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Arguments Conflict and Violence


ok, I suggested this topic, and I realize its somewhat uncomfortable to discuss, but I do think its relevant and needs to be discussed, regardless of what type of relationship we are in, etc.

I have at one time been a victim of domestic violence, quite severe in fact, he tried to kill me (he's in prison now, not for trying to kill me, in fact he didn't even get arrested for that, believe it or not -- this was in TX -- he got arrested for theft, was his third time and only reason, seriously, that I'm alive today, no joke). Even in prison he stalked me over the phone for a year (they get one collect call a week) and he even had his brother in law call me, at my job, etc., lived in nightmare for three years, even bought a gun out of fear if he got out (this was in my late twenties).

So, this is an issue that I feel is very important, not only to be educated on, but to understand that even the strongest women can be confronted with violence. I grew up being taught not to tolerate violence, etc., and never would have believed I would ever be in that situ, but I was, and the shame of that didn't help me, actually in my case, I think it was much of the reason I did stay, for as long as I did, although in the end I was in steps to leaving (working with domestic violence shelter) and thats when he attempted to choke the life out of me, took three men to pull him off, the idiot did this in public place. Took me years of counseling after the fact just to stop hating myself, literally. (blamed myself, etc)

Anyway, I've seen women in friendships turn violent towards each other, not only over men but over other issues, but more often over men, etc. Now, I want to ask,

has violence ever been an issue in any of your relationships or have you feared violence, etc from your partner? Also, if this is the case, (and you don't need to name names here, etc), were there support systems for you, etc (or were the women's shelters helpful or dismissive, etc) [see note at bottom].

Would you say that the violence was similar too, or different, speaking of the psychology here? These actually are hard questions to ask because being that I have lived through it, I know how painful it is to even talk about it. Also, I had this friend, not a close friend, but a friend, who over time, we sort of went our different ways (she was neighbor). Some of the reasons that we dissolved the friendship was we didn't see eye to eye on many things, things that were value based (she was racist towards Latinos, something that I just couldn't accept, and it caused some major tensions because she at one time harassed my other neighbor, who was Latino, from Mexico, she doesn't speak good English, and well, lets just say, that was the final straw for me).

Well, anyway, one day, there was this dispute over this fence, that was sold to us by another neighbor, and that they helped to build (nailed a few posts). This ex friend of mine came outside, cursing and swearing, in front of the kids, etc., husband took out the receipt and the next thing I know, she's in my yard screaming in my face, wanting to fist, yea, right, I'm going to fist fight in front of my children, I would have defended myself, of course, but going to jail over something that petty, really wasn't on the agenda for that day, lol.

So I know women can be violent or handle conflict in a violent means...espeically in our society today where violence seems to be the way to handle everything, almost.

And I wonder too, if in situ where in case of two women, if maybe the justifications of using violence that some use, may be more accepted, more so than if, lets say, a man hitting a woman, etc (didn't word that right) but you know what I mean, I think.

Ok, so your input?

note: on the issue of violence, why I asked about support from shelters, if there isn't that support, there needs to be, and legislation should push for that...I know there has been some studies on this issue, and so far, what I've seen is the few studies done on Butch/Femme relationships, that transferrance of patriarchy theory, etc...

but I think, violence can be in femme to femme relationships too, I don't think its a characteristic of being Butch, and I think that is a narrow thinking...and I know many Butch women who are not violent, not at I think we have to look outside of that context to understand, solve issues of violence, etc.

and this will lead me to the next topic...

and also, if you think there is more need for understanding, support, etc., say so...or if you know of any good studies, etc. Please know too, its not my intention at all, in any form, to cause anyone pain...or make anyone feel uncomfortable...but if someone is experiencing violence (even from a parent or sibling, etc) maybe something here can be of help.

In solidarity,


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when the safety that keeps us from assaulting our loved ones is for whatever reason turned off, it is definitely time to end the relationship. fighting on such an intimate level just has too many bad repercussions and are extremely difficult to attempt to return back to natural order.

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