Jump to content

How Important is the Father's Role to You???

9 replies to this topic


  • Members
  • 162 posts
A lesbian couple I know, Kate and Jamie, decided to have a child with a close male friend of Jamie (Jamie is already pregnant, they did the artifical insemenation three weeks ago) however they have decided that it may be best for the father not to be involved in the childs life (or as kate said "until further notice"). So I'd like to know from the lesbians here who want or have children, how important is it that your child have a father or father figure in their life?

I know I want children someday and I think it's important for the kids to have their father present in their life or some other male influence in their life. I know two women are fully capable of raising a healthy, happy, well adjusted child, but I think kids also need to see what role their father or male influence plays in their life.
Sometimes you stand on the edge of a cliff and you jump. You jump because you're tired of being scared. Sometimes you jump just to feel the fall


  • Members
  • 20 posts
My dad died when I was eight, and I didn't have any strong male influences in my life. I think I turned out okay. It's different with boys though. When it comes to having my own children if I have a boy I think it would be nice for him to have a male influence. I don't care if its a friend or relative or even that little boy I'm holding in the picture (I had to mention him, I love him soooo much). I think even without a strong male influence children can be raised properly.
May women rule the world. - Kurt Cobain


  • Members
  • 1 posts
I had my daughter 24 years ago as a lesbian by artificial insemination and raised her without a father figure. Nothing was missing. We did more than fine. She always had nice men in her periphery, but not one in particular. She could relate my dad as her grandfather. Every time yet another friend was going through hell because of custody battles or all the things which happen when a mom/dad team break up, I counted my blessings. I don't think I'm missing something in my house because a man isn't present. Neither did my daughter. You do need a huge capacity for love and patience and a calm sense of confidence in your ability to figure things out as you go along. You need mental health and good friends. You don't need a man to "play" a "role" of any sort. The beauty of being a lesbian is thinking for yourself and leaving roles behind. Not everyone's up to it, agree. A lot of people need to pattern their lives after someone else's and then use it to measure their own. There's another way, trust me. Big love and good wishes to all who find their own!


  • Members
  • 20 posts
I really want to have kids one day and have had this discussion with myself countless times before.
When I was little my dad was a bit abusive of us kids (especially one of my brothers who is now clinically depressed and an alcoholic because of it) and walked all over my mum, they’ve been divorced now for six or so years and although my mum’s struggled a bit to support the younger of us she’s never been a happier person. So you could say that I don’t really have many good experiences with ‘fathers’.

When I have my kids it will really depend on the circumstances as to how much of a role the father will have in their lives (I still haven’t ruled out just going to a sperm bank). The men I know that I would consider asking to be that father really don’t want kids so would be quite happy to just do the uncle thing like they have for my friend’s baby, but it would also have to depend on what my partner at the time would want.
Not quite cold in the ground, not quite warm in my bed. - Nightwish


  • Members
  • 2 posts
I have three kids from two hetero marriages and have only recently started to come out. I can say from my purely selfish perspective that having dads in the picture is great in that it gives you much-needed time OFF. Time to date and keep it separate. Or, if you're a couple, much needed time to reconnect as a couple separate from the kid(s). I know, when the kids are in utero or very young, it's hard to imagine ever wanting to be away from them, but believe me, it's therapeutic.

My first thought about this original post, however, was about fairness to the donor. Did he donate his sperm fully intending to be involved, or was being left out of the picture always an option? Were there legal papers signed?

I don't think the child (male OR female) necessarily NEEDS a strong male influence, but it certainly couldn't hurt (provided he's a GOOD influence). The more love a kid gets the better, so why deprive him/her of another person to love him/her?


  • Members
  • 17 posts
As a mother of 2 very well adjusted young women I would have to say that from my life and my experiences, they didn't need the father to be involved. I was both mother and father to them, being that I am a single mom. I raised them as any family would.. my youngest (she is 17) is a tomboy, she loves sports, loves cars, can be just as tough as the rest of them, is very independet, and is no worse for wear that it was only I that was raising her. She has expressed in interest in women but also has the confidence to tell others that she also likes boys so.. did my lifestyle affect her in a positive or negative way being a lesbian and a single mom? I feel it is very positive and she didn't need the influence of a male role model. My eldest is as straight as straight can be, and she is just as independent as my other daughter (she is 19).
If you were to ask my girls if they missed having a father in there lives.. they would say and have said no, that I have provided them with both the masculine and feminine sides of life and the balance between the 2 was just right



  • One Post Members
  • 1 posts
Raised my boys without a father and i have to say: fathers presence is often over-rated and not necessarily necessary! My boys are healthy and happy. The biggest issue we faced was people's reaction to it ("oh - poor boys! No father!").

When you think of the world wide cultural scene, and then think through time that humans have had children, it becomes silly to think that we need to prescribe to one form of 'family', that of a dad, a mom, and the kids! This may be a Western colonizing mentality ('our way is the only way' kind of thing).

I think that love and consistency is WAY more important than who is doing the raising...and a more accurate measure of outcome, to be sure :)


  • Posting Members (3 or more)
  • 14 posts
Having a "male role model" is a construct of our patriachal society- and nothing more. It's a myth, imho. If you look at other animals, most only show up to impregnate the female (with few exceptions- and those exceptions actually are to secure the safety of the offspring from predators). Showing up to impregnate is sadly often true of human couples.

If you were to look at single, female-parent upbringing (for whatever reason), I doubt you'd be able to find any sort of negative correlation in the real world (not counting lop-sided "findings" from biased groups). In my life, I have seen & know (long term) families of all descriptions & there is nothing unusual about any of them. Some have brats, some have great kids, some have troublemakers...but all seem to be across the board the same.


  • Guests
  • 8 posts
Our culture has defined different gender roles that closely correspond to biological sex. But the fact remains that they are cultural constructions. If we separate biology from societal norms and expectations, it is easier to see that "masculine" or "feminine" influence while raising children really holds no precedence on the child's development. If anything, the limited exposure to "gender norms" will liberate the child from feeling tied down to these unreasonable dichotomies.


  • One Post Members
  • 1 posts
I'm currently going through a similar dilemma. My son is 4 and I tried to ignore my feelings towards other women for the sake of a socially accepted family. His dad is crap. Moved away because my mom said he loved the pot more than his family, and uses an excuse of he has o work as to why he doesn't call our son. He was in jail for the first part of our sons life and only spent six months as a father to him. My dad is his male role model.

He knows my dad his 'poppa' our word for grandfather, and he knows that he has a dad. His dad calls maybe once every two to four weeks, and while time has no meaning to my son now, I think its best to cut ties until he can commit to more of a father role. I don't want my son hurt in the process.

Long story short, if the dad wants to be an influencial part of the child's life, all the better. You can't have too much love. If he's gonna be in and out, you can do it on your own or with your partner. I want my son to see me in a healthy relationship, rather than miserable while playing a part of a heterosexual woman.
Sugar and spice and everything nice? I'm not that kind of girl.

1 user(s) are reading this topic

0 members, 1 guests, 0 anonymous users