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Personality or Looks?

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I'm pretty new to this myself and it's something that's also completely confused me. In my last relationship I took on more of the submissive role in most things and everyone considered my personality femme so I got labeled a lipstick lesbian (noticed that I got labeled and not that I labeled myself.) My ex looked femme, adored make up, but dressed in a more butch way and always associated herself as the guy in both her group of friends and in our relationship. Then again when i'm not with someone I usually take on a really dominant role and some people have called me butch for the role I take with my friends. It's so confusing! I feel like you womyn are extremely versatile in their personalities and it's impossible to just push us into one label. It kinda makes me think of those panties that have a different word personality for each day. We're ever changing.

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I love that we are talking about this; when I first started searching for love prospects on AOL years ago, I was always asked: Are you butch or femme?

It really turned me off, I guess because I didn't have a definite answer, and I wanted to say: How about getting to know me a little before asking such a personal question? OK I'm just myself. That's what I usually tell people. I don't know. Today I may have to change out my broken trash disposer (a butch thing to do?) and tomw I may be seeing a woman I like, who appreciates my eye shadow (femme)

I am in the same boat as you, BauboBBW. I enjoyed your various descriptions. I can relate entirely.

When I was younger, I probably exhibited more femme qualities, but now that I'm older and more independent, and strong, I feel more at home in men's clothes and men's shoes. But I still wear my hair long, and I know how to turn on the fem charm, if I have to be a little assertive, then I don't worry ....does this appear butch to other people? Frankly my dear, I don't give a damn!

I know I like feminine women. I do know some whose personalities are very strong. Does that make them butch? No. I think it's more about how you're perceived. To be a whole person, we just need to embrace all that we are, and nothing is set in stone. Cut your hair if you want to. So what?

No one has ever called me a butch or dyke to my face. Does this mean people think I'm femme? Maybe, until open my mouth and start talking like I know what I'm talking about. Or until they see me walking.

Anyway, thank you for being honest, everyone. This really helps me. I just want to be comfortable in my own skin, and not try to fit into someone's cookie cutter description, just to have a girlfriend. Anyway, it's all good, and being one or the other, or both at the same time, is all a gift, that we give to each other.

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After giving this much thought, I have decided to keep my jeans, sneakers, oversize tops, sexy dresses, makeup, kick-ass attitude, big-ass car and let peiople spend their time trying to figure me out !

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I think it's more a label for appearance reference. But then again you could 'appear' butch but not have a masculine personality, then things get confusing after that... hahaha . basically what everyone else has already said...i'm just trying post something. lol.

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On May 10, 2004 at 3:35 PM, EmberPhase said:

Oh Dandy dear! We MUST talk! hehehe 

 

you sound like fun! 

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(edited)

my my ,, i got a feminine body and a masculine heart....

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Edited by cnthink_straight22

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I guess im like a tomboy but femme. But I have no idea what to consider myself as, except just me.

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hmm apparently I'm femme but I can be butch but to me it doesn't really matter

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On June 20, 2012 at 6:06 AM, cnthink_straight22 said:
my my ,, i got a feminine body and a masculine heart....

you play guitar...that's awesome I play too 

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Labels..... who needs them? Everyone one is different or so I've been told and so why categorise ourselves into such generalistic labels??

Sadly the phrase "Just Me" sounds a little dull but in essence it is the truth.

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I think who you are and what you are attracted to is innate in everyone of us. Embrace that, why over analyze it?

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I don't like the descriptive titles "butche" or "femme"...in my opinion, labeling simply categorizes your identity and limits your capabilities...because you've been given a label, you're now forced or obligated or expected to play a certain role...butche women are presumed to be masculine, aggressive, and by all means, "wear the pants" in the relationship and carry out all the duties that an average man would...on the other hand, feminine (femme) women are presumed to be passive, dainty, and by all means "ladylike"...and carry out the duties of the average woman...personality and looks are one in the same because your "inward" persona ultimately impacts your "outward" appearance...subsequently, you look exactly how you act or feel....

post-40008-0-72575700-1357398956_thumb.j

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I really do not think we should label ourselves, when we do that, we strict ourselves to what each of those labels stand for, thereby restricting our personality

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Labels to me are like clothes. Throughout our life people will try to dictate what we wear, in this context wear refers to labels. 

I try not to let others define me but I am constantly redefining myself and that is OK.  If I have to choose I guess I would be more femme than butch or stud.

 Mainly because of my love for all things girly. But I have moments when I shift to my male ego and am androgynous in those instances. 

Would that then make me a soft butch or stem?  Or do the labels even apply to those that are not 100% lesbians? 

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I used to think that women were more interested in personality over looks but after experiencing the dating game again I am feeling like even lesbian women are just as bad as men when it comes to being shallow these days. For instance, I do not like labels but I understand they get thrown around. If I had to label myself I'd consider myself androgynous. People might stereotype me and label me as a butch woman but I do not feel like my personality is that of a butch woman. I find myself to be feminine in a lot of ways and the only things about me physically that I guess stereotypes me is my shorter hair and the clothes that I wear tend to not be very "femme."

I did an experiment where I was on a dating site recently and I made two profiles, one with my real pics and one with a more feminine but common woman. The profiles were both extremely similar without being identical and it was all my personality thrown into both. I got more responses from women as the fake woman than I did as myself. It was a slap in the face to my self-esteem that is for sure! That is why I only ended up keeping the fake profile up for about 3 days before I took it down and I didn't reply to anyone because I don't believe in catfishing and lying/hurting people. 

I happen to consider myself a very awesome person inside and out, it doesn't really matter to me that so many people miss out on an opportunity to get to know me because they are shallow and cannot look past someone not being some dream type for them. I just hate when people limit themselves because they just cannot find a girl with short hair attractive, it's really quite sad in my opinion. I just consider it their loss not mine. 

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I can relate to this completely. I'm  considered androgynous because I shave my head and wear men's clothing but people often describe my personality as bubbly and feminine. I think people reject me right away when they see a picture of me but most people seem interested in me and become engaged in conversation when they meet me in person. But maybe I'm deluding myself and perhaps people only seem interested and engaged because they don't want to be rude. Humans are so difficult to decipher sometimes! 

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I'm a walking stereotype, butch to the point of being called "sir" on a fairly regular basis. Though as to that, if you're really paying attention you'll know better because while I'm not well endowed, I'm not exactly flat chested either. If you look at me and don't know I'm a lesbian, it's because you don't want to know (or maybe I only think I'm obvious because I'm not trying to hide it?). If my hair were any shorter, I would be bald. My clothes were all purchased in the men's department - right down to my boxer briefs (the sports bras being the exception). I have an aggressive gait which is in part just who I am and at least partially due to my footwear (most often tactical boots or hiking boots). I drive a muscle car and once upon a time a Harley Davidson. I built some of the shelves in my house, the bench on my Mom's porch, and the deck on my Uncle's house. I replaced the plumbing in my downstairs bathroom myself, as well as the electrical wiring in my Grandma's house after the flood of 2008 destroyed the interior. I am tattooed on both legs, both arms (the right being an entire sleeve), the upper chest, the back of my neck, and my back from the right shoulder blade to just above the left hip. I know that I'm considered butch, but to me I'm just me.  I'm perfectly content to be a woman, but I happen to be naturally masculine. It's not something I strive for or even think about. If you put me in a dress and make-up it would feel like a costume to me and I suspect it would look like one too. All of this is me, but none of it tells you who I am. You can dismiss me based on my appearance or the things that I do, but if you do you'll never know my best parts. I will defend the people that I love with an intense ferocity and then cry at one of those stupid ASPCA commercials. I'll sit around watching football all day, only to retire to my bed with a good romance novel. So, label me any way you wish. Just don't get too wrapped up in it - you never know what you might be missing.

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I'll speak here, too. While no-one ever mistakes me for a MAN, I am often taken for a BOY. As I do wear oversized t-shirts, cargos, a baseball cap and don't look my age, this is understandable. I actually had a store clerk ask me why I wasn't in CLASS several years back! (She was under the impression apparently that I belonged in high school!) I shop from both sides of the aisle. though wearing anything that was feminine would definitely feel like I was in drag. I don't ID as butch or femme, eschewing the gender binary altogether for neutrois, though should I be forced to choose, I would go transmasculine. I hear people say that they are not comfortable with labels. I understand that but feel that concepts that underlie labels can point to a deep understanding of who we choose to be. They are much more than casual terms. They have a history and a story to tell. I'm assertive, logical, independent, but also soft-spoken (unless provoked), generally polite, and utterly hopeless at anything mechanical. I'm quite an accomplished cook and keep a tidy abode. I read incessantly and voraciously, all genres excepting romance. You'll seldom find me without a book. I carry one everywhere. My father joked that I was born with my nose in a book, lol. 

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I personally prefer to defy labels. I have my own certain swag, my style is neither "butch" nor "femme"...it's hard to classify. I'm attracted more to the "femme" type and am a major proponent of chivalry. I am the perfect gentlewoman. So maybe I behave more "butch"...

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