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a heavy topic "overweight"

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tomboygirrl first off i want to say I am sorry for the lose of your girl.I will say this the way you went about it all sure hurt her.But now in the long run your the one hurting.I myself am a heavyset woman and the way i see it and say it I am happy being me.If others do not like my looks or body there lose I dont care.Cause the one who has to be happy is me.I do things just fine and still enjoy life the way I am.I am a very honest woman with a kind loving heart.I have a lot of good things about me that is hard to find.So to me that out ways the weigth issuse.I am not a bad looking woman being heavyset I take good care of myself in all ways I can.I believe everyone has good and bad in them and should except people for who they are not try to change them.that is the problem now today to many people try to change others to there standards of life.To many people judge people for the weight, looks, money, there race,body, the height, disabilitys, what ever.and not for the real person from the heart.all other things can and more less change as time goes bye in years or time.But the one with a kind loving gentle heart true honest kind of person is more to stay with you and stick by your side.what i am saying to judge somone can heart has you found out.everyone has feelings so next time just love the one your with for her cause something made you fall in love with her from the start.
I am a very honest caring woman with a heart of gold.I can be soft like a teddy bear but wild like a tiger


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HI CaliforniaTiger,
I am the EX. partner of Tomboygirrl. I have not looked at this forum in a very long time. I will just say thank-you for what you said. I am still the same person today, that I was when she and I met. My weight stays pretty much the same. I was made to feel less than frequently, I felt ashamed of my body because of her comments and lack of sexual initiation. As she stated in her first post, she responded to me, but rarely initiated sex because she was not attracted to body...and here's the kicker. She put on nearly 40 lbs. in about a years time and never ONCE did I say anything other than to support her and be there for her. I didn't gain weight, I just stayed the same....I have been the same weight for YEARS.

Our relationship had many hurdles and we struggled. There were good times and those I still cherish, then there were the bad, insane, merry go round, walking on egg shell times and they were more and more frequent. The instanity had to stop. AS I got healthier in my boundaries, the relationship suffered. She got fearful of my doing things that didnt involve her, like opening my own business. Keep in mind, we NEVER lived together. I have 3 kids, she had one and an elderly Parent. 14 miles between us and she worked out of state. She was a jealous woman, having friendships were difficult, she never asked about my friends, and she looked down on them. She just didn't get who I was or what I was about. She was often resentful of my ability to be happy, the fact that I allowed my kids to make mistakes and learn from them. Love was difficult for her. What it came down to. I had to LOVE me MORE than I loved her. It was time to say enough, I had had it.

There was more to it than my weight, which by the way my CURRENT PARTNER LOVES me...all of me and she is a smaller woman than I am. She accepts me as I am, for my silliness, my happiness, my quirkiness and my creativity. For the way I raise my kids to the way I play the piano. I am NEVER, EVER made to feel LESS THAN. We are equal, the way it should be in a healthy relationship.

I am grateful for all that I went through with Tomboygirrl, I cherish the memory of her smile, the look of her blue eyes. She was a good woman, just not the woman for me. I wish her all the best, happiness and all that life has to offer her.


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I'm sorry to hear of the pain that both of you suffered. A breakup is never easy - if you loved one another - no matter which side of the fence you were on.

I really hope more people read this thread and learn from it.

There are so many good qualities a person can bring to a relationship that are vitally important to the happiness and success of that relationship....and none of them have anything to do with how a person looks.

Once you've been in a few relationships, especially bad relationships, you start to really understand this.

I completely understand that we all have our preferences, and no one can make themselves feel attraction to a physical type they just aren't attracted to, but....take the time to think about what is most important to you in a life partner.

What are the qualities that will make you hang on through the bad times? Is it a slim waistline, or a cheerful smile through the rainy days of life?

You decide, and then go looking for those qualities in someone. Forget about all the rest - weight, eye color, race, height, scars/stretch marks, etc - because in the long run none of them matter.


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I went through so many emotions reading this thread! I feel for the topic starter, as it was brave of them to ask for help so honestly, but they shouldn't have done it on a public forum. I feel for both of them, but I hope things are much better for them now.

I was going to lend some words of advice, but I couldn't say it better than Ang_23407! Beautiful advice!!! <3

"Be yourself. No one else can do it better!" =^_^=


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This is a powerful thread, with a lot of insight. I don't think I can really add any insight, I just wanted to thank everyone for sharing. I really wish Tomboygrrl the best. I think everything happens for a reason (cliche, I know) and maybe she needed this experience so the next relationship would be better. Every partner adds something to our psyche to prepare us for what's next. I really admire the big girls that posted here. I'm a relatively big girl, always have been, and I struggle with self acceptance and worry how others perceive me. It's nice to know you're out there and happy...diggin the skin you're in. I've also struggled with the paradox of loving someone that doesn't fit my image of someone I should love. My last girlfriend was 20 years older than me, and we came from totally different worlds. We shared so much love and joy at home and together, but there were always awkward moments when we were out that made me feel self conscious. I always felt defensive of my choice to be with her. In the end, though, we split for other reasons, we still love and admire one another, and I am more ready for a life partner because she was in my life and showed me what that kind of commitment and love might feel like. I have dashed my expectations for my partner's image in exchange for expectations for the nature of our love. :idea:
"Diggin' the skin I'm in."


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wow.. this all was a lot to take in. I first want to say I know how you must feel to not be attracted physically anymore to someone. I have had those feelings myself. But I also have been the self conscious one and not felt attractive because of how much weight I had gained. And that too made it hard for me to feel sexy enough to want to have sex. I know what it feels like to feel like my partner wants me to lose weight without them even saying anything but then again maybe it was just in my head since I felt so uncomfortable about it. It must have been hard for you to feel all these emotions and not know how to go about it. But it also must have been hard for you girl to know that she doesnt turn you on. What a low blow! I know I would be truly hurt about the subject whether I read it or it came out of my partners mouth. But if you have a deep connection and you love each other very much then there shouldnt be anything you cant discuss with each other. Especially if you keep respect in the conversation about each others feelings. I feel like she should respect how you feel just as well as you should respect how it must make her feel. I think the best motivation is having someone slap you in the face with reality that maybe she got a little too comfortable in the relationship and that you are there no matter what. That you will be there working out with her and helping her along with her struggles. Cuz I know when my partner didnt have interest in helping me with my struggles I was encouraged to find someone at the gym who would. Not that I would cheat but it showed me that what was important to me wasnt important to my partner and that I was virtually on my own anyway. If you were supportive of her and helped her in a loving way and not such a demeaning way it would help both her AND you. But now she is hurt. Now she feels so self conscience and disrespected. So of course she doesnt want to talk. I can understand why she wouldnt. The one person who was supposed to love her no matter what let her down and hurt her feelings and self esteem. It makes you feel not good enough. So, if she truly is the one you want then you fight for her. No matter how bad it hurts you, youre not the one that matters now. Just because you did something to "disrespect" her so deeply in her eyes. You fight and show her that you cant live without her. You messed up and went about it the wrong way in her eyes and you have to redeem yourself... the right way.. whatever that may be. If she doesnt respond and she is really over it then you have to move on. As sucky as it sounds and cheesy and whatever the saying has proven itself true over and over and over that if you love something set it free.. if it was meant to be it will always find a way. This will make you stronger no matter the outcome. If you work it out then you went thru a true challenge and your relationship should be stronger and more open to discussing difficult topics the right way. If you dont work it out then you have to give yourself grieving time and one day you will be able to stand strong on your own two feet and move forward from it. I have been through the hardest of breakups. I never want to go thru it again and they make me feel like im dying. But eventually one day it gets easier and you realize you can survive on your own and you give yourself time to work on your own flaws to set yourself up for your next relationship. Always learn from your mistakes from your past relationships and gain some self esteem. Theres nothing sexier than a woman with confidence not only in herself but in her abilities to love and respect her partner. I wish you luck and hope things turn out for the better.

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