partner thinks kissing is "icky," advice?

I have been in an exclusive intimate relationship with a woman for a little over a year. We are both in our 40's and have had prior intimate relationships with other women before we met each other. Intimacy with a woman is not the issue. When we first met in person, she told me that she doesn't kiss open mouth or tongue, until she's been in a relationship with a woman for a few weeks. It was a bit confusing, since we had already "jumped into bed", prior to her telling me this. We had been talking online and by phone for a while before we met in person. I respect personal boundaries and said all right. I had no problem giving her time that she needed. I did however say that making out open mouth and tongue was a very big deal for me. I don't know how to explain it, but it's like disolving into the moment, into my partner, feeling the edge of each other blur. I've been told by several partners that I am an excellent kisser. I can happily make out for hours. Respectful of her wishes I waited and she seemed ok with more passionate kissing after several weeks. I let her know how much I liked and appreciated the kisses. Six months or more into the relationship she informed me that open mouth and tongue when kissing is "icky" and she wasn't going to do it. I maintain good oral hygiene and don't shove my tongue down her throat or twirl it around like a plane propeller. I have manners and am sensitive to the needs of others, but I have needs too. I feel lied to. She didn't want time to know me, she waited until I was emotionally attached to tell me she found it icky and it wasn't going to happen. She hasn't had a problem putting her tongue anywhere else. I'm at a loss. I won't breakup over this, I love her, but I'm very hurt. Has anyone else experienced something like this? I can't even talk to her about it right now, she's very busy with post-grad school and understandably focused soley on that. I'm grateful to have a place to vent here and thankyou for reading.

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Hi there, velvetspoken. Wanted to give you a reply here, but must admit I'm having a bit of a hard time parsing this.

But if I'm understanding correctly, you're dating a woman who first told you she did like kissing, but wanted a bit of a getting-to-know-you period first . . . then six months later, contradicted herself and said kissing you would be "icky?"

This does not sound promising. Not just the potential kissing incompatibility, but the apparent fairly severe lack of self-knowledge into the 4th decade of life there for her and/or the emotional dishonesty/runaround with regard to communicating about her likes and dislikes.

I would wonder if you've found her not up to par with interpersonal honesty in other ways, or if there's something else going on in the relationship that might explain the withdrawal. "Icky" might be her way of expressing that, but I don't find that promising either.

It's obviously everyone's right to choose what they do/not want to do with others physically, but using shaming words like "icky" with regard to the interests of someone you've cared about enough to date for six months sounds both intentionally hurtful and emotionally immature. She should take your desire to kiss her as a big compliment, even if it's not reciprocal. The intentional hurtfulness there seems quite the bad news. Busy with grad school is NOT an adequate explanation.

Guess I'd also wonder what the pros are in continuing to date her. You say you find it difficult to talk to her about it right now, but I think you really must find a way in the near future if you do want to continue. If you can't express that her behavior was hurtful and get some sort of constructive response, I'd imagine you're at an impasse.

Hope that helps? Sheesh. Maybe . . . somehow, a little? :)

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Yes your answer was helpful. Actually she and I had a discussion about the problem and underlying issues and your answer was right on target. Fortunately we were able to work things out.

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