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When the Ex isn't quite the "Ex" yet.

So yeah. I just got out of a very serious 3 year relationship and although I am very young, this relationship was my coming out, my prom, my getting clean, my graduation from HS and going to college. In essence, this girl has every significant memory from the past three years in her court. The problem is, we are now split up and other than talking on occasion, it's really and truly over.

So now what?

I find myself at a sexual plateau. I've had sex with other women beside my former partner, but now I just... CAN'T do it. I'm attracted to them, I'll flirt to a limited degree, but if they make any sort of advance, I freeze, feel stupid and vanish in the wind. Maybe I'm just not "over" my ex yet, but in a lot of ways, I'll never be "over" her since she was a huge part of my past and the most significant events in my life were shared with her.

I've made more lesbian friends than I have ever had in my life before, and several them have expressed interest. Unfortunately, I'd rather masturbate than even dare to kiss any one of them (regardless of how attracted I am to them.) WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?!

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Sounds like you had a very special relationship with your ex.

It's my opinion that you're feeling the way you do because you're not quite as ready for sex with someone else as your hormones might be -- or as you are ready to be.

When I was in my early 20s and going through a breakup following a very serious relationship, my mother commented that I just needed to get still for a little while, that I just needed to take a break from romance and sex and just be alone for a while. I didn't take that break then, but I did a few years ago (about 5 yrs after her advice). It was amazing. It offered me the time to think about myself and ascertain what I really wanted from life and from a partner.

At the time of my mother's advice, I was going through the same thing you're going through now. It wasn't any fun, and I just wanted to get it over with.

So, my advice to you, take some time for yourself. Just hang out with your friends. Stick with the masturbation for a while. Before you know it, you'll have healed enough that you're ready for sex.

Just imagine how good it'll be after you've waited and a truly ready for it. It'll be mindblowing!

Good luck & may good fortune shine on you.


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Thanks so much. That really means a lot to me. Yeah I realized that there are a lot of things I'm not ready for and that I probably won't be for a while. I've made my peace with that. This is the first time I've been single in SIX YEARS, and I'm only 19!

But want to know what's cool?

I'm really enjoying it.

I've started writing again and I'm getting back in touch with all the things I had lost while being so caught up in love and high school. I'm suddenly remembering how much I like myself!

I met a girl that I like and we have a lot in common. But it's cool because I know where I stand and I've told her this. She respects that and we're just friends. It's nice to have friends.

Thanks again for your support and kind words.  It means more than you know.

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Actually, this sounds completely familiar to me too. I just got out of a 7 year relationship, one that I didn't want to end, btw. We were raising her kids together, be bought a house, went through a lot of just LIFE exeriences together. And now it's over. I feel like complete crap most of the time, I'm still in love with her and it kills me that I can't be with her because she's all that I want. And there's a part of me that just wants to move on, find someone else, just start over, but even thinking about it HURTS.

Have you ever met someone and just KNOWN that she is THE ONE? I never, ever believed in there being one person for me before I met her. I always figured relationships were good for what they were and they'd last as long as they lasted and then it was time to move on. But not with her. Argh!

Anyway, you can clearly see I'm in a lot of pain. I feel that if I were to find someone else (anyone, at this point!) it just wouldn't be fair to them. I can't give them all of me because a good deal of me is still attached to my ex. My heart, for one.

I just don't know what to do half the time. I don't know how to feel and how I should feel and if I'm just like everyone else, or if I really am missing out on something completely special.

Okay, I guess I've rambled enough now. This thread just really hit something inside of me.

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