Guest EmberPhase

Flirting?

67 posts in this topic

I don't often go to lesbian bars, but when I do, I find that both the butches and the femmes seem to have an interest in me. My problem is that I haven't yet figured out which I am most attracted to. So, usually I just do not do anything at all to "encourage" flirting.

Share this post


Link to post
Join Amazon Third Party Video Subscriptions Free Trial

Well, you'll never find out who you're attracted to if you don't flirt and experiment.

I do wish my gaydar was better.....! It's terrible because I'm attracted to very pretty women, but it's the pretty women that make me stutter and blush!

Share this post


Link to post

Flirting is a tricky thing. I usually consider myself shy around new women but there are certain women that I meet that make it very easy to flirt with. It usually starts with a smile and longer than usual eye contact. In my case we usually move closer to each other whether we actually have a conversation or not. My problem is if I try to call them on their flirting (some of them) they try to deny that they are flirting or are attracted to me. So I usually let it go at that point, I figure their loss. But that doesn't mean that the rejection doesn't hurt. I'm the one that usually gets hurt the most, just because they were too chicken to admit their feelings. Unfortunately, this is why it now takes a lot longer for me to open up and trust other women that I just meet, because I am tired of them betraying not just me, but themselves their feelings. I wish they could just be honest about it. I mean it would be nice if they said they are attracted but they are afraid or they don't know what to do or something instead of telling me verbally that they aren't interested when clearly their body language is telling me something TOTALLY different.

Just thought I would add that for all of you that have had similar experiences with these type of women.

:wink:

Share this post


Link to post

Hey is there anyone who might be able to help me out? I just recently decided to come out in the open and I don't know one thing of what to do! I don't know what to say without running them off or telling them about me and then they still run away. I just don't know what I am doing! If you think you might be able to give me a few pointers please let me know. I will take all of the advice I can get right now to help me out. :?

Share this post


Link to post

(edited)

Being born in the southern states the words 'Honey' 'Darling' 'Sweetie' come easily to me. Flirtatous behavior seems to be inbred in the southern breed. Yet when it comes to honestly flirting with another woman that I find extemely attractive i get tongue tied, shy, or so uncertain that I give off the image of not being interested. Most say that is i'm more straight then lesbian... not true. I have been with 3 men in my life time, yet I have had dozen with women. The thing is I find myself wondering if I am 'attractive' enough or something of that manner. I was married for yrs to a man who always pointed out my most unattractive aspects. I am married to a wonderful man now who tells me daily how beautiful man. Who is always telling me to get out there and be myself.

Edited by JenHammack

Share this post


Link to post

@DolphinSmile, thank you for your post, which I think shows good openness. Yes I have had experiences with these type of women. However, I would never think of calling them on their flirting, because that just put people on the spot, and then it just ceases to be fun.

I would prob just say thank you and flirt back. I think a woman will tell if they have feelings, when they feel safe.Trust is earned, and usually it can't happen in the first five minutes.

When/if I have an opportunity, I would go ahead and tell someone my feelings first, and not wait for them. This would help to make her feel safe to share. It's a risk, yes, but sometimes risks can be healthy and give us more confidence for the next time, when it might matter more.

Here's what I learned: there are thousands of guys out there who also have trouble being shy, flirting and getting a date. It's apparently one of the hardest things in the world to master (who knew?)

So, I've been reading material written for guys, which gives me advice, tips, ways to approach, building confidence, and finding out more about what women really respond to. It's not about porn, just people in regular situations.

I sometimes used to say to myself: "Guys have it made, don't they?" But now I realize, it isn't any easier for them.

PS I tried eyeing a cute woman in the grocery last week, and she noticed. When I saw her again leaving the produce section, she looked back at me, and smiled. No, I didn't chase her into the dairy case. I just let it go, and enjoyed it for what it was.

Share this post


Link to post

I totally suck at the approach, but once it has begun its easier to just start talking to the girl like you are just a friendly person, ask them some open ended questions, and respond to their answers with relatable facts about your self. I have only tried to flirt once but hey man, it worked. But what you will realize that it is much easier to get on with someone if you aren't focusing on being sexy or trying to flirt. Cliche it is.. but just be yourself it will go a lot easier because you will be flowing naturally. I have a funny story to back this up.

I was at my first attempt at a night out trying to see if I could pick up a lady, I had started coming out but had NO Clue (still don't really) as to what to do or how to go about it. I was with a female friend and her boyfriend. He saw how nervous I was and asked me what I was looking for, I gave a very vague description and he just vanished. 5 minutes later he comes up to me with a beautiful girl and says this is "so and so" and I was so shocked and confused I actually thought it was someone he knew and happened to run into. The girl seemed very friendly but I totally froze and we made stupid small talk and then she left and I was alone with my friends boyfriend. Apparently, HE had gone up to every girl on the dance floor and asked them if they were a lesbian and when he found her asked if she thought I was hot and then brought her over. WE were NOT at a gay bar. Anyways, I was mortified and scolded him for being so invasive towards the other womyn he got the hint and we all went out side to get some air. Then a fight broke out with the bouncer and some guy and as we watched along came the girl he had found earlier over to say bye to me. I told her how sorry I was for what he did had no idea and it had caught me off guard. Then we got to talking, flirting, hand holding and eventually an exchange of digits.

Moral of the story, is if you try to hard you'll psych yourself out, if you just let it flow naturally it will allllll turn out well. Also...don't let your male friends think they can be your wingman ;)

Share this post


Link to post

I'm terrible at flirting. And I'm painfully shy. I am generally okay with giving a sincere compliment...But I have no gaydar, and I can't tell if anyone is interested in me or not.../sigh

Share this post


Link to post

(edited)

Its always been so hard for me to know what falls into the category of "flirting" unless they say it outright or if they'd wave banners with bold letters right in front of my face. It's so much easier with guys. Plus, I've only admitted to myself recently that I am mostly into girls, so my gaydar isn't working at all. Yet. Heh.

I like this girl in one of my class in college. I've never felt this way before so.. It terrifies me. But not in a bad way. She plagues my every thought. The very first day that I saw her was a huge confirmation of my suspicions about myself. It took me weeks before I gathered enough courage to say hi to her, so when I did, I asked her if she wanted to go out to lunch with me and it was.. Amazing. Turns out that, not only that she was really gorgeous, but shes also beautiful inside and out. The more time I spend with her, the more I want her. The problem is, I could never know if she likes me back.. Since I really suck at flirting. I know that they say that the key to being successful is to not think that you're flirting at all, but whenever I'm with her or someone I like, I tend to make a complete fool of myself- everything suddenly slips out of place, then there's chaos and disaster. I'm worried that I might scare her away or freak her out if I do anything about it. We've been having lunch together ever since. Everytime we make eye contact, I'd feel this spark.. and then everything else fades. (Like in one of those cheesy films. Haha. But its true!) One day, when we were randomly walking, she told me that she is mostly into girls. She seemed so intent on my reply.. But my mind blanked. And my stomach decided to stoke the circus flames. So, again, I looked like an idiot. I said some random joke to "escape" the pressure -which was very stupid- even though I wanted to delve more into the conversation we were having. So instead of that, I went to excuse myself to the ladies room. For so long, I have dreamt of her saying those lines.. and I never would have imagined she really would. The following days with her was more silent than usual. Maybe even a bit awkward. I just wanted not to freak her out or something but it seems like I am the one freaking out. One of the major reasons of why I had enough guts to talk and be with her is that I "thought" she was unobtainable.. However much I want to be with her, in more than friendly ways.

I mean, even if it would crush my chest into a couple thousands of pieces if she lets me know doesn't feel the same way, It's alright, I would still want to be friends with her. Right now, we do not talk much anymore ever since that "incident", whenever we would, it would be too brief. Like.. She's avoiding me. Or that, I finally scared her away by trying so hard not to..

We'll be having our vacation soon.. So I might not be able to see her again. So.. I guess I just need some advice or tips on how to approach and confront her about what I feel without causing anymore damages or something.

Sorry guys, I'm very new to this. And to this site.

-Nicole

Edited by Elocinaire

Share this post


Link to post

Also.. I haven't told her that I'm very much into girls as well, if you missed that, so I'm also thinking of saying that part too -subtly. .. Any advice would be very much appreciated. Thanks. :)

Share this post


Link to post

I do not have the foggiest clue who is and isn't gay/lesbiam. The entire make-up has changed. I am clueless on beingflirted with and do not want to take action then end up offending someone. I live in an area where the bar is the scene and don't like that. I wish there were more boostores, coffeeshops, etc. aound, all the states. In that wat I would at least have a chance in believing I am or she is flirting with a lesbian.

S/Chris

Share this post


Link to post

I feel for all you shy folks. I'm pretty outgoing but, have had those moments of self-doubt that have inhibited my actions. I'm in an area of the country where dances are on the way back. They call em Hot Flash Dances for us older Disco era lesbians but, the younger lesbians usually show up around 11:00 PM-midnight. This environment is ideal for flirting and I love to flirt. The approach and eye contact with a smile, ask her if she'd like to dance. Copy her speech pattern and dance moves. If she says," I see" she's a visual person and you want to use visual language cues back to her. If she says,"I hear you", she's auditory. Ask her the usual questions you would ask when you are getting to know someone. If you are interested in her, move into her personal space a little bit and make physical contact with an arm touch. Allow your eyes to laugh when she tickles your funny bone. Offer to buy her a drink. Most of all enjoy yourself. If you both have had fun someone may be sharing a phone number by the end of the evening.

It's all about practicing your active listening skills and letting her know you find her intriguing.

If the venue is unclear, practice giving women compliments. If you see a woman with beautiful eyes tell her, if you like her tats ask her about them. It's about making a connection. Maybe you'll go have coffee and chat and simply found a friend. Or.......

Someone might be flirting with you if she makes and maintains eye contact with you, if she uses your sensory language back at you, if she moves into your personal space a bit while you are talking, if she makes physical contact ..... do a little flirting back and then ask her out for coffee.

2 people like this

Share this post


Link to post

I'm going out to my first gay night out at our student union in a week and am quite nervous. Kind of feel a bit of pressure to get talking to girls because I'm quite excited about being fairly newly out. In the past I flirt easily with guys, but guys are just easy!!

Don't really know what to avoid with girls, because I know it doesn't bode well to be too full on :/

Share this post


Link to post

ok just read your tips shalee, all sounds like pretty sound advice to me! Going to put it into action at my next night out :)

Share this post


Link to post

(edited)

Shalee's got it: Always watch and listen, be aware of body language and conversation points.

Flirting isn't hard, but it must be an activity filled with sincerity and respect.

If I see a girl that is cute or funny or smart, and I like her I usually smile extra wide, or try to make her laugh in return. My friends say I'm incorrigible, because even though theres a huge risk I could make a fool of myself I don't ever pass up an opertunity to tell a woman how lovely she is, or even wink at them. I look at it this way: Even If I will probaly never see her again, I want her to know that today right now she made me happy just being who she was and I think she's beautiful.

I'm not shy, and the best thing I can say to those that are is to think about making a move (of any kind) more as a gesture than a risk.

Even if you get nowhere you have done something brave and gotten that much better at communication.

If everybody was just a little bolder it would probably be much easier to tell if you are of interest to another, but people are frequently too afraid to go out on a limb even a tiny bit and things go un said or asked. There's always a chance that she's thinking the exact same thing and is also too shy to say it.

Edited by Tori_bird

Share this post


Link to post

I'm new to the whole flirting thing, have been with women with my boyfriend but i was buzzed or drunk and so it was really fun and i have been with a girl sober (i do not drink often) im a light weight. both are very fun and im wanting to advance my relationship, so how do i do so?

 

Share this post


Link to post

I'm on the the total opposite end of the spectrum. I'm not shy at all really. This comes mostly from the fact that I will talk to anyone so I have a lot of practice. I recommend to try that way. Try sparking up a conversation, not with someone you're trying to hit on. The fear of personal rejection is not nearly as great. If they don't wanna talk you can just move on. No sweat off your back. Good things can come from this. One: You could meet someone really interesting as a new friend, and Two: It gives you practice on your approach to meeting new people. Gradually do this with people you find you are more attracted to. That way when the person you are super attracted to comes along you're a less shy and you've got plenty to talk about, because of all the information you've been receiving talking to so many different people. That's not to say that a pretty girl doesn't make me fumble a bit, but it's a lot easier.

Want to know who I think it's hard talking to... shy people. They seem so fragile, and i feel overly aggressive even when I know I'm not being so. If I feel like I have to hold the conversation, I either feel like you don't have much to talk about, or you're just not interested. It is hard figuring out who to approach. Especially because I like really femme girls. Not high heels all the time, (but I do like those :unworthy: ) The distinction on this level is super fine line. Example:

I met this girl at the bar the other night. Super cute. Super femme. She started talking to me in the bathroom line. I could tell she was a little shy. We spoke briefly. When I came out, I told her it was nice meeting her and went on my way.

She passed me later and I called her name. She came over with her friend. We had some drinks. Which indeed made her drop the shyness. Then she was super flirty ( I'm not advocating getting drunk here as this could go horribly wrong, just unfolding the story.) She asked for my number, I obliged. We talked some more, we danced a bit. She kissed my cheek. I about melted. Super giddy1 :thumbsup: . She went to leave with her friend. Turned around and planted one on the kisser. and they left. I texted her almost immediately. Said it was nice meeting her, hopefully I'd see her again. She replied most definitely. Couple of days later I called. Must admit I was a little phone shy. Got her voicemail. Left a message saying I was going to a show tomorrow and if she'd like to join. haven't heard anything back. (It's only been a couple of hours.) Now here's what I'm hoping. She didn't get a bit of the beer goggles and is now regretting the decision to give me her number, and that she doesn't let her shyness take back over and gives me a call. Only time will tell, but it was at least a good night. One that had she remained shy, wouldn't have happened. Moral of the story. If you don't put yourself out there a bit no one will see you.

Share this post


Link to post

Please sign in to comment

You will be able to leave a comment after signing in



Sign In Now