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Finding Me

Coming out was one of the most difficult things I have ever done in my life. I was petrified, literally. I was ashamed of who I was, somehow believing I was different. When I told my parents, they both said "well we knew you had the tendencies" My sister said "well Nic, this family is so f*cked up, someone had to be gay"...  My family & friends took it so well, but still, I felt like something was wrong, I was wrong.

I had a 7 year relationship with a man that I truly loved. We even got engaged. It was a partnership that I will always cherish, and I love him. But he left me. This destroyed me for awhile but after the deluge, I realised that I had other opportunities, ones that I always felt expressing when single...women. When I'm in love, I'm in love. There is no cheating, no mucking around. So people were a little confused when I told them because of my ex and my commitment to him. I explained that just because I am called "bisexual" doesn't mean that I hop from one to the other like window shopping. I stick to whom I chose. I knew there was the possibility of meeting a woman, so I thought it best I "come out" so their mouths don't hit the floor when I say "Hi, this is my girlfriend" LOL.

I met a woman and I wasn't interested in having a commitment with her. For the first time in my life, I just had sex for the sake of it. I didn't want to because I know I worry about the other party too much. I made it perfectly clear I didn't want more, and she was cool with it, so it seemed. So we were having fun and there were no obligations, until she said she wanted to be serious with me, monogamous. After numerous conversations I gave in. I should not have gone against my intuition, but I did and I said I'd give it a go. One day while shopping at a market she held my hand. I froze. Literally. I was not prepared for how I was going to react to this. I dropped my hand from hers casually, hoping she wouldn't notice...well she did, and that was stupid on my part. Again she went to hold my hand, I held it for about 30 seconds. During this time my body temperature rose, my heart began to pound, and everyone was staring at ME...paranoia set in big time. I dropped her hand...again.

I went quiet after that, feeling guilty for not sharing that moment with her and ashamed of myself. I felt ashamed of who I was. I couldn't accept it. We talked about it and it occured to me that I wasn't quite ready to be out there...with her. And this was a big thing, I didn't want her on my arm, her hand in mine, she was a friend and that's all I wanted. I had to tell her this, I was honest from the start why stop then? She took it hard. So did I. I never wanted to hurt her that's why I made it so clear.

The shame has gone for the most part. Now my test will come when I meet a woman and love her. I feel that I won't be ashamed because my love for her will overcome what people will "think" of me as a "lesbian". I don't know for sure but I'm hoping. It is so crazy, I am such an independant woman, one for the underdog, justice for all, but I get scared when I'm expressing my affection with a woman in public. Go figure?

Does anyone know what I'm talking about? Can anyone shed some light on the subject? I'd love to hear from you 

Thanks for listening


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Wow. I can't believe that I have missed this entry before. I guess exploring does pay off from time to time.

Again, all I can say is "Wow". Your story, so much there. Wow. Where to begin? Well, maybe here...I can understand where you are coming from. I am not out but I feel even if I were, I wouldn't be comfortable with the shows of affection. I wasn't even comfortable doing it the men in my past. I am just not a public person.

I am so private that I didn't even tell my mom when I became a "woman". Yuck. LoL, anyway. That is just me, secretive and a wall flower.

Plus, I think find the element of secrecy and cover very seductive.

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Wow, Nic, I know exactly what you mean.

I met a woman on line and I fell in love with her, but when I met her face to face . . . I sort of acted like we were only friends. You know . . . we didn't hold hands or anything like that because i was worried about what people would think of me.

And my family had the opposite reaction to me coming out than yours did. I told them straight out that I'm bisexual . . . I like men and I like women. I'm more prone to wanting to be with women, but . . . then I get confused and think maybe I want to be with a man. Anyway--side-tracked--my mom told me that she thinks the only reason I think i want to be with a woman is because I don't think I CAN get a man. *sigh* It's all just a confusing thing for me.

I don't know if I conveyed myself well in this post, but . . . I do know what you mean about how you are feeling, Nic.

I'm sure you'll find that special person that you'll fall in love with whether that person is male or female. Thank you for your post.


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Hi Pagan, nice to meet you 

Thanks for responding, it's always good to hear others feedback and how they feel about the issue.

I'm sorry your mum "thinks you CAN'T get a man". That's just her fear talking. People attack what they don't understand. It's like a masked man jumping out at you in a dark alleyway..hahahahaha. They shit themselves and defend. No matter. I know she is your mum, and her blessings and understanding would be a support for you, but always remember who YOU are and never deny yourself joy.

It's hard out there sometimes, but what matters most is that we are true to ourselves and others and how they react is not our problem, not our reality. So you stay beautiful, and stay true.

Thanks for your kind words, they mean alot 

Hope we all get there someday. I look forward to hearing from you again.

Luv Nic

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Thank you so much for your story....I was in a relationship with a man for about 3 years, and then he dumped me....after he dumped me, I fell in a hole...and then I noticed, I wanted something more....something that men can't give me....I'm not saying that I'm new to the whole lesbian community..I have just never been sexually intimate with another woman...for fear day'll all make sense..I hope 

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Why are women so damn hard to talk to. In between classes, I always meet flakes, you know...girls with issues. Wrong thread...but I just had to say that shit... 

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Anyway--side-tracked--my mom told me that she thinks the only reason I think i want to be with a woman is because I don't think I CAN get a man. *sigh* It's all just a confusing thing for me.

I feel you on this one. For myself, I'm 25 and have had bi tendencies since I was about 12, although that didn't dawn on me until I was around 16. I was very naive at 12 so it never occurred to me what it meant when I wanted to kiss my best friend on the lips during a sleep-over one night. She must have known, though: she dumped me as a friend not long after that, even though I never made a pass at her. *shrug* Growing up, I was sexually harrassed by boys like it was going out of style. School was a living hell for me and for a long time I had no interest in guys whatsoever. When I hit high school I decided to try to get over that hang-up and start chatting up guys. Turns out my first guy to chat up was actually the local bull dyke (I'd just transferred into that school).  After the initial shock I found that it didn't really bother me to be attracted to her and to "legitimate" guys on campus. Love is never wrong so who cares which bodies it's in, that sort of thinking.

My parents were a different sort of story. My dad is pretty tolerant and has had lots of gay/lesbian friends, but I'm not sure how tolerant he'll be when it applies to one of his kids. I told him once that I was bi after he'd had several drinks, but I think he was so many sails into the wind that it never really registered. My mom is the other end of the spectrum. The only time we ever had THE TALK she stressed the abominations of homosexuality and then ranted for about fifteen solid minutes about how there are "some real weirdos who like both sexes".  I was in an activist phase but still not really sure of my own sexuality at that time, so I asked her what she'd do if I told her I was one of those "disgusting bisexual freaks". She ground to a halt for about thirty seconds, threw the clutch back in, and told me that of course I wasn't like that and I'd get married and make babies some day. At present, I think neither of them realizes my real status because I've only brought home guys up to this point. I'm not really worried about my dad, but I'm pretty sure my mom'll hit the roof if the day ever comes when I need to out myself to her.

Extended family probably won't be that receptive either. My two living grandparents are both very religious, although of differing faiths (Jehovah's Witness and Catholic, and yes they're on different sides of my family  ), and I know it won't fly with them. My older brother is homophobic and would probably freak out fairly badly; his ex-wife, with whom I'm still friends, is "closet-phobic" in that she has a token gay friend but is disgusted about the idea of her sister's kid being a lesbian.  My youngest brother is also extremely homophobic. The only sibling that would likely accept me is the brother between myself and my youngest bro.

My family is f---ed up on a number of levels, and when things get tight it's dodgy on whether or not we stick together. I've been excommunicated from the family before for having the guts to tell my dad that he was an alcoholic and needed help, so I know the possibility exists that they'd turn on me in a second if I radically shifted their paradigm again. Should that happen, I've decided to decide that it wasn't a big loss; but I'm not going to cross that bridge until I have to.

As for the confusion and uncertainty, I get you on that. The guys I've been involved with have been jerks, to put it politely. It's taken me a few months to screw up the courage to get out of my comfort zone and do something to meet some women because there's that little voice in the back of my head that keeps going, "You're only thinking about girls because you can't keep a man." I counter that self-doubt by reminding myself that life is too damn short to go through it unhappy, and guys haven't been meeting my expectations. If it doesn't work out with the ladies I'm no worse off than if I stayed with guys exclusively, but if it does work out, I'll be a lot happier. So, to hell with the rest of the world. Love is never wrong.

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