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I'm having a hard time with this...

Hi. I'm Aryn.

I'm having a hard time with my realizations... I've known I was at the very least bi since late elementary school. I went to my parents about it (conservative christian types) and they didn't really take me seriously, saying "Pff! You're not Gay. Where would you get an idea like that?!" I didn't really want to say anything.... Anyway...

Six years ago, after being a loner and called gay by all of my classmates (gee... ironic) I started an online relationship with a man who I felt comfortable with... we were both 15... we loved each other deeply. It was a long distance relationship for three years. On the third year, I graduated and moved out to OR to live with him. I felt that if I stopped thinking about the 'what ifs' with my attraction to women, it would disappear. I soon stopped talking to most women in my life. Sex was good for awhile during the online three years when I'd visit for a week or a month at a time... then once I started living with him, it lost all novelty. We had shouting fights over it because it wasn't fair to him that I wasn't interested in sex anymore, but couldn't help but eye the beautiful girls I see every day at work, etc.

Now, after a heart-breaking failed cyber relationship with someone, I was found out. I decided to come out, and now it's all questions and answers like 'Have you ever really enjoyed sex with me?"

"Well... it's like a backrub.. I like it but it's not something I'd volunteer to do for hours..."

"How long have you known?"

"a long time"

"Why did you marry me?!"

"I hoped it would go away."

and now he says it feels like I've taken 6 years worth of his hopes and dreams.

He wants to try a poly relationship, to keep me satisfied and also to stay with me. I love him like a brother... but pretty much in a purely platonic way. I'm not sure of the poly thing because I don't tend to like sharing my lovers... I'm a little jealous and/or a little selfish that way... and I don't want to be a bitch and say "No, I'm not willing to try that" when it's one of the straws he's grasping at to keep me with him... but sometimes I wonder if I should go off alone and do my own thing...

I guess I'm looking for whatever advice I can get. We're still sharing a bed for the time being... I have yet to really be with a woman.

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Perhaps you should consider exploring your attractions to females without including your husband. "Take a break from monogamy" as it were. Sometimes exploring your options can help.

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Aryn's situation sounds like it's a similar situation to the one I'm in.

I've consciously made the decision to stay with my husband for now, but we both know that it's just a matter of time before we split. I'm not ready to have a romantic relationship with anyone else, so we're staying together.

I was just wondering if anyone else has been through a similar experience and what was the outcome?


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i can kind of relate. i'm in a commited (recently made long-distance) relationship, but for the past 4-5 months i've been with a lesbian. the boyfriend knows and is okay with it. however, things are going well with him... and i'm starting to wonder—could i be with a woman for more than sex? i don't know. i don't know how to define that without hurting someone (including myself).

but, with recent desires to be 'married' i guess that shows how 'straight' i might just be...

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I'm in a similar situation and am having no luck finding anyone. Everyone seems to run from me and it makes me sad. I would love to know why. Please be honest I am. Please respond to this post no one ever responds to my posts. It took a long time to realize I was barking up the wrong tree, as they say. I got called a lesbian in High School, but no one boys or girls were attracted to me. Can some one please help me?

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It's funny how your life changes over time. Last November, I was resigned to stay in the same home with my husband; by March, I was longing to start my life as a lesbian - and he recently moved out of the home completely.

For a long time I was terrified at how people would react to my coming out - particularly since I had been married and have two children. I was worried that my friends and family wouldn't accept me, and that the lesbian community would reject me because of my former 'straight' status. I haven't experienced much of that at all. I have one friend that has an issue w/ my 'changing teams', but that's it.

The movie 'Kissing Jessica Stein' really had an impact on my life and my final decision to just step out of the closet. The scene where Jessica's mother realizes that Jessica and Helen are dating and tells Jessica that she needs to accept herself, that she (the mother) and Jessica's family will love her no matter whether she's straight, gay or whatever. That scene helped me realize that the acceptance I was expecting to get from the world had to come from within me first, the rest of the world would follow my lead.

So, I stepped out with the intention of just being me. It didn't matter how long it took me to find a relationship with another woman - I was going to be out and be myself and enjoy that for a while. I wasn't even looking for anyone more than maybe a one or two-night stand when I met my girlfriend. She's amazing and things seem to be going well for us.

V, I can completely relate to the feelings of wandering and loneliness that your post conveys. The world can feel like the most cruel place when you're seeking love, affection and acceptance and see it around you everywhere but don't feel like you're on the receiving end. I can't say why you feel that people seem to run from you - or why they would do so. What I can say is that sometimes people run when they sense great longing - which may be interpreted as desperation.

The right person will come into your life when you least expect it. Until they do, focus on yourself - find what makes you happy outside of romance. Find who you are and get the answer to the questions 'What makes me special is...' and 'What makes me happy is...'

One more thing, a couple of years ago, I was in a similar place to where you seem to be today. I yearned to be loved and desired so greatly that it literally hurt - I would say that I wanted it so much that my fingers ached. I spent some time with a fabulous therapist and the Living in the Meantime series by Iyanla Vanzant. The book was a quick read and the workbook changed my life.

In the Meantime : Finding Yourself and the Love You Want

Living Through the Meantime : Learning to Break the Patterns of the Past and Begin the Healing Process

I highly recommend the two books. They may be the key to finding happiness within yourself.

Good luck!


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Please, please, PLEASE don't continue this relationship. You're not happy at all, and it's not fair to him either. It's ok to be bi, gay, whatever. If you find happiness and completeness with another woman, so be it. IT'S WHO YOU ARE, IT'S WHO GOD MADE YOU TO BE, AND NO ONE, NOT EVEN YOUR PARENTS, HUSBAND, FRIENDS, OR WHOEVER has the right to limit your hapiness or stability by forcing you to conform to their outdated standards. It took me 6 years, 2 therapists, 5 suicide attempts and 2 marriages to figure this out. LIFE IS TOO SHORT TO BE MISERABLE. Please let me know how it all turns out. I CARE...


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I am just now coming out at the ripe age of 34. I kept my bisexuality a secret from almost everyone at first. I knew I prefered women over men when I hit high school. Wow, lol. But I lived a lie for most of my life because I was told to believe that I was only supossed to be with men. I love women, your so beautiful and precious. It's best to be yourself and live the best life you can. You only get one.

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