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why do others feel the need to change their SO?

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why is it that when you meet someone and start going going steady for a bit, that the other person or even yourself has this uncontrollable urge to try and change their mate into someone different?


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That's an excellent question. You didn't say what YOU thought, though. What do YOU think?

I'd like to think that those of us that are just a LITTLE bit older and wiser wouldn't feel that urge UNCONTROLLABLY, like you said. (Because if you're dealing with a adult well past the age of majority, it's just NOT a good idea, is it?) But that could be wishful thinking. On my part and/or the part of others.

I guess I have a few hypotheses, more or less applicable to more or less anyone at random. Here's a few:

- Folks know they have certain intellectual or emotional needs with regard to a longer-term partner, but they impulsively decide to have sex with whomever(s) based on more superficial stuff, probably primarily physical attraction. Maybe social reputation and/or sexual compatibility, if that person's desires are somewhat "outside the mainstream." They don't imagine one particular sexual liaison will continue longer-term, or they just don't care either way. The sex is hot, it continues to be so . . . and keeps on being so . . . and then one day or really after many days, those folks wake up and find themselves feeling kinda sorta In A Relationship. But that person they seem to keep waking up next to doesn't fulfill some of their other needs, so they try to encourage them to start behaving differently. To deepen the relationship with the hot sex buddy, so they can keep up the hot sex but simultaneously get some of their other needs met too, since they seem to keep ending up on various mornings or even just nights with the hot sex buddy and that particular sex buddy seems to be taking up more time than they'd previously imagined she would. But changing the sex buddy's behavior may or may not be realistic.

- Some folks jump into a relationship with someone pretty quickly and THEN feel like that person's life would be improved if they'd only . . . . ??? And gee, might lesbians do this more too? They didn't notice how much that person's life needed to be "improved" before, but after getting to know them, it all becomes "obvious." Occasionally this might be realistic if the person in question has some sort of difficulty or problem most peeps would recognize as such, but probably more often it's the original person projecting their needs and desires onto the person in question. "I didn't notice before how little exercise you get. You should jog!" OR "I didn't notice how your relationships with your family members are all screwed up! You should join a therapy group!" That could work if the person in question actually felt those needs too before you met them. Most of the time, it doesn't.

- Maybe someone is a lesbian and lives in a place with very few lesbians and doesn't imagine moving is a possibility? I dunno, I've never experienced that one, but I'm told it happens. (I would move.) But if you're inextricably bound to a VERY small town and there's only like, 4 lesbians total there, I guess you'd try to make it work with one of those. And then probably that would involve both of you trying to change the other, unless statistical lightning struck and the two of you were actually meant for one another.

- The starry eyes of romance! I've experienced this a couple of times. Which is really one more than I should have been allocated, for the sake of "WTF were you THINKING??" (at least the second time) I guess this is beyond the bounds of "going steady for a bit" but well along the lines of lesbian relationships in general. You get along well DATING, and the relationship goes well DATING, and everything seems totally great DATING. So you think, let's save on rent, let's move in together!!! Wheeeeee! And then . . . WTF?? Sometimes things that can seem charming or even just tolerable in a person you're just dating and/or having hot sex with suddenly "come home to roost" if you move in with them. Stuff you wouldn't care one bit about . . . unless you're living with them. Forgets to pay the electric bill? Can't pick up her wet towels? WHO CARES! (as long as you're just dating) BUT when you're living together, everything about that person can become magnified. Little idiosyncrasies that were just fine or even damn cute now are raining on your personal parade.

How's that? I'd love more feedback. What does everyone else think?


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well, since you asked, i think that in my past, relationships were not based on solid foundations. one example is mistaking acceptance for love- two completely different critters. assumption is another. this is due to a lack of communicating wants, needs, desires, goals, dreams, etc. when i think i am in love, it is like someone (most likely me) has put a set of blinders on me and i cannot/will not see things objectively. that is my most dangerous (to me anyway) trait.


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Well me, personally, would have to agree with Ramona. It couldn't have been said better. I just ended a very short relationship. It started as quickly as it ended. I found myself enthralled by the great sex we had together but then began realizing that that was ALL we had in common. I, later, realized, we're not even in the same book let alone on the same page!


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Its human nature, we don't mean to change people it just happens. Sometimes we think its for the better sometimes its not.

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