulders in advance about the possibility of meeting anyone . . . at all?

Additional note: We do realize that some women post an intentionally ambivalent-sounding profile because they've been traditionally (read: heterosexually) socialized not to "appear too eager" or some such bullcrap like that. And . . . perhaps that bullcrap works quite a little better, back in Heterosexual Land. If that's been the case for you, yes, we do understand that, and no, we didn't write this just to make fun of you. Also, we're definitely NOT saying you have to act eager to "jump in the sack" or do anything else WHATSOEVER too precipitously with any particular new acquaintance. Nope. Not a'tall.

But you should also realize that lesbotronic.com is a site for women, genderqueers, and trans folk, not heterosexual men. If we're talking about the possibility of a relationship of any sort developing between two women, and both women continue to insist on "playing hard to get" . . . well . . . it's going to be damn hard to get past the wallflower stage, isn't it? SOMEONE will have to display SOME degree of enthusiasm to get ANY sort of party started, see? Women may imagine you might be enjoyable to meet based on your personal characteristics, but few will want to take responsibility for ferreting you out of the dark tunnel in which you seem to be hiding.

Finally, in this instance, we're still talking about YOUR PROFILE. Ambivalence or "needing to get to know someone better" in any PARTICULAR relationship situation can be totally understandable. What we're discussing here is ambivalence about ever meeting anyone at all, which isn't going to be a plus for a personal profile, because that's your first impression with anyone at all you ever might meet here. OK, we hope we clarified that successfully. Moving right along . . .


7. Know thyself!



Never EVER say this, "I don't know what I'm looking for, in fact, I don't even know why I'm here." Then, Cupcake, no one else will either, and that's going to make it damn hard to respond (or to even want to bother).

You don't have to have it 100% figured out, but dropping a clue or some breadcrumbs is important.

Think of who might be reading your profile. Think about the sort of woman you'd HOPE would respond. Then, help her out, at least a little, by letting her know she's the sort you'd love to meet.


8. Prioritize!



HOWEVER, on the other hand, we've also seen more than our share of profiles from women who say, "I will never date any woman that is/is not . . . (insert really and truly VERY VERY LONG list here)".

It IS good to have a basic handle on what you are looking for and what any “deal breakers” might be, but really and truly EXCESSIVE specificity might narrow you down and out of your own market. The healthiest person who most often successfully and gratifyingly connects with REAL people realizes they are never "made to order."

We are not now and will never suggest that you settle for dating/mating/relating/cohabitating with someone that represents an importantly felt "deal breaker" on your list.

However, if writing out that list or explaining it to another person tends to take longer than your last few relationships lasted . . . this also might be an important clue. For every restriction you put upon finding a potential partner, your pool of possibles just got smaller.

Imagine all your restrictions and then try to imagine how many folks might remain in your local area that weren't eliminated. Are you certain there actually ARE quite a few of these women near you? Does your list actually feel realistic? Do you meet a lot of those people out and about? Do they often seem in relationships with persons such as yourself?

For you younger sorts: In addition to that, try to imagine how many of your "restrictions" are really and truly superficial. If you think a particular eye color or whether or not someone has freckles are hugely important qualities in selecting a new companion, we’d suggest you head back to the drawing board. In addition, excessive focus on the superficial will signal to other women (even those that might have "qualified"), that you're emotionally immature and/or not so much with the real world relationship experience.

For you more experienced sorts: We know that for some of you that have been around the block a few times, your "Do NOT Want to Meet" list may be getting longer than any corresponding "Dos." And warding off an encore appearance of the catastrophes of your interpersonal past is a sign of wisdom, certainly. But try not to go totally negative in your profile with only a laundry list of folks who shouldn't bother contacting you and/or various personal qualities you hate. If a woman is able to read what you wrote and say to herself, "No, I'm not that thing she despises," it's probably SOMETHING. However, a more affirmative, "Yes, I AM!" to a list of qualities someone feels genuine enthusiasm for will likely be more inspirational in terms of motivating contact.


9. Keep an open mind!



Along those lines of the above, we'd recommend remaining open-minded in selecting your search options on this site.

With your search criteria, you're really not just indicating what you might find ideal, but EXCLUDING.

We'd recommend using your search options more broadly to exclude anything that would be a "deal breaker" for you rather than very narrowly to indicate your current "dream date." Having someone in your search results on our site will never represent any form of obligation to go out with her, meet her in person even once, or even to exchange messages with her.

The profiles in your search results only represent possibilities, nothing more or less unless you and those other person(s) make it so. That means there is no obligation to date them, befriend them, meet them in person even once, or even to exchange messages with them. Not at all.

Unless your search options have you so overwhelmed with so very many profiles in your search results that you don't even have time to look at them all, more possibility is usually a good thing. And keeping your horizons more broad might result in unexpectedly meeting a different sort of someone than who you originally had in mind that you'd nevertheless find delightful.

We've also found that as women get more experienced in the arena of relationships with other women, they later find themselves able to relate well and develop fulfilling relationships of various sorts with other women they might not initially have had the wisdom to consider. Word to the wise.


10. Be realistic!



Along the lines of but not exactly like the above, your search options also need to be REALISTIC.

What "realistic" consists of for you depends heavily on various things about your demographic as well as your location, so we can't precisely define that here. We will say that if you sign up with a particular set of search options that result in a very small number of profiles in your search results, this is definitely something to consider. Expanding those search options, that is.

An example: We received a good bit of angry email from one woman after our site provided her with absolutely no one to contact after a month. She got completely bent out of shape and blamed us for "discriminating against her." (The exact form of the alleged discrimination was never fully elucidated.)

We checked her profile, and she had excluded absolutely everyone from her search results other than a butch lesbian between the ages of 47-55 of Native American ancestry who had attended graduate school. She also identified as butch, but had only graduated from high school. She was 25 years old and identified as White.

And . . . she lived in . . . North Dakota. She also wanted to be matched with only other North Dakotans.

Please bear in mind that for this site to connect her with just the sort of woman she requested, we'd not only have to have just that sort of demographically specific and thus probably rare woman in our database, but that woman's search options would also have to include HER.

Our goal here is not to poke fun at anyone's desires, but to encourage examination what might or might not be realistic demographically in terms of meeting an adequate number of others via a social service. Based on the demographics in the example above, we suggested she was not being realistic in terms of expecting a crowd in her search results. She didn't take it well. We wonder how she's doing now.


11. Fly your freak flag high!



When typing stuff for your freetext areas, share details about yourself that are a little strange, odd, silly, or even slightly neurotic. Not saying you need to share your innermost secrets, but go for quirky, unusual, different. It’s better to risk sounding a bit foolish or wacky than refuse to allow even the possibility of that but instead bore everyone into unconsciousness or the fervent desire for such.

Continuously and/or extremely dignified peeps often bore the will to live out of everyone within range. The amusingly self-depreciating (even goofy) sort will win the hearts of far more women far more quickly than those who offer stiffly written personal profiles that sound more like resumes.

You’re not applying for a stuffed shirt job at a conservative corporation (at least not HERE, we mean). Fun and funny will trump tightly wound and tedious with most women. Impressive yet mind-numbingly bland doesn’t usually bring the big interest either.

(Incidentally, the previous was not meant as a jab at anyone with a job at a conservative corporation . . . depending on the corporation in question. Even those women probably enjoy “letting their hair down” on their time OFF work, no?)

Uniquely human details also reinforce the idea that there's another actual human on the other end, someone who might welcome hearing from you. Plus, wouldn't it be nice to hear from someone who already finds your peccadilloes charming?


12. Laugh and the world laughs with you!



Along the lines of the above, amusing others outright will almost never hurt. Amusing a woman will usually lead to her wanting more. Eccentricity and self-deprecation are also chaming and usually impress others that you're fun to be around.

To illustrate this principle more fully, we're just going to link to this book review on salon.com:

"Advertisements for myself: A hilarious collection of self-deprecating personals from the London Review of Books"

(Read that, you won't be sorry. And if you really love it, you can get more by getting the book.)


13. Helllllooooooooo, HOTMAMA!



Use a "real" sounding "name" in your profile. If you don't want to use your whole first and last name, just your first name or a nickname you wouldn't mind your mother overhearing would be great. OR, you could also pick something connoting an interest or hobby related to something OTHER than sex.

We suggest this because we know that while sexual suggestiveness in your "name" (if your "name" isn't your actual given name) might get you noticed, it usually won't attract the sort of women with whom most members would like to share a serious relationship — or even a serious conversation, for that matter. For many women looking for any sort of relationship likely to outlast the coming weekend, an excessively sexual "name" will suggest a lack of seriousness or sincerity in their desire to meet real people for real relationships, even casual (but still real and existing in the "real world") relationships.

Nope, not saying that's always true. Also not saying it's true for men.

What are we saying? Just that we've noticed this tends to be true for women.

We can't say precisely why, but our working theory is that women, especially women sincerely looking for a more "real" connection that will lead to a meeting OFF the internet, tend to think ahead just a little bit.

If you call yourself "SexGoddess69XXX" online and say you want to meet women for in-person relationships, one day you may actually succeed in doing just that.

And then at some point you'll have to say, "Um . . . my name is actually Virginia."

Most women would find that moment slightly awkward. Extra especially so if they were coming off a name insisting they possessed Goddess-like facilities or abilities related to those particular numbers and letters.


14. You wouldn't like me when I'm angry!



Avoid Going Totally Negative. The "I hate everything and everyone sucks and now I am angry," style of personal profile. There's a certain sort of woman who undeniably possesses a cynical, jaded, throaty-voiced, existentially cloudy, spiritually frostbitten, chain-smoking, bourbon-demanding, late-night last call sort of charm. THAT certain sort of woman can pull all those qualities off with the kind of style that makes it all worthwhile . . . if you're into that sort of thing. Think Dorothy Parker? Fran Lebowitz?

But most of us aren't going to entirely manage that to widespread acclaim, at least not in a personal profile. (But if you can, we're looking forward to reading it.) If you think you're THAT cool, more power to you, sister. For the rest of you, going totally negative is probably not your best bet. Most of us want to at least imagine that absolutely everything might not necessarily end in tears. Give your intended potential partner-in-whatever to be some ideas about how the two of you WILL conquer the world. Or at least have a rockin' good time while you're still in it.

Reeking of sour grapes, bitterness or defeat isn’t attractive either. Do your best to get over it and get back out there. You'll likely find some different thoughts to think (a different song to sing?) once you do.


15. Say. . . WHAT?



Check your spelling and grammar in your freetext areas.

It has been said that bad grammar, spelling, and punctuation are the "spinach in the teeth" of internet interpersonal communication. In person, someone might not notice or care as much about how you speak. However, if the quality of your speech (typing) is all or most of what they have to look at to know you, as is the case via the internet? It gets harder not to care.

We're not saying you need term paper perfection, and casual speech is just fine, for most. However, blatant and easily avoidable errors will be a turn off for some. Not all women are terribly judgmental. But even for those that try not to be . . . imagine a scale with someone who has never heard of spellchecking and can't type a grammatically correct sentence to save her life on one end vs. someone who sounds educated, literate, and thoughtful on the other. Shooting for the latter impression will always be your best bet.

Yes, we DO KNOW that some women will read this and think, "I'm not interested in any English Teacher Oppressor Types!" Or, "Who the F*** are you to tell me how I should express myself?" Yes, we do know that. Already. And if that's your attitude, we're actually NOT trying to argue with you about that.

However, what we WILL say is that mostly correctly spelled words and vaguely correct grammar DO matter to SOME women that will read your profile. You're making a first impression on a wide variety of women with what you type in your profile. If your profile fails to sound like someone that at least COULD HAVE written a passing term paper, some women will judge you negatively for that. Those women won't be interested in you, and if you message them, they won't respond.

People that take the time to proofread their profiles will tend to prefer the profiles of others who also bothered to do similar.

Whatever you choose to do with that information is entirely up to you.


16. STOP SHOUTING!



Similarly, make your profile easy for intended recipients to actually read.

The first step in showing her you're someone who can consider the needs and comfort of others long enough to be an enjoyable presence in HER life is making an effort to make your freetext areas somewhat easy for HER to actually read.

This means DO NOT TYPE THE ENTIRE THING IN CAPITAL LETTERS. TYPING EVERY DAMN THING YOU TYPE ENTIRELY IN CAPS MEANS YOU EITHER HAVE NO IDEA HOW TO USE A FRIGGIN' KEYBOARD, ARE TOO FRIGGIN' LAZY TO BE FRIGGIN' BOTHERED WITH ANY FRIGGIN' CONCERN FOR HOW OTHERS FRIGGIN' EXPERIENCE YOU, OR ARE FRIGGIN' CONSTANTLY YELLING AT THE TOP OF YOUR FRIGGIN' LUNGS.

Most women will find none of the above terribly appealing.

That is, if they even bother to slog through reading something formatted in such a way that would discourage it.

it also means do not type the whole thing without punctuation or capital letters it makes things more difficult to read you do not know where one sentence ends and another begins and it is like one long run on sentence kind of in a monotone and it is a bit like a small child or a patient in a mental hospital do you not think yes I do and maybe i would like to meet some women like that or maybe i would not and i don't know and i am thinking about that now and it is something i worry about but i cant say that in an actual sentence because i am someone who does not care how hard it is for this sentence to be read because that is not a concern of mine but you should contact me anyway because then i will send you some email like this and you will have a very hard time reading it too but i hope you will decipher it because i am someone who has a hard time with her keyboard but i am someone who wants to put up a personal ad anyway but i cannot be bothered to correct this because i do not care about your reading comfort because i think that my unwillingness to hit the shift key is much more important than your ability to actually read what i have to say but even though i am saying that i am unwilling to make it easier for you to read what i have to say i would still like you to read what i have to say anyway and if you think it is terribly stupid that i type like this that makes you some sort of fascist right also you should know that my unwillingness to hit the shift key makes me so completely and totally cool its like wow one day i said i would no longer hit the shift key or use any punctuation whatsoever and that made me totally like a really important revolutionary and stuff just so you know but it was obvious because you should see how great i am . . .

Er . . . no.

Construction of actual sentences complete with capital letters at the beginning of each and punctuation where that would be pertinent demonstrates an intelligence level at least that required for competent use of a computer keyboard.

Are we saying that you are a moron if you don't make an effort to type properly?

No.

But are we saying that if you just can't be bothered, many women will find your profile both less intelligible and less appealing?

Yes.

<-- back to #1: general recommendations <--

--> onward to #3: cliches you should probably avoid -->



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