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New to this and mentally stuck

I'm new to this active pursuing of other women and that scares me. The young woman I fell in love with in high school a few years ago(I was 17 I think) was very flattered but kind enough to tell me she didn't love me that way. I still felt compelled to defend and protect her. I wrote her a couple poems, I drew fantasy-enhanced pictures of her, I think I was throwing myself in her direction. 

The other young woman I liked after that was a lesbian who told me this, give or take some words, "You either like women or you like men, you can't have both" I tried to get her to understand that I couldn't just decide not to like men.

It was really hard for me not to crush on every girl I knew, even while having a boyfriend( I had the same one for years, til recently) I couldn't help but look.

I even had a best friend who I had a crush on for the longest while, she was a little taller than me, much slimmer, gorgeous smooth brown skin, awesome brown eyes, I even loved her hair when it wasn't permed. I didn't care that she was 2 or 3 years younger, since her maturity balanced out my lack thereof. But I thought about it, and felt that our friendship would be ruined by a relationship like that. She tried coaxing me into sexual actvity later but I refused saying that having grown some(at one point I might have been tempted to agree with her) I couldn't possibly risk our friendship; I told her I wanted it to have meaning if it happened, and she only wanted a sex buddy.

I don't know if I even know how to flirt with another woman without making myself look like an ass. Apparently I send either sexual vibes or "let's just be friends" vibes. Or I could be looking at this over critically.

I do know that I don't like being solicited for sex outright, or subtly no matter how well I know you if I've said no. I also know that women, 99% of whom I think are far more gorgeous than I can ever hope to be, make me nervous when I know for a fact that there is some kind of mutal attaction. If anyone would like to give me some advice that'd be great.

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First of all, there's no rule saying you have to like either men or women. Being bisexual is completely and one hundred percent acceptable and possible.

Second, it seems to me like you're really unsure of your feelings towards specific women, whether they are sexual, romantic, or friendly, and perhaps that is why you're getting mixed messages from people, or repeated unwanted advances. I know that a lot of women, when they first realize their attraction to women, find most women attractive simply because they are new possibilities. In time, you'll find what really does it for you, and your range will be narrowed down. Until then, just take a mental moment to figure out what it is you like about someone, or why you feel attracted to them, and what sort of relationship you think you'd want with them. Then try to make sure that you don't send out any vibes that are in contradiction to your intentions.

As for people's sexual advances, just be calm and clear with them the first time. Say, "Listen, I'm very flattered, but I'm really not comfortable with that sort of situation. If things change, I will be sure to let you know, but until then, I'd appreciate it if we'd just stay friendly and nothing more." And stick to that. When you learn to respect your own boundries, others will as well.

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I'm so glad I read that response....

I've been going through something incredibly similar. Luckily, I've been in/around the gay community since middle school because a lot of my guy friends are gay. (And yes I listen to Margaret Cho)

Anyway, I've always grown up under the impression that bisexuals are greedy/desperate degenerates. That killed me!

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I can relate to this as well.

I had a close relationship with my best friend in high school. She told me she had mutual feelings... But she was afraid...

And I didn't know how to let her know how I felt...

To be honest, we were both trying to find ourselves. And I too felt as though I was too forward, or that I had scared her off.

I was always afraid to come out as bisexual, because I didn't think it was good. So many people used the word "slut" ... Even gay people would say, "Oh they don't know ... They are confused..." blah blah.

Indeed, I had to really look inside myself to realize my true feelings, but I fully support and respect bisexuals.

In any case - Jess... I understand your feelings. I'm still a bit new to flirting with women... I found that just being myself is the best route. What really helped me was thinking about how I want to tell a woman I like her... Something subtle. And if she says no, Hey... At least you put your true self out there, the right person will see it. 

I hope that helps!

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