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Signs, Signs Everywhere Signs...

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Melissah I feel exactly the same... I'm attracted equally to men and women. Recently a friend told me she though bisexual people were "just greedy" and because I'm currently in a long term relationship with a guy, she couldn't believe that I could see myself in one with a woman as a possibility. Crazy. I don't even know what to say to someone who doesn't "believe in bisexuals" All that aside, and in her defense, my bud is just completely naive, not mean-spirited.
"Where are you now? I'm trying to get by with never knowing at all. What is the chance of finding you out there? Or do I have to wait forever?"
~Michelle Branch


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i used to help facilitate a queer/lgbt womyn's group and i would always be shocked by some of the incredibly biphobic things that other lesbians would say. every year there would inevitably be a meeting with bisexuality as its topic and every year a third of the womyn would leave that meeting and never come back. it was really upsetting.

do you find that lesbians treat you differently when you're in a long-term (relatively) monogamous womon-womon relationship? a friend of mine is a butch bisexual dyke (a "byke") in an ltr with another butch and another friend of mine (a butch lesbian) said some biphobic things around her, it not even crossing her mind that this person was bi.

i think it's tragic that people attempt to "own" lesbianism and create arbitrary boundaries to exclude other people's experiences.



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What IS the matter with people???
Many straight people will accept that we can be born with a variety of different abnormalities, traits, etc., but can not fathom that homosexuality is something we can be born with, as well. And homosexuals will insist they are born that way and that straights should get over it. Yet neither group seems to think bisexuals fall into the same category. What's the deal????
And as far as not being able to make up your mind and/or jump from males to females--get over that, too. What's the difference between a lesbian who jumps from woman to woman to woman, or a bisexual who jumps from man to woman to......?
I think most bi people are like anyone else: looking for a long-term comitment from another PERSON. Lesbians want that from another woman, straights from someone of the opposite sex. If your partner cheats on you, does it really matter what the sex of that other person is? Cheating is cheating, regardless of sex. It shows a lack of character on the part of the cheater.
I am not bi, but have an odd history myself. I was straight for 33 yrs. I was attracted to men, but not really to women. I had crushes and fell in love with a variety of men. I even got married. When I was 33 (almost to the very day; happy birthday, right? lol), I developed a mad crush on a woman professor I had. I assumed that, after 33 yrs of liking men, this was just a speed bump in the road of life. I figured I would go back to men after my crush was over. Well, it's been almost 7 yrs and I have no interest in men anymore. :P A light bulb went on and something said: "This is the way you were always meant to be." My feelings for women are more intense, the sex more comfortable (not that I didn't like it before; it just seems more natural), and it just seems to be right. I am sure I will not be reversing polarities again. I don't even want to. Women even seem to be easier to deal with. Besides, even though I don't really get into this label thing, I really am too butch for most men (hey, if you were a guy, would you date a girl who gets called "sir" sometimes? lol. If they look at my chest, they wouldn't call my that).
I don't have problems with straight, homo, bi, or whatever. As long as you're having sex with a consenting adult ( I guess fruits and vegetables don't have to consent, lol :lol: ).
A good woman is like a good book: you'll want to get lost in both for hours and be much the wiser for it.


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melissah- not going to bother quoting, because almost *everything* you said i can relate to... i'm also 19, bi, and came out as being bi when i was 16 (actually, pansexual would be more representative, but there's too much confusion attached to the word). i hate that some people can't differentiate between being bi and bi-curious... there's nothing to be "curious" about when it comes to my sexuality, i at least know myself this well by now. i've been with girls, i've been with guys... i simply am attracted to both (and everything in between). i'm not looking for a threesome to make my boyfriend happy, i'm not "trying" to be more straight or more gay, or anything else bi-critics have to say about it. this does create quite a stir in both circles... some of my gay friends don't accept it, and some of my straight friends accept it for the wrong reasons (i.e guys thinking it's "hot"). but i've learned it doesn't really matter all that much if they "accept" it, it's my love life anyway and i'm sick of trying to justify it. anyway, everything i feel about bisexuality has pretty much been said by other people in this topic already, so i'll leave it at that... i don't really know where i was going, anyway.


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Although I don't have anything really deep to say, I can say that I cam out as bi to my mother and a few weeks later, whe made mention of how gross two women together is to her. I felt really hurt. But I try to remember that she is more old school and not a very open minded person. I keep my sexual preferences to myself and my husband. (Thank god he understands and enjoys it) It makes having conversations difficult at work since I work in a factory of closed minded men and women in a small farming community. I can't be myself without fear of reprocussions. :cry:
Looking not for a relationship per se, but a long term occational lover


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Once I had a close friend over for dinner. We got into the discussion of homosexuality. (She is not aware of my preferences btw). And suddenly she came out with "...but those bisexuals, I hate them". Admittedly I was taken aback just a little, a moment of pause struck me like a rabbit in headlights. Here is a woman that I have known for about 4 years, we met at my old job. We have shared stories of our lives and spent a great deal of time just laughing and talking like women do. On several occasions she has said "I love you, you mean the world to me"...and in that one brief conversation, she said she hated me. Once the initial shock was over I asked why. She answered "Because they can't make up their mind, jumping from men to women, it's disgusting. But gay's I'm fine with". I asked "How does it effect you?"...she answered "It doesn't, I just hate them cause it's wrong". I knew she was always a little naive about some stuff, but to hear such ignorant words come from her mouth shocked me.

Nicole, I understand your frustration, but I want to shed some light on the issue of bisexuals having a bad rep in the gay/lesbian community. A lot of lesbians have told me that they opt out of dating or getting involved with bisexual women because too many times there has been some sort of clich, for example:

1. A bisexual woman who is in a relationship with a man wants to bring another woman into the relationship for a threesome with the husband/boyfriend.

2. A bisexual woman in a relationship with a man wants to have a fling with another woman behind his back and say it's not cheating because "sex with another woman is not real sex."

I'm sure you've heard these and many other issues that have risen out of this. I, personally, have no issues with bisexual women if they're a TRUE BISEXUAL. There's a huge difference between being bisexual and calling yourself one just to sound sexy to a guy or to justify why you're a slut. I define a true bisexual as someone who can be in a relationship with a man and just be with him and no one else, and when she is in a relationship with a woman she is with her and no one else. Being bisexual is not about bed hoping as so many woman who claim they're bisexual have turned it into.

I'm sure you've heard about the STD risk. To be honest the fake bisexuals out there put everyone at risk, anyone does when they bed hop as much as they do. But if you're true to yourself and true to the life, if you know and believe that making love to a woman while you're in a relationship with a man is cheating (no matter what language or culture you come from), and that sex with a woman is real sex (I still don't know who cam up with that crazy idea) then you're okay. Sweetie, you're what I call a rare jewel in the bisexual world full of shit. Don't worry your efforts to love will not go unoticed and someday you will find a woman who will realize that you're not like all the others, you really do want love.


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I have to disagree with most of your post.
A "true bisexual" according to my definition is someone who is equally attracted to men and women, and has sexual relations with both men and women. Saying that someone is only a "true bisexual" if she or he is monogamous is just your own judgement on their lifestyle, and many women-lesbians, bisexuals or heterosexuals, are not in monogamous relationships nor to they feel they need to be. While I believe sex is best with someone you love, that doesn't mean sex just for the fun of it is wrong. What an imposition of puritanical morals.
I can't believe that you would blame a high STD risk on bisexual women. Thats equivalent to a straight person saying that AIDS is only spread by gay people. Complete nonsense. And you didn't address the people who identify as polyamorous.
Your use of the word "slut" saddens me. Obviously you feel a need to box bisexual women up to fit your own ideas of morality and misconceptions about sexual health.
"Where are you now? I'm trying to get by with never knowing at all. What is the chance of finding you out there? Or do I have to wait forever?"
~Michelle Branch


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Carrie, you need to 1. calm down, and 2. go back and read what was written because you obviously got your panties all in a knot for no reason at all...then again maybe what was posted (something I never said was my view or opinion, but something that has been commonly said) offended you because it shed some light on your personal life or whatever. Oh and before you say that there isn't a high risk of STD's among bisexual men/women I suggest you do some research (try the CDC, you do remember what that stands for, don't you?) before you say it's "nonsense." And news flash miss I'm-a-bisexual-and-I-know-everything, even the poster said her close friend made a comment alluding to what I posted. I highly suggest you calm down, untangle your panties, and from now on READ the entire post and try to comprehend.



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I would urge anyone reading/replying to this post to make sure you're familiar with our Lesbotronic Community Guidelines:


. . . before things get out of hand, ok? Disagreement/debate is fine. Name calling and severe rudeness not. There's some verging here. Let's take a step back, take a deep breath, and continue with dignity.



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a very interesting dialogue, and obviously a sensitive subject...

i identified as bi for about 3 years or so (after my divorce from a man). a little over a year ago i finally figured out that i'm a lesbian. what i have to say comes from my experience, as well as my second-wave radical feminist studies...

but first, let me say that i have several friends who are in various places and/or stages of their bicuriosity and/or bisexuality. some who openly identify as bi, some who are too confused to know what to call themselves, and i support them all wherever they are in their journey...

one third of all mammals are bisexual. that's biology. i know that other species that are closest to humans are largely bisexual. i think it's biologically pretty normal. the problem is that human beings are far more complex than that. while we are products of genes and biology and chemicals, etc. we are also products of our culture, our education, our interactions, etc...

i won't date wimyn who identify as bi, for a few reasons. 1) i believe that bisexual women either eventually decide to live as/discover they are lesbians, or they marry men. if you feel you can be with a man or a woman and it really doesn't matter to you, are you going to go with the one who society finds acceptable, or the one you will be marginalized for? (rhetorical question.) i've seen this many times. i'm pushing 30. i don't waste my time with people who aren't seriously looking for a partner. this is tied in with... 2) my lesbianism is such a huge part of my feminism. i think most wimyn who identify as bi are having trouble parting with their hetero privilege, as well as having trouble parting with their relation to men. we are not taught to value our relationships with wimyn in this society. people are viewed by their relationship to the penis (do you have one? are you married to one? etc.). it's scary when you take that away. i want to be with another womyn who is completely womyn-identified.

my last girlfriend told me she was bi several weeks into our relationship. we had a really long talk with her and i told her how i felt and how i felt things would end up. she assured me that none of those things applied to her, i had nothing to worry about. i wanted to be open-minded and see if i was wrong (i'm always willing to be). as it turned out, i was 100% on the money.

i know that really identifying as bi isn't easy. my friend sarah feels like she has to come out to her mom every few months because her mom just doesn't believe her or take her seriously. i support her in her struggle. i aslo watch her date mostly men, because it's easier. she has also said she wants to be able to have a pretty traditional family, which probably means a man. so, while i love and support her, and she's stunningly gorgeous, would i ever (unless she completely jumped the fence) have a romantic relationship with her? no way.

again, i fully support all of you bi's in your journey and your struggle and respect your decisions/orientations/identities/etc.etc... while at the same time hoping you understand a little better why so many lesbians would prefer not to date you...
"We are not separate from spirit, we are in it." --Plotinus

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