advice needed from women in polyamorous relationships

Hey ladies,

Those of you who have longterm relationships with 1 man and 1 woman, please help me out! I've been searching for a really long time for a woman to have a serious best friends with benefits kind of relationship. I'm in a 4 year relationship with a man who I am in love with. I recently met an absolutely georgeous woman who is funny and nice and so much fun and I think she'll end up being that bestfriend I've been looking for. That is GREAT and I'm so excited about it. But I'm also kind of nervous!

The other women I've met, I've never had that chemistry with and it never lasted long... so I didn't have to deal with potential issues that might come up, like how to split your time or how to act when you're out with both of them! This is what I've been looking for for several years and all of a sudden it seems like something I might not be able to handle!

Women who have a monogamous relationship with 1 man and 1 women who are not involved with each other, PLEASE share your experiences with me. I don't want to give up the fabulous opportunity to get to know this woman better OR put undue strain on my longterm relationship with my fiance.

thanks :)

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I have to say first off, I'm that woman in my relationships. I'm the secondary partner and my partner is the one who has a male partner also. He is her primary partner and so relationship issues are different for he and I.

While the three of us occasionally have dinner together, it doesn't happen often. My relationship with her is separate from him. He and I also go out for a beer occasionally just to talk and make sure that he and I don't have any communication problems. I never want to use her as a go between. That's bad communication.

Also, as a secondary partner, I get envious of time they spend together doing daily things, which fortunately, she understands. They get the everyday together, laundry and meals and household decisions, and I don't have anyone helping me with these things. She has been very good about things like, making the bed we share when she is here, helping me with meals when she is here. It's important to me that we share little things like that.

I don't get to spend family holidays with her because they spend them with parents and family whom they aren't out to. This is hard for me, and she came home to spend New Years eve with me because she knew how much I had missed her and how much I had missed in not spending holidays with her.

So my advice to you is, first of all to be really communicative about everything. Don't expect her to have a relationship with him other than to be friendly and communicate with him. He isn't her partner.

Good luck.

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i'm looking to start this kind of relationship as well. it's been really tough trying to find a nice woman at all (i live in little conservative new hampshire) let alone a nice woman who might be interested in that kind of relationship.

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heh. i'm a polyqueer too. i'm in colorado, and i'm currently involved with a guy, and looking for a girlfriend. not the easiest thing in the world. from what i've found, a lot of lesbians dislike bi girls because they're been suckered by one of those straight girls who pretend to be bi just to get more boys after their tail. and i'm poly so that only makes that bit worse. oh, and i'm genderqueer.

awesome huh?

heh. just putting out there that you're not the only one who's looking for that kind of relationship, and if you figure out how to find a girlie, do let me know.


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I would really, really recommend reading, all of you, the book "The Ethical Slut." It's by two queer polyamorous women, one who has relationships primarily with women, and one who has relationships with both men and women. They also have a relationship with each other, so it's pretty well rounded. It gives a lot of great advice on any emotional issues that may come up.

As for splitting your time, how to act when you're out, well, that's something that will be unique to the three of you. I would suggest the three of you sit down, spell out your expectations, and see what works for everyone. It's going to take a lot of honesty, communication, and compromise.

Good luck!

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