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flirting and getting over previous relationships

I like this girl who told me she likes me too, however she can't get over her last GF. Is there still hope for me? We are becoming really good friends if nothing else, but I can't shake it, I am crushed.

:(

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As loser as it sounds, I have taken up to four years between relationships before; others not as long. I am sorry to say that only time heals all wounds and each instance is different. You'll just have to be willing to wait it out or move on to someone who is ready.

(Or so says me)

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First of all Ember let me just say, you dont look Old enough to have let 4 yrs pass in between relationships lol.

Having no experience( yet) in this area I am hesitant to offer any advice other than to say try not to get too frusrated if you find yourself stuck in friendship mode- it sounds like you could be there a while and could even be permanent.

Tonight I had a rather strange occurrance - I have never been instant messenged before by someone I didnt know already... course I do realize thats sort of the idea for this site lol

but tonight I was Imed by the other side of the world lol

alledged from a woman in Bankok-

She added me to her buddy list and out of curiousity I accepted...curiosity killed the cat - hope it doesnt kill me instead lol.

Anyway according to her- a friend of hers was helping her look for a woman....and was susposed to be for a local woman in Bankok ...so I am not sure how and or why but she got my SN from a site- more than likely this site lol because I only frequent and belong to 2 sites and the other one is just a forum and does not make this info avaible.

It was a pleasant chat but found myself not wanting to give this person any personal info like location or work info ...I just gave very genereal non specific answers when I could.

However I am curious is this something that often happens? Has it happened to anyone else?

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Maybe you're just one of the lucky ones. I hear those Bankok women are pretty hot.

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yeah Cymba, their hot alright . ..overheated from a lack of AC and over crowding lol.

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Aww, that made me sad. Maybe we can start a charity that donates Wet- Naps to Bankokian(?) women.

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First of all Ember let me just say, you dont look Old enough to have let 4 yrs pass in between relationships lol.

Having no experience( yet) in this area I am hesitant to offer any advice other than to say try not to get too frusrated if you find yourself stuck in friendship mode- it sounds like you could be there a while and could even be permanent.

Tonight I had a rather strange occurrance - I have never been instant messenged before by someone I didnt know already... course I do realize thats sort of the idea for this site lol

but tonight I was Imed by the other side of the world lol

alledged from a woman in Bankok-

She added me to her buddy list and out of curiousity I accepted...curiosity killed the cat - hope it doesnt kill me instead lol.

Anyway according to her- a friend of hers was helping her look for a woman....and was susposed to be for a local woman in Bankok ...so I am not sure how and or why but she got my SN from a site- more than likely this site lol because I only frequent and belong to 2 sites and the other one is just a forum and does not make this info avaible.

It was a pleasant chat but found myself not wanting to give this person any personal info like location or work info ...I just gave very genereal non specific answers when I could.

However I am curious is this something that often happens? Has it happened to anyone else?

I have had someone IMed from here. I ,too, gave non-specific answers, but with me I generally do that with everyone. I actually told her not to be offended, I treat the men online the same way (male or female IM, doesn't matter they are both IMs). I was taken aback by her asking if I was Bi or gay first out of the gate. I told her, as I generally feel, that is a question between friends. We didn't know one another well enough to be taking the convo in that direction after 5 mins. I just tend to stay away from those types of subjects until I know the person more because you never know who is sitting on the other side of the screen, getting their jollies from your typed words.

PS. thanks for the youth statement, it makes me feel good. :)

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I like this girl who told me she likes me too, however she can't get over her last GF. Is there still hope for me?

:(

What you have to do is make her forget her ex girlfriend if you really want to be with this chick. Spend time with her and charm her, take all the things about her last girlfreind she had that she didnt like and do the opposite. Basically you have to refocus her on you and stay in the picture, find the most opportune moment in the right setting/atmoshere and knock her socks off with a slow passionate kiss out of the blue. But make sure that you dont falter or become selfconcious if you do that, remain in control and composed if you feel her hesitating but wanting to yeild to you... she'll take comfort in your self confidence if she really does like you.

If she becomes really reactive and melodramatic in a negative way, then take comfort in knowing that its probably for the best becuse that means that she is really not ready to give her heart to someone new, and that wouldnt be fair to you.

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Yes that's genious! Thanks. I have noticed a bit of tension between us...with my other lesbian friends we are totally relaxed and not afraid to casually be touchy feely as friends, but with this girl I like it's totally not comfortable it's awkward and cold yet we can talk for hours together...what about that?

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A few weeks ago, i accepted an IM from a woman on a different site and it turned out to be the greatest thing I ever did. We have met in person once already and will be going out again very soon. We talk all the time and she is not boring. So keep your hopes up...not everyone is boring. Sometimes you just have to take a chance. I was a bit nervous at first though.

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I'm sure we've all been here a time or two in our lives, but I don't know who else to relay this too. I have this huge crush on one of my co-workers, I'm talking HUGE. Kim and I are close, we laugh, joke, tell each other the most crazy things about our lives. I've always found her attractive from day one. I don't know if she's straight or bi (my gaydar is off on this one) but I do know that she's a wonderful person. So ladies what should I do :roll:

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I just went through something similar, Lise.

There was this woman where I worked (I've since been laid off), who is everything I have wanted in a woman. My gaydar did not function around her at all!! She flirted with me a bit (even others said she was flirting). I sent her an orange rose with a poem. I did not sign my name, but was planning on asking her out a few days later. Turns out she thought she had a stalker. She told me she doesn't have any problems with the way that I am, but she doesn't play on that team. She is just a flirty person (gotta watch out for them; they trick you). Sigh.

I'm not saying that your situation will be the same, just sharing my story. I haven't really figured out how to find out if a woman is gay or not without asking her (not always a good thing to do).

Maybe after you get to know her better, you can become friends. At some point, you will probably find out. If you become good enough friends, you probably could ask her then. Maybe she'll just kiss you one day and all this will be academic (let's hope so).

I wish I could help you more. Let us know how it all ends up.

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Thanks for the advice. One of my friends suggested I wear a low cut blouse and do The Reach--something I'm told every woman in this world knows about. Kim and I flirt back and forth, but I still can't tell if she's one of the girls but the weirdest/funniest thing happened on Thursday day. I was standing in a group with three other female co-workers and Kim walked by a slyly grabed my ass. I didn't make a scene or draw attention to the others but I looked over my shoulder and she winked at me. Okay, so now I don't know what to think :roll:

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Wow, Lise - I would take that as a Yes :wink: I certainly don't grab anyones ass that I'm not interested in! :lol: Good luck :D Faith

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Lise44

I can totally understand why you would think she was flirting! Nothing is more encouraging than physical contact, especially something so blatently sexual.

However, i had a similar thing happen to me with a girl I think is georgeous. She was in one of my classes and we were beginning to become friends and she blurted out "you look so hot today" to me while the entire class was sitting there (but the teacher wasn't there yet luckily!) I initially took this to mean that she was interested in me, but actually she was just joking around in a supremely confident, sexual way that straight girls sometimes do.

I think that some "straight" girls are interested in being with women, but when it comes down to it, they just aren't ready to cross that social boundry. So even if the attraction is mutual between you and your coworker, it is safer to become good friends first. In my experience, women feel comfortable exploring their sexuality more with a friend than someone who makes it clear from the get-go that there is a sexual interest.

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:?:?

Hi Lise, I'm confused because I must be the only woman out there that doesn't know what "the Reach" is. Please explain what this technique or move is.

By the way I too have had similar situations that you are in, where I've become friends with a woman I am attracted too and she appears to be attracted to me (at least she flirts a lot with me - I think of that as a sign of attraction, personally) but as my feelings develop I have to say something. So I have either told her that I am a lesbian or that I am attracted to her. Several things have happened: they have either run away for a short time to think it through, they have responded back by telling me they are also attracted but are not ready for a relationship with ?me? or they just come out and say they are "not like that", but no matter what happens they always come back and continue to flirt with me. It hurts me that I can't be with them the way I would like. Most, if not all, of these women were considered Bi. So beware of the "bi" girls they will break your heart and continue to play with it like nothing ever happened.

I'm not saying this will happen to you, because it sounds like this woman does like you enough to touch your ass, unless she does it to everyone, then you might have a problem.

Also I guess it depends on how much you value the friendship and if it ended because she "isn't like that" would you be crushed or could you live with being friends and not having her? It is a very fine line, but either way you will get hurt if it doesn't turn out the way you want. So you're damned if you do and damned if you don't. So I say just go for it, at the least you will have the memory of all the good times that have already happened. She can't take that away from you.

Please explain the "reach" thing though, when you get a chance.

Thanks.

:wink:

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:?:? So beware of the "bi" girls they will break your heart and continue to play with it like nothing ever happened.

Hey, not all of us bi girls are like that. It's really not fair for you to generalize about a whole group of people because of your experiences with a few jerks.

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i had a relationship with a girl this past year and she wanted to call herself "bi" because she didn't want people thinking she was gay.it is more acceptable to be bi.she flirted with me and told me she liked me before i told her i liked her.i got my heart broken in the end.but,i am trying again now.it is hard to try and flirt.i don't go out that much,and i am too shy.i have tried a little and it has not worked yet.there are people i want to try and flirt with,but don't know what to say.

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:oops:

I'm sorry if what I said bothered you, Celeste, but you must admit that it is a bit convenient for women that consider themselves "bi" to just flip flop on either side of the fence when they feel like it. And because they know they can do this it is easy for them to. So if a relationship doesn't work out with a woman they can always go back to the "safe" ("normal") world. And unfortunately it is not just a few that are like that, otherwise I wouldn't make such a generalization. I have not met every "bi" girl in the world, this is true, but I have talked to a lot of women that have also been around "bi" girls and the census comes out very much the same.

So I do apologize if you are the exception to the rule. Don't take it the wrong way, I'm just giving my honest viewpoint based on my own personal experiences and data collected from friends and acquaintances.

:D:wink:

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:oops:

I'm sorry if what I said bothered you, Celeste, but you must admit that it is a bit convenient for women that consider themselves "bi" to just flip flop on either side of the fence when they feel like it. And because they know they can do this it is easy for them to. So if a relationship doesn't work out with a woman they can always go back to the "safe" ("normal") world. And unfortunately it is not just a few that are like that, otherwise I wouldn't make such a generalization. I have not met every "bi" girl in the world, this is true, but I have talked to a lot of women that have also been around "bi" girls and the census comes out very much the same.

So I do apologize if you are the exception to the rule. Don't take it the wrong way, I'm just giving my honest viewpoint based on my own personal experiences and data collected from friends and acquaintances.

:D:wink:

Yes what you've said does bother me for a number of reasons. First, as a bisexual individual myself, I do not have to buy into your argument that it is convenient for us to be bisexual. Not only do I face discrimination from heterosexual society and homophobes who DO NOT take it easier on me because I'm "only" bi, but I face discrimination from monosexuals in the gay community such as yourself who think that just because I'm bisexual means I have it easy.

Before you generalize a group of people based on some bad experiences you've had, I challenge you to take a look at WHY so many of us remain closeted. I hope that you and many others who will read this understand that many bisexual womyn do not see having a relationship with a man as retreating into the "normal" world. Our sexuality is just more complex than yours. I hope that you and others who read this will look at this article. It explains a lot of what I want to say but much more articulately: http://www.shybi.com/articles/busting-bi-myths-a221.html

I know a lot of people won't read it because of it's length, so here are a few highlights:

"You can't understand bisexuality unless you can give up the comfortable dichotomies of gay or straight, male or female. Bisexuals are often accused of "batting for both teams." If heterosexuals and gays/lesbians are opposing baseball teams, then bisexuals are off flying kites in left field. We are playing a completely different game."

"It is on this most personal level, of relationships, sex and love, that I think bisexuals suffer the most. Many bisexuals get caught in the heart-wrenching situation of coming out in the middle of a long-term relationship, and having a partner who flips out. In the movies, it's always told from the poor partner's perspective, but we don't get to hear what it's like for the bisexual. We are sometimes strangers in our own homes. It's hard for bisexuals to find partners given the rampant biphobia among heterosexuals and gays and lesbians. If I had a nickel for every person, gay or straight, who has felt perfectly comfortable telling me why they are prejudiced against bisexuals, I could quit my job."

"In my experience, the iciness of the lesbian community is far worse than anything a heterosexual has said to me. It's getting better, but still there are lesbians who won't even make eye contact with me, a known bisexual. I've had women stop mid-sentence and walk away when I mention that I'm married. They act as if I've tried to trick them, but they are the ones who assume that I am a lesbian."

"On the other hand, there is the myth that bisexuality is somehow more acceptable to heterosexuals than being gay. My parents sure didn't think it was cool when I came out to them after college. Like many parents, they went through the "Why are you doing this to us?" phase. They couldn't understand why I would be with a woman if I could be with a man. (I was actually wondering the opposite at the time!) It's taken my parents many years to start to have a comfort level with my bisexuality, and they still seem surprised sometimes when I bring it up, as if I would have forgotten about it when I got married. I've also had my share of conservative Christian colleagues tell me I'm going to burn in hell, and the occasional male coworker who thinks I'm a "hot bi babe" who of course wants to fulfill his fantasies."

Sorry Dolphin and others who I hope are lurking and reading our discussion for writing such a long post, but this is a really big deal to me. It hurts me when I feel that others view bisexual womyn as tricksters or think that every womyn who claims she is bi or bicurious is really a straight womyn looking for quick, well, you know. It hurts me when people assume it's any easier to be bisexual than gay, when they don't even know what it's like to be bisexual. If you haven't seen this thread, please take a look: http://www.lesbotronic.com/forum/viewtopic.php?t=950. You will see that I freely admit that there are people like the ones' you've described, but that in no way is a reflection of the bisexual community as a whole. Read some of the womyn's stories who posted in this thread. One womyn professed that she would never come out of the closet for fear of prejudice from the HOMOSEXUAL community. Just something to think about.

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Ack. This is a controversy that rears its head fairly frequently on any board that allows the bi-curious, the legitimately (ACTUALLY) bisexual, and the lesbian subscriber to post together all in the same place. I think we've already had this debate even elsewhere on THIS board, but I'm in the middle of a holiday thing here and can't find it immediately so let me just reiterate here:

There is nothing wrong with a bi-curious woman, as long as she doesn't represent herself as anything other than PRECISELY that. However, there is a lot of "bad press" in the queer community surrounding supposedly bi-curious women, in that many of them are primarily "making out" with ACTUALLY bisexual and/or lesbian women just to please and/or turn on their boyfriends and/or men they'd like to date. We here at lesbotronic do NOT say that this bad press is undeserved, rather we say that it is seriously unfortunate, for everyone involved.

WHY do we say that it is seriously unfortunate? Well, first of all, we'd say it's unfortunate if an ACTUALLY bisexual or lesbian woman gets fooled by one of the women described above. However, if she's been dating for more than 15 minutes, we'd hope she wouldn't be. Phrases like, "my boyfriend wants to watch," or "It's my husband's fantasy," in any email or personal ad would be a huge tip-off. So would a ring of men drinking beer around you and your other female date clapping their hands and yelling, "Take it OFF!" Just a couple of general hints.

So, that would be the "bi-curious" babe you might want to avoid . . . at least if you're not into the above. (If you are, then . . . happy hunting, and we're sure it WILL be happy, because you won't have to look far.)

Second, we'd say that it's seriously unfortunate if an actually bisexual or lesbian woman thinks "bi-curious for a boyfriend" is the same thing as actually bisexual. Because . . . it isn't, and it never has been. And that's where the damage to the actual and legitimate women's queer community comes in.

There is and has always been another sort of woman, the aforementioned ACTUALLY bisexual woman. She is ACTUALLY bisexual, in that she can form meaningfully intimate and longer-term sexual relationships with women as well as men. She is neither homosexual or heterosexual, but BISEXUAL.

And yes, Betsy, this sort of woman does actually exist. If she's monogamous, and finds a woman she wants to be with, she can actually avoid dating men in favor of dating the woman she wants to be with for just as long and as passionately as any lesbian or heterosexual female could do similar with their relationships. If she's poly, she can hold a relationship with a woman in as high a regard and treat it as respectfully as she holds her relationships with men.

Any questions?

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Celeste, I simply want to offer support. I feel you and I don't think its to mistreat anyone.

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Save yourself the heartache. I tried to wait for a girl before that was getting over her relationship and she used me as a crutch. You'll likely face the same problem because if you've ever been in a serious relationship you know that you're a mess when you break up and you're not able to jump into another relationship. Her previous relationship problems will overlap into the one you create with her because she'll still be hurt. Let her heal, tell her to call you in 6 mos once she gets over it. No good can come rushing her or pressuring her either... she needs time... she can't/wont be able to love/date/whatever you

I'm sorry for not sugar coating my response I'm sure you have feelings for this girl... but you must protect yourself first and foremost

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There are some relationships you never get over, some girls that are stuck in your heart forever. That being said, I do believe that you can find room in your heart for new people too. It just takes time and patience.

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