ashleigh

issues surrounding "stealth"

37 posts in this topic

i actually ran into a shrink who thoroughly believes the gender identity dysphoria does not exist. his words were "you can't change nature. you must accept the fact that you are a man. hrt is very controverial and not proven to be effective.'' as the idea of being four-pointed , sedated and secluded was not my idea of a week of fun, he did not go from vertical to horizontal. temptation, temptation, temptation.

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Ashleigh, I do think that public opinion is just beginning to shift in our direction. Transamerica i making TSs a national issue to be reconed with. The some of the air heads in the psychology field will not want to rewrite the DSM so quickly. But the trend is finally changing and gives me hope. Not that it will be easy but maybe the closet will become more a thing of the past. The physical change for me this summer will have major impacts on family, friends and clients in my construction business.... a bit unnerving but the die is cast and I am not turning back. I am relying on my positive attitude to get me through this.

I can certainly understand your anger about your treatment. But I do hope we can find allies in allowing us to define ourselves as we know we are deep inside us. I have good support from my psychiatrist, psychologist and endocrinologist not to mention my TG support group. I do hope that your life improves as newer education and acceptance impacts on us.

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Hi,

Joining this late I'll have to read a lot to get up to speed. I agree, public opinion is changing for the trans community. As more of us are able and willing to come out, as well educate the public, they will get to know more about us. Unfortunaly this is and will be a painful ordeal, as it was and is for the gay community.

If and when someone decides to come out is a very personal choice. They need to base it on what they think they can handle and sacrifice.

For me the decision was hard. I do not hide my male past. My co-workers knew me as a male for several years before I started my transition. While it is a documented fact that most "t's" leave their job and start over, I have not and will not.

I found the term "hyper masculine" to describe some jobs very interesting. For me the issues at work are not only a "trans" thing but are also based on female discrimination. I have made a few FTM friends and am excited about learning what they are going through. We are fortunate to be in a time of open mindedness and "political correctness" as well as the ground work that was laid down by the gay community.

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Hi,

I will have to work hard to overcome some prejudice that a building contractor has to be a man. While I have some concern, I just have to make it work. For old clients it will be a shock. the new ones will be easier. For me having FFS is of most immediate importance to not to raise eyebrows and get off on the wrong footing. My knowledge and skills are my anchor and as Sherry, I actually have better PR skills than as a man. I also cannot wait to go for SRS soon after. That is just to make me feel as whole as possible.

I am ready to face challenges ahead and tend to be flexible and a good problem solver. six years ago I did not even know of TGs and now I am on a fast track to get there.

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i cannot/will not deny any part of my past no mater how distasteful and/or stupid it was. while going through my confused/escapist/not quite so sober phase of life, i learned quite a few things and had experiences that i otherwise would not have gotten to do if i had been able to transition early on in life. one of the things that i most look forward to, besides srs, is being able to teach cops and soldiers cqb. i find it most amusing that here are all these ultra macho guys being taught the trade by a chick. but then again, i am just a tad twisted to begin with. despite that minor quirk though, i am more than ready to do the housewife thing. just got to find the right woman.

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Hi ashleigh,

You sound strong and, I believe have a healthy attitude about viewing the past. My beautiful girlfriend (Probably my ex because she will not accept lesbianism) carries so much baggage about "what if" I had done things differently. She is destroying herself with self hate. I suffer her pain as she is an angel (just not for me).

As they say the best education is gotten at the college of hard knocks, if you are open to the message.

Sherry

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strong in body, but the mental/emotional bit fluctuates too often. 'twould be much worse if i went the self medication route. btdt, got the scars. in certain areas, my self confidence is unshakable, in others, i might catch a fleeting glimpse of it as it skitters past. hmmm, self esteem, does the variation of the phrase 'for a tranny' ring a bell or three? don't get me wrong, i wouldn't trade things, but i find that i kick myself so much that i have to open my mouth to take off my boots.

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something i ran into early on in transition were a few supposed lesbians who tried to convince me to be their bf rather than their gf. it made me wonder what part of lesbian they didn't understand and what part of mtf transsexual that they missed as well. as i was in a very unstable period, it had the tendency to really screw with my mind. i think that if they tried to shave my legs with a cheese grater would have been far kinder and more productive.

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aside from trannychasers, i never imagined that being tg would ever be helpful in getting laid. but apparently the curiosity factor got the better of someone and it kind of developed into friends with benefits. she has been completely open and honest about the whole situation. it may last a few days or a few months, but she also wants to be friends. living out in the sticks, just doesn't provide a lot of hillbilly lesbians. so everything is just purely sex and just hanging out doing what friends do. as this is not a true relationship, the girlfriend experience just isn't there. she is not big on kissing and will not hold me. she also has stated at the bginning that she intends to get married, so basically i am just a fling. i am comfortable with this. between her and mt stuffed dog, i have two thirds of a girlfriend i guess. i always curl up with my stuffed dog when i sleep. the missing third is someone to hold me back. i suppose i could just go ahead and make that coffin shaped bed that i have been dreaming about and then pile all of my stuffed animals in with me and maybe that might help a little.

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dreams remain just that, unless they materialize. thought i could handle it, but i thought wrong. i guess if i was more animalistic, maybe such a thing would work, but alas for all that i claim to be reduced to as close to an animal as possible and still live in human society, it just doesn't work for me. maybe i am aiming too high, i don't know. for all that i am capable of doing and have done, i still kick myself in the end that i cannot find a solid relationship because i am a tranny. self fullfilling prophecy or not, it has been reinforced by all of my past relationships save one. even my marriage reinforced it. there are times that i would love dearly to meet the person who came up with the concept of self esteem and just thrash them severely about the head and shoulders and ask them what the hell were they thinking when they came up with that crock. a few people actually see through my armour that has become instinctual. about like putting on boots after putting on socks. it is comforting and reassuring and yet sometimes scary at the same time. i resist the urge to run or fight, but the feeling is so unfamiliar, i have now working idea of what to do. by unfamiliar, i don't mean it is bad, it is just something i don't often experience, so i don't really know how to react or deal with the following emotions and situations properly. it actually makes cardboard appear to have more depth of character than i at times, even though i know this to be false.

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As far as i'm concerned, it's a matter of judgement--a "need to know" basis--and most DON'T NEED to know! however, when we're talking about entering into relationships, I do believe the other person has a right to the truth.

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On November 30, 2005 at 5:59 PM, ashleigh said:

this post will probably overlap a few other topics, but then again, i have found little in life that does not apply to many other situations. the butch/femme discussions are interesting. from observation and discussion with other mtf persons, i have noticed that the trend is towards the ultra-femme end of the spectrum. my own guess is that we try to emulate what we think society sees as being feminine. the trannychasers are no help either, especially when oft heard comments of 'if you aren't a size 8 or smaller, you have no business transitioning.' throw into this mix the tendency of pre transition mtf persons to engage in hyper masculine occupations (truck driver, soldier, cop, bouncer, etc.). any competent mental health professional will tell us that denial is a bad thing. so the question that arises is how do we integrate our past with our present path without either denying our past or outing ourselves? fortunately, there happen to be quite a few female contractors and construction workers nowadays, so being female and able to swing a hammer and put up a wall ain't as strange as it used to be. the other question that comes to mind is stealth really a healthy goal? i am still kicking all of this around in my head, so any thoughts would be most welcome

Hi Ashleigh,

When I first came out to the world, I was 24, so 17 years ago now, and I had no idea what I was doing, had so many people telling me I had to dress this way or that way and use wigs and tons of makeup and all the other spiel we get told.

So back then I was super big, so I kinda went for the more goth look to try hide a lot of it, and being honest, I definitely looked like a guy in a dress, was no femme about me at all at the time.

Didn't have any bad experiences, actually never had being out dressed, but I just felt like I was going through the motions.

Couple of weeks later, was in Manchester, had a few vodka's and this hetro couple came over to me and friend i was with.

The woman was like wow you girls look good, I looked at her as if to say come on, I look like sh*t try being honest but I never said it, just said thanks, but when I went to the bar I got talking to her fella, and he said, I really hope you don't take offence at this as I not mean it to be offensive in anyway but. you know if you lost all the makeup and the wig and went very natural, I'd never guess you wasn't a girl, as you'd look like a lot of the butch lez's I see around here.

I didn't take offense but it did make me think, and I said to my friend next week am going to try that, curiousity is killing me.

So week afer back to manchester, Had skirt and top, stockings, ankle boots, and a tiny bit of foundation to hide after shadow of beard, and we was sat in a bar and heard two t-girls moaning that they had been asked to leave a lesbian bar, and I looked at my friend and said... thats where I'm going, see what happens.

We went in, and ya know, was one of the best nights I've ever had out, was chatting to the girls, got hit on a few times, was simply awesome, no problems at all.

But if that guy had not of been honest with me, probaly of always been the guy in the dress, not the girl that looks boyish.

So nothing wrong with stealth, nothing wrong with wanting to fit in or wanting to stand out like a sore thumb, just do what feels best for you, as long as you're happy at end of day thats all that truly matters.

One other thing I found too, once you're the way you feel most confident, you tend not to get the same kind of people trying to bring you down like you would normally, exceptions to all rules of course but just something I found over time.

 

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