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How many womyn of color have actually had sex with another womyn?

For the past few days, this topic has been coming up and I wanted to know what other womyn were going through. Within the Lesbian community, there are ALOT of womyn out there who claim to be lesbians, but in actuality have never slept with a womyn.

Being a womyn of color myself, it was hard for me to finally work up the courage to go out, kiss and then f--- a girl, (or make love, or whatever you people call it). I think that this happened to me because there were so many places that limited the amount of womyn that you can have access to that are womyn of color.

I personally am not attracted to white womyn, that is not to say that white womyn are wack. But most of the clubs that are in Brooklyn are geared towards white lesbian womyn. So after a while it was like a womyn-hunt to find the cute Palestian girl, that drove me crazy  . I don't know, I just know that for the most part I like a little butter on my bread (or buns, or crackers or whatever you prefer). Ok, so the question is out there, how many of you womyn of color have actually had sex with another womyn . And no, being highly intoxicated does not count. 

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For the past few days, this topic has been coming up and I wanted to know what other womyn were going through. Within the Lesbian community, there are ALOT of womyn out there who claim to be lesbians, but in actuality have never slept with a womyn.

Being a womyn of color myself, it was hard for me to finally work up the courage to go out, kiss and then fuck a girl, (or make love, or whatever you people call it). I think that this happened to me because there were so many places that limited the amount of womyn that you can have access to that are womyn of color.

I personally am not attracted to white womyn, that is not to say that white womyn are wack. But most of the clubs that are in Brooklyn are geared towards white lesbian womyn. So after a while it was like a womyn-hunt to find the cute Palestian girl, that drove me crazy  . I don't know, I just know that for the most part I like a little butter on my bread (or buns, or crackers or whatever you prefer). Ok, so the question is out there, how many of you womyn of color have actually had sex with another womyn, OR had the pleasure of straping it on and fucking a womyn  . And no, being highly intoxicated does not count. 

blacklesbian, I have been sexually active with other womyn since the age of 10 and I don't plan on stopping anytime soon  First in response to your question about womyn who say they're lesbian but have not been with another womyn, it's funny you would pose this because I just had this dicussion with my mother re: bisexual womyn who say they're bi but have never been with another womyn. I really don't know how to think about this one, but I do believe that your awareness is more clear and concrete if you had a sexual encounter with another women, other than that I believe you're just curious until you take that step. Sex is not the only part of lesbianism but come on lets be honest you really can't know until you try, right?

You have the same problem in NY that we have here in Philadelphia. There is no diversity at the gay/lesbian clubs and the crowds at two of the cities hot spots are 90% white, even the GLBT center in the city is predominately white, yet they don't show an interest in bringing about diversity and change. I've had a few friends in NY tell me it's the same problem that club/community center owners refuse to address no matter how many times people complain. I really don't know if there is anything that can be done about this as I highly doubt that a change will come this life time. How do you handle this issue where you are? Does it appear that the clubs are beginning to reach out more to ethnic groups, or is shit still the same?

I don't have a preference in regards to race when it comes to dating, I just want to find the right womyn and if she happens to be white so be it, if not it doesn't change anything, but I do understand you're frustration and hope there is a change soon. Not just in our cities, but all cities.

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How do you handle this issue where you are? Does it appear that the clubs are beginning to reach out more to ethnic groups, or is shit still the same?

Thanks Lisa for your reply. To be honest with you I try not to hang out in clubs to much, because even in New York, you get alot of birds down in club spaces. I have been a DJ for about 3 years now, and it has come to the point, that I have to throw my own parties, the problem is that...at parties that you throw, your friends (who were suppose to bring people) never bring people and you end up dancing with the same cats that you have danced with since the 6th grade. Not only does this get expensive, it gets boring.

I don't know what to do about the lack of resources for womyn of color, I can only put out there that the late great Audre Lorde, insisted that womyn of color who are lesbians need to establish themselves as lesbians and do things for other womyn who have their intrests at heart. Maybe one day, I'll open up a club, sex shop, store, for all of the sistas out there...

As for the womyn to womyn thing, I think that for womyn who have ever slept with men, the transition is VERY differrent than if you have always slept with girls. I feel that way because I didn't know who should make the first move, were some of the questions that were going through my head. The bad thing about my situation now is that I get alot of curious girls hinting at my sexuality...I don't like that feeling to much. Its like I feel that straight girls who are curious want to purge themselves of this curiosity and if they don't like it, they'll go right back to straighty-ville..I was just wondering what other womyn were going through and if they have ever encountered womyn who were 6-month lesbians. Not only is it heart breaking, it sets people up to fail.

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wait a minute...you said the age of 10?!? ! Jesus peace, where were your parents? It's just a joke.... 

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I am still an untried bi. Actually struggled for a while as to whether I was bi-sexual, or just curious before I actually came out. I didn't want to pretend to be something I really wasn't, or worse, get another's heart involved and break it. I was going to wait and try a sexual encounter with another woman before I decided, but I did a little soul searching, but in the end I realized that this wasn't some heterosexual fetish.

Look at it this way. Do we consider the men who have not been with a woman any less heterosexual than the ones who have (baring the ones who are homosexual, of course)?

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Look at it this way. Do we consider the men who have not been with a woman any less heterosexual than the ones who have

Umm...yeah. If I ever even heard of a woman saying that her husband lost his virginity TO A WOMAN on the night that they got married, I would tell that bitch to run...if her husband indeed has been taking it up the doody-hole for his whole life and liking it, that means that he is as day as a bird ...if your gay then your gay, I don't care how much pussy you slide in and out of or how many dudes jackhammered your ass

Damn Monteen, do you have a southern accent, I mean I know that it's Florida and all, but I have this thing for...oh, nevermind. sidetracked.

Druken licks? That is the most funniest thing that I have read on this site. If I think you licked where I think you licked then that means that you have been with a womyn full force, my friend, next time strap it on afterwards 

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blacklesbian, I have to agree with you in your response to the question Monteen posed about men.

I know a few womyn here and there who have tried to throw parties to bring about diversity/unity among womyn of all backgrounds and cultures, but like you their efforts fell on deaf ears. I really don't know if there is anything that can be done to bring about diversity  but I hope something can be done. Any ideas ladies? 

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I don't know what can be done but I can say that I offer my gates as a place where womyn can go and just be sane for a little while, I was reading some audre lorde the other day and she was saying that the spaces that she created for her sisterfriends, saved her life and helped her raise her children...now I don't want to have kids but that is always a plus..

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wait a minute...you said the age of 10?!? ! Jesus peace, where were your parents? It's just a joke.... 

LOL, well the girl I was involved with was my mother's bestfriend's daughter who was only 2 years older than me so they never thought anything about us spending so much time to together...but then again I do have a bisexual mother so I think she knew, but didn't care...who knows 

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For the past few days, this topic has been coming up and I wanted to know what other womyn were going through. Within the Lesbian community, there are ALOT of womyn out there who claim to be lesbians, but in actuality have never slept with a womyn.

Being a womyn of color myself, it was hard for me to finally work up the courage to go out, kiss and then fuck a girl, (or make love, or whatever you people call it). I think that this happened to me because there were so many places that limited the amount of womyn that you can have access to that are womyn of color.

I personally am not attracted to white womyn, that is not to say that white womyn are wack. But most of the clubs that are in Brooklyn are geared towards white lesbian womyn. So after a while it was like a womyn-hunt to find the cute Palestian girl, that drove me crazy  . I don't know, I just know that for the most part I like a little butter on my bread (or buns, or crackers or whatever you prefer). Ok, so the question is out there, how many of you womyn of color have actually had sex with another womyn, OR had the pleasure of straping it on and fucking a womyn  . And no, being highly intoxicated does not count. 

Hey, its Lauren. i know exactly what you are talking about. I am also a black woman and its hard for me to meet women too.

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Reading this thread, I'm just a little confused here, maybe someone else could chime in or clarify. 

Are you (blacklesbian or anyone else that would like to respond) saying that these "lesbians who don't have sex with women" you've been noticing DO have sex with bio guys INSTEAD of women, or that they are currently not having sex with other people of any gender whatsoever? Is it a question of "waiting for the right one" or that they're currently with men?

I'm also curious to hear if you feel this "lesbians who don't have sex with women" phenomenon is more prevalent among women of color. It sounded like you thought perhaps it was (or maybe just that you posted your question in this topic area instead of a more general one), but maybe I'm misunderstanding. I hadn't noticed that was the case, but that would be an interesting phenomenon indeed. Why would THAT happen? My personal experience (of course, yours may always vary) has been that persons of color (both men and women) are usually a bit more reluctant to personally assign themselves or reveal themselves to be associated with any label associated with queerness because it would be yet another way they'd expose themselves to discrimination. A double whammy, if you will. Well actually, even harder for women, a potential triple whammy (race, gender, AND NOW ALSO sexual orientation). A white gay man in the U.S., for instance, will more likely than not experience discrimination only for being gay.

Regarding one's definition of "lesbian," I've personally known MANY women that identified as lesbian before they'd had sex with another woman. Maybe not identifying to large groups of people initially, maybe only to themselves for a long time. However, these were women who'd felt they were lesbians as soon as they even learned what the word meant, usually sometime in late childhood or adolescence. Even though it took them another decade or more to actually have sex with another real live woman, they knew it was what they were meant to do, and they knew they'd never find "true love" with a man. And then . . . they continued to "do" women and nothing but women to this day.

I wouldn't call those women anything other than lesbians, and I do imagine they had themselves all sussed out from the beginning. I wouldn't call them anything other because I wouldn't want to face the repercussions , and I do imagine because really, as far as I can see, there's no evidence to suggest they were anything other than 100% correct about themselves from a very early age. But, I DO think (similar to Lise's comment) that their understanding of themselves in terms of with which sorts of women they were most compatible and precisely what they'd like to do with them between the sheets increased after they actually became sexually active.

And then there's women more like me, the sort of which I've also met many. I'm in my 30's now, but I did have sex with a number of men in my 20's. I DO consider myself a lesbian NOW, because I've not had sex with a man in several years, and have no desire to do so in the future. I didn't define myself as a lesbian back then when I was having sex with men (don't know why I would have?) but I do now because I define myself currently not most importantly in terms of my distant past, but my recent past, my present, and my future intentions. But I'm not one of the women described above who felt she knew all about herself in that regard from an early age. No, I had to experiment quite a bit in order to figure myself out. I DID feel from a very early age that it was possible I might become sexually involved with another woman, but it wasn't until I'd actually been involved with a number of both men and women that I determined that men . . . not so much, women . . . much more, basically. I'm currently in a long-term relationship with another woman and have been for the last several years, but even if that ceased being the case, I'd either look for another woman with whom to become involved or . . . just not be involved with anyone. Going back to men would never be a viable option for me at this state of more advanced self-knowledge, life's too short, I'd rather spend that time reading a book if I couldn't find another compatible woman .

I'd define myself as a previously wishy-washy bisexual turned dyke.  I know there are some people, including even some on this board that might define me as bisexual based on my previous history, and that's really ok with me, because it just doesn't matter that much . . . to ME. But I wouldn't and won't. I consider myself a dyke.

But if what we're talking about here is women who call themselves lesbians and CURRENTLY have sex with men, yes, that does confuse me. Mostly because I tend to believe in the cliche that actions do speak louder than words, but also because I DON'T think there's a damn thing wrong with being bisexual. Why not just call yourself THAT? Yes, and for those of you old enough or that are inclined to seek out older lesbian films, I am reminded of the scene in "Go Fish." I'm also reminded of Kinsey's scale. It is a scale. You can be a bisexual woman in a limited sense . . . sex with only certain men in certain situations but primarily attracted to women, etc., OR you can be a "50/50" bisexual. There's more than one variety of bisexual, but I would define a woman that CURRENTLY enjoys sexual activity with men on a regular basis as at least bisexual in some sense or to some degree, not really a lesbian.

Or what am I missing here? 

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blacklesbian,

i have a recommendation for you....you should try www.girlzparty.com they have recently begun to have parties at The Lab in Brooklyn. this organization has been around for a long time and previously had a weekly party in lower manhattan (around the corner from the WTC) and they have now moved their party to the BK.

the only other club that i know of in bklyn is the Cattyshack and i'm sorry, the address escapes me at the moment.

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