no longer active member

a heavy topic "overweight"

Wel my girlfriend is just too heavy. We have been dating for 2 years and we have tons of fun. We have some things alike (kids) but are very different in lots of deeper ways. I feel she puts more energy into the relationship than I do in lots of ways especially physically. I always respond to her but I hardly ever initiate sex and I would if her body turned me on. Her spirit does but I wish she would even want to try to improve herself a little like lose 50 pounds. Anyway I never talk about this with her she gets too defensive. I think she knows I would like it if she lost weight but we dont talk about it. Any advice? 

Share this post


Link to post

Quote
Wel my girlfriend is just too heavy. We have been dating for 2 years and we have tons of fun.

This is a very interesting topic. I have always wondered what attracted women to other women...and in some cases it might sound vain, but I love to look at beautiful women...big or small, I just love when a woman takes care of herself as do I...now I'm not saying that I'm into femme's or anything like that (not that there is anything wrong with femme's...its just not my thing). My question to you would be...what attracted you to your girl in the first place? And is it possible to look past her weight and focus on doing fun things that can also burn 600 calories at the same time...? 

Quote
I always respond to her but I hardly ever initiate sex and I would if her body turned me on. Her spirit does but I wish she would even want to try to improve herself a little like lose 50 pounds.

I dunno...I think that this comment is pretty harsh, there are some things people can change and there are other things that they cannot change. If your girl is an obese individual...then she needs help in regards to her overall health, and I feel that, that is a issue that you should be more concerned about...if she is not obese person, then maybe you should encourage her to work out with you. Losing 5, 10 or 15 pounds is no light task, and I think that those women with speedy metabolisms should be sensitive to that...I do agree with you tho somewhat...I hate it when you first get into a relationship...and in the beginning, everything is amazing and then out of nowhere, your partner gains like 70 pounds...if thats the case then you REALLY need to sit down and discuss some shit. It should be in the intrest of all couples in relationships to keep certain things tight (i.e. your ass), only to show your partner that you have NOT gotten comfortable with them being there.

If her weight is bothering you that much...(up until the point that you are not sexually attracted to her), then you guys have to be careful because you never know what can happen...

*and back to my 6,000 sit-ups a day*....just kidding 

Share this post


Link to post

It's really tough to get someone motivated to go to the gym and be into fitness. (My boyfriend is a personal trainer and even he has a hard time convincing me to go with him when i don't feel like it!)

I think it is important to sit her down, assure her that you love her, and ask her if she truely is happy with herself at that weight and if she feels healthy. If she does, feel happy for her that she isn't constrained by society's beauty standards. But don't neglect your own feelings. It might come down to telling her that you are just attracted to more toned women. Just try to keep this as positive as possible!!

If she isn't happy with her weight, there are a ton of things you can do.

Find new recipes and fitness plans. Start making all your meals at home (think equal portions of a complex carb and protien) Get books (try Body for Life by Bill Phillips)

She will stick to her new program a lot better if you are her workout partner! Start slow at first, if she is really out of shape maybe just walking for 20 min every morning. If money is no object you can join a gym together and hire a personal trainer to develop a personalized fitness plan.

The hardest thing is sitting down and having a positive conversation without anyone getting upset. All that being said, would you still love your SO if she were in a car accident and became disfigured? How much of your relationship is based on looks and how much on who she really is. Looks aren't the end all be all.

Share this post


Link to post

Wow Tomboygirrl,

I have to say that I feel kinda bad for your girlfriend.  You say you have been dating for 2 years, was she the same weight in the beginning? Do you know if she has anything that would cause her to be overweight? You don't mention if you are thin, fit, or inshape.....are you? If so, then what attracted you to her in the first place? You say you have tons of fun together and that her spirit attracts you. She sounds great to me. You never initiate sex, have you ever had that happen to you...ever? Imagine for one moment how that must make her feel. Are you without flaws? I know I'm not, but my partner loves me for me, some wrinkles, loose skin and greying hair, yet she still loves me after 4 years.

You also say that your girlfriend puts more into the relationship, she must love you very much. Again I say, I feel bad for her. If you don't feel the same for her then let her go. Why do you stay in the relationship if you are not physically attracted to her. What keeps you in it?

I am sure there will be plenty of women out there that would love to have and be around someone that is fun and has a spirit to match.

Perhaps things have changed for the both of you, maybe you are not together any longer, maybe she has lost some weight, maybe she has found someone that will appreciate her for all she is.

Missy40

Quote
Wel my girlfriend is just too heavy. We have been dating for 2 years and we have tons of fun. We have some things alike (kids) but are very different in lots of deeper ways. I feel she puts more energy into the relationship than I do in lots of ways especially physically. I always respond to her but I hardly ever initiate sex and I would if her body turned me on. Her spirit does but I wish she would even want to try to improve herself a little like lose 50 pounds. Anyway I never talk about this with her she gets too defensive. I think she knows I would like it if she lost weight but we dont talk about it. Any advice? 

Share this post


Link to post

There sure are alot of wonderful topics on this board. I may be sitting here for days!! 

I have several things on my mind about this subject. Having been someone that has yo-yo'd up and down for many years, I finally got to a weight that I am comfortable with. By many standards I am still considered overweight. The plus side for me is that I am healthy, active, and happy. My Partner went through many of my ups and downs and never did she make negative comments, she was always supportive and she was never turned off by my body. She is thinner than I am but that doesn't seem to matter to her. She has recently gained weight and is having problems with her thyroid and this is causing her some distress, I just listen to her, support her in her concerns and I know she will get it under control with the help of her Dr.

We have also started walking together and dancing silly around the house. It is alot of fun, we laugh and my daughter thinks her "Mom's" are crazy, but she joins in for the fun too.

Tomboygirrl, if you are so concerned about her GF's weight then why not get moving with her. Most of all though, be honest with her. If you are not physically attracted to her she must sure sense it, and like Missy40 says. "I feel bad for your girlfriend." One would think that 2 years together you would just love her for her.

I am curious to know how things are going since you posted this as it has been sometime. I hope for the both of you that you were able to work it out.

Wish I could write more, but work calls.

Share this post


Link to post

HI there, I read this post with much interest and I don't know if what I have to say will help in anyway but I would like to tell you my story.

My girlfriend and I had been together for almost 3 years, she was funny, outgoing, smart, creative, and most of all she was an incredibly loving individual. Yet, her weight was bothering me. She probably needed to lose 40-50 lbs as well, but she did not seem upset by it. I on the other hand was not very attracted to her at this point and it was tearing me up. We spent a great deal of time together, she was amazing with my 2 kids, she has one. We practically lived together. I know that I used to miss her when she was not around, yet when she was and we would go to bed I just didn't want to make love with her.

Well, she got sick. She was diagnosed with uterine cancer. She underwent several sugeries as it had spread, she went through long treatments and illness. Her laughter always remained, she kept a smile on my face. She lost her hair, she lost weight (too much). She never gave up hope, she was always positive. Yet, I felt my life falling apart. What would I do without her.

It was then that I realized how much I truly loved this woman, that I would just love her for all she is, for who she is and take joy in knowing that her love was always true.

She survived. She is in recovering. Her hair came back different and she has gained her weight back and then some from the medications...but, I will never, ever want her to lose weight again. She is the light in my life, she is MyHrt and I love her now with everything that is in me.

Tomboygirrl, if you don't truly love her then do let her go. Because somewhere out there is someone that will love her for all that she is. If you do love her then please, I hope for you that you never go through what I did. Love her for her for what she brings to your life and embrace it with all that you have.

In love with the one that holds MyHrt.

Share this post


Link to post

Wow! I really enjoyed the posts on this thread. I would love to know what happened between tomboygirl and her gf. I know how it feels to have someone not initiate sex. It hurts like hell. I'm sure she senses something is wrong. You two really need to talk. I will recommend an easy, but effective workout. It's the oxycise videos. They have helped alot of people. It has given me alot more energy. I hate most workouts, but this is only 15 minutes. Some other easy tips are giving up elevators and taking the stairs and parking as far from the store as possible. If you two workout together it could be a bonding experience 

Share this post


Link to post

well this is tomboygirl and i am hurting so bad I want to die.

My girlfriend and I have been thru hell because I admitted my feelings on theis website.

She has never forgiven me even though I talked tomy therapist and sponser about it and have gotten past it. I let it go. I love her with all my heart and want to be with her always to grow old with her because she is beautiful. We have had great and wonderful sex where I am the agressor. she has the body of the goddess and I was too wrapped up in my own issues to realize it. But we have had fights. the ones where I say why cant you talk to me about your feelings and she says "i cant thats just me take it or leave it" and the ones where I say "why dont you let me help you with the things in your life since you help me all the time and take care of me when ever you can" and she says" well i just do for myself and take care of myself thats me take it or leave it" I think having a fight shouldnt be the end of the relationship but now she has dumped me twice in 2 months. she wont even talk to me and the last time she told me I ruined her self esteem by posting here about the weight issue. so I guess I learned my lesson. I've lost the only person I ever loved deeply because I was open about my problematical feelings. I was looking for help and I got hurt. The lesson here must be to keep anything negative inside and share only the positive. I will love her forever but now she hates me and I am alone.

Share this post


Link to post

tomboygirrl,

first of all, i want to say that i'm truly sorry that you ended up losing your girl. it sounds like you realized too late that how much you loved her and where the issues truly resided.

i know that you're really hurting right now, but i sincerely hope that you will be able to take something positive from this situation. namely, i hope that you understand now that when there are issues within your relationship, the first person you need to talk to about the issue is your partner.

i wish you the best of luck with your therapy and your future loves.

ami

Share this post


Link to post

I am in the hurting cant stop crying phase. I want to go to bed and not get up. I feel as if my heart has been torn in two. For 4 years we shared everything, the bad times when her mother died and my father passed away, and the good times when we went away together to P town and other wonderful weekends. Even the Saturday barbecues when the kids were getting along. I am lost with out her in my life. I feel empy. Our relationship wasn't easy for me in the begriming. I was fearful of any relationships and very frightened of getting hurt, but the years and her gentle reassurance made that fear dissipate. I began to trust again after a 10 year abusive relationship and years of therapy. She was the stimulus to learn healthier ways to deal with my feelings. She helped me to heal . she brought creativity into my analytical life and that is part of me now. But I feel like half a person. I think part of the problem is that she gave and gave but when she got stressed out she was not open enough to take. Or maybe she just didn't want what I had to offer. I miss her every

minute since she is still my lover in my head. she doesn't want to talk to me and I am filled with only sadness and fatigue. I really don't feel strong enough to get through this. I sent this post as an e mail to nghtskylvr but I put it on here because I am hoping she reads this and will spend some time thinking about it. But I doubt that she will reconsider. Her days are full of many things and I am sure it leaves no room or energy to reflect about us. I on the other hand just go back to bed and sleep like the dead. I am hoping the sleep will heal my spirit and I can get past the wreckage and the pain of losing my hard won ability to love.

Share this post


Link to post

tomboygirrl first off i want to say I am sorry for the lose of your girl.I will say this the way you went about it all sure hurt her.But now in the long run your the one hurting.I myself am a heavyset woman and the way i see it and say it I am happy being me.If others do not like my looks or body there lose I dont care.Cause the one who has to be happy is me.I do things just fine and still enjoy life the way I am.I am a very honest woman with a kind loving heart.I have a lot of good things about me that is hard to find.So to me that out ways the weigth issuse.I am not a bad looking woman being heavyset I take good care of myself in all ways I can.I believe everyone has good and bad in them and should except people for who they are not try to change them.that is the problem now today to many people try to change others to there standards of life.To many people judge people for the weight, looks, money, there race,body, the height, disabilitys, what ever.and not for the real person from the heart.all other things can and more less change as time goes bye in years or time.But the one with a kind loving gentle heart true honest kind of person is more to stay with you and stick by your side.what i am saying to judge somone can heart has you found out.everyone has feelings so next time just love the one your with for her cause something made you fall in love with her from the start.

Share this post


Link to post

HI CaliforniaTiger,

I am the EX. partner of Tomboygirrl. I have not looked at this forum in a very long time. I will just say thank-you for what you said. I am still the same person today, that I was when she and I met. My weight stays pretty much the same. I was made to feel less than frequently, I felt ashamed of my body because of her comments and lack of sexual initiation. As she stated in her first post, she responded to me, but rarely initiated sex because she was not attracted to body...and here's the kicker. She put on nearly 40 lbs. in about a years time and never ONCE did I say anything other than to support her and be there for her. I didn't gain weight, I just stayed the same....I have been the same weight for YEARS.

Our relationship had many hurdles and we struggled. There were good times and those I still cherish, then there were the bad, insane, merry go round, walking on egg shell times and they were more and more frequent. The instanity had to stop. AS I got healthier in my boundaries, the relationship suffered. She got fearful of my doing things that didnt involve her, like opening my own business. Keep in mind, we NEVER lived together. I have 3 kids, she had one and an elderly Parent. 14 miles between us and she worked out of state. She was a jealous woman, having friendships were difficult, she never asked about my friends, and she looked down on them. She just didn't get who I was or what I was about. She was often resentful of my ability to be happy, the fact that I allowed my kids to make mistakes and learn from them. Love was difficult for her. What it came down to. I had to LOVE me MORE than I loved her. It was time to say enough, I had had it.

There was more to it than my weight, which by the way my CURRENT PARTNER LOVES me...all of me and she is a smaller woman than I am. She accepts me as I am, for my silliness, my happiness, my quirkiness and my creativity. For the way I raise my kids to the way I play the piano. I am NEVER, EVER made to feel LESS THAN. We are equal, the way it should be in a healthy relationship.

I am grateful for all that I went through with Tomboygirrl, I cherish the memory of her smile, the look of her blue eyes. She was a good woman, just not the woman for me. I wish her all the best, happiness and all that life has to offer her.

Share this post


Link to post

I'm sorry to hear of the pain that both of you suffered. A breakup is never easy - if you loved one another - no matter which side of the fence you were on.

I really hope more people read this thread and learn from it.

There are so many good qualities a person can bring to a relationship that are vitally important to the happiness and success of that relationship....and none of them have anything to do with how a person looks.

Once you've been in a few relationships, especially bad relationships, you start to really understand this.

I completely understand that we all have our preferences, and no one can make themselves feel attraction to a physical type they just aren't attracted to, but....take the time to think about what is most important to you in a life partner.

What are the qualities that will make you hang on through the bad times? Is it a slim waistline, or a cheerful smile through the rainy days of life?

You decide, and then go looking for those qualities in someone. Forget about all the rest - weight, eye color, race, height, scars/stretch marks, etc - because in the long run none of them matter.

Share this post


Link to post

I went through so many emotions reading this thread! I feel for the topic starter, as it was brave of them to ask for help so honestly, but they shouldn't have done it on a public forum. I feel for both of them, but I hope things are much better for them now.

I was going to lend some words of advice, but I couldn't say it better than Ang_23407! Beautiful advice!!! <3

Share this post


Link to post

This is a powerful thread, with a lot of insight. I don't think I can really add any insight, I just wanted to thank everyone for sharing. I really wish Tomboygrrl the best. I think everything happens for a reason (cliche, I know) and maybe she needed this experience so the next relationship would be better. Every partner adds something to our psyche to prepare us for what's next. I really admire the big girls that posted here. I'm a relatively big girl, always have been, and I struggle with self acceptance and worry how others perceive me. It's nice to know you're out there and happy...diggin the skin you're in. I've also struggled with the paradox of loving someone that doesn't fit my image of someone I should love. My last girlfriend was 20 years older than me, and we came from totally different worlds. We shared so much love and joy at home and together, but there were always awkward moments when we were out that made me feel self conscious. I always felt defensive of my choice to be with her. In the end, though, we split for other reasons, we still love and admire one another, and I am more ready for a life partner because she was in my life and showed me what that kind of commitment and love might feel like. I have dashed my expectations for my partner's image in exchange for expectations for the nature of our love. 

Share this post


Link to post

wow.. this all was a lot to take in. I first want to say I know how you must feel to not be attracted physically anymore to someone. I have had those feelings myself. But I also have been the self conscious one and not felt attractive because of how much weight I had gained. And that too made it hard for me to feel sexy enough to want to have sex. I know what it feels like to feel like my partner wants me to lose weight without them even saying anything but then again maybe it was just in my head since I felt so uncomfortable about it. It must have been hard for you to feel all these emotions and not know how to go about it. But it also must have been hard for you girl to know that she doesnt turn you on. What a low blow! I know I would be truly hurt about the subject whether I read it or it came out of my partners mouth. But if you have a deep connection and you love each other very much then there shouldnt be anything you cant discuss with each other. Especially if you keep respect in the conversation about each others feelings. I feel like she should respect how you feel just as well as you should respect how it must make her feel. I think the best motivation is having someone slap you in the face with reality that maybe she got a little too comfortable in the relationship and that you are there no matter what. That you will be there working out with her and helping her along with her struggles. Cuz I know when my partner didnt have interest in helping me with my struggles I was encouraged to find someone at the gym who would. Not that I would cheat but it showed me that what was important to me wasnt important to my partner and that I was virtually on my own anyway. If you were supportive of her and helped her in a loving way and not such a demeaning way it would help both her AND you. But now she is hurt. Now she feels so self conscience and disrespected. So of course she doesnt want to talk. I can understand why she wouldnt. The one person who was supposed to love her no matter what let her down and hurt her feelings and self esteem. It makes you feel not good enough. So, if she truly is the one you want then you fight for her. No matter how bad it hurts you, youre not the one that matters now. Just because you did something to "disrespect" her so deeply in her eyes. You fight and show her that you cant live without her. You messed up and went about it the wrong way in her eyes and you have to redeem yourself... the right way.. whatever that may be. If she doesnt respond and she is really over it then you have to move on. As sucky as it sounds and cheesy and whatever the saying has proven itself true over and over and over that if you love something set it free.. if it was meant to be it will always find a way. This will make you stronger no matter the outcome. If you work it out then you went thru a true challenge and your relationship should be stronger and more open to discussing difficult topics the right way. If you dont work it out then you have to give yourself grieving time and one day you will be able to stand strong on your own two feet and move forward from it. I have been through the hardest of breakups. I never want to go thru it again and they make me feel like im dying. But eventually one day it gets easier and you realize you can survive on your own and you give yourself time to work on your own flaws to set yourself up for your next relationship. Always learn from your mistakes from your past relationships and gain some self esteem. Theres nothing sexier than a woman with confidence not only in herself but in her abilities to love and respect her partner. I wish you luck and hope things turn out for the better.

Share this post


Link to post

Hmm, well in a way I understand, and in another way I think its harsh. You see in my case, I am in your girlfriend's shoes. When I met my boyfriend of four years now, I was a skinny girl (size 9-10 in JRs, 14 in kids); with a fast metabolism.

I'd always been like that, and despite my large appetite, I could not gain weight. However, I began taking birth control at 22, and had a reaction to all three brands I attempted to take. One side affect I was not counting on was a 40 lb weight increase. That was just the begging. It got to a point where it felt like I could look at food and gain weight, and I strongly believe it has majorly effected my metabolism/body composition. When the weight gain started, I did start exersizing, as I had grew up taking dance/gymnastics, so I was sure I could fix things.

But it did not and I've given up exersizing on and off. In 2012, for personal reasons I became a vegetarian. It wasn't an expectation to lose weight, but I didn't expect to gain another 20-30 lbs to start. I am now between an 18-20 in plus size women's.  My diet is not amazing, I only get maybe 20% of protein i should per day. My bf does not understand, thinks that exersize is the answer and that I'm lazy.

That's partially true as I work full time, take full time online courses and just want to relax with any free time I get. For some people, losing weight does not come easy and we tend to lose our faith / motivation. So I can very much understand her side, and while I feel guilty that I do not look the same as I did when he met me, its hard for me to believe I will ever be that size again. I'm not positive that I want to be, because in my opinion, I was nothing but skin and bone with no shape. Now I have shape. It has given me a confidence I didn't have then. But I mean, to each his/her own. I hope you can learn to understand and accept her for who she is now. She's still the same girl you fell for. Just a bit more cushion ;)

Share this post


Link to post

Please sign in to comment

You will be able to leave a comment after signing in



Sign In Now