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Breaking up is hard to do

I have just broken up with a woman with whom I am in love. I think I have just done something which sounds wrong, but seems right. The relationship had many problems especially that she didn't fit well into my world. No one I hang with liked her or ever wanted to be in her presence again! What sounds wrong is that I think I have followed my head instead of my heart in this decision. Every cliche seems to say follow your heart, but it seems wrong here. Has anyone of you had to break up with someone you loved? Any similar situations or ideas about this?

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I have just broken up with a woman with whom I am in love. I think I have just done something which sounds wrong, but seems right. The relationship had many problems especially that she didn't fit well into my world. No one I hang with liked her or ever wanted to be in her presence again! What sounds wrong is that I think I have followed my head instead of my heart in this decision. Every cliche seems to say follow your heart, but it seems wrong here. Has anyone of you had to break up with someone you loved? Any similar situations or ideas about this?

Your situation echoes mine in that the relationship I just got out of had seemed to foster a number of problems. And, when she told me she felt tied down and had often wished she were single. I gave her what I thought she wanted and what I honestly thought would have been best; a break-up. Now I too am feeling as if I made the wrong decision and that I should have followed my heart and tried the "Lets give each other space" thing (which we've made an attempt at several times) but rather I went with my head. I'm kicking myself in the ass and not having an extended network or friends or the few friends I do have not being readily available. I'm finding it hard to cope because I still care about her. I am trying my best to fight any temptation to contact her for the fear that I will ask her back. And, who is to say she'll do me the courtesy of ignoring my calls or text messages?

But in the end I know the decision was right but I just have to "be strong and hold on" to my dignity in the least :)

So - you are not alone!

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the bitch about ending any relationship, whether good, bad, ugly, or for whatever reason, is that you have just lost something. in any relationship you have invested time, energy, yourself, other things. when that is gone it hurts like hell. the end of a bad relationship should logically appear as a time for celebration, but instead we mourn the loss. not the loss of the that person, just the loss. i am just using the bad relationship as an example, but in your cases, this applies also.

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My girlfriend and I just celebrated 9 years together on may 21, on may22 she tells me its over and that she spent the day before (our anniversary date) with another woman. My heart is shattered and I feel like I want to vanish. Does anyone have any help for me? Any place I can go for support? I don't particularly like the bar scene and I am way too old to play some stupid game. I just feel so empty and alone. :cry:

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Rebatech, most cities have lesbian support groups for all types of issues. There you can find others, either in the same situation as you are, or at least other lesbian women you could make friends with to keep your time occupied until you get over the hurt.

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How do I find these groups? I have no idea who to contact or what to look up in the phone book to find such places. I have only recently come out to everyone, so I kept my secrets by not being involved with "the culture", now I have no idea how to find whatever help is out there. Thank you for your reply though, it makes me feel better that there are others out there. Thanks again.

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How do I find these groups? I have no idea who to contact or what to look up in the phone book to find such places. I have only recently come out to everyone, so I kept my secrets by not being involved with "the culture", now I have no idea how to find whatever help is out there. Thank you for your reply though, it makes me feel better that there are others out there. Thanks again.

Hi there. Very sorry to hear about your emotional pain right now. 9 years is a long time, and ending a relationship of that nature is a tremendous life change. We'd heartily concur with the other posters that something like a support group would probably be the best thing for you right now. It doesn't need to seem very "psychological" in nature if you're not into that, nor does it need to "cure" you of anything, but just spending time with others in a similar situation, where you can emphasize together face-to-face . . . some other folks with whom you can talk freely without fear of judgement or homophobia can't help but help at least a little, you know? Good chance you'd even make new local friends, which could also be a bonus.

Like cs1214 said, most larger cities have lesbian support groups. However, you didn't say where you lived, not that we've noticed. :) (If you said somewhere else, please forgive us for not noticing, yet.) Anyway, many major metros have GLBTQ support centers of some sort. Good chance they're in the phone book, or maybe you could find one also with a thorough Google search. Or, perhaps someone already on this forum knows of one you could connect with, but again, you'd probably need to give us a city. If the center itself doesn't currently have a group you could attend already ongoing at their facility, it's likely they'd be aware of where such things might be taking place elsewhere. In our experience, most of these things are free of charge, and the ones that aren't cost very little money. These sort of centers tend to be extremely welcoming to those in their community. Another little word to the wise, and while I don't know that this is necessarily true in your case, in our experience you'd probably have better luck finding a more general GLBTQ center in your local community and asking them about a support group rather than trying to look up "support groups" generally. Meaning, a lot of support groups that are very fine aren't publicized or don't have the money to advertise themselves enough that they'd have their own entry in any phone book, they probably exist as an activity connected with a more general center, if you know what I mean.

Also, we have a LOT of women on our little forum right here that are very supportive. :D Please do check back and tell us how you're doing, we'd all love to hear.

Best of luck in your journey, and we hope you'll be feeling better as soon as possible . . .

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Thanks to all for your concern and support. I live in Canton, Ohio so I should be able to find some help close to home. I appreciate all your suggestions and will check out the resources available as soon as the weekend ends. Right now, I am just trying to stop the tears. Thanks for all your help and this wonderful website!

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Katherine, belle soft stud and Rebatech...my heart goes out to you. I too, am in the same situation. My GF ended it with me on May 3rd, after 5 intensely wonderful years. "Wonderful" for me, at least. I had no clue that she was feeling as if our interests and hobbies were that different....she said she "wanted something back", meaning that she wanted a partner that "walked at her side instead of in the background". I was crushed, but she said we'd talk about it that night. (I always walked at her side and fully supported everything she did.) It was so abrupt, too. She told me 20 minutes before she had to go to work, then told me later that day that she needed the night off to think, and we'd talk the next day. I went to my mom's place for the night, came back home, made a romantic dinner, and then danced around the subject until I guessed that she wanted out. I feel like I've been "led on" for the last year...feeling as if she only stayed because I was "convenient" to have around.

I'd like to think that I'm strong enough to go forward, but its very hard. So far, each day has gotten a little bit easier, a little bit less tears, (except the days it took to move my stuff out), but the hurt is there, I still miss her and have all those "angry" feelings about being hurt. But believe it or not, things will slowly get better for you, Rebatech and Katherine. Let's hang in there......

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Rebatech my heart goes out to you. And to the rest of you as well, but I can identify completely with Rebatech. Although it's been several years now, the memories are still there like it was yesterday. I too was with my ex wife for 9 years, just 10 days short of our 10 year anniversery and two days after a dozen red roses, she decided that we were over, that she just wanted to be friends, never mind what I wanted. I was devastated to say the least. Not only was she leaving me, she was taking the only children I would ever have with her. Most of my friends were "our" friends and it felt like I was all alone. All I wanted to do in find a hole and crawl into it. Well, long story short, that is what I did. It took some time but I eventually stuck my head back out, then the rest of me followed. I had gone from living from day to day to living minute to minute. Eventually. I could see past an hour, and then a day. I have a new set of friends who are very supportive of me and I've even managed to keep in contact with my children. So, life does go on, sometimes not at the rate we would like it to, but it does move forward. So, as it moves forward, feel free to jump back in when you're ready.

If you ever want to talk, feel free to contact me at nightskylvr@msn.com

I understand and I'm a great listener.

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I just got a call from my ex. She was calling from her new gf's house to check on me. Is it me or is that a tremendous slap in the face? I am going from hurt to steaming pissed in a hurry. I just want to scream until my face is blue, but I keep trying to protect her from my pain. Am I an idiot or is this normal? Keep writing guys, its the only thing I have to look forward too right now. Thanks to all who have posted recently, I appreciate the thoughts.

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This is perfectly normal. In fact, I find myself still doing it from time to time with my ex. Everyone says "Just get angry at her and it will get better" Well, maybe it's just me, but I still find it hard to be angry with her regardless of what she has done and continues to do. My advice is try pulling away from her, it's so very hard to do, but you can do it, we all have done it at some point. Things will get better I promise.

Roo

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I could be way off base, but I'm going to give this my best shot. I can only imagine what you're going through because I never loved the first women in my life, I cared about them deeply but I wasn't in love with them. It took me four women to finally find the woman I am in love with and I don't know why and how this occured but I do believe that all things happen for a reason. Having a broken heart must be a bitch and I hope you overcome this one. What ever is due to come your way in terms of love and relationships must be something amazing. Do some soul searching and focus on what makes you happy and I know the right partner will come your way. Best Wishes :)

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The latest? At 5:00, she said she would be right home. At 12:30 she showed up smelling of sex and beer and climbed in bed with me. I just want her out and I want to move on. If she really loved me like she said, she would never have done this. To all the beautiful ladies who posted to me in the past few days, I thank you for your kindness. I know I have a long road ahead of me still, but at least this last trick opened my eyes to the fact that it is over and no amount of my tears is going to change that. I got the chance to check out some of the local support groups and was pleasantly surprised at the amount of help that is out there! I have plans to go out with friends this weekend to a local winery for some fun and light jazz. I can't say I won't be hurting, but at least it should be bearable for a few hours. :lol: Keep posting ladies, I love to hear from you!

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breaking up when it isnt a mutual thing sucks. first there is anger then despair. it shakes your self concept to the core. longing for the one who was the biggest part of your life when now there is just emptyness in all those places makes your soul feel smaler and the space it occupies becomes a cavern. Dark and hard to find your way

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breaking up when it isnt a mutual thing sucks. first there is anger then despair. it shakes your self concept to the core. longing for the one who was the biggest part of your life when now there is just emptyness in all those places makes your soul feel smaler and the space it occupies becomes a cavern. Dark and hard to find your way

^ Very true.

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I just broke up with my girlfriend last week. Two months ago, she proposed to me. Then last week she told me she realized that although she loves me and is very sexually attracted to me, she isn't "in love" with me. She was the first person I was ever able to picture "forever" with. I can't even properly be angry with her because she can't control her feelings! We are going to remain friends, but now everything is so strained and awful. I am completely and hopelessly in love with her. I know I will get over her, move on, and find someone else, but right now that seems impossible.

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sadly ive been there as well. when you love them so much, but can see their flaw that is causing you two to be successfully happy. everyone else pressures you to do it, so you think its the best choice. gahhh.. i broke up with my girl today actually becuz of that same reason. i mean, we had a ton of problems, and im not even sure we could of fixed it. i tried my best. but my heart misses her. her smile, her laugh.. blah. it totally blows, but you have to take care of you first!

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I'm too sentimental. I need to not look at photo's or listen to certain songs. They only remind you of what was and what is now lost.

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My girlfriend and I just celebrated 9 years together on may 21, on may22 she tells me its over and that she spent the day before (our anniversary date) with another woman. My heart is shattered and I feel like I want to vanish. Does anyone have any help for me? Any place I can go for support? I don't particularly like the bar scene and I am way too old to play some stupid game. I just feel so empty and alone. :cry:

So sorry to hear of your relationship. Mine of 10 yrs just crashed and burned too. We have a GLBT in Charlotte which I may end up visiting. But I have enough things around my home that can keep me busy to take my mind off the soured relationship. Maybe you can try that too? Keep your self busy, get a hobby, google GLBT in your area or close enough to drive. Look for bars/clubs that could be near you.

I wish you the best. I'm new to these boards and don't yet have access to profiles. I too am much too old for the bar scene. lol Besides, I don't want to pick up a drunk.

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Yes, breaking up is absolutely hard to do. who wants to let go of the ones they love so much anyway? Oh well in other hand, it also depends on what is the real score between you and your partner. If the relationship involves an emotional stuff, then there i could say its really hard. I have this girl that i liked so much, she happens to be my roomate. We were both attracted to each other and moved together in another apartment where we could be more private. Now, a month later she met a guy who can show her so much, thats one thing i cant cause im not that well off. I was only thinking of making fun of her but why does it hurts so much now? I ended up being a looser and now im slowly moving on. anway how can i break up with her when shes not even my girlfriend? LOL.

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(edited)

I think it's safe to say that you truly do not know how you will handle a breakup; all breakups are different. All loves are different. There is no rule-book on how to handle and get past it, there are only suggestions, and usually the suggestions are things you already inherently know. Sometimes you just cannot get past someone--regardless of what the reason is (ex: you are still in love with them, you two have an intense physical chemistry, you have a temporarily irreversible situation, etc.) What's okay, in my view, is to reach out to like-minds and try to find things in common so you can share that pain. None of it is easy--nobody wants to have their heart broken OR break someone else's heart. The obvious conclusion, however, is to find that understanding elsewhere, as I basically did say already (haha, look at me repeating myself). So many have had their hearts broken or have broken others' hearts and are able to listen. Don't feel alone (that is definitely easier said than done, right?).

Edited by AmandaP89

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