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Dating Married Women

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I was just sitting in the middle of this huge debate between my friends about whether they would date a married woman and whether it is right or wrong to do so. I would never get involved with a married woman because that's not my ideal situation and from what I have heard it's complicated as hell, but I was wondering if there were women out there who shared the same or a different opinion about the situation :roll:

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Well, as a married woman, I would of course date a married woman. Yes, it's complicated, but isn't every relationship? Bisexual women are sometimes catagorized as omnisexuals. Not to say that there aren't some who are, but for those of us who aren't, it makes it difficult. I am a polyamorous person. I have a life mate, but that isn't the only person in the world that I feel that I will ever want to connect with on a deeper level and I don't restrain myself to that. The old saying is true, "Nobody wants to play with the bi girls, except for the bi girls." So for the ladies who will date married women, thank you! It's hard enough to find a nice woman to be with, much less find a woman who accepts you, your mate, your kid, your etc.

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You're right when you say every relationship is complicated, but the degrees of complication when comparing the two well one is obviously more extreme. I'm the type of person who prefers to be in a monogamous relationship with one woman and one woman only. You can call me old fashion (even though I'm young) but I feel that if I have the desire to be with more than one woman while I'm in a committed relationship then what the hell am I doing in the committed relationship in the first place. Just my thoughts, but more power to you.

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A subject near and dear to my heart...

I think it's easier for a bisexual woman to be involved with a married woman just beacuse of our(my?) nature. I love and make love to whom I desire. This is not to be confused with being promiscuous. :? I am monogamous. I only have one lover of each gender...lol

I can only speak for myself. I am bi and have only had one serious relationship with a woman and she was married.

I like the benefits of having a relationship with a maried woman because I felt better understood. I had been dating a lesbian before her but found myself rushed and misunderstood for the most part. She didn't understand that I couldn't have her just popping up at my door at all hours and unnanounced. She'd get pissed if I went out with a man (although she knew of my sexuality, we discussed not being exclusive and she was NOT), she didn't understand why I couldn't go out at the drop of a hat ( I have a kid who at the time was 4) and I found it unnerving to be out in public with her. ( I am very much in the closet and although I am affectionate in public, I am subtle and discreet about it.) I don't need to be 'outed' by anyone, I will choose if and when I will out myself.

My ex-Goddess was married with 3 kids. Her husband knew about us and helped with the children so that we had 'our' time. Toes weren't stepped on because the sitter couldn't make it, or my child got sick. The added bonus of the kids getting along and taking them to the park and all that, just enhanced our relationship.

As was said previously, any relationship can be a challenge and I believe every relationship has it's own set of challenges. We couldn't meet when the desire struck, we couldn't just spend the night spontaneously, we had to be guarded in front of the kids. But we had love, companionship and sharing. That for me is the biggest part of a relationship.

As for being with a lesbian, I would consider it. Of course! However, our values, needs and what is sought for in a relationship would have to be discussed and respected. I would never lead a woman on if I cannot give her what she wants/needs.

Here's the disclaimer: :wink: This is only my experience and my opinions...

Have a great day!

Annie :D

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I like the benefits of having a relationship with a maried woman because I felt better understood. I had been dating a lesbian before her but found myself rushed and misunderstood for the most part. She didn't understand that I couldn't have her just popping up at my door at all hours and unnanounced. She'd get pissed if I went out with a man (although she knew of my sexuality, we discussed not being exclusive and she was NOT), she didn't understand why I couldn't go out at the drop of a hat ( I have a kid who at the time was 4) and I found it unnerving to be out in public with her. ( I am very much in the closet and although I am affectionate in public, I am subtle and discreet about it.) I don't need to be 'outed' by anyone, I will choose if and when I will out myself.

:D

I'm not so sure that the problems you encountered with the lesbian you dated were because she is a lesbian. I think the problems came with the individual. Most lesbians, even those without children, understand the time constraints a parent has and will not pop by unannounced and expect you to run out the door last minute.

I must admit that a lot of lesbians don't get the bi thing and would get pissed if you went out with a man. I'm 100% gay, but have no problems with anyone who is bi. I could not, however, be in an open relationship. That is just my personal preference; it has nothing to do with my sexuality.

I don't think just being out in public with someone necessarily means people will think you are a couple (especially if you are discreet). Unless she grabs your hand or says something, you really shouldn't have anything to worry about. I have male friends, but no one thinks we have a relationship beyond friendship. I guess what I am trying to say is that if you feel outed by someone just because you are in that person's presence, it isn't that person's fault, it's your fears (unless that person is making sexual references to or about you or is trying to kiss you). I'm not trying to be mean or start a fight, just mentioning how it looks to me.

The best thing for ANY relationship is honest communication at the beginning about what you are, what you expect from the other person, and what you want the relationship to be. Many go into relationships without discussing their expectations, then get upset when the other person doesn't follow the rules. You can't follow what you don't know about. Many have sex at the beginning, yet think it too soon to talk about things like monogamy, sexuality, etc. If you can stick your tongue in THERE, you sure as hell can bring up your relationship expectations. You may want to think twice about being with someone who will not discuss it.

I sometimes sound like a therapist, lol. My view on life; do what you want with it.

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Thanks, Roo, for your input... :)

I agree. I think it was more about who she was than what she was. I think her age was also a factor and her experiences coming out at home all had something to do with it. I must admit that although I don't blame her sexual preference for the downfall of our relationship, is sure sounds like it. Like I said, that was my experience with a lesbian.

As for the communication thing- I am very big on making things clear at the onset of a relationship, especially with a woman. I refused intimacy until things were discussed. I am asking a lot more than some women are willing to give and I don't believe in leading anyone on. I made my position clear. I think it was more an "I can change you" type attitude on her part. (co-dependency, anyone?) Like you said, your preference is 100% monogamy with a woman, mine is 100% monogamy with one woman and one man, she agreed and then tried to change it by force. She knew my desires before hand and failed to accept them. She knew I was dating (men and women) and she was dating freely as well. I just think that if you know what you are getting into, you can't bitch and moan about not liking it. Why order lasagna if you don't like it? If she wasn't in agreement she could've not gone there! No arms were being twisted and she wan't being lied to.

Being out in public with her, per se, wasn't an issue; what was were the very things you mentioned: public indiscretion, sexual inuendo and uninvited intimate physical contact (octopussy anyone?). I lived in Miami at the time and had no qualms about going out, dancing, walking together, hugging or touching on a friendly basis. I am a touchy-feely kinda woman, but rubbing up against me in public was offensive to me. She was disregarding my boundaries! I think it was highly disrespectful. I made my feelings clear and still she's pinch my ass, brush my breasts and act like an all around ass. I wouldn't accept it from a man I was dating, I refuse to accept it from a woman. So my fears of being outed were based quite a bit on reality. Being a pseudo-shrink I think you could say she had some serious codependency and self esteem issues to work on. (Like who doesn't?)

By the way, this relationship didnt last very long...

I agree with all you said, but I guess you missed my disclaimer- these are my opinions, based on my experiences. Maybe that will change? Right now I am talking to a gorgeous lesbian and she is well aware of my needs and desires. I am now working on finding out what hers are....

Have a great day, Roo!

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I am So glad you came on the boards AForgivenSin,

I am married, happily (well most of the time, I have those days that I do wonder, LOL) to a man, and I am bisexual. I haven't been in a physical relationship with another woman yet, but I have been in several friendships in the past where I wanted more, but at the time wasn't in tune with my sexuality on that side (I call it my female longing side, lol, because for me personally, its not the physical longing so much as it is the emotional/physical longing, that although I have a good relationship with my husband, including physical, there is something missing...and over the years I found myself often fantasizing about a relationship with a woman, even when I was having sexual relations with my husband, over time, I finally came to terms with it, etc...)

and its so nice to read that there are others like me. My husband is too, aware and we've been discussing this alot, and come to think of it today, the majority of my friends in college (non-traditional student a few years ago) were lesbian or bisexual, and ironically, my husband dated a few of the bi women that I was friends with, before him and I met...yea, weird, I know, and its like, looking back, its like They knew about me before I knew about me...and I kind of wonder if the men in our life (speaking in terms of bi sexual here) kind of attract bi women, because of understanding, or something, I was thinking on this today...so much I am still learning, questioning, etc.

I too, want a monogamous relationship with my husband and a monogamous relationship with a woman, not just a fling or a swinger situation (and I'm not dissing that in any way, its just not my preference). And the sex would be secondary for me, not that it isn't important but just like in my marriage, it wouldn't be the like, first priority, there has to be a connection there, you know what I mean...(I've had sex without the connection in the past -- during my single years, and in comparison, for me, it was missing something, I wasn't as open, relaxed, etc., its so much better if there is emotional and mental connection there, for me anyhow...for others its not an issue, etc -- why sexuality is so diverse, because we aren't robots, lol).

I would have to say though, that dating someone that isn't in a monogamous relationship already, would be sort of difficult for them, but I don't think thats only with lesbians, I think its just a matter of what someone is looking for, their needs, desires, etc. And you are correct, the key is to be very direct, in any relationship really.

As for the public expression, I think that too is a matter of individual tastes, as for me, holding hands, hugging, etc., wouldn't be a problem and I am sort of a rebel anyway so if someone was like, giving me and my ladylove the evil eye, I'd probably smile sweetly and give her the most luscious kiss right there, LOL, just to spite the homophobes (I'm terrible, I know), but I would too, give the relationship some time for her to know I'm that way, no surprises if you know what I mean...and of course if she was not comfortable with that I would respect that,

but too, I would be discreet, not because I am worried what people think of me, but because of the kids, my husband, don't want people coming up to him and like giving him hard time, my sexuality is my sexuality, etc., just as his is his, and its not like I want it to be hurtful to him or me, etc, but too, knowing him, he probably wouldn't care, but still, I do want to be considerate of his feelings, etc, and the kids especially, you know just use some sense, besides, its not like I flaunt my sexual relationship with my husband in public or in front of the kids either.

But even with my husband, if he does that like possessive type thing in public, the PDoA, and its in a possessive way, I just kind of cringe, now don't know if thats because of the male type 'see me, see me woman here like caveman type mentality' that disturbs me, its like, I'll tell him,

"hey, I'm your partner, not your status toy or trophy" but, I don't know if I would feel that way with a woman, maybe not.

And too, you can have platonic relationships that are that way, with the dropping by, etc., and I think thats where communication is so important, in any relationship, setting boundaries and respecting theirs, and so forth. I know I have had friendships, that were draining, because they were like the type where one was the giver and the other the taker, you know, the vampire types that just drain you with all their crisis, problems, baggage, etc...and its not that they do this maliciously, etc., often they aren't even aware of it. But too, I have had to ask myself, what is it that I attracted those types of friendships, because we can often give out vibes, without knowing (good book too on this, two book series, "The Helpers" "The Controllers", can't recall the author).

I think with relationships like that, understanding is essential, often times just listening because there is usually other underlying reasons for clinginess, etc., and too, there are times that we may come across as distant, etc. One thing I have learned just in the short time in reading the posts on this forum, and that is I think (and feel free to correct me if I am wrong, I am new at this), lesbians have a hard time meeting other lesbians in their areas, this varies from urban to rural, region, etc., but it seems like there needs to be more in like ways to meet, etc., other than bars and clubs (which alot of times can be expensive). But too, on the other hand, it can be the same way I guess in meeting that right one person for you regardless of sexual orientation.

Why support is so important, for all women because there is still so much social negatives towards women in regards to their sexuality, etc...even in our so called liberated society.

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You know, come to think of it, it probably is really hard for a single woman to be involved with a married woman, for her more than the married woman. Because like, the married woman can go home, have someone there, the single woman goes home to an empty house...that can't be easy.

And, I have to ask this (I probe alot, think on things), if, lets say, it was a friend dropping by, not a lover, but a friend, would it have been as or felt as intrustive? In other words, does the sexual intimacy add tension there, and if so, why?

I would think that question brings up alot of possibilities, etc...

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Some of you have said that you would like a monogamous relationship with a man and one with a woman. My question is how do you feel about the husbands? Do they get one other person to be intimate with? Can it be another woman? or does it have to be a guy? And just like the lesbian might feel dating a married woman, how about the husband who only has you but you get someone else too?

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Ok, so for me, I'm in relationship with both a man and a womyn and they are also in relationship with each other. My womyn thought she was lesbian until she met my guy....so, I think that you can be attracted to the person and the body just happens to be whatever it is. Now, I know that Not everyone will agree with me, but I also think that since most of us fall somewhere in between the two extremes on the Kinsey scale, there is wiggle-room for most in their sexuality. And monogamy is cool if that's what you need, but we need more. Those of us who are Poly. And there are so many different ways of being Poly, too! Some of us do want Polyfidelity(not going outside a set group of people) and some don't. Makes the world interesting, I think. I applaud honesty and communication in all relationships, but they are absolute necessities in a non-monogamous one. And you can't help it if someone discovers that what they thought they wanted wasn't actually what they wanted. But you can say, "I 'm ok with being myself and I release you with love." and move on! Now don't think this is some wise point - it took me 44 years to learn :lol: Anyway, I really appreciate a womyn who is open-hearted as well as open-minded. We could use a few more of them in Texas! :D Have a wonderful night, all. Faith

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Thanks to Aforgivensin, Kahloeyes and Faith for your interesting discussion!

I have known that I am firmly bisexual since I was 18, I'm now 22 and in a long term, stable relationship with a man that we both believe is permanent. My ideal situation is to continue to have a primary relationship with my significant other, and also have a meaningful relationship with 1 woman. My current significant other knows exactly the type of "friendship" I'm looking for and fully supports me looking for her. So the communication with him is there. Unfortunately it seems hard to find someone who is compatible with me personality-wise, where there is mutual attraction, and ALSO wants to enter into a somewhat alternative relationship. (although I had a really great date last night! :D So we'll see!) Reading about your experiences has given me some confidence that my preferences are certainly more common than I previously thought.

Faith---I have been somewhat curious about the poly lifestyle. Did your relationship with the womyn start out seperately, with just having your man as her friend and then turned into more? I'm not sure if that is the situation I'm looking for. I know that once I find that perfect girl for me, it would be ideal if she and my boyfriend were friends. Not sure if it would become too complicated if it became sexual or romantic. You mentioned that it took you a while to understand your own poly preferences, what did you do when you were my age?

Thanks again for the great discussion ladies!

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Hi Carrie! Well, what I did at your age was think I was straight, because I didn't even know I had an option! :lol: However, I started getting educated a year later when my husband brought home a copy of Penthouse "Forum". I was afraid for a long time of my feelings, didn't know what to do or how to meet anyone, etc. Had a brief friendship that gave me my first, pitiful experience. She did all the taking and I did all the giving - as inexperienced as I was, I still knew that wasn't how it was suppossed to go! :lol: I went thru a divorce, remarraige and several moves before I found a gay guy who kind of mentored me and introduced me to my first girlfriend(seven years after my first experience). My husband was okay with that until we actually got together, then the green-eyed monster showed up. We had some other differences as well, and I decided that I could live without men, but not without women(since I had no name and no role models for what I was trying to accomplish with my three way relationship, I went back to mostly monogamy, with the occassional visit with an ex-boyfriend). After that relationship ended, I met a woman I was crazy about, who also happened to be married. The three of us ended up in my first polyamorous relationship. It was a great learning experience, but painful, too, and I wish that we had known others that we could have looked to for advice and information. We failed in the communication department, and that led to several painful incidents and the eventual breakup of not only our relationship, but their marraige. We are all still friends, but it could have gone SOOOO much better with some education! As far as my sexuality, like I said, I started out thinking I was straight, then bisexual, then lesbian, then back to bisexual, and I have tried on several occassions to be monogamous, but it just did NOT work. I cheated almost every time, OR had an "approved" extra partner, but without knowing what to call it. I hate hurting people and my last girlfriend (before my current relationship)thought(because I did) that I was lesbian and could be monogamous. Well, I ended up breaking her heart too, when I just couldn't do it and split up with her. Fortunately, we are still good friends as well. Anyway, long story, short(er) I wish I had known all this at your age! My current girlfriend and I met at the GLBT Center and she was actually seeing a woman who slept with several other guys as well as my girlfriend, so this was not a new concept to her, just new terminology. :D

When we started seeing each other, I told her right away that I was Bi, Poly and NOT going to change either of those things or "try" to do it for anyone else ever again! She knew about my man and when they met, it was just right, somehow. He and I have looked for someone for literally years, that would be ablle to love both of us and we finally found her. Of course, as long as they could have been friends even, that would have been okay, but this is best! One of the things that I did, that might help you too( I SWEAR it really works!) is to make a list, VERY specific, of everything you can think of that you want in your female partner. I mean, even down to hair and eye color if that is important to you, height, weight, kid-friendly, etc. etc.....don't forget things like honest, sense of humor and stuff, too and things you don't want, like maybe "not a smoker", or whatever. And then, pray about it, turn it over to God and wait - it WILL happen! That is how I met all my partners from the married woman until now. And, it doesn't hurt if you find a poly group within driving/train distance and introduce yourselves :wink: I know there's got to be one near you! You can also go to Polymatchmaker.com and or Polyfamilies.com(both good sites, well run and if you have any problems, they try to take care of it for you) The main thing is, you have to be willing to let people know what you are looking for and don't settle! I understand that some jobs may require more discretion than others, but at some point you have to be "out" in some way, you know? Anyway, I hope this answered your questions and helps! Hugs, Faith

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Thanks so much for your post Faith!! I actually just found a woman who is EVERYTHING i've been looking for.... I'm really excited about it! but really nervous too! I really dont want to end up hurting anyone, and even though its a complicated situation i feel the most complex relationships are the most rewarding sometimes... its nice to be able to post on here and learn from other people's experiences.

thanks again!

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It may not happen today, it may not happen tomorrow, or a week, month or year from now BUT someone is going to get hurt, neglected, jealous, feel used and abused. That's the way it always is, there is no way to avoid it.

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Thanks Carrie, and I wish you all the best. It can be wonderful, as evidenced by my life! And Lise - I'm sorry you feel that way and that that has been your experience, but it does not have to be an inevitability, as evidenced by my life. I think that the types of people that you draw to you are those that help you learn the lessons you need to in life. So, I guess my lesson is that love is a good thing and doesn't have to involve getting hurt because I feel I "own" someone and therefore anything they do with someone else jeapordizes(sp) what they have with me. I think that the more love a person can express, the happier they are. I'm not talking about sex, I'm talking about love. I have relationships that are very loving, and have nothing whatsoever to do with sex, but are physically affectionate, which in America, is taboo. Anyway, gotta go take care of my woman - she's not feeling well. Hugs, Faith

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It may not happen today, it may not happen tomorrow, or a week, month or year from now BUT someone is going to get hurt, neglected, jealous, feel used and abused. That's the way it always is, there is no way to avoid it.

I would never want to experience a poly relationship, it's not my thing, besides I would respect my significant other (and myself) too much to get involved in something like that, but I guess to each their own :roll:

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Lise, whatever works for you is fine. I wouldn't want anyone to do something that isn't good for them. However, I respect myself and my significant others too much to ask any of us to try to be someone we are not simply to make other people or society in general comfortable! :D I respect your right to do the same. Hugs, Faith

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Some of you have said that you would like a monogamous relationship with a man and one with a woman. My question is how do you feel about the husbands? Do they get one other person to be intimate with? Can it be another woman? or does it have to be a guy? And just like the lesbian might feel dating a married woman, how about the husband who only has you but you get someone else too?

I had noticed no one had answered this(that I saw skimming thru), so I decided I needed to...

This is only our view as a couple, and the way we do things.... so please no one take offense.

I don't necessarily want my husband to be involved with the same woman I am... that all depends on the personalities of all of us. Would I say no? I wouldn't, IF the right chemistry was there all the way around. In my personal opinion, I don't feel it's right for a bi married woman to be able to be with someone else, but expect her husband not to be. I feel that is hypocritical. So in our relationship, he does have the option of having an outside relationship as well. With whomever strikes his fancy. And yes my husband happens to be bicurious. We decided if our marriage was going to be open to others... it's going to be open.

For us being poly has made our relationship stronger, because of the level of trust and communication required.

Also~ again, only my outlook~ I won't date lesbians. The reason for that is exactly so I won't have to deal with the issues related to fairness. To be perfectly honest, it is also because I have been subjected to the quite open utter hostility that it seems many lesbians feel towards bi women. HAve I been attracted to lesbians? Yes. But I won't go there.

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Hi

after reading this subject I must conclude that the idea of having a "special friend" outside of my marriage is both alluring and complex. Can a woman truly give of herself to both a husband and gf without sacrificing one or the others best interests?? As much as my husband is very supportive of me and has given me the opportunity to be myself, I find the prospects of keeping a marriage healthy and enjoying my own sense of individuality at odds with each other.

I have had numerous bisexual experiences in college and find myself at age 36 wanting to be myself without having society dictating my lifestyle, but I would like to again have a female lover, I must be honest, to escape from the stress of life as a wife and mother. So, I would probably like to be involved with another wife/mother so that she would understand my life and not expect things that never could come.

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My husband was very supportive of me when I went through my fooling around days. I had girlfriends on the side; I even brought one home one night for us to share. That kind of soured things for us and after a few years of looking for Miss Right, we gave up, had kids and went on with life.

Recently, my husband started an affair with another bi woman and eventually left me for her. I find it odd that a man should date two bi women back to back. I wonder if he unknowingly attracts or is attracted to bi women.

I'm now a single mom of three young boys. I consider myself bisexual with definite lesbian tendencies. I cannot forsee myself having a loving relationship with another man, but I cannot wait to have one with a woman.

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I was sorry to read your story of betrayal by your ex...I guess one of the problems with fulfilling ones own needs is that it sometimes runs counter to whats best for the marriage...once other people get added to the mix anything can and will happen..sometimes good and other times, like you found out, bad.

For me I am still trying to figure out if its worth the "risk" of having a lover(even if the husband says he doesnt mind)...sex is a very powerful drive, and even ones best intentions can be overtaken by the heat of the passion.....

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Hey Faerygirl36!

Thanks for sharing your story and sheding some light on the negativity involved with poly relationships. I think your story is an eye opener and should be a wake up call to those who think that their poly relationship is as solid as a rock because even rocks crumble over time.

Good luck and best wishes :wink:

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As a bisexual wife I know how hard it can be to remain monogamous while at the same time resisting temptation. Every girl and their aunty seem to be bi-curious these days and for some reason these Adventurous Annies always turn to me. I'm married to a typical English male and if you know anything about this type you'll know they are constantly trying to reaffirm their manliness with boys' nights and what-nots. All the while I'm expected to do 'girls' things' and hang out with other 'wives' - well I say fuck it: if you let me loose among your women, I might as well have your women!

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LOL crtny!!!

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Lise, whatever works for you is fine. I wouldn't want anyone to do something that isn't good for them. However, I respect myself and my significant others too much to ask any of us to try to be someone we are not simply to make other people or society in general comfortable! :D I respect your right to do the same. Hugs, Faith

Faith, you are to be commended for your patience and tolerance with those who try to make you feel guilty about something that obviously works out very well for you.

Lise, I understand and respect your views very well, and I'm in a marriage with certain boundaries that work well for both of us (which I will elaborate on next post soon). The poly life style involving all participation from more than two people in a relationship obviously didn't work out for some who did try that, but it doesn't mean it doesn't work for others like Faith. I don't think you can't deny that, and to do so is to perpetuate an illusion that does hurt people more than actually helping them in my opinion.

The key is just to be truthful from day one in any kind of relationship or even before starting one!

:D

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