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Does wiser hafta mean sadder, too?

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I'll post the long form of my story if any of you want to hear it, but the short form is that I am 49, and while I have been out to myself all my life, I was closeted most of my adult life, married and had children. Once they were all grown and on their own, I finally came out to the world, about 10 years ago.

My first girlfriend was before I married, and I had a few lovers on the side during my marriage (he knew about me). But for the past ten years, I've been dating openly. Two years ago I met what I thought was the love of my life. It only lasted a year, she shredded my heart and handed it back to me. It took almost exactly a year for me to heal enough to even consider dating again, which I have been doing for the last few months.

My last three encounters with women have been scary. I'm probably holding back and they are sensing it. Its the only explanation I can come up with. The last three encounters I've had have gone exactly the same: She comes to me, makes it plainly known to me that she's interested in dating me... and when I return the interest, and we start getting to know each other, I get the same messege from them: "Oh I just wanted to be friends with you".

I'm not having much luck finding women my age these days. Its these younger ones that keep coming after me, and hurting me, so I've sworn off the younger ones, they don't seem to know what they want... or care that the person they are playing with is extremely vulnerable sometimes...

I'm beginning to think that older and wiser means knowing better than to keep putting my hand in the fire... which makes me sad. It means I'm going to be alone...


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older and wiser does not always have to be sadder. the thing we all get hung up on when looking for relationships is that we all know what we do not want, but we never sit down and really give honest thought to what it is that we do want. i am not saying this is easy, but it is a necessary thing we have to do, otherwise all we do is collect a huge list of what we are not looking for. i hope this is of some help


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Maybe you are right. Maybe you are going to be alone. I won't lie and say that being alone is wonderful (it is lonely!!)but then again being in a partnership isn't wonderful either (just listen to what your friends in relationships complain about!). Either reality has its drawbacks. Both have their selling points. I believe that the wisdom that comes with age is that we have very little control ( you could find ms. right and she could get hit by a bus the next day etc etc.....) so the trick is to be able to accept whatever happens and make the most of it.

I think that I may end-up alone. If I do, I am going to make sure that I keep my life filled with friends, kids and animals. I may be alone but I will not waste my time on fruitless mourning that my life were otherwise.


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press on... at least youre aware of yourself, your troubles, etc. but hey, theres a hell of a lot more to life than intimacy/sex. consider a social justice ministry in your town, that way, youre facing the challenge/enlightenment/new perspective of a relationship (only through your work) and meeting awesome people all the while. :) take care. good luck. etc!

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