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Half in the closet and half out

My dad knows, my sister knows, one brother knows, and any friend I have knows. My oldest brother(both are younger than me) kind of knows but I haven't really confirmed it with him because he'd tell my mom. My mom isn't really a part of my life for the most part, and I'm pretty sure she suspects because when she used to get sloshed she'd tell me things like, "don't turn gay/turn into a lesbian" and used to correct me when I was little and admired how pretty a woman was out loud. She'd tell me I'd better be more concerned with how pretty the man was. I didn't understand the comment then and still don't. I was like 5. In first grade, I had a girlfriend for crying out loud.(obviously it was the 1st grade version of a gf)

I lived with my mom's mom for awhile and when in 9th grade I was truthful with myself and realized I was attracted to women as well as the occasional guy(I like "pretty guys", key word "pretty", but usually they were gay, taken, or jerks) . My grandma would probably never accept me if she knew. She has only just started being comfortable with homosexuality in society. As far as I'm concerned, she can die not knowing, in fact I'd prefer it.

My dad's family doesn't know and I don't want them to; all of our cousins and aunts/uncles except one treat us like crap anyway because our mom isn't white; she's native american. Grandpa didn't care, and Grandma loves us, but I just don't want to upset her, she's aging pretty harshly, so stress is bad.

My mom isn't going to die anytime in my near lifetime, and if I can actually ever find a woman/girl/tomboy/anyone who actually likes me in that special way, well my mom is going to know because my siblings don't know the meaning of "Please don't tell Mommy, I don't want to fight her"

I don't live with her, and she basically excludes three out of the four of us from her every day life anyway, but when she finds out she isn't going to like it.

I'm not sure what I'm going to say or do because I have lots of other issues concerning her. I'm often very angry and unforgiving when it comes to her because of childhood issues I haven't made it to therapy to resolve yet(thought I plan to so I can get over it and move on and truly forgive her)

I spent most of my life living in fear of her; what if I displeased her, disappointed her? I always used to feel pressured to do what would satisfy her, make her proud of me, and feel that I failed miserably and that she is forever disappointed in me. Now I feel she has disdain for me and mocks me when I try to express unpleasant feelings I'm having to her.

She always makes it out to be my fault, my overreaction. She always has to be right or else. She is actually very mean spirited when she wants to be,

So when the inevitable(that I'm dreading so bad) happens, what do I say to her? How do I react if she loses it on me? Or calls me names or tells me what a disgrace I am or something?

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You're an adult and at this age in your life her opinion does not matter and you should not let it affect you. My mom kept bugging me asking me if I was gay and finally after the 50th time I came out and said "yes". It was in my early 20's in 92' and she actually blew her gasket as the confirmation and drew her fist back to hit me. I jumped up and said - "Oh no - you will not do that!" and told her that my life is for me to live not for her to live as she has her own life and has lived it as she has wanted.

So don't feel a bit bad about coming out to her. She already knows like my mom did. My mom and dad are great with it after their initial reaction and treat my partner really well - as part of the family and are good parents. Your mom just has to figure out if she loves you and wants to continue being your parent of you. Most parents, after the initial shock, simmer down and are fine with it.

Good luck! Hope this helps! 

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