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Ever had or seen a successful polyamorous relationship?

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I just have to ask this question, even though I risk being criticized.

As a bisexual/queer/omni/whatever, I have always been a serial monogamist. Woman/man/woman/man...pretty much like clockwork. I just don't know that I can get everything I need from either gender, so I've seriously contemplated trying to find a polyamorous relationship. The problem is, I just can't imagine how it would work.

It would seem like no matter what, there would be a power imbalance, hurt feelings, sexual jealousy, etc. I've broached this topic with past (male, sexually sophisticated) partners, and while many people would think they'd be up for it (no pun intended), they were not. Occasional sexual tryst, yes; full-blown relationship, NO.

My female partners were even less supportive. Everyone was open to an occasional, casual sexual encounter, but the idea of having an actual relationship was too threatening. Actually, even talking about the idea of entering into a polyamorous relationship was too threatening.

Has anyone had any experience with making this work?

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Has anyone had any experience with making this work?

Nope.

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It seems pretty relevant to me right now as I am in a long term relationship with a man at the moment and am realising how successful it is going but that I, like you, need both sexes for satisfaction. The simple compromise that's been discussed between us is that I'm to find a woman on the side for a physical fling! I was really surprised with my man when he calmly proposed his solution because most people aren't okay with the other person seeing someone else at the same time. Usually it's a one-off thing but, for me it's agreed that I shall have a 'girlfriend' as such! I actually beleive this will work and I'll have few problems because he has decided he wont get involved in my extra relationship, not even for a threesome etc. This should keep the emotional problems such as jealousy outta sight.

I guess I have only to wait and see what happens:)

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Yes yes yes! I've been non-monogamous for about 7 years and I wouldn't give it up for anything. It hasn't been all sweetness and light, and yes -- there have been hurt feelings, sexual jealousy, power imbalances... but no more so than in my monogamous relationships. And the good stuff has far outweighed the bad (for me! I'm definitely not suggesting that one relationships style is for everyone).

The problem is, I just can't imagine how it would work.

don't give up! it's true, like anything, it won't always work out. but it can. And while many people would think they'd be up for it (no pun intended), they were not.

*laugh* no kidding. it has also been my experience that people who've never tried non-monogamy before overestimate their level of comfort. there's something to be said for getting involved with someone who's tried it and is sure it's for them.

Occasional sexual tryst, yes; full-blown relationship, NO.

interesting distinction... i've noticed it too. my theory: the core of monogamy is not about sexual exclusivity (as the dictionary seems to assume), but about security... anyone have any thoughts on this?

take care,

Len

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I was thinking maybe polyamorous relationships are a bit like communism, good in theory, total disaster in reality. 

But I am also one of those people who prefers to be involved with both women and men at the same time.

Right now I have a ltr with a man, who understands and supports my bisexuality, and I'm on the lookout for that perfect best girl friend with benefits. Although I have refrained from calling her a "girlfriend" to my boyfriend, someone who you love as a friend who you have sex with can't be that different from love, and polyamory. So I'm on the fence about this one, when (and if!) I find the girl im looking for I hope I can figure out the whole polyamory thing and see if it works for me.

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Define 'success'. I have witnessed polyamorous relationships among my friends that have been wonderfully successful for a while (up to a year, maybe) and have then fallen apart for various reasons. We are young, our relationships do not tend to last for extended periods of time. But if you mean 'success' as in, it made those in it happy at the time, yes, I have seen it in practise. It looked like fun!

Not-in-person I have encountered a number of polyamorous 'families' (how I think of them) on the internet, and they all seem quite successful. Not in terms of never having any problems, just in terms of being well-negotiated, open communication, huge amounts of respect, etc.

I agree that 'monogamy' is mostly about security, and in the polyamorous relationships I've seen work 'security' has been a primary concept. I am not intending to generalise across relationships, but in the one's I've witnessed, they have centred around two or more 'primaries' who form a secure 'core' and then may have other shorter term partners, and/or fuckbuddy friendships, and/or other poly families they shag every now and then. I would be very interested to hear about other people's experiences that expand on or are different to these forms.

I am quite curious about polyamory but seem to orient much more towards short-term-serial-monogamy. I am quite ambitious however, and would very much like to think that it's something I could experience in the future, in one or many of it's various forms.

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WARNING! The following is a late night rant of some length and questionable clarity read at own risk and remember," change is inevitable, growth is optional......" I have been in several "poly"ships; What exactly is the definition/ degree of "success" we are using as abox to stuff our open selves into??? I will stand by my belief in my own "successes" and degrees of growth i have experienced thusfar. I have had also, my share of serial-monogamy, to an equal degree of "success". all of these successful ships of all kinds have led me to the place i am now, alone. Well, not really alone; in fact:in a committed, long-term (12yrs), completely co-dependant existence with my fuzzy k-9 friend. the fact that I do not presently maintain sexual/intimate relations with each and every lover i have ever had, would define "failure" in many folks' dictionary of ships. However, i, myself have had every single "truth/fact/belief/understanding/assumption/and definition (my entire world as i had experienced and lived so far really) completely challenged, and spun around and opposited even. I am shaking my head and laughing at me even now.

we tend to take ourselves and our immediate needs/wants far too seriously,and base our very survival upon immpossible/unreasonable demands upon other people's responsibility/definitions.....we forget to live/experience/accept/learn/grow/watch listen/feel and trust. We walk around in an increasingly tightening circle around the boxes we buind to guard" the walls we build around them so as that we can become scared, angry and mistrusting, accusing and punishing ourselves and our loved ones for every mistake or unacceptable thing they do "to us" blah blah until we have squashed the beautiful thing we were so "in love/enamoured"with, often, in fact, hating each other and our world of possibility and love fades to black.....but, i digress.....

oh ya, so here iat 33, knowing nothing for sure as the basis for what i know. i am stronger in who i am than ever before, even though i question my very existence daily. I believe that if two people really love each other enough to stand side by each and support each other through all the ugliness and pain that is life, this is a priceless gift. it's strength and energy will attract/create an even greater energy=more draw=more energy...and on to infinity. according to this, the greater your love/connection, the more pull towards it created by it. If we can just trust and be secure enough in ourselves to allow/accept this energy to grow around us and lift us up, it would hurt alot less than fatalistic limited fear based metamorphisis into a buncha crippled up, dark mistrusting victims and martyrs complete with chips on the shoulder, a world of injustice out to get us, and a trail of "failed" relationships with "assholes" whom have "hurt" us and done us wrong We could remember instead to remind each other that we are all just stupid humans, full of possibility and love just trying to make it through life w/o stepping on our dicks we make mistakes, and the whole world does not, as it turns out, end; in fact, it expands. you do not have to have the time/capacity/willingness, or desire to be intimate with more than 1 person at a time. it is alot more work, and requires self-awareness, honesty and clear communication in order to work ("succeed")

I am strongly opposed to folks whom have never been poly, whom do not fully wrap their beliefs around it, or whom are not otherwise inclined towards ships of this sort "trying" to force themselves to "be ok" with being in one for another. it is good to question, and to try for sure, everything once, but not to be something we inheirently are not, for anyone else's acceptance or approval; this, in my experience leads to unneccessary pain and tainted judgemental views of misunderstood experiences......damm i can carry on, sorry, nothin, i really have no opinion on this matter; to each his own; whatever will be will be and stuff, ya, don't rock the boat (as if).whatever you do, do not make people question what it is they think they know for sure or the entire universe as they know it to be could shatter out from under them.....  . and yet we simutaneously limit our possibilities

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I believe that if two people really love each other enough to stand side by each and support each other through all the ugliness and pain that is life, this is a priceless gift.

Indeed, I agree quite highly with all of this. The girl I'm committed to and I have only been together for six months, and the first two of those months were heavenly bliss. But at the end of May, life really fell apart for both of us, and we've been struggling tooth and nail against many many things and people that want nothing more to tear us apart. However, we refuse to let go of each other, and even though life has completely thrown a ton of shit at us, we're trying to stay strong.

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If we can just trust and be secure enough in ourselves to allow/accept this energy to grow around us and lift us up, it would hurt alot less than fatalistic limited fear based metamorphisis into a buncha crippled up, dark mistrusting victims and martyrs complete with chips on the shoulder, a world of injustice out to get us, and a trail of "failed" relationships with "assholes" whom have "hurt" us and done us wrong We could remember instead to remind each other that we are all just stupid humans, full of possibility and love just trying to make it through life w/o stepping on our dicks we make mistakes, and the whole world does not, as it turns out, end; in fact, it expands. you do not have to have the time/capacity/willingness, or desire to be intimate with more than 1 person at a time. it is alot more work, and requires self-awareness, honesty and clear communication in order to work ("succeed")

Again, I agree. People need to remember that other people mess up and all that. I have mixed feelings about polyamorous relationships, even though technically, I'm in one right now. I've never done this before, and yes, it is quite hard. I don't think it should be attempted unless you love and trust who you're with very much. Unless, of course, you're not looking for a stable core relationship. But I think a lot of people want that stability that the whole love-and-trust thing gives. She wants me to be with other people, and I want to as well. And we're both really comfortable with it because we believe that we love each other enough to know that no matter who I'm with, I'll always come back to her.

Granted, there's that risk that maybe I will find someone "better" or whatever you prefer to call it, but I personally think that's highly unlikely.

Anyway, I've babbled enough. Thought I'd comment and share my views.

~Sabeth 

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Yeah... I'm in my second poly relationship, and it is going pretty well so far. My first lasted for about a year and was quite nice but we didn't have any other serious partners, just random flings during it. The success there was definitely based on low expectations and a general committment to respecting each other's choices regardless of the situation.

My current relationship is even more formally "poly" and we're both fully committed to keeping it that way. We've only had minor drama about other "things" that have happened, and it wasn't so much about the events themselves as the way they were dealt with. We made an agreement to be the first to tell each other about our experiences with others instead of letting them filter through other people. It has been interesting dealing with the internet as another method for the person to find out. Say I hook up with a dude and randomly post about it to a group like you guys and then my GF comes along and sees the post prior to us discussing it... not ok. So that's the type of thing we've had arguments about. But we're both learning a lot about communication and the ways in which to deal with each other. I'm liking it a lot so far, as this is the first time I've felt like I can be 100% honest about my feelings for other people.

I'm definitely glad I've evolved into being poly, and it will be interesting to see how this lifestyle ends up working out for me. So far super-pleasurable!!!

Sarah B.

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I am a married poly woman. We have been poly from the beginning. When we met I was in a LTR with a woman who was in a poly relationship as well. Four years in and we're still going strong. Not to say that there haven't been jealousies and hurt feelings, but what makes it work is your commitment to your relationships. My husband and I have an agreement between the two of us that is simple. Total honesty. Basically don't ask a question that you don't want to know the answer to. There have been hiccups along the way of course. Example: He began a relationship with a woman that my initial instincts told me to be wary of this one. But I tried to swallow those feelings of she's going to try to remove me from the picture all together. As it turned out, that did end up being the case but we did not have it confirmed until quite a while later. Of course he ended this relationship when that became apparent.

Basically it comes down to the trust you have in your partner(s). That is the fundamentals of any relationship. Do I think polyamory is for everyone...no! It's a struggle and it's definately not the path of least resistence. Is it fulfilling? Absolutely! For me. I've never been a monogamous person at heart and everytime I tried, I either failed or was miserable. It's a personal fit for me.

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I am strongly opposed to folks whom have never been poly, whom do not fully wrap their beliefs around it, or whom are not otherwise inclined towards ships of this sort "trying" to force themselves to "be ok" with being in one for another. it is good to question, and to try for sure, everything once, but not to be something we inheirently are not, for anyone else's acceptance or approval; this, in my experience leads to unneccessary pain and tainted judgemental views of misunderstood experiences......

I am a to-each-his-own kind of person. I have never been in a poly relationship, and don't think I need to in order to know it isn't for me. It's not being a kid again and mom is telling you to try the asparagus because you don't know if you really like it until you try it.

How many of us, after telling our parents about being gay, got asked: "How do you know if you are gay if you have never been with a guy?" or, for those of us who were virgins at the time: "How do you know you are gay if you haven't even been with anyone yet?" And how many of us found those questions to be totally stupid?

We all know that you don't have to be with a particular someon to know whether there is or is not an attraction. You know who you have the desire to be with.

What I am trying to say is that I think you just know some things without having to try them. That does not necessarily make one narrow-minded.

I don't have a problem with poly people or their lifestyle. I only ask that you be up front with it so monogamous people don't get hooked up with you. That's just asking for trouble. I realize many of you do keep it out in the open, but some don't.

Some anthropologists feel that humans are not monogamous, some feel we are supposed to be. Either way, we can clearly see that neither one fits 100% We are either an odd species that can encompass both, or we are in transition.

Whatever works for you is fine, as long as you are aware that others may not share your view.

Monogamy works for me, even though no one person can be another's everything. That is why I have friends. I think those of us who are monog. (successfully, anyway) find one person who fills enough of the proper needs we have, so as to make going outside the relationship unnecessary ( we do need friends and family, however). It's all a matter of who you are, recognizing that, being up front about it, and learning how to keep whatever relationship it is you decide to have, working.

Most any relationship needs communication, respect, trust, and an understanding of its boundaries. You know what you will and will not put up with, regardless of your relationship style.

To each, his own. And try the liver, you might like it this time around. Lol.

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i've definitely had successful polyamorous relationships. and i actually consider myself a stronger, wiser and, more open person due to the growth and love i've found in them. i would NEVER say that polyamory is for everyone; whatever truly works for you is what's truly best for you. i speak only from my own experience, and from the other positive experiences with polyamory that i've witnessed.

i had a five year open relationship with another women, from our teen years to early twenties. we both saw other people in varying levels of seriousness; we both dated other women, men, and trans people, so we both consider ourselves basically omnisexual. but she was my Number One; or what those of us actively involved in being poly would call "a primary partner." nothing ever came before her, and though i took the needs of others in my life very seriously, she was my love. she came first if necessary, and others respected this.

right now i'm in a serious, open relationship with a man -- and am also falling quickly in love with a woman i've known for awhile now. (no threesomes or anything like that; these are two two separate and beautiful relationships.) both of these people are very open to polyamory, and we all just want to see each other happy. to me, that's what being poly comes down to: trusting your partner's love. but also wanting them to experience other sensual or sexual experiences that make them happy. while my current two partners are what i'd consider primary, i also have some really lovely connections with other women. (and men and trans folks are a definite possibility; i just date women most frequently.) i'm not closed off to whatever beauty and connection the world may offer me, and i feel so lucky to have two partners who respect and understand that. (and who let themselves be open to the same possibilities.) as anyone who's struggled to be determinedly polyamorous knows, it's rare to find people who really respect & understand everything that goes into doing it successfully.

all relationships, if they're going to work, require a lot of real communication and honesty. i've found that being poly truly causes me to be even more honest with myself and my partners; it brings things to the surface more often, and communication becomes even more natural and easy for us. when i need reassurance, i ask for it. when i'm worried about my partner, i do everything possible to make sure that everything is okay, and that they are able to express any fears or insecurities. sexual health is also something you have to be even more aware and straightforward about, if you're poly.

being polyamorous doesn't mean that i love my primary partner (or in this case, the two of them) any less. it just means that i believe connection comes in numerous shades, and it would be a shame to miss out on any of them. if i kiss you, you mean something to me, and most likely it's something pretty serious. even if i only have the chance to be with someone a few times, due to circumstance; even if we just walk in the rain and kiss and drink tea together; i'm glad to have shared that particular connection.

what it comes down to is that i just don't believe the heart is a limited resourse. i really do understand that for some, monogamy is the way to go. but i also think that if we let ourselves be really honest and communicative with our partners, polyamory can be an option for many of us.

whew. 

peace and pink lipsticked kisses,

bird

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Polyamory is one of those things that makes sense in theory but (unfortunately!) doesn't always work out smoothly in reality.

A relationship that I had started out being open ended on my part. I was under the assumption that since I was being honest to everyone, it was all okay. Which in a way it was, but later I found out that there was a lot of resentment behind it all.

Polyamorous relationships could only exist peacefully if people didn't eventually develop attatchments towards others. Because America is such a mono-oriented culture, we have been (yes, even we free-thinking lesbians) socialized to believing commitment is good and polyamory and openess to be "bad." So we all hear this message and end up developing feelings (that are genuine), behind them.

And, if I am truly satisfied with myself, I only have enough energy to give my all to only one person. others may feel different, but I'm a little selfish with my energy 

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Polyamorous relationships could only exist peacefully if people didn't eventually develop attatchments towards others.

i think much of what you're saying here holds a lot of truth. many of the reasons that people struggle with polyamory definitely have to do with cultural socialization, etcetera.

but i do think the statement i quoted above is a pretty negative generalization. polyamorous relationships can exist peacefully in many ways -- i know you meant no offense, but to say that for polyamory to work people must not develop attachments makes it sound as if you are invalidating all serious, loving polyamorous relationships.

i think human beings are capable of enormous change, growth & evolution. and some of that growth, some serious challenges, may come into play for a couple/group to be peacefully polyamorous. but i can tell you from personal experience that polyamory does NOT mean lack of attachment. in fact, for myself & many others i know, it means the exact opposite. it means allowing yourself to grow attached to more than one person; to explore a variety of connections, relationships & attachments. it can indeed take some serious rethinking to live this way, and it does challenge you to face lots of issues (jealousy, possesiveness, insecurity, etc.) very head-on.

but this does not mean that serious, meaningful attachments can't be present in polyamorous relationships. we all have our preferences, definitely. but for the people i know who take their poly lifestyles seriously, it means a great deal to them to have meaningful connections with (and thus, attachments to) each partner they have. again, i think much of what you said made sense. it was just that one sentence that simplified things far too much. it didn't take account of the many people who have made the choice to live beyond those societal structures, and who are doing so peacefully, lovingly & with deep emotion.

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Well, I didn't want to appear to invalidate non-committal relationships in general. But I think there is a difference in "non-committment" and "juggling." As I've said, eventually, there may be a realization that while you thought it was fine, someone else may not have-- but didn't want to cause rifts. Of course this is impossible to find out, until it's rather late and I understand that it is not fair to oneself to play guessing games.

We are young and so I think the possibilites seem endless for us. However, as I've found myself doing as I've grown a little older (but I'm not old!  ), the ideas of what I want from a relationship have changed. Before (as you say quite eloquently) we look for experiences to have, people to know and to love, and have many people love us back. There is nothing wrong with that, obviously. But when the experiences and love games all seem like a repetition, I think we usually turn to something else in a partner: stability and trust. We face our issues (hopefully) in our youth. The older we get, the more we want simplicity.

I don't think that attatchment equals possession in any way. Rather, we have limits of energy and for myself, energy is more precious if it is committed and peaceful.

Not Trying to Patronize,

Lisa. 

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Not at all, I don't think you seem patronizing. I just think that maybe you haven't been exposed to many polyamorous situations that involve long-term love. I do know some people who enjoy the fun in polyamory; the freedom to play and flirt as much as they like, etcetera. But those people are often considered swingers, rather than polyamorous. After all, the word amourous is rooted in amor: love. I know far more polyamorous people who, like me, seek both long-term love & the freedom to have other experiences.

I am chronically ill, so the need for stability rates high in my life. Reliability, dependability, all of these things -- they matter more than I expected at 24. But I've found that I can have those, and also live a polyamorous life. It takes effort and lots of loving, conscious communication... but it can be very happily done! I suppose I'll get a bit personal to explain: I'm living a life with a very primary partner. We spend 5-6 out of 7 nights together, and will shortly be getting a home together. I also have a sort of "secondary" partner, who is only secondary (and I hate that term, but I can't think of a better one right now) because she lives 3,000 miles away. If both partners lived here, in the same area code as me, we would figure things out. We are all "allowed" to see other people as we wish, and though we would definitely not be a threesome, both of these partners respect & care for each other. And both of them respect and honour the love I have for the "other" partner. We talk out our insecurities; I have plenty too; we make sure boundaries are clear and needs are always discussed. If I choose to, I can make a new friend who I kiss, or make love to a long-time friend who has been a lover for years. But at the same time, my primary partner is the one with whom I am building a life. And any partners outside of us must understand this -- while still trusting that I care deeply for them, within the bonds of our connection. There is a growing group of openly poly people who understand this attitude; who believe that the heart is not a limited resource, and that deep connections can be made on many levels. For me, all the connections I make are based in emotion, passion & caring. Not sex; though that is lovely too, of course!

Again, everything you're saying makes sense. I just think we're sort of missing each other, in the end. There truly are many people out there; I know quite a few besides myself and my partners; who are in long-term stable relationships, and are also polyamorous. By being polyamorous, like me, they don't seek to play and flirt and have one-night stands. (Though of course, that lifestyle is just fine & dandy for those who choose it.) They just don't want to limit themselves -- the most frequent sort of relationship I see such people having (outside of their primary partnerships) is a physical relationship with a close and dear friend. It's sort of a different way of looking at relationships entirely... The book "The Ethical Slut" deals with these issues quite well. It's an excellent book for *anyone* in a relationship to read, I think -- it speaks primarily of communication, respect, boundaries, devotion as opposed to commitment, etcetera. It shows the many ways in which one CAN be in a devoted primary partnership, and also explore other (short-term, long-term, or anything inbetween) connections.

I hope this makes my points more clear!

ps: In no way do I think that attachment always has to equal possession. Not at all. But I do think that mainstream culture sort of trains people to think this way; to think that commitment is the right choice, and that people 'belong' to their partners. Very often, perhaps in less intellectual company, people speak of their lovers as property. This thought underlies an absurd amount of people's relationship beliefs. But of course, that does not mean that ALL attachment is possesion! I am very, very attached to all of my partners, for example, but am still polyamorous. And I know, absolutely, that people can be monogamously attached, and not be possesive. I place no judgment on either choice. Nonetheless, possession/posessive behavior is present in many relationships across the board.

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All the things you said, Robin! Wow, what an incredible 24 year old you are. Intelligent, well spoken, respectful, loving....awesome. Oh, and a talented photographer!  I too am polyamorous(as I mentioned in other posts and on my profile) and was never happy for long trying to be monogamous. And serial monogamy never made sense to me either. Why should I have to leave someone I love, to be with someone I love? I am very blessed that both the womyn and the man I am with not only love me, but each other! It is something I prayed a long time for. I am also happy to report that they are both secure enough in my love for them, that other folks are not out of the question. I am mostly attracted to wimmin, but don't ever want to live without this man, either. I adore wimmin-only space and events, I love the scent and feel of a womyn....I'm so happy being Poly! Except for the "You're a pervert" part that I get from some folks. Oh, well......definitely their problem, not mine  So, yes, it can work, has worked, is working - for quite a lot of people. Faith

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Hi

I have been reading this posting as i have been registering.

I think what was just said about power is why most relationships fail.Someone always wants that power.

What ever happen to living in an under freedom...It is no wonder we are lossing freedoms in this country when the basic at it's core there is none...Our relationships.

I am Bi-sexual an I have been married for 30 years...before u start clapping or getting out of chairs...30 years of hell mostly... Very violent, Why? Because he would not share the power...It is coming to end now...

I have met a wonderful woman an we are both bi-sexuals ...She is fast becoming my new lifes partner...She is teaching me that power can be shared an should be shared...I find it odd that she is not from here yet shoing me about freedpm...I really did not know how to balance that.I do not think I am alone thinking that in this country.

This statement that power would be unbalanced is one made from a relationship where no power-share exist now and i am willing to bet never has...Only my opinion.

I also have made a new friend at another dating site online, where you share an write down fantasies etc...This lady is living proof that a marriage of three can work.....They all get along very well....Have been married for over ten years....I can upon request get that exact amount of time should it be required.The marriage consist of a lady bi-sexual , male, an one lesbain ...I do not know if the it works because of the sexual preferances involved but this one is working....They try at it, work hard at it, and noone feels left out...And that i think is key..Plus up front open honesty is rule the within my friends relationship....

Example everyones has a computer but no one has secrets. Eveeryone uses everyones computer, an see an reads everything that is there. Everyone benefits from this openness...

Well this was for me just what i have always wanted in my marriage, an in new relationship. My girl friend an myself are putting all this into place with our relationship...

Freedom my grandmother always said is never held to thightly. Anything thing you love if held thightly you will surely lose it...Allow it to grow to be free to come an go an like the bird fly free and it will return an grow with you. If held to thighly it will leave or die...I think this example i have found with my friend and her marriage an my grand mothers words show what all seem to fear ...Life can just flow and we can let go and allow things to flow...no controls no power needed over others...just freedom...I was not allowed that in my marriage and i can tell you it is so nice to be free to be me ...

I am presntly trying to be this way like my friend, i will tell her about this.And if willing she may write me something to post here or i will have her come here her self to post telling her own story in her own words...But she has made her relationship work...All are open to see an date others...all can ..but none do...Somehow the freedom to be able to wore off long ago an no-one does go out of the relationship...

What they have found I am desperately trying for myself.

Raven

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Hello all.

I don't consider myself a polyamorist as much as a "Bi-nogamous" person.

I have had a few successful live-in relationships where all three people (FFM) were in love. My goal is a three-way marriage built of soulmates. Currently I don't have a g/f though.

But I find that it works far easier when everyone is in love, everyone can talk, everyone is best friends/lovers/confidants. There isn't the same jealousy issues and the snuggle pile is wonderful. It's peaceful, and also amazing.

I admit though my non-live-in relationships haven't been as happy at times.. but I don't invite in someone that I don't think has the skills to make it work.

Just thought I might share my experiences.

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i just "broke up" with someone recently (not only was it "poly" it was also long-distance)

short story: she had a sub that lived with her, said it was only a D/s thing....then, over this summer the "relationship" between them changed and became more "intimate" (i.e. sexual) -- and there was a preg scare recently. (she id's as a lesbian/dyke)

there also has been kind of a back -n- forth "jealousy" and "one upman-ship" type of thing (not intentional on my part).

she's hurt because i decided to end this thing because it just ain't working...i feel like i get absolutely nothing from this relationship (xcept for sex every 3 months)...while he reaps the full benefit.

i told her that i needed more than just "scraps" for a relationship. she just can't understand why i'm hurt....i feel like she wasn't totally honest with me here....  dammit!

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well, i've been dating a man seriously for almost a year now. we're deeply dedicated and love each other a lot, but because of a job i've moved to the west coast (and he remains on the east coast until the beginning of next year). he knew that i'd had desires to be with a woman for a while and i'm trying it out. i've found an awesome lady who i love to hang out with and find incredibly hot  anyway, it's shown to be pretty difficult. my boyfriend supports me a lot, because h knows how badly i want to be with her... but it is important for him to be "part" of our relationship. it's hard because i'm not sure she feels the same way.

so, you can see, this is not easy at all. hah. but it seems to be pretty rewarding for me. moving out west alone was incredibly lonely and she's totally filled a lot of my emptiness here. i wouldn't give it up for anything. i just hope i can figure how to make it all work.

has anyone tried a threesome with their two lovers? successfully? i've found it very hard to ask them to do this as a favor to me? any tips??

btw, i just want to say that i love this forum. all of you are so insightful and lovely 

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I and my lover participate in the lifestyle and have discussed of possibly of in the future adding another woman into our relationship.

I would say that poly relationships can and do work. I think also though, that the primary relationship has to be very solid, open, loving, trusting and secure with-in itself first.

I think that all particiapants should discuss openly how everyone desires this to work and what boundaries will be expected and also what freedoms will be alright. And then those area's once defined need to be respected. The communication needs to be open between all 3 individuals and no secrets between any two.

Where I do have doubt's that poly will work is when one person of a couple goes outside the relationship, then in my opinion it is not a poly relationship because one individual remains monogamous to one.

Also in my very humble opinon, I don't find the "friends with benefits"(geeze I hate that term and I would never want to be considered as such!) workout, someone usually falls in love and the cooperation of the people outside, as opposed to the one in the middle reaping all the "benefits" one or the other will begin feeling the odd one out and eventually get out  .

Just some of my thoughts....

~Sterling

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I'm currently involved in several poly relationships. My other partners all have primary partners who they were with when I met them. I love them all. They are wonderful women. I get along with their partners and we all get together periodically for brunch, my partners and theirs.

I think the only thing that prevent a poly relationship from working is communication or rather, lack of it. My partners and I all communicate well. I know their partners and periodically get together with each of them to make sure there is nothing between us that needs to be worked out.

Currently I think I've hit the limit of secondary relationships, meaning that I don't want my life so full of secondary partners that there isn't room for a primary relationship. So I'm seeking a primary right now. My other partners are incredibly supportive in this because they know that when I am home alone several nights of the week, I miss having a parter who shares my life and my home and helps me weed the garden or shares holidays. Yes, I could do these things with secondarys, and sometimes do, but it isn't the same as having one who is a primary focus whom you share major decisions with.

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This has been a big issue for me lately...

I am primarily attracted to women, if a girl is hot, I'm going to notice her. But with guys...I don't even realize they exist as anything beyond a friend unless their personality is attractive and I connect with them on a very deep level. I fall in love for who they are, their gender is doesn't factor into the emotional aspect. There have been maybe two guys in my life I've felt that way about, and hooked up with, though I've never slept with a man.

My problem now is that there is a guy in my life now who I am starting to have feelings for, but....I don't know if I could ever be satisfied in a monogamous relationship with a man. Even if I loved him incredibly, 80% of what defines me emotionally and sexually would just be missing from my life.

If something were to happen with him, I'm sure it would great, but I would feel pretty awful telling him that a monogamous relationship would be impossible. I wish that I could be happy in a monogamous relationship with a man, but i can't see it. And I don't know if I am cut out for polygamy.

I suppose I just have to try it to find out if it can work.

It is nice to hear other women sharing the same concerns, and discussing polygamy in general. Several of my friends are dealing with this issue as well. Love is a crazy thing.

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I'm 56 and when younger and trying to be a heterosexual to please everyone else but me, I dated a lot of men and never settled down with just one for very long (a couple of months), then I had an 18 month relationship with a married man and a woman friend that helped me be the lesbian I am. For many years now, I've been a serial monogamist with women partners. I have decided for the rest of my years to have open relationships, no live ins, just sleepovers like the teen years. All too often, the uhaul on the second date is a reality. One woman I dated on the off time of an on again off again relationship told me in uncertain terms that she didn't share after our third date. After our fourth date, I ended it because she wanted to be exclusive way too soon and I realized that this wasn't going to work for me.

I just spoke with a friend this morning about this very subject and I told her that I might not have anyone because of what I want, but that's fine with me too.

I only want to be involved with women who sleep with other women exclusively.

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