lesbotronic

I only want to meet other women that are REAL!

56 posts in this topic

I think that you might find this to be a cultural thing. I was raised in Baton Rouge, Louisiana, and its a very, very, very common thing to hear. While it can be annoying, I wouldn't think anything of it if I were you.

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I think that someone who isn't real would be avoiding to not being themselves, for reasons known or unknown,

reasonable or unreasonable. But, in that light, being unreal won't make anything that lasts, a face to wear

for the moment, for a momentary minute of 'greatness'. Until, maybe, one day, that person is ready to be

themselves again, worn out with the facade to the point where the original self was lost. After finding that

self again, then you want to be her, and find a her that is herself as well. So, stating that you want a woman

who is 'real', could mean that you want a woman who will accept you for you, accepts themselves, and you

will do the same.

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This is a great topic...

Real...

I wasn't real with myself -unintentionally, in the past about my sexuality. The way "gays" are treated for being so had me convinced right off that I wasn't, though my family and close friends knew otherwise...

Obviously, you need to be straightforward/honest, about yourself if you want a REAL relationship *note the 'l' and 'a' just need to be switched in this??* with ANYone.

I feel like some one real is as simple as some one being honest. We grow as we live and we learn. We change. To honestly accept this, is real.

That's my opinion.

And how dare any of us lie. Have the courage to say you'd rather not discuss it if you don't want some one to know!

And if you're playing people.... (._. ) wow.

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"Real", to me: comfortable in your own skin, honest, empathetic. Basically, a person who respects themselves as they respect others (golden rule follower) & acts accordingly.

Hi everyone. There have been a lot of fabulous responses to this topic, and we appreciate that!

But just to steer it back a bit to some of the original questions, if we may:

Can someone who is not "REAL" get that way later? What exactly would that entail?

Of course. A lot of who you are & how you come to grow is a learning process. Some people can grow, some are stuck/stunted (generally due to situations in upbringing that were beyond their control).

Thinking about whomever you imagine to NOT be "REAL" . . . would they agree with you?

If they were capable of introspection & considering others viewpoints? As per the above- some would & some wouldn't.

Would anyone that is NOT "REAL" agree that that is so?

Agree that they, themselves, are not "real"? Again, it would all come down to just what the basis of how they are was about. When I say that, I mean- look at the extreme end of the spectrum & consider someone who is personality-disordered (say, borderline or narcissistic). They would charm your socks off all the while they are basically acting. In the case of the NPD, they would never admit to being less than perfect... For the other end of the spectrum, there will be those who are "finding themselves" & who will respond favorably to outside "constructive criticism". In fact, being able to do this signifies an open mind.

Or does every human on the planet imagine themselves to be "REAL?"

If they are capable of true honesty & true introspection (within themselves), then they could not.

Imho, naturally- 

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We have this propensity in today's society to talk ourselves up. Stretch the truth, or at least only show our "best" side (whatever that means). It's happening a lot these days on resumes or in personal ads. Figure that might get you in the door (of a possible job or someone's attention for a possible relationship) but at some point you'll be outed. So why not be honest? Well, how many people have the courage to take a hard look at themselves, and be willing to say it outright?

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I guess I first read "real" as a way of pointing out the whole males posing as females issue. But when I thought more about it, it did seem a bit like transphobia.

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I took it to mean real, as in actually existing. Not secretly a 40 year old man with a beard and tattoos. Maybe I've just been exposed to too much Catfish...

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Phew.. Yes seems like a big can of worms open here.. here is my 4 cents!! From my past run in with chat sites I can say that I have had the crazy stuff happen. I am not the kind to chop down people that want to make friends and such guys or girls but when your on a site for gay women then that's who your expecting to meet not some crazy loser guy,man or boy who can not meet women in the straight world so they figure that their doing the lesbian women of the chat world a favor by pretending to be women so that they can harass you trying to make meeting dates... oh I cant even get to the tip of all that has happen but I am sure some of you know what I mean you wind up blocking half of the people on the site cause they are not women but guys! Now the down side is your on a pay chat site and all this happens while your still in the trial stage and when you cancel and explain the reason the chat site never responds to your concerns and the false people problems. I think that reason alone has put me off on doing the chat site stuff for the longest time.. you never know who your meeting and pictures are just that pictures its not real til your looking at each other face to face..

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Hello everyone! I am here to meet "real" women as well. My definition of "real" is a gay female with honest intentions, not someone "posing" as a lesbian with cruel intent.

~Julia

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Actually, by using a single word to try and convey something, we are attempting to neatly label something. Much in the same way that people insist that gender is a binary concept. As I have noted before, it is easier for us to know what it is that we are not looking for than to know what exactly we are looking for. Approaching the issue from this side requires more thought and self searching, but at the same time it would also make our search for that someone(s) easier, because we now have a far more efficient selection process. There are times that binary decision making has its place. A simplistic example is I want apples. If my choices are not apples, then I simply move on. Yes this does eliminate the possibility of exploration and discovery, but there is always a time and place for everything. Perhaps we go through a series of bad choices in order to find out whether or not something can be compatible with ourselves.

As far as hidden agendas go, everyone has at least one. The only time the agenda comes out into the open is when we decide (un)consciously to bring it there. Quite honestly, I have certain dreams that I will never share with anyone. The very pursuit of them makes them hidden agendas. Just because I will not share them does not make them bad or even undesirable. It only makes them what they are-mine. Even though some of us claim to be open books, there is always something that we keep to ourselves. Aperfect example is the original interpretation of the Harry Benjamin Standards. As post-op females, we expected to basically step out of one closet and into another without getting caught. Right or wrong, that was the accepted requirements. After going through all the hoops and hurdles to get SRS, does that make the woman any less "real" than anyone else?For that matter, does it make any person, male or female, that is undergoing treatment for GID any less real because of the procedures involved?

It reminds me of when people stopped using the term "tranny" and started using the word "trap." That's even more derogitory than the pornographic connotation of tranny or shemale. That suggests the person has a hidden agenda, and is satisfied by luring in someone.

With regards to not falling in the actual trap of the binary gender paradigm, that's where the various third gender persons fall in, from the two-spirited, the non-binary identifying intersexed, the genderqueer, genderfluid, gender-neutral, nongendered, or as I like to call us, Smizmars (see Futurama).

Honestly, I've never known a smizmar to lie about what they want from you, or to be fake in any way, because they're honest about who they are with themselves, and being in touch with all aspects of gender within ones personality in my case means that I don't like to delude myself.

For example, the males who think that a lesbian is magically turned straight by the magic of his wand need to wake up from their porn induced fantasy. A bi friend of mine said a couple propositioned her, because they only want another female to fool around with, and that's because of the two wang rule (TWR, not to be confused with the Wu Tang clan). The idea of the TWR is that if she likes the other person's wang, then she might leave her for him; or worse still, in his mind, he might discover that he likes wang (maybe he just hasn't met the right guy, amiright?), and that idea stirs up his case of the 'notgays.' It's funny, because I know more women who, if they met the right woman would drop their boyfriend a lot faster than if they met a better man. But, given the patriarchy, it's assumed that if a man can't keep a woman, then it's his fault, and fault is especially laid with his genitals.

I don't have hidden agendas, because I hate them. I couldn't live with myself if people couldn't trust me, and when others have suggested that I wasn't trustworthy, I found it devastating, because I have been lied to and hurt so much in life. So anybody who talks with me gets only me, no facades.

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Hello everyone! I am here to meet "real" women as well. My definition of "real" is a gay female with honest intentions, not someone "posing" as a lesbian with cruel intent.

~Julia

That's not marginalizing to bi or queer women at all... no disrespect. I just don't like it when people get so binary and polarized, but naturally, you can date who you want, it's your right, and your choice doesn't make you better or worse than anyone else in any way. It's just your preference, and I shouldn't have let myself get bent out of shape over your post. But it does seem to disregard the existence of women who aren't simply straight or gay (and those who are intersex but identify as female).

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To be more specific, I don't like creepy dudes trying to get a cheap thrill by pretending to be one of us. I love all gay, trans, bi......all people. What I don't like is some straight dude pretending to be a girl, jerking off to our board while his wife is in the kitchen cooking his dinner. I judge noone, but I don't like deception.

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To be more specific, I don't like creepy dudes trying to get a cheap thrill by pretending to be one of us. I love all gay, trans, bi......all people. What I don't like is some straight dude pretending to be a girl, jerking off to our board while his wife is in the kitchen cooking his dinner. I judge noone, but I don't like deception.

Eeew! Yeah, all you had to say was creepy straight dudes pretending to be women. I didn't need that image. I'm with you on deception. I hope you find not just a gay woman, but a really good one for you.

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I personally am pansexual I am looking for just real human beings (that got the basic stuff heart, mind, and soul) not worried about the stuff below the belt and to make lifelong friendships with really awesome human beings and maybe find someone special over the fun adventure. :wub:

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maybe "real" means that the person is not constructed out of tofu or any other imitation human substitutes?

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of course "real" brings us right back to using fuzzy definitions and expecting to get a concrete result. maybe if one is lucky, it will happen, but then again i may win the lottery, too. "drama" also falls in the same category. we use "drama" to represent something that we do not want in our lives, but when do we ever define just what "drama" actually consists of? do we go with webster's definition, do we actually say what we mean by using the term, or do we just simply assume that everyone is on the same page as us and reading from the same paragraph? specifics and vagaries have their place in our communications, but we need to remember which is which in order to cut down confusion as much as possible.

a bad place for specifics would be if a personal read "seeking a lefthanded, lesbian, midget eskimo." very specific, but also sounds extremely fetishistic. vagaries, "wanted-a good woman." what constitutes a "good woman" to that writer and potential viewers?

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real and honest can be touchy areas. especially if one is transgendered. on one paw, we are coming into our true selves through transitioning, but what about the pre transition time? it doesn't go away no matter how much we wish it to. all of our life's experience shows itself in each and every one of us. perhaps it is nothing more than paradox further manifesting itself in our lives, i honestly do not know. using myself as an example, i am definitely more femme than butch, however there are times that the butch past rears its head. that is the part i usually describe as being a trained pitbull. all femme and so forth until certain events trigger the guard dog aspect of my personality. so what the end result is a mental and emotional teenaged girl combined with a forty year old biker. the question of real for me becomes how can i seemlessly integrate the different parts? because from past experience, trying to bury or deny one's past just is not healthy and it usually rearsits head at the mostinconvenient of times.

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Being trans and reading this I can't help but wonder if I will be able to meet that special someone who will love me and want to establish a great relationship. It is frustrating enough to have been living my life with the struggles of being trans and being discriminated by the general public without feeling the same may be true in this community.

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Mmmmm... I like this question and it can go onto many realms though my 1st thought response is.. many people lie ... there are various forms and purposes of lying though not all necessarily in malicious ways... each has thier own motive in doing so.. protection... low self esteem.. hiding from others... even hiding from themselves... not being true to oneself... trying to be whom they think another would want one to be - and this can also be because they are lost within themselves.... lying for maipulation to obtain what ever one wants in self fulfillment of wants and desires...like afraid of not being accepted as how they are... trying to put oneself to be liked by another in hopes they will like them for the story they present to another.. the end result can come to a dishonesty of self a betrayal towards self cause now one carries within them a false representation and on some levels knows this.... it will not sit well within... some are chronic some are habitual.... to me being real is being your true self ... your authentic self... the self who was or is meant to be right from birth.... before the being exposed to the structuring of how society determined you should be as in the traumas or people influences receved throughout our life growing up... not to say all influences we have recieved throughout our life is considered to be unhealthy to the growth of one self... to be real is to be who you are in truth and if you are a chronic habitual liar... then be true to yourself ...see it and deal with it and let others know.

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also in the same boat as "real", is the word "games." any interaction between people can be called a game. so do we want to forgo all games or just certain ones. opting out of all, pretty much limits one's options for any kind of interaction. so which games are we willing to participate and which ones do we run hastily away from?

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Completely enamored by the collective brain of the Administrators! Your public, exploratory surgery on "REAL", was humorous perfection. Leaving me nothing to expand upon and no where to go, but back to the operating theater room to applaud!

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Hi! My name is Metria, and I am brand new here, and I would like to talk about getting Real. The personals was an issue for me, because I had the option between Cisgen, and MTF. Well just so you know, I do not consider myself MTF. If anything the correct term if not just woman would be woman with a transgendered past. I have lived as a woman for almost 20 years now, and have long long ago done everything necessary physically to be who I am and live as such. Although I don't hide my past.. I am very open about myself.. Everyone I know considers me to be a woman for all intents and purposes, and I have had several relationships with woman over the years, and my gender has never really been an issue, except to answer curious well intended questions.. I never mind those. Anyway, because of my choices, I only have one match with my current search results in the personals, because some have chosen not to connect to a transgendered person. I understand, I am not interested in men, or men in dresses either. So the question is, about this Cisgen thing, I think you are all loosing out on meeting a really great woman because of the term. And I don't know how to fix it.

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This is a bit of a derailment of the original idea of this thread, and it might want to become its own thread, but in the meantime, we could talk about this issue here.

Metria, we entirely respect that you are an actual real woman, and a real lesbian. We absolutely DO respect that. You've got our vote. No doubt, no question, hands down.

Some women, lesbian or bisexual or otherwise, are willing to meet trans women and/or women with a Y chromosome, and some are not. We try to give everyone the option to meet whomever they might want to meet, whomever they'd be happy and willing and enthusiastic to meet.

And then . . . we also try to give them the option to exclude anyone they would NOT be happy and willing and enthusiastic to meet.

We imagine that's best for everyone, in terms of who they might message, the likelihood of getting a response back, the probability of those messages turning into an actual relationship, and the overall positive experience of the whole dang thing.

Metria, you seem to be suggesting that if our site had allowed you to categorize yourself in some other way, you might be feeling better now?

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Actually that is and is not what I am saying... I know I sound like a politician... I really don't know what the answer is, and I don't know how to categorize me. I am not gender queer or anything but a woman that likes women. I soooo understand the need for a separation here.. I don't know how to fix it, all I know is that I am segregated by my honest answer from women that I am sure would love to meet me, and even just hang out.

I guess in a perfect world there would be an option for almost cisgen, but I am sure just the thought would exclude most women too.. This is why I threw this out here, I was hoping someone else could tell me how a beautiful woman like me could find a match with more than one woman on the board...

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Metria, I imagine the bedrock issue here is that it's unfortunate that more people aren't open to various relationships with transfolk.

I can certainly join you in thinking that that is unfortunate. I'm totally with you there.

But I can't join you in imagining that more categories would actually solve that social problem. I'm afraid I particularly don't think an "almost cisgen" category would. People that definitely aren't interested in meeting transfolk aren't going to make those sorts of finely tuned distinctions about it. They're just going to pick cisgendered only, and leave it at that. Any deviation from that would not be what they'd want.

I don't even think it would result in more people in your search results. You seem to think that an additional category could somehow "talk people out of" their prejudice or lack of interest here. Unfortunately, I just don't think we have that sort of power.

I think this site as an overall entity encourages open-mindedness and tolerance of a greater range of diversity. It also exposes a whole heck of a lot of people to at least the idea of folks different from themselves, and helps normalize those differences, at least to some extent. And I think that's definitely a good thing.

But on the level of an individual subscriber during any one particular moment, if she doesn't want to meet transfolk, I don't think we can successfully suggest or prod her into it just by changing our profile questionnaire . . . or anything else on the site.

And, I'm sorry to have to say this, but if they definitely aren't interested in meeting you because you're not absolutely cisgendered, I think you're better off not meeting them too. Again, I'm sorry that this is the case, but if someone isn't in your search results for that reason, I actually think it's appropriate that they're NOT in there. More people isn't actually a good thing if they're the wrong people for you.

Social progress happens slowly for a lot of people. I don't know if you'll find this encouraging, but at least on our site, younger subscribers are more likely to indicate openness to transfolk. Also, in the US, subscribers in blue/liberal/progressive states are more likely to indicate openness than in red states like Florida. Keeping this in mind, if travel is possible for you, you may want to consider expanding your geographic range.

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