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1+1 dose not equal 3,4,5,6, .... 10

Okay ladies,

Why is monogamy so underrated in the lesbian world? Saddly, I've been cheated on several times before and I couldn't help but wonder why 1 isn't good enough for some people. If u have an answer let me know; I'll be glad 2 talk.

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Hey I agree that one is enough, hell it's hard managing one relationship with all the other shit on my plate so why would I want to add another. I think poly relationships are for people who have more time on their hands than people like me. I'm also the kind of person who believes that if you're in a relationship then the person you're with should be your primary focus because if they're not what the hell are you doing together? I wonder about this a lot as I too have come to realize that more and more women are into poly relationships. I hear women screaming all the time about how they want someone who will love them and them only, I'm in the same boat with them as I would not want to share my mate...maybe I'm listening to the wrong group of women :roll:

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More power to those who can love many, but I can only juggle one at a time when feelings are involved.

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This is a very interesting subject to me. I have been in many relationships. There were some where I was cheated on, some where I did the cheating, and some that where monogamous. I think alot of it has to do with trust. It's the idea of trusting one enough to give her that much control over your emotions. In alot of situtations I've been in I felt very uncertain about my emotional security (wether it be her being unfaithful, her being uncertain about be with a woman for the rest of her life, or something else). That has been the reason I was unfaithful. I haven't done that everytime. I really want a fulfilling monogamous relationship, but they seem hard to find.

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Finding a woman who is interested in a long term monogamous relationship is like finging a needle in a haystack. Sometimes I think they don't exist except for the two long term monogamous relatioships I was in. It's clear that this quest is going o be a long and hard one, but I urge you not to compromise your standards just for the sake of having someone by your side. It may feel good at first but will hurt like hell in the end.

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Well, not only do I agree with monogamy I am TOTALLY ready for a lifetime monogamus commitment. But that seems to be too frightening to so many people. And yes, I have been cheated on more times than I care to admit and unfortunately this last time has hurt the worse. Now mind you, my GF adored me but was limited in her capacity for love and apparently has intimacy issues which prevented her from remaining commited to me. Now someone else is involved with her and I am sure that eventually she will be the one being cheated on. You see my ex is a shhhhhh... dont say it too loud... serial monogamus. She delights in having woman fall for her, whisper her name in her ears. What they may not realize (because she looks soo sweet and does have many sweet ways) is that she does not truly love them in the way they think.

I know I sound somewhat bitter... trust me I am working through it. It stung thats all. Really hurt...

Anyway I (when I am ready) am so very capable of commitment, honesty, sincerity, and monogamy. I think the cheating stuff is a commentary on the cheater VS the one being cheated on.

So I am off my soap box... thanks for the forum to be able to verbalize this.

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I know for myself I have always expected to be loved a certain way. I bought into all the romantic notions that once I found my 'true love' I would live happily everafter. It would all be smooth sailing from there. I have learned that this is not the case....

I have learned that people will love me only the way they KNOW how to love. ie I am big time touchy-feely, I express my caring that way. I have been with people who only touched for a purpose: demonstrate possesion, desire, interest, etc. I felt unloved by the fact that they weren't caresing me just because. I could ask for it, and it would be given. But my thinking went: If you loved me, you would know what I feel/need, I wouldn't have to ask. Well since when does loving make one a mind reader?

Where am I going with this? I've gotten into a relatioship and ignored the signals I get, the flashes of intuition, the feelings of "I can't deal with this long term" because I've wanted to be in a relationship. I've rationalized things "She's like this now because... but it will change" instead of accepting the person as is and saying "Hell with that, I deserve better." I know intuitively, not by mind reading, but in my spirit that someone will not work out and I've abandoned myself to be with them.

This has been true for myself and I know I ain't THAT special to have been the only one having experienced this in life....LOL!

By the same token, we have compromised our own desires, values and truths to accomodate another's feelings/thoughts/ideas. There is a measure of compromise in a relationship, especially one that is expected to be long term and monogamous, but when one's own truths are mostly the ones being compromised there's something not right there. I think one definitely should discuss one's ideas and definitions before becoming so deeply involved...

Thanks for the opportunity to share my opinion.

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I think that trust is paramount in a relationship.

But also- I agree that people give what they want to recieve, or give how they know how to love. I found the key to really loving someone, is to find out what they need. What *actions* make *them* feel loved. I think in loving someone as they need, you are loving the person themselves, not your image of them. And they in turn feel more loved.

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Wow, you folks really seem down on polyamory. Are any of you currently in relationships? I am, several. I have several partners who all have other partners. While they are all "secondary" relationships, because they all already have primary partners, I am very happy with the way we all communicate and how we all get along and like each other.

My partners live across two states, and so they don't see each other often. However, they do get together periodically over brunch and talk and get caught up with each other. I believe good communication and a great deal of love and affection for each other makes all the difference. I wouldn't ever choose monogamy, because I'd be lying. I don't want to lie.

I am currently seeking a polyamorous partner who is single or has only secondary partners because I'd like a relationship that shares a home and daily life, not just those who share love and occasional time. I know it's possible, because I'm involved in a community of folks who have various poly relationships and they're wonderful, caring, loving, communicative people.

So please, you don't have to be poly, but don't insult the concept. It just isn't for you.

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To begin: I don't think monogamy is under rated in the lesbian community, I think it's under rated in all types of relationships, and here's why I think so:

I believe that some humans truly aren't wired for monogamy. Some people just can't shut down their feelings for others, simply because they are in a relationship.

Does this make cheating right? Hell no. Going behind your partner's back and being with someone else in a romantic/sexual/anything-beyond-friendly manner is wrong.

The problem is, many people assume that polyamory is equivalent to that and that anyone who's not monogamous is just "cheating"....I think that's why when polyamory comes up in any circle, from lesbian, to bi, to straight, to gay, to monkeys....people freak out because they don't understand that the word cheating means to decieve....

In my relationship, my partner is completely aware of literally everything I do. While he is currently monogamous because he just hasn't found someone that he's interested in, he's very aware that I am poly and understands it completely. For example, when my mom found out I was poly and started trashing on me at every turn, I started to get really upset and wondered if maybe I should break things off with my secondary and was panicking thinking that maybe I was in the wrong and was somehow hurting my partner.

Quite the contrary. I told him my worries, and he immediately buckled down and explained to me that from the day he met me, he's known who I am. He explained that my "big heart" and ability to love so many people unconditionally, whether as friends, or more, has always amazed him and is part of why he loves me. He insisted that he's always supported me and loved me for who I am and that for me to go and change myself would break his heart because it would be basically smacking him in the face and telling him he's wrong for loving me for being the way I am.

In my opinion...polyamory is not wrong, but that doesn't make it the only way to be. It just is.

I also see a lot of people equating polyamory with cheating....and as I said before, cheating means to decieve. Every poly person I have ever met who claims polyamory has been open and honest with all their partner's, their partner's know eachother and are sometimes even friends, and everyone is fully accepting. That's not deception. That's just another type of relationship.

There are all kinds of relationships, from gay, lesbian, straight, poly, monogamous....they are all between people who are consenting adults who know what choices they are making and are informed of all the circumstances. (And if they aren't informed, there's a serious problem).

I also see a lot of people saying that poly people are just too afraid of settling down....in my opinion, that's the most bass-ackwards thing I've ever heard, because to me, it would seem a lot more committed and grounded to be in a relationship with two people or more than just one. (Yes, some poly people are only in temporary partnerships, but most that I know are in it for the long haul. Some have even had committment ceremonies between three or more partner's)...

I've been polyamorous for going on two years, and from personal experience, being polyamorous has it's perks but it can also be an extremely difficult challenge. Catering to the needs of not just yourself plus one person, but yourself plus two or three people, is very difficult. Yes, it has it's rewards, but it truly is difficult and I can't even stress how important it is for people to get an idea of what they're getting into before they become poly.

Anyways...I don't know if I'm making sense, but it seems to me that a lot of ya'll are really upset that you've been cheated on and for that reason are insisting that monogamy is the one and only way to be.....

I think ya'll have just been screwed by people who couldn't figure out what they wanted and decided to go play with another ball.

That, in my opinion, is the farthest thing from polyamory there is because the #1 key in a polyamorous relationship is honesty.

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WICKED!

Personally I preffer monogamy for myself, however I can tottaly respect your comments about polyamory. I think most people involved in this forum could support the fact that anything that goes on in a relationship between two adults is cool as long as both are completely aware of the situation.

Why should it be any different in a relationship between more than two people? As long as nobody is being deceived or hurt, I say why the hell not? !!!!!

If someone can deal with the needs of more than one partener at once........WOW I'm in awe :)

magpie

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This is something I've been thinking about for the last year (since the end of a 7-year committed relationship).

When my ex and I first separated I began dating a couple people at the same time. I never committed or even indicated committing to anyone for dating. I made my intention clear, and that intention was simply to meet other women and enjoy their company without any demands on anyone's part.

Something I found interesting and even frustrating at times, were several of the women I dated who agreed to dating and enjoying each other while enjoying our personal lives apart as well wanted more after a few dates. They wanted to talk about commitment. I found that I had to explain again and again I was not prepared to enter into another committed relationship. I think we often set ourselves up for hardship and emotional unrest by going from one committed relationship to the next.

Now, before I opened my mind to understand the nature of poly relationships I had a lot of misplaced opinions on the matter. As I have learned more and as I have gotten older the thought of a monogamous relationship seems less and less appealing to me, though I've not closed that door completely.

As it's been said on this thread, these relationships are created (or should be) by consenting adults who have considered all the realities of poly amorous relationships and have made the very personal decision to be a part of such a relationship. If they are happy, and their partners in are happy with the life they've chosen then bravo! If it's not for you don't go there.

I do encourage all people to really learn about alternative lifestyles before making judgments about what they are and even if it's not something you would engage in it's certainly not up to you/us/anyone to make a negative judgment toward people who choose to love in poly relationships. No more than it would be up to you/us/anyone to judge people who want monogamous relationships as boring or closed minded.

It's important to discern the difference between cheating and poly relationships. Cheating is something back handed and unfair because there's someone left out of the loop and a great deal of lying going on as well. It's not this way in the healthy poly relationships that I know of.

Everyone is entitled to live a life that fulfills them and makes them happy, and no one has to do this at the cost of another's happiness. There are a lot of happy monogamous relationships out there too, so don't be discouraged if this is what you seek. I've met a few people who have been together 20 and even 30 years.

Just don't throw the baby out with the bath water. Just my .02 worth 8)

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Hey

Personally I think monogamy is overrated - probably because i have just got out of a supposedly monogomous relationship in which we had both been cheating. At least polyamory is honest, and if you are honest you are less likely to hurt people. I am interested though - of those of you who are in, or have been in polyamourous relationships, have these been exclusively female or have men been involved too? I ask because I am researching pansexuality for my MA dissertation and would love to hear people's experiences - perhaps via an email interview?

Cheers

Rachel

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Whatever floats you're boat is the stance I take on these matters. I do think that openness and honesty are key. As for my relationship preference, I choose polygyny, one man and multiple women. I feel as long as all parties agree, and love one another equally, there is no problem. Its silly to me when ppl say how can a man love more than one woman? I mean if you think that way, then you might as well ask how can a mother love more than one child? It doesn't make sense. I see poly as a major plus to a relationship. I mean as a mother in a "politically correct" monogamous relationship. (one man, one woman). Things can become over bearing. I deal with cooking, cleaning, and every thing in between by myself. I can not wait up til I have another woman to help me out when it comes to maintaining a house hold. I'd love to take a day off from cooking and/or laundry, and know that my family is fed and clothed. It just makes sense to me :wink:

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Hey I agree that one is enough, hell it's hard managing one relationship with all the other shit on my plate so why would I want to add another. I think poly relationships are for people who have more time on their hands than people like me. I'm also the kind of person who believes that if you're in a relationship then the person you're with should be your primary focus because if they're not what the hell are you doing together? I wonder about this a lot as I too have come to realize that more and more women are into poly relationships. I hear women screaming all the time about how they want someone who will love them and them only, I'm in the same boat with them as I would not want to share my mate...maybe I'm listening to the wrong group of women :roll:

I definitely agree about how difficult it can be to manage one relationship. When you're busy with everything else in your life, you can only make so much time for that significant other.

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I feel that what is right for me is right for us and is not limited by society's desire of my love or sexual expression through polyamory.

I completely concur!

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