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Reasons for dating interacially?

Im a 22y/o black woman located in Des Moines Iowa (a very mixed community).

Growing up I was raised around black women who had veiws against black men who dated ONLY white women. From time to time I had this attitude as well (until I discovered who gives a shit about men in general). My family usually veiwed this as a weakness on the mans part. Not to mention I also experianced homophobia growing up and had to hide my true feelings for years by submitting to homophobia and even getting married (now divorced but it was my choice and my way of denying myself).

When I first discovered that I was lesbian. It was a white woman who caught my eye. I caught her eye as well and for a while instead of just taking it as her being attracted to me I always suspected that she thought of me as being no good and up to something because of my skin (I was sometimes shown thats how whites act tword blacks). I'd never expect that she liked black women, until one day she said something to me. Then I knew her stares and watching me was just simply attraction.

This womans simple attraction eventually helped me think things over and discover that I felt better with women (we never hooked up).

Anyways I started going out to the gay scenes and realised that there really are not many black people who are out and about. I basically found myself around 98% white people.

When I'd dance and sometimes became touchy with women they was almost always white. Don't get me wrong, If a cute black woman came to me and I liked the personallity I'll talk to her and see what happens. But when dancing with these white women I'd have this feeling.

I liked it NOT JUST because they were white but because they were different. Kind of how some people will only date butch and others will only date Femme, men will only date women and vice versa (no matter the race) etc. etc. I liked the fact of having a opposite. I felt that because of this I could teach things and be taught about the difference in cultures if I ever have a relationship.

And I also noticed that some of the black lesbian woman had the same veiws on the issue and wouldn't approach me even if I wasn't near a white woman. I met a gay guy who only dated black men because he said he needed a opposite and didn't want to have EVERY thing in common with his mate.

I've just recently came out. So I haven't dated really. But I was just wondering if its wrong to feel this way about the opposite thing. When I become attracted to people rather black asian hispanic, white Im attracted to them personally. No matter if a person is white or of color if I don't like them, I won't go for them.

This is just a small feeling I encountered when being around white women or women of a different heritage. Attraction goes beyond a persons skin.

Has anyone else dated interracially and had this feeling? Or has anyone ever in general thought of it as opposites attract? And if you would date interacially would you like it because you would be able to embrace one anothers cultures wich are different or semi different.

Sorry for any bad grammer!

Ray gay 

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damn....great post, and please don't apologize for grammer...thats just silly. Anyway...I think that for black women in amerika (dealing with historical context...) it is important that we examine certain behaviors that we (black women) have picked up absent-mindly. Like for example...for the longest time...I had a chemical relaxer in my hair, and to be honest with you I didn't understand why. It's "normal", for black women in amerika and abroad to mask their beauty (i.e. natural hair), because of internalized (absent-minded) self-hatred. It's quite simple, if you grow up thinking that there is something wrong with you...your not gonna go out and date someone who is exactly like you...and sadly, that is the case with ALOT of black men and women...who date women and men of other races exclusivley. ANd by the way, you are in Iowa...I live in Brooklyn, New York...the gay community would love you here. SANKOFA. 

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ZimbaBwe I'd like to E-mail you one on one sometimes. Yes I use to relax my hair on a regular basis also. I soon discovered that it wasn't necessary because I was happy with my natural "grade" of hair. I have natural curely hair. After I stopped perming and letting it naturally curel I noticed I attracted more women of all races. Some reason more white women in particular. Im not at all knocking black people but the reason why I probably attract more white women is because the fact that black women are not attracted to this natural beauty. And thats where your issue on TV images come in. If I had to say Beyonce is a fine sista but to be honest I wouldn't want a woman like that be shes to damn fake. I'll take a sistah like Alicia keys or Missy E (when she was meaty) they are natural. Don't get me wrong I don't have frizzy looking hair its more of the shiny wet curely look LOL (I still use the hair products to look good).

In general I like more natural women. I don't like all the make up and foundation and things like that. I like to be myself and think my partner should be the same no matter what color.

And its not just a issue of black women trying to hold up to the images on Television. White women do it to and in any race I can't bare to be with someone who has to keep this image up like Paris Hilton or Beyonce Knowles. Im not saying that I have absolutly no prefrence when it comes to women. There are some ducks out there.

I'd rather have a black woman with dreads then a woman with track all through out their hair. I'd rather have a thick white girl then one whos obsessed with being thin. I'd perfectly be fine with a none make up wearing hispanic women instead of one with lip liner. Don't get me wrong I've done the weave thing before but realised it wasn't me.

I have no problem with who I am. In fact I embrace my culture all the way down to the fact that my religion goes deep down in the roots of Africa.

I have had so many black people tell me Im a sell out because of the music I listen to and so on (no I just choose to be Raychelle). You don't have to be a sell out because you like things that are different then "What mostly depicts your people". I don't like rap all that much, I personally think it puts a bad image out on black people by black people. And thats why Im so quick to want to teach others. And not to say all things about rap put out bad images. They can also be too good and totally ignore the reality of the bad things going on in the black community (such as will smith who tries to sugar coat it). Then theres tupac who says it like it is. But some shit is just nonsense. People rappin constantly about they have 28 inch rims and 10,000 hoes and guns. I don't give a shit about all that. Put me some BB King and then I will listen about how it is. Give me a trance/ Techno cd without no words then I can deeply think about things. Thats just who I am.

Its just that when I am with a white women I have this 6th sense sort of a connection. I feel like a teacher and I can teach. Just like when I was with a man I liked to be opposite in the since of teaching him my feminine qualities. Thats where we was different, then we was able to see things from a different point of veiw male and female. I feel that through my teaching of my culture and background Im also embracing it. And I can also listen and learn as well.

To be honest I feel that in the bi racial/interracial community this is sometimes a problem amongst the children. I have a woman (whom I consider my aunt) she is white, her daughter is mixed. She swears up and down she'd be mad if her daughter came home with a white man. This is wrong, she should be teaching her daughter about both her black culture and white culture.

In order to embrace who you are yourself people should learn who others are. By me doing this and having the ability to teach someone about me and who I am I start to learn the simularities of who we both are as one.

Thats why rather black or white, asian or hispanic I'd never really want to be with someone whos to much like me. It won't work out.

Right now Im pretty much at the point that I will not date a man. I don't like it, its not for me. But at the same time I say with a woman I already have one thing in common, we are women. So when I do get to talk to someone of a different race theres that difference. And thats that opposite I like. As I said before men and women are opposite so theres a obvious reason why we have so many straight people. But I also like people who are just themselves and not makeing a title. Thats our problem we title to much and it seperates everything. Titless people are what I really seak.

Im fresh to the lesbian game and Im pretty proud of being gay. And its nice to be a black women who is appreciated by all women. But maybe its because the sterotypes I've heard I never in a million years thought that a white women would give a girl like me any attention. Of course when I was married who would of guessed that my first husband would be a mixed race European doctor (that was part of me that I had to change because I didn't feel worthy of someone of "higer stature"). But when it happend it (the white female manager liking me) it taught me to be proud to be a black women because I realised I am a beautiful person in general.

But growing up its always been that whites have given me more attention. Blacks just never really noticed me. Or they use to always have something to say about who I am. I try to be individual for one.

And its sad that because people don't have a link of individuality they snear upon their own people. And thats what I experianced through my 22 years on this earth. I do not like people who neglect who they are as an individual. I have a friend who is a big girl and has such low self esteem everyday I try to pound it in her head. Its who you are and there is someone out there who will appreciate it. And this preception of what tv shows isn't a good one.

This guy who was my Ex friend argued with me on the day I told him I was homosexual and wouldn't sleep with him. He told me I was wrong in gods name and its just not normal in general. I told him well, if everyone one on TV, in magazines and in books was gay or lesbian then you would be too (because its normal). And all the heterosexuals would be called the queers. He couldn't say much. Thats how I know television effects us in a bad way.

Same as if all the couples on Tv were interracial from the time we started watching televison then the ones who stuck to their own race would be odd.

But since tv isn't interracial and it blinds together with pride. We get this big ol ball of whos neglecting there race whos race is better. Along with the images of what they put up and lack of self esteem it becomes a filter for some to filter out whats right and whats wrong, and deny who they are on a personal level of personality and then we get the titles. And since so many people has opposing veiws it conflicts.

Wow! I know I kind of went off the subject and got technical about it. But I hope this explains why I don't mind interracial relationships because it actually helps me spread my knowledge of who I am and it also helps me learn who others are as well.

In Iowa there a very little black gays here. And if so its mostly guys. The black women who are lesbian either only hangs near the straight women (trying to turn them out) or they are taken by a white women. We are so scarce here in Iowa. Although in Des moines theres quite a few black people in general. Maybe someday I'll get out of little ol Iowa and explore the whole color of the gay community. I really really hope to some day.

I had a couple nice black women come talk to me.

Im very new to the game I just came out probably 3 to 4 months ago. I just started exploring the scene as well.


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Ray, I know how you feel. I'm mixed race (black/italian/native american/jewish/russian/irish), I'm a light brown and you can see my blue/green veins with no problem. The only women who have been attracted to me and have had the nerve to approach me about it have been white/hispanic women. I'm from Philadelphia and one of my favorite clubs to hang out at is Shampoo because on Friday is GLBT night, but like you, 95% of the people who are there are white. Every woman I have danced with was white and my last 2 long term relationships have been with white women. Here it's hard to find all the lesbians of color because they rarely come to GLBT clubs or Pride events and so if you're like me you like to go out and have fun at events no matter who's throwing it, but when you get there the only people you encounter are white/hispanic.

Also my black family has issues with colorism. I was always lighter than all of them and they tortured me for it for years. Yet, my jewish/russian/irish family welcomed me with open arms and never had a harsh thing to say to me. They embraced me, loved my curly/wavy hair, and encouraged me to never change. When I told them I was a lesbian they thought it was great and made my girlfriends feel like part of the family. I haven't told my black family members b/c they're homophobics. But pretty soon I will be away from them and free to be who I am no matter who knows.

Congrats on coming out! and good luck finding a good woman.

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Thanks for responding to my post.

Another thing I would like to mention. When you do end up dating someone white or outside of your race. It seems like some people automatically judge you as a sell out and that your denying who you are. When as we said before in fact black people alot of times only have a few selection (amongst the lesbian community). Hmmm I guess its not a Iowa thing! Are black lesbians rare?

Yes Im also in a trapped situation. I live at home and Im looking forward to moving soon. I feel trapped and I have so much energy I wanna get out since I discovered Im a true fag. I LOVE IT! Its always a constant weight to have to try and please family all because I was raised up hearing that white women are inferior and black people who date white women are sell outs or inferior as well. And what is the main stereotype? The main one I hear is that the only reason why black people date white women are because they are submissive and the black persons weak minded. What a bunch of crap.

If thats true then how come I've seen lots of black women bowing down just like they stereo type these white women. Especially the ones who are with the LAME ASS EXCUSE OF A MAN *heteroly speaking. Shit to be honest seeing this mess is part of what encouraged me to become openly gay. Although I only have one foot out the closet. I admire the black woman rather straight or gay who refuses to stand for being mistreated. I know a black woman right now who has a white girlfriend who runs her like a hampster on a wheel and if she doesn't get her way then she will go off (the girl won't leave her). This is what confirms that all white women are not submissive and all blacks are not dominant.

When I do find my woman and if she is white. I will be sure to let her meet my family and friends no matter who is against the queer-ian-ism or the interracialness. I feel that way I will filter out those who do not accept me. Coming out has already revealed that some people are NOT my true friends. And I take that as a positive. Why because I now know.

And I hate it when people automatically assume that if Im dating a white woman I WON'T DATE A SISTAH. I get that one alot. Does anyone else who has dated interracially?

Personally in the end I have no preference when it comes to race. I don't think it should be a big issue. But the point of the matter is that these same people (people in general) who want the world to be a certain image is the same people who neglect the image of what they want to set.

Community plays a big role. I encourage black women to come and mingle amongst everyone. Its wrong to supress yourself to one place, thats how you overlook the few of your own out there that are spreading amongst the crowd.

To be proud of who you are is part of being open minded. To learn who you are is part of learning who others are.

Im glade you respond to my post. Its good to know that Im not the only sistah who seems to catch the attention of white women. Who knows maybe some day that right sistah will come up and talk to me. If not then life goes on. Its no big deal. No racial preferance here. I refuse to surpress myself because of skin color. The right person is all about what I would observes as the right personality.

I however will embrace my culture. And I suggest everyone no matter what race to do the same. But do not force it on another and pretend to be superior because of your culture. Some have experianced this growing up. And it will either surpress some (rather its denying who they are or denying who others are) and encourage others to move and discover a wider veiw of themselves and everyone else.

Take care

Ray gay

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raychelle, you know i have never heard anyone explain their attraction to folks of other races as their 'opposite.' made me think! being a femme who's into butches, i feel you on this level of being attracted to opposites. i agree with zimbabwe too, though, it's good to understand what motivates our attractions so not to continue the self-hatred we learned, and then continue to hurt ourselves. i certainly had to look deep into my own shizznik.

i'm a mixed gurl (latina & white). i'm a mixed gurl who grew up hating how light she was, wishing for brown eyes and black hair and then also hating those things that came from my latino (native) side: my wide nose, my height (i am SO short lol). i was raised around racist and prejudiced people who knew the right things to say in front of people of color, or people of different ethnic/racial/national identities, but had a whole other set of beliefs that came forth in the privacy of their own homes. i was a lil confused, to say the least.

i always date people who are different from me (i'm a specific blend of things i don't often find in others), but i'm not sure i'd say they are my opposites. i'm not even sure i know what that would mean for me! *laugh* thanks for you topic though.

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Ray, I have been hassled so many times about why I date white/hispanic women, why I haven't dated a black woman. Many people don't know this, but when I was 10 my first lesbian relationship was with a black girl who was 2 years older than me and that relationship lasted until I was 16. Only after our relationship end did I begin to date other women and the first women who approached me were white and I have had long successful relationships. People have called me a race trader and even said that I'm trying to act white, but I can't act like what I already am half of. In terms of being a trader I would rather be with a whie woman that makes me happy and feel good about myself than a black who treats me like shit, all for the sake of staying true to your race.

The black community is so uptight about race and homosexuality that if they would just open their eyes and realize that this world is diverse and pretty soon we're all going to be the same color. When are we going to start loving and embracing our differences instead of tearing each other down?

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I also agree with Zimbabwe. It is WRONG not to embrace who you are on your own personal level. And this isn't at all just with race, just as I said before I totally stopped straightening my hair and let it fall naturally curely. I learned to except that my body and self is beautiful. And Im very proud of my copper skin and brown eyes. Thats just how i look and nothing can change it. I think people who are always trying to change themselves or skin colors has some form of insecurity. White women should not tan. Why risk getting skin cancer just to temporarily be brown. Black women don't need weave,why have a itchy scalp for long hair.

If you was to see me you'd look at me and say Im nothing but a black woman. If you would look at my mother and grandmother you'd say they are mixed with something. My family has a close connection of german our ancestory.

When I was straight I was married to a man who was of white (dutch/belgium) Asian and black heritage (his nationality was British). Once he came to the United States he said he'd prefer to be around black people only. I told him he shouldn't deny his heritage. He started dissing European people and felt Americans where the better bunch. And soon after he was convinced that his children could never come out with blue eyes (although his father was blond hair blue eyes). See this is a good example how blind people become when they start denying themselves.

Just like the women who constantly vomit to stay thin. Or the ones who plaster make up on for hours to look beautiful then look a mess.

Im in deed proud about everything I am. It took me a while to realise this. Truthfully in the past I only dated blacks. And maybe the supression about being around only blacks made me a little confused because I didn't feel right and maybe a little racist. I know I keep stressing it but when I discovered more then black people begin telling me Im beautiful thats when I realised Im a true beautiful black woman and everyone thinks it. Even me.

Take care Everyone and embrace who you are.


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Been reading off and on throught the posts, and I read a very good article in "More" magazine today...its this magazine for women 40+.

Anyhow, its interesting how our desires change with age/experience with relationships, etc. Reading on the 'what attracts' on these posts, I see alot of reference to the physical. I remember in my twenties it was always the physical attraction (you know, you meet someone, look in their eyes, get that all warm oozy feeling inside, LOL), and about, lets say, three months into the relationship, little things start to pop up and you begin to have doubts and find its not so easy to put up that best front (this varies from person to person but I do think it applies to some degree for everyone).

And, when you are older, (and this may also depend on type of relationships/experiences, such as in my case one divorce, three longterm relationships, i.e., year or two and several short term, being single and then married again, etc), and I have dated interracially although for me it wasn't that I was attracted to certain 'types' but instead, I was attracted to the person.

And that attraction, which of course now is stronger, for me was the ability to make me laugh. And reading today its been deemed as the most important quality in relationships (polls from women 40+) and some said it was just As important as the sexual. I can see that, I mean for me, it doesn't matter if one wears makeup or not (if it suits her, it suits her, it if doesn't, it doesn't), or what they do to their hair, etc., as long as its her expression of herself.

In all my relationships that were special, the one element (whether male or female, platonic or physical) was the ability to relax, no pretense, be able to not take life too seriously All the time, I mean I am a serious person but I am also, very silly, and if a person/s and me can sit and laugh our asses off well then, to me thats like the ultimate thrill and I can laugh at some pretty stupid things. Ever heard of the term 'slap happy', you know when you are kids/or teens and can sit up all night drinking soda/or eating candy (like come on, How many of us were Health conscious at That age, LOL...and if you say you were I won't believe you 

but if you can have that type of laughter with your lover, well, all the other, becomes somewhat not as important. I remember dating these men who were like these gorgeous just to cream for, but I really don't remember any of them making me laugh or me them really, because it was always about pretense, lookism, status, being 'chic', etc etc...

but as I got older, (and added to the belt alot of heartache/hard knocks, etc) I found that what attracted me about a person (regardless of race) was their ability to talk about anything and make it interesting, or their zest for life (even the simple things), or their dreams (no matter how ludicrous they may sound), and especially, their ability to connect below the surface (and no I'm not talking about below the panty lines, LOL, although that too, was/and still is important!)

So I would think it would be interesting to see, how many of the kinds of attractions I read about here will change, lets say like in twenty years.

On another note, I do watch alot of Spanish television, now I dont' understand a word of Spanish, LOL, but I have always loved Spanish television and foreign films. (They have better movies and I like the color, the zest and the dancing and the style, etc). And I do have to say, that I have always thought dark skin women, both Latino and African American, and Asian women just beautiful, Arab women too ( and men as well),

but I also find white women too, beautiful. But I have never thought of it as an opposite type thing, in fact, I have dark features but medium/kind of a light olive but not olive--skin and have found (reading these posts made me think about it, something I really haven't thought about) that I am attracted to dark hair/skin people more often than light skin/blonde hair, I emphasize on more often because I have been attracted to both. So in my case, it would be more commonality/or close too...and too, I think red hair and very light skin is like magical almost...

but I would have to wonder, too, if that isn't because I am an artist, love abstract, color, blends, etc., and just see things differently. And I have noticed (after thinking about it) that over time, even those attractions (based on physical) have changed, actually have become more inclusive...

so, ah, its a mystery I suppose and can vary from person to person. But I do think, dark skin women are beautiful and that may have alot to do with why white women prefer to date dark skin women, not just because of opposite but because women of color really are beautiful (and often times I don't think They know just how beautiful they are).

Yet I can see too, where opposites are attractive too (and I do also think we have to really look within our selves as well, in regards to internalizations, to understand ourselves, grown, etc) because if our attractions is somewhat narrow defined or exlusionary (on physical here) then yes, I would have to wonder about that, if there isn't some other interpersonal reasons for this...

and I Know we are enriched by expanding our circle and stepping out of our comfort zones (not to do so in self-hate, etc, not speaking about that) but to be more inclusionary. For example, I had this friend (she moved to L.A. years ago, we lost contact over time but to this day, wow, what an influence she had and why I am an artist (not professional or anything yet...never know) today...

She lived in a duplex across from mine, and she was an artist. She was Korean American and she died her hair this bright orange like red, (she is the one who taught me how to color my eyebrows with mascara, lol), but anyhow, she was like, So eccentric....all her walls (in a Rental, LOL) were painted with murals and I remember (ROFL) she painted her bathroom like pitch black (oh, when she moved the landlord bout had a cow) with these gold stars on the ceiling, so celestial, but anyway,

I was like, so straight laced and so uptight about alot of things, but I was like, drawn to her, and we would spend hours talking and eating and running to the 7-11. I remember, she would wear these hideous looking waitress looking tops (but She could carry them off and she looked great in them) and these like, orange checkered pants/bellbottoms that would drag the ground, and she always walked to the 7-11 barefooted, even in the rain. And I loved her, I mean, she was like the most free spirit and joyous person, she quit art school, said it was too restrictive (and I was like, oh no, no you can't do that, etc -- now 9 years later I understand and today I'd be like, You go girl)

but I mean, wow, she really changed my world, I didn't see it then, but after she moved, I grieved. It was like, this big whole in my life, and I remember going through the duplex after she moved out, it was empty but all her art was there, on the walls, those impressions that I understood because we spent hours discussing art, etc. And she had left some tablets behind, just some of her scribblings/dabbles and I still have them today, and she left this dress, something I would never wear then, with a note, to me.

I took the dress home, cried, and put it up in my closet. We wrote and a year later she married, I moved to another side of town, she moved again, and we lost contact. Who would have thought, years later, I would take up studying literature (Russian) and art, begin to create my own works (although mine is different and I wouldn't want it any other way, neither would she) but meeting her, getting to know her, etc,., not only opened my eyes (because she was not afraid in challenging you and she had this unique way of seeing things and pulling them out) but opened up alot of doors, those closed internal doors that we too often never open within ourselves either due to inhibitions or simply not allowing ourselves to break out of our own tombs that we've cacooned ourselves in.

I guess you could say she was one of my first (and greatest) inspirations and any success I may have in the area of my work, I would definately have to say that the inner spark was alot of her influence.

So, point is, 'don't limit yourself', and don't be afraid to step out of what is comfortable because you never know, that Latino with the lip liner may just rock your universe (or any other woman that you normally wouldn't be attracted to -- same goes for friendships, other relationships, etc).

And you know, LOL, I pulled out that dress the other day, and on my first date with a woman, think I'm going to wear it (well, thats if it isn't like some 20 degrees, LOL) because its so vibrant and colorful, velvet and just so alive...why not. LOL And besides, I am always looking for a reason to buy new shoes, LOL.

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Attraction is a funny thing. It’s like Raychell_E was saying about opposites. When I was denying who I am and looking for a guy most of the guys I was interested in were white, and that’s because they’re different. I grew up with black men, and there were only black men at the church I attended. The last guy I was interested in was southern and country too and surprisingly that gave us enough in common so that we had something comfortable that we knew, but being different races kept it so we don’t find each other boring (still friends).

As far as women go it’s totally different. Mostly I’m attracted to black women. New to the lesbian dating world, so I don’t know what kind of woman I’d actually end up dating. Always wondered about that and it makes me laugh because I grew up with black women and there were only black women in the church I attended, so why aren't I mostly interested in white women. With guys it boiled down to personality in the end and I figure it’ll be the same with women.

The guys at work don’t quite know what to do with me. They always say that I’m not your typical black girl I’m not how they expected a black woman to be. I really don’t like rap and hip hop. Like some soul. Most of the ‘black’ music I listen to is the old stuff. I love Etta James. But if you turn on the radio in my car you’ll get one of the local rock stations. That and my job and the way I talk and some of my political views has caused people in my family to tell me I’ve sold out. I just reuse to carry the baggage that seems to be required to be a good black person. My father has told me you might as well be white on several occasions. One of his nephews told me he thought he had dialed the wrong number and got a white persons house when he called one day. One lady at church told me she was surprised I didn’t come home from college with a white guy. Wasn’t in a good mood that day so I left it alone. It was like she was saying a black person wouldn’t find me attractive. I work outside so every summer I get a little darker. When my mom’s older sister saw me at the end of the first summer she said I wasn’t her ‘little yellow baby anymore.’ She’s stopped herself several times, but I know she wants to tell me that a light skinned guy won’t be attracted to me if I keep getting darker. We’ll see what she says if I show up at the next family function with a light skinned woman. With all the stuff that goes on in life family should be the place we come for comfort and total acceptance, but never quite seems to work out that way. It’s caused me to change my definition of family. My family are those who understand me and have accepted who I am and we agree to disagree. Whether or not we share DNA. All those others are people who I happen to share DNA with. Bothers my mom that I’ll do more for my friends than the people I share DNA with. I just decided to stop putting myself in situations where I know I’ll be hurt or end up in a fight. Then she goes I may need them someday. All I can come up with for needing them is a kidney or bone marrow or something like that if I get sick and I may be able to find a donor who’s not related.

I gave up on putting the chemicals in my hair years ago. I’d get a relaxer, my hair would break off, I’d be really good and condition it, wore a wig so I didn’t have to play with it much, it would grow back, and I’d try a different relaxer and start the process again. Doesn’t help that I have really sensitive skin and no matter how long the stylist left it in I’d have awful burns and my hair is so thick that it never got as straight as I wanted because the chemical couldn’t stay on very long. Did that for years trying to fit into a world I knew I didn’t belong in. Have dreads now and what seemed like a small decision turned out to affect my life a lot. The cousin who calls me white the most said he was amazed someone who acts as white as I do has them. He’s the only person, besides my sister, who I’ve gotten into a physical altercation with. It’s amazing how much we’re wrapped up in our hair and how much importance is placed on it.

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I grew up in Long Beach, CA. While it may not be as diverse as everyone may assume race or nationality-wise, there are all walks of life, which I do appreciate especially when I lived in Kansas for a year; it wasn't bad, just different).

My family also did not care for interracial dating - or friendships, for that matter. No, they weren't racist, and they didn't persecute people for their race or nationality, but when I brought a friend home and he or she happened to be anything but black, it raised eyebrows and made my family wonder, "Why doesn't she have any black friends? Does she hate her own race?" No one took into account that the schools I went to as a kid were not racially diverse. No one took into account that the reason my friends were different races was because the black people I met did not see me as "black enough" to hang out with them. But I digress (forgive me if I go off on tangents; it's a nasty habit of mine).

My first lesbian relationship was with a white woman as well. It's very easy, in my opinion, to naturally be attracted to white women when first coming out. I'm not saying that other races aren't attractive or sexy or whatever. I'm saying (and this is really sad) that minorities (as a whole) generally are not as accepting of open homosexuality.

Personally, I don't care what race or nationality a woman is in the long run, but I will admit that it's very different (NOT NECESSARILY BETTER) to date outside of your race. There's also nothing wrong with preference, and I see something very wrong with the fact that the GLBTQ (add IP if you really want to be P.C.) community fought - and still fights today - to not be judge based on their sexual preference (don't go dragging me into a preference vs. orientation discussion now; I'm just making a point here), and yet our community continues to judge within itself.

Has this made ANY sense to ANYBODY?! I feel like I've been rambling aimlessly.

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I'm south African and of mixed race. ( white, black, Indian) in my family the spectrum vastfrom white looking to indian looking to black looking. even though we are all classified as coloured because we are mixed the cultural dynamics also differ. Some of us tend towards Zulu culture, some to Muslim and some have declared themselves white and don't acknowledge the rest of us.I've dated across the spectrum and find that culture place a major role. Racism is rife in south Africa still. 'we can be friends but don't marry MY son or daughter' and its not just white people, its everyone across the board. Sad very sad. Yes I know we are a young democracy and it will take time but in the mean time what are we teaching our kids because if we really want change it starts with them. When I dated a white girl, I was actually approached while she went to the bathroom and told that I must not assume to rise above my station. That I would always be a mungral. When I dated an Indian girl I was asked what is coloured culture, drinking, drugging and fighting. 

I know who I am, what my beliefs are. I have made it my conscious choice never to be pigeon holed. Diversity is what makes us interesting. we should be celebrating our differences its what makes us uniquely who we are.

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