lesbotronic

I want to date a woman who is anorexic.

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OK, first off, preamble here, we already have some firmly established and non-negotiable guidelines available that cover reasons for rejection from the personals here:

https://www.lesbotronic.com/frequently-asked-questions.html

(click on "Why would you reject a personals profile submission as inappropriate?")

That's a bunch of stuff that covers suspected scammers, spammers, totally useless internet trolls, and a few other ways we might suspect a profile of being really dramatically insincere or severely inappropriate. We get a LOT of those on a regular basis, and we delete them. NO dilemma there. Again, we DO reject profiles on a regular basis based on the criteria described in our FAQ, and we reject those before any other subscriber would see them.

(And in case it wasn't already apparent to anyone from the above and/or everything else about the site, we do human eyeball review profiles before acceptance.)

HOWEVER . . . there are some gray areas. While we have to be the final word here, we decided to toss out a few recent dilemmas in this section to see what our subscribers would say. We'd very much appreciate any input. We just offered the previous "we are the final word" preamble because we can't promise we'll make any offered opinion policy, but we will absolutely read, appreciate, and duly consider all.

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SO, the dilemma, WOULD BE PERSONALS SUBSCRIBER SAYS, "I want to date a woman who is anorexic."

We've had a few of these recently. Personally, we (that run this site) find this attitude extremely vile. And no, we're not talking about anyone who expresses a preference for slim, slender, thin, athletic, in shape, toned, bony, boyish, anything like that, blah blah blah. NOPE! We are talking about specific use of the word "anorexic."

Anorexia is an illness that kills women. Men too, actually, but usually women. It's a disorder severe enough that even if you recover from it, the damage may be irreversible. And, you might not recover. Someone with anorexia might just die from it, and those that do often do die very young. If anyone reading this doesn't know about Karen Carpenter, look her up.

It really seems to us that someone that expresses this preference is actually saying, "I'd rather date someone who is dying from an eating disorder than someone who might ever appear to be anything other than extremely thin. And I can't just date a slender woman. I need an actual EATING DISORDERED WOMAN, to insure she won't gain a little weight later. And I am also someone who will put pressure on her to remain thin, probably encouraging her eating disorder in the future, possibly discouraging her recovery and hastening her death."

And that makes her . . . well . . . pretty horrid to our minds.

Well, let's back up a minute. We've pretty much scared anyone off from responding to us in any sort of way other than agreeing with us, haven't we? So, those were our reasons for deleting a profile from someone who said that. However, we interviewed some friends and they came up with this PRO list:

The PRO list for accepting a profile from someone who said "I would prefer to date a woman who is anorexic":

1. Women that are actually seeking out anorexics to date are obviously assholes, but they're probably determined to subscribe to lesbotronic and determined to keep on behaving in their own horrid way, no matter what. You should let them say whatever they want to say in their very own profiles (if nowhere else on the site), so anyone reading will know how horrid they truly are. Otherwise, they'll probably just submit another profile later and fail to put in the "anorexic" part. That profile might get by the screening, and then women might date them not knowing about the horridness in advance. By letting the horridness through, you could be saving some women some time in NOT dating that person.

2. Some women are anorexic and may not get better anytime soon. Perhaps they need dates too? (Lesbotronic note: No, they need immediate and intensive treatment FIRST, but OK, this is one on the PRO list anyway just to include it.)

3. Some women might be stupid or insensitive enough to use the word "anorexic" to mean slender, and determined to remain slender, but not actually eating disordered. Perhaps she's a total dumbass but not deserving of deletion, due to general ignorance? ???

OK subscribers, fire it off. What do you think we should think about a would-be subscriber who says, "I want to date a woman who is anorexic?" Accept? Or not? Please include your reasoning. Thanks!

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The word anorexic was a huge red flag and i think you did the right thing. The word itself is so loaded and you named many a good reason for making your final decision. it shows an openness that you were willing to question it and seek the counsel of others, but In my opinion, it did smack too much of perpetuating dangerous situation. No dilemma you did the right thing! OK, OK maybe, just maybe it was someone not too bright using the wrong word, or even a bad attempt at humour. this medium can be hard to tell sometimes, as we don't have the before us to read the cues from. Still you are savvy webmistresses, who have been doing this a lwhile. You gotta go with your intuition and it appears you did.

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Just wanted to thank you for your feedback, Aikidyke! We were hanging back there a bit on responding, wondering if anyone else would throw their two cents in. But, since this is a pretty loaded topic, it's probably not terribly surprising no one else did so far.

We do have dilemmas about doing the right thing since . . . well . . . "right thing" can be a gray area, in and of itself. We're struggling with that regularly. We DO want to do the right thing for our subscribers overall, but sticky ethical situations are happening every day.

Anyway, thanks again!

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I read this the other day and have, now, come back to offer my 2 cents. Gosh, I respect how difficult the decision process must be. It may be helpful to distinquish between mentally challenged and psychotic behavior or extreme narcissistic behavior, etc. As others have pointed out in other folders, management of one's mental challenges is paramount. And, that's the individual's responsibility or their guardians, in some cases. Even though it is difficult, case by case may be fair on some level. Another point of consideration, however, may need to be addressed in the legal department. And, that is, what laws may exit that may govern such decisions? The decisions you may be faced with at times, may not be a matter of the heart, the flip of a coin, or an ethical decision. Legalities governing defined mental challenges may override all of those. I certainly am not an expert on the subject. Just for whatever it may be worth to you. I hope you can find some peace with this.

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I was just wondering, not that I think this is okay or anything or think that such a profile should be accepted, but was there any mention of the applicant also having an eating disorder, and maybe needing someone to support her in her recovery or who can at least relate to her? This would probably be just as unhealthy but people with mental illnesses find different ways of crying out for help. This might be one of them.

I think, as others have said, this would not be a good profile to accept, but I hate to think of people with mental illnesses as being vile and horrid. But of course this would only be true if the applicant also had an eating disorder, which may or may not be the case.

Sorry if I sound like a noob because I am one.

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I was just wondering, not that I think this is okay or anything or think that such a profile should be accepted, but was there any mention of the applicant also having an eating disorder, and maybe needing someone to support her in her recovery or who can at least relate to her?

Hi there, sammistarrdust. The author of the original profile in question was emphasizing the desire to meet a very thin woman, with "anorexic" also specifically requested as an adjective. While it can be difficult to make judgment calls about what is in the mind of another, especially online, it still seemed pretty clear to us that she wanted an actively anorexic woman. As in, NOT past tense, not in treatment for, recovery from, and/or with any immediate intention or desire to recover. Actively anorexic.

And spending time with someone that was actively anorexic would probably impede the recovery efforts of anyone with an eating disorder that was trying to get better. Or, even if they were in a place with their own efforts that it didn't impede them too much, I still don't think it would constitute legitimate support unless that person also wanted to stop.

I think this is different from someone saying something like, "I've suffered from an eating disorder, and I'd be interested in meeting other women that can support me in my recovery, including other recovering anorexics." We would have had no difficulty accepting that. But this seemed quite different.

Make sense? :)

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Well obviously this topic is a little and it seems that the general consensus is that this profile is not ok but I really felt like throwing my two cents in as well.

I agree that this is not acceptable in any way. I am assuming that the powers that be are not professional therapists or dr's or whatever else and therefore it is not their responsibility to police every member to ensure that everyone is healthy and good for others, I think it would be very irresponsible to accept a member who has made it very clear that they are seeking an unhealthy individual and seems to have an interest in her staying that way.

If at some point they had said they had a history and was interested in someone with a simlar history then fine. But from what has been shared here, this is not the case.

I would never claim to be the most mentally healthy person on the face of the planet but i would never specifically seek out someone who is not only bad for me but runs the risk of killing themselves.

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I believe it was a good decision to reject such a profile!

I'm curious, have you heard of thinspo? I came across this a couple of years ago, it shocked and horrified me! It's also known as thinspiration and is a trend I've seen online which is pro-anorexia. There are people who want to be anorexic and see it as beautiful, you can find thinspo websites which give you tips on how not to eat such as if you're hungry, drink water, eat ice or even distract yourself by exercising instead :s you can also find picture gallery's online and on YouTube. So maybe that's why you're receiving profiles with people who want anorexic girls...

Belinda

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I also agree that this was a correct decision. Perhaps the person wasn't using the best language, but this doesn't seem to be the case. I am horrified by this "thinspo."

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I *also* agree that the correct decision was made.

As a recovered anorexic I find the fact that someone would specifically request such as SICKENING. I used to be part of an online support group for eating disorders, and I remember a lot of men would troll the boards and message the girls because they're hot for people dying of starvation. Sick sick sick.

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PRO: The person who says that may be anorexic herself and not looking to recover yet or date anyone who might push them to recover. Peraps she wants to be close to somone who knows what she is going through. Some anorexics actually enjoy being with other anorexics not ready to recover and "helping" each other along to loose more wieght. Not healthy but unless they are under 18 nobody can do a thing about it and patronizing, critizing, and lecturing them is only going to make things worse I know.

CON: I know some guys who think this way and thus I can only assume there are girls who think along these liines too: I once met a guy on the forums o anotheer online community who made me very mad by saying he forces all of his girlfriends to corset down to a very very small size which is unhealthy. He had unruly body standards and must know the actuall waist mesurements for his gfs. Pathetic and extremely superfuicial in my mind its fine to have a body prefrence I for one am mostly attracted to resonably slim girls but I don't find the others ugly and I would never impose change on anyone I dated. So this could be simular to that in which case a big fat delete is the right path.

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I apologize in advance for not reading every bit of all the comments, so I may just be repeating what someone else has said. I think it's important to stress the CARE that is needed regarding mental illnesses in society. And this IS a society, in it's own sweet little way.

Actively seeking to date someone with some type of illness, is definitely a red flag. If you happen to come across someone with one, you fall in love (as lovers or friends), and you have to address this ghost- then that's one thing. But to try and hunt down a specific illness without any sort of realistic, reasonable, heart-felt reason, seems rather off to me.

I don't want to make people who suffer from various types of mental illnesses as incapable, but sometimes you DO need to look after them, even when they don't know it.

And as much as I hate to say it, BECAUSE a person is looking for someone with a mental illness, is a type of illness in itself. I'm not saying it's right. But people like this need as much normalcy around them as possible. A person who needs their lover to be anorexic is just as upsetting as anorexia in and of itself. So the only PRO that I can think of, is to allow them on a site like this in an effort to help them with their ghosts as well.

Realistically, however? A person won't accept help unless they realize they need it, and the CON would be, letting them on this site could be even more disastrous if you have a 'plan' for them once they are here.

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I think you shouldn't accept the profiles of users that only want to date the individuals with the disorders. The women that apply onto the site and mention that they have an eating disorder should be advised that they should seek medical and profession psychiatric help before their profile is accepted. They need to get better before they start looking for relationships so that their relationships are healthy as well.

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My neighbor's mom died from anorexia. It was definitely not cool or fun or sexy or anything positive that I can think of.

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Automatically delete!!! Maybe this sounds hypocritical since I'm plus sized and not the healthiest person but I do feel like someone that wants to encourage someone to remain deathly unhealthy is not someone that should be dating anyone. I am well aware that I have work to do and I would want to be with someone that encourages me and helps me be better not someone that wants me to be worse.

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Absolutely not. 

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I really feel for the admin of this site with profiles like that plus many others I'm sure they get.

Many years ago when I ran an MSN group for the LGBT community and had well over 2000+ members, some of the stuff I came across even turned my stomach and I'm as open minded as they come.

To set guidelines for all admin to follow as a rule of thumb, or moderators as they were known back then, I used to go by what a friend said about serving drinks behind a bar.

He always said, yes the bars whole purpose is to make money and as much of it as possible, but, we that serve the drinks have a moral responsibility to those customers that come in to keep them safe from each other as well as themselves.

He said simple things like if you saw a car key and the person starts drinking, though there is no legal requirement in law or in your contract to say you need to do anything, it good policy to try either convince them that they should get a cab home or kinda check to see who maybe picking them up later, and if you don't like the replies let your boss know so your boss can say sorry it not good policy to promote drink driving.

Knowing when something may not be right and possibility of trouble starting again the boss if responsible asks the customer to leave.

So I used to run my group same way, I would check every profile, and even if legally it made no difference one way or another, I would think if that was my child or brother or sister or parent how would I want that site to react? and everytime I would think I would hope to god they would say sorry we not helping you promote that dangerous activity.

Many of my mods disagreed with my final decision as they simply said nothing legal so not my problem, but I made sure it was down in guide rules so if they didn't follow it they were gone with the customer.

So yeah I think you did right thing not to allow it, have to have a line that can't be crossed in anyway, otherwise it will forever be dented, moved, broken till it way too far to be brought back again.

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I Agree with pretty much everyone above in Anorexia is awful and shouldn't be promoted. HOWEVER, I don't think that person's profile should have been deleted. Eating disorders on both ends are bad, so I assume (ugh...bad word to use) that if ya'll get a profile saying "Oh yes I want a very big women that I can feed all day." *(know this is not a good time for humor but it still fits) Insert Cage and chicken bone here for a hansel and gretel story* , that you'll also delete her profile too. Eating Disorders are deadly but I agree with the pro you mentioned. Let the world see how whacked out this person is. 

I know on my own profile I when i applied, I wrote something along the lines of... I want anybody who won't die soon, and mentioned both disorders as something I did not want. Seems like a given but if someone actively wrote the wanted anorexic people... shoot... I'm glad I don't have to choose what to do.

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Hmmm.... this is really hard I think bell has a good point. After I posted I checked out the Thispo an Ana pro websites and shoot I guess a possibility of keeping a profile wanting anorexic people in beyond enabling but possibly being complicit in that behavior. which is no good... eottokae ... .

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