no longer active member

Telling my mom

26 posts in this topic

My mom raised me since birth and being born out of wedlock with no father or any siblings, I've became VERY close with my mother. Ever since I was little, I always felt inclined to tell her EVERYTHING. But there were just some things that I wanted to keep secret such as my hidden desires for both the opposite and same sex. When I discovered that I wasn't completely straight was in grade 8 in highschool. It happened in math class; I saw this sexy redhaired girl in class and immediately from there I had desires to approach her.

But alas I was deemed the "geek" in school and was quite introverted. I wanted to try something new so I cut my hair short but then my classmates all started to make fun of me calling me a "lesbian", and it reminded me of my prior younger years when I was made fun of quite badly by the bullies of my class because of my mixed heritage. So I grew my hair long again and kept looking at this girl from a distance. But all good came from knowing this girl since it inspired me to write a story concerning a redhaired pirate and a prince.

But for seven years afterwards, I kept my sexuality a secret until just four weeks ago I "came out" to my mother in the car. Earlier that day I told her that there were matters that were really bothering me but it was quite hard for me to express it. Then finally I told her and couldn't stop crying in the car. I kept saying "I failed you" and I expected her to get upset and hold a grudge or whatever since I read some horror stories on the web about some other people my age who "came out" to their parents. Fortunately and thank god, my mom was surprisingly understanding and indifferent. Her love for me would never change no matter what I was and I'm happy to say that seven years of guilt and fear was lifted off my shoulders that day! 

Share this post


Link to post

Lucky for you, that you were excepted...where I'm from, me being attracted to women sexually, is punishable (wrong spelling I think ) by death...I haven't came out to my mother because...it could be that I'm just a complete bone head...my mother and I never had a good relationship...so I consider it to be none of her buisness, as to who I'm dating. I could see it if, I was dependent on my mother for certain things in life...but I'm not...and in a way that makes me grateful...because when the sun comes down...I really shouldn't have to define myself to anybody...and I think that is the way it should be...we live in a fucked up country....we pay bills, smile, open doors...and do all the other nesassary bullshit...why should we have to answer to anyone, as long as there is no blood on our hands...(except for the occasional homophobic individual )..we should just be...

I had a aunt...who lived in the "shoulda, coulda, woulda" zone, and the day that she decided to "live a little" (got herself a really expensive car) she died in the next hour....I always think about that, because she spent her whole fucking life worrying about what the occasional asshole thought of her...Common (the rapper) said, one day tho...it'll all make sense..

Share this post


Link to post

Quote
Lucky for you, that you were excepted...where I'm from, me being attracted to women sexually, is punishable (wrong spelling I think  ) by death...I haven't came out to my mother because...it could be that I'm just a complete bone head...my mother and I never had a good relationship...so I consider it to be none of her buisness, as to who I'm dating. I could see it if, I was dependent on my mother for certain things in life...but I'm not...and in a way that makes me grateful...because when the sun comes down...I really shouldn't have to define myself to anybody...and I think that is the way it should be...we live in a fucked up country....we pay bills, smile, open doors...and do all the other nesassary bullshit...why should we have to answer to anyone, as long as there is no blood on our hands...(except for the occasional homophobic individual )..we should just be...

I had a aunt...who lived in the "shoulda, coulda, woulda" zone, and the day that she decided to "live a little" (got herself a really expensive car) she died in the next hour....I always think about that, because she spent her whole fucking life worrying about what the occasional asshole thought of her...Common (the rapper) said, one day tho...it'll all make sense..

Woah.

Share this post


Link to post

Guess I had it easy. When I told my father, his reply was: so? I expected him to at least question me ("Are you sure? Is this something you thought about?"). My mother was barely fazed. My two brothers and my sister figured me out long before I figured myself out, lol.

When I brought my first girlfriend home (no one knew she and I were together yet, but she was so OBVIOUSLY gay), my sister said she always knew I was gay, she was just waiting for the confirmation. I gave it to her a few days later. She didn't care.

They poke fun at me, but that's just our way of showing affection.

My 14 yr old son knows and is fine with it. Matter of fact, he and my one ex get along very well. Sometimes he spends a weekend night at her house. They are like two little kids together. They play video games, watch movies, and giggle a lot.

My friends before I came out are still my friends now. I have been really lucky and can't imagine what it must be like to not be accepted.

The only bad experience I had was at a job a few years ago. Several co-workers thought I was gay (they did not know for sure) and told the boss (who is gay herself) that I said some pretty nasty things. Since I had been there only a very short while, I was fired. I never said any of the things attributed to me. Unfortunately, I would have a hard time proving it. My one witness isn't all that reliable. Oh, well. I got a very good job right after, however.

If that's the worst thing to ever happen to me, I am truly lucky.

Share this post


Link to post

HI,

I am new here to this chat/post site and I like what I am reading. I wanted to respond to this post first. I was very lucky when I came out, I was married with one child and I was in my 30's. I think deep down I always knew that I was a lesbian but never understood it. When I could not take the desire that I had for women any longer I was finally honest with myself. I started by telling my friends first....that went well, then I told some of my siblings and most were fine, one thought it was a phase and one was a little confused though she is totally fine now. I told my parents and ya know what....I was sitting there crying, and my mom says, "I had my suspicions all along while you were growing up", my Dad was quiet but said "We still Love you"....that made me cry more. They were concerned for my daughter, but that all passed. The hardest part was telling my husband. I had heard horror stories, and I didn't want to loose custody, I was a nervous wreck.

I am happy to say that HE took it extremely well, I moved out with my daughter, he lives closeby and sees her every weekend and once during the week. I think he may be GAY and that is why it went so well.

I am one of the very fortunate. I have my family, an ex. that is a great guy and a woman that I Love.

Share this post


Link to post

so far in my experience since coming out, the most aggrevating/annoying response isn't rejection, but attempts at manipulation by those supposedly nearest and dearest trying to get me to see the error of my ways. since coming out to the maternal parental unit, the attitude was ' yes, that's nice dear, now lets go back in the closet and pretend this didn't happen.' this was also when i lived 1000 miles away. since moving back to the area, i have been declared persona non grata at her house. fine with me, now i know where you stand, don't hold your breath expecting me to call. 4 months later, about a week after the hurricane visits, i get a call from her and she is complaining about all the work that she and her husband had to do with the cleanup. she spent the conversation trying to make me feel guilty over my life choice and abandoning them. i don't feel guilty in the least, however i am p!@#ed off. after 30 years of being the outsider, i finally try to build some connection and this is what happens. makes me think i should have stayed with my first instinct and stayed away from familial relationships.

Share this post


Link to post

I was about to come out to my brother, being that he is the most open minded of my family, until I saw where his lecherous mind was headed. So I didn't. I was about to come out to mom until I told her my 'friend' had divorced her husband, came out as lesbian and moved in with a woman. Mom hit the roof and I hit the decks! 

My partner is male and in a 'what if' conversation he said that an infidelity would be the same be it with a male or a female.

I am bisexual. I enjoy both sexes. I am attracted sexualy to the virility of a male body, the smell of him etc, but I am just as attracted to what a woman has to offer me. Her softness, her femeninity, her womanhood. There is just nothing in this world as a woman! I don't feel I must have one or the other, why?

Then there is the shit in the gay community, where you are a total asshole because you are bi! Like I don't get enough shit from my LOVED ones, I gotta be in the closet to gays, too! 

*sigh*

I miss women... 

Share this post


Link to post

Quote

Then there is the shit in the gay community, where you are a total asshole because you are bi! Like I don't get enough shit from my LOVED ones, I gotta be in the closet to gays, too! 

 

I definitely have a problem with anyone (gay, straight, or otherwise) who would be critical in such a way to another person about their sexual preference. I especially don't understand why someone whose sexual preference is marginalized and discriminated against would have a 'problem' with bisexuals. The point being: unification, tolerance, and support in these areas are critical!! We need to stand up for each other and ourselves, not promote further discrimination and hatred. Keep your chin up! There are as many (if not more) people who will support and defend your bisexuality than those who would criticize it.

Melissa

Share this post


Link to post

writergamer's story sounds exactly like mine. A little different but almost the same. My queer discorvery only happend when I started watching my female manager from a distance. Come to find out we was watching one another all along. Conicedentally we would always get caught watching one another in the distance and one day I up and sent her roses (first lady I hit on first person I sent flowers). And later on she said love you (it was weird how it happend, I dunno if it slipped out of her mouth or she meant it because she became nervous and walked away). It was such odd circumstances because we never end up with one another nor did we ever talk besides work conversation. We just always watched one another and occassionaly tried to brush up against one another.

Anyways this whole ordeal with me and this woman went on for a year. And before then i was very homophobic but I know it was a denial issue. Growing up I pretty much checked out women such as teachers and things like that until in 6th grade one decided to take advantage of me then I became scared of the whole gay issue again. So years and years and years I boasted about dykes, fags bulldaggers and queers. Thank god I end up working for this woman because I was very confused. She was sort of the person who helped me discover Im really a queer and I need to stop denying it because I only made it difficult and confusing.

I guess its true moms can always tell. From time to time before I came out she'd call me a lesbian to hurt me in arguments. Or maybe she didn't know how to make me admit it. And it was EATING away at me so much that my heart would nearly collasp everytime that name came out of her mouth. I'd just ball my eyes out because I felt like someone had ripped off my clothes and put a spot light on me at the presidental election.

Just 3 months ago I decided to come out and tell my mom. I explained to her why part of me has became this way. Or maybe I shouldn't say became but is. One reason's are partly because I personally do not appreciate men and the tendecies they act in relationship wise. Im proud of women and appreciate them, I was raised by strong women (with no dad). So as far as I concern I'd serve a good woman with a silver platter. I tried to tell her a few days before but it wouldn't come out of my mouth. The day I did admit I was gay I just fell to my knees and cried in her lap.

I was surprise to know that she only said "its okay, its your life. She told me I only have one and live it how I want". Since then my mom has never called me a lesbian or made fun of me about it again. And guess what "she said she kind of figured it growing up".

I to have started writing down a story about my ordeal. Only thing its a mixture of fiction and non fiction but no one will ever know but me.

Ray Gay

Share this post


Link to post

How do you "come out" to your mum when you have just come out of an 11yr marriage,although she hated my husband i think she would hate me even more if i was to tell her i was a lesbian,also the fact that i have two children from my marriage i don't want to think of what it would do to them.Many times i have wanted to say something but it just never seems the right time......i just wonder if there will ever be a right time.It has taken me a long time to come to terms with the way i feel and i sure don't want to lose anymore time in trying to find "The one"...Mm what to do 

Share this post


Link to post

Well today was the day i finally came "out" to my mum and i can't believe how cool she was with it,it is just such a relief to be out in the open now.Oh! i am so happy, now i can live the life i want to and not be afraid  . Only thing now of course is telling my kids.....but one thing at a time i think. 

Share this post


Link to post

Congratulation  That must be a huge weight off your shoulders. I remember the day I came out to my mother. I was so nervous and wanted to run out the front door but before I could utter the words "Mommy, I'm a lesbian" she stopped me and said she always knew I'd turn out to be bisexual or lesbian. I had always known that she was a bisexual and even got to know one of her girlfriends who spent a lot of time with us. Now our relationship is more amazing than it was before. We check out girls together, go to a bar/club when she's in town and just relax and chill like two bestfriends. It's the best feeling in the world--well one of them  but once again congratulations and good luck with telling your children. They love you so it should not be hard for them to accept you. Best Wishes 

Share this post


Link to post

This is an odd topic. I don't know, maybe it's because my mother has not given me a dollar since I was 12, and the fact that my father was never there. I never saw the big deal, with coming out to people who don't mean shit. I guess if you have a tight relationship with your mom, then thats some shit that you need to tell her, before you bring home another girl, but I just have never seen the importance with sharing my sexual escapades with my momma. I'll call to see if she's alive, and I think, that is as far as it goes. It could also be that I'm chickenshit, and I can't get the ovaries to tell my mother whats the deal, *sigh*, oh forget it. 

Share this post


Link to post

blacklesbian, I agree with you feelings about only telling people who are important in your life. No one who is not important to me knows about my lesbianism because I feel it's none of their business who I am and who I choose to sleep with. I'm sorry you're not close with your mother, I don't know how it feels because my mother and I are extremely close but if it helps my step-mother is a bitch and I keep my distance from her...

Share this post


Link to post

It's all good Lisa, I just believe that sometimes the whole parenting thing is over-rated. Parents are usually the ones who fuck their children up. Think: Natural Born Killers (the movie) and how Oliver Stone kept going back and forth into the lives and childhood of Mickey and Mallory. I know its just a movie, but it speaks volumes. Racism, homophobia, fear, all comes from our first teachers who are our parents. I was working with a bunch of kids a while back and the amazing thing is that children don't understand racism, it's when their parents teach them bullshit, that they grow up to hate the unknown...that is just my opinion.

Share this post


Link to post

Step-mothers are always bitches, step fathers are worst.

Share this post


Link to post

i'm afraid i don't have a coming-out-to-my-mother story, because... well, i haven't. and right now, i don't have a reason to. my mother has always been a "no sex til marriage, don't bash gays but don't like what they do" sort of person. and me... i'm a bisexual, lost-my-virginity-at-15 sort of person.... we get along in most respects, but i really don't see the need to ruin what relationship we have over something that she really doesn't need to know about. if a time comes when she does need to know, i will tell her then.

my father, on the other hand, asked me when i was 13 if my mother had ever "told me how to make sex more fun". til then i had thought sex was a necessary function, not pleasureable in any way (i was very sheltered, and my father left the family when i was 7). when i told my father i wouldn't mind being in a threesome someday, he acted like i was the best thing since sliced bread and said "i wish i'd known girls like you when i was growing up!"

and just now, i came out to him over email.

he'll probably send me presents or something, knowing him. 

i came out to my brother back in december, and he was both not surprised, and supportive. my sister.... we'll see. i'll tell her eventually.

-Becca

Share this post


Link to post

I cannot come out to either of my parents, although my younger sister knows...my family is...hmmm i call it "super christian" i havent done nething church related for about 2 yrs with them, they kno i hate it...but ive done everything outside of just telling them, and still they live in blistfull ignorance. If i were to tell them....oh..wow...there would be hell to pay for me...lemme tell you...so..what do i do?

alone,

~liz

Share this post


Link to post

Liz, ya know you're not obligated to disclose your sexual orientation to your family or anyone, but like most of us you feel you have to. If you're family is not going to accept you for who you are and support your lifestyle and relationships then it's best that you keep your mouth shut about this one although I believe you should be able to be who you are and tell who you want without consequence, but alas we do not live in a perfect world and the people who hurt you the most so happens to be family. Good luck with whatever you decide and I hope all goes well with your family.

Share this post


Link to post

Hi!

I haven´t tell anyone from my family, their moral is so traditional... But my friends know, at least the ones who matter, and anything changed in our relation.

With my friends it was not that I came out ´cause I was never in the closet . I mean, all my life I had been attracted sexually and emotionally to men until I felt something special for a close female friend. It´s just that she appeared to be so amazing to my eyes... She confused me a lot making me believe sometimes that she felt the same and when I told her about my feelings she just kept me far from her (but that´s another long and sad story). The point is that i was deeply depressed (it was something pathological, I couldn´t do a normal life for months, crying when I was walking down the street, not being able to study, to sleep and etc...). And when my friends asked what was wrong I told them what was making me so unhappy. I didn´t tell them before not because I were in the closet. I just wouldn´t had tell them until then if the one who made me cry was a male either.

My mother also noticed that I was not OK and she feared something really wrong happened to me. She even asked if I had drug/alcohol problems, if I was pregnant , if I was raped and all sort of terrible things. I dind´t want my mother to suffer but if she new I was in love with a woman it wouldn´t help a lot. In fact I think she read something she shouldn´t have read (some silly poetry I wrote, the only thing I was capable to do during those days) and she already knows. I would really like her to know but I see no point in that, in case she doesn´t know yet. I mean, now I realise long ago I had vague feelings about another girl, but they were that, vague feelings. I don´t know if I will ever feel something strong for a girl, so I see no point in making my mom suffer (is not her fault, I don´t see her as an intolerant monster, it is the education she had, she raised in a spanish family who were pro Franco´s disctatorship!!)

In case I fall in love again with a girl and just if that girl loves me too, I´ll gladly tell everyone in my family about it , but if that doesn´t happen, is no use causing such a suffering and trouble - I don´t want my father to undergo a heart attack for nothing.

Take care and be happy.

Share this post


Link to post

So, I came out to my mom tonight... It went a lot better than I thought it would - and I feel so free at this point! I'd come out to virtually everyone else that I'm going to make a point of coming out to, and my mom was the last person on my list.

I'm going to San Fran for a convention that just happens to be during San Francisco Pride week. She said that San Fran is the gay capital of the world and said that she hoped I wouldn't come back with a woman that I called 'honey'. Seemed like a gift to me - the perfect opening for me to say, 'What would be wrong with that?'. She said that there nothing wrong with it - she has several friends that are gay; I countered with, 'well you have a daughter that's gay too.'

That's where the conversation veered down the path of her telling me that I needed to get on my knees and do some serious praying. I ended the conversation - but at least she ended the conversation with an 'I love you'.

So, like I said, it went better than I expected. (She can be just a little bit psycho sometimes, and I was sure that this was going to be a trigger.)

So, good luck to those who haven't come out yet and I'm ecstatic to be out out out!!!

Share this post


Link to post

I've come out to everyone who has asked and to several bars across the world when I was being hit on by sleazy men, but I haven't to my mum.

My Mum and I are really tight and she taught me to resect people regardless of their race, socio-economic background, beliefs or sexual orientation (hell, I didn’t even realise that two people of the same gender in a relationship was considered ‘different’ until I started school when I was 11!), so I’ve never really seen a need to come out to her as I don’t think it would matter.

I walk about the place in gay-pride shirts and bring home copies of ‘Pride’ and ‘LOTL’ (the local homosexual magazines) and as my finishing English essay in year 12 I wrote a 6.6 thousand-word thesis on Homophobia and Homosexuality through the ages, so I think she has an idea.

But as I said, it was never considered as something ‘different’ in my house, so I don’t see why I should have to come out if my three brothers aren’t going to sit down and tell her that they’re straight.

Share this post


Link to post

That's awesome!

I think it's wonderful that your home environment is so supportive - and I think you're absolutely on target that if your brothers don't have to come out as straight, you shouldn't have to come out either.

So, kudos to your mom and your family!

Have a terrific day!!

Share this post


Link to post

When I came out to my mom she just said, "your to young to know" It really irritated me and now she acts like it never happened. Shes always hinting about how i should get with this boy or that boy. Shes in denial. She would always walk in on me and my ex cuddling and being all touchy. Then she would just start talking about a boy I had a thing with. So its like whatever its none of her buisness anyway.

Share this post


Link to post

She knows but I don't discuss it.

Share this post


Link to post

Please sign in to comment

You will be able to leave a comment after signing in



Sign In Now