lesbotronic

Cheating I: What Is Cheating Looking Like, These Days?*

Cheating I: What Is Cheating Looking Like, These Days?*   71 members have voted

  1. 1. Cheating I: What Is Cheating Looking Like, These Days?*

    • Never have, never would cheat.
      37
    • Did cheat, but never would again.
      18
    • Never cheated thus far. Might cheat if an opportunity arose, but not actively seeking one.
      3
    • Cheated in the past, but not cheating NOW. Might cheat again, or not, can't predict.
      7
    • Never cheated, but currently considering cheating with someone I already know in person.
      1
    • Never cheated, but currently shopping for someone new to cheat with via the internet.
      1
    • Have cheated, probably will/am planning to cheat again.
      2
    • "Cheating" doesn't apply to me, as I have never and would never agree to any form of sexual exclusivity beyond basic safer sex considerations.
      2

Please sign in or register to vote in this poll.

(This poll is associated with the other post in this same area, "Cheating II.")

(Registered users CAN respond to this poll anonymously. We'd love comments too, especially to clarify your current sexual orientation, general life situation, and your reasons for your poll response.

AND/OR, we'd like comments on who cheated on you, if that happened (sorry about that).

However, if you're worried about posting something incriminating, additional comments WILL display your username. Just a vote on the poll would NOT.)

* Just in case this still needs clarification, by "cheating" we don't mean open and honest non-monogamy or polyamory, or even casual dating/sleeping around, and/or the beginning of a relationship in which no explicit agreements have been made.

"Cheating" means that you have an agreement with your partner(s) about some form of sexual exclusivity, but you intend to break or are already breaking that agreement secretly and in such a way that if your partner(s) found out, it would probably be surprising and upsetting for everyone involved.

Meanwhile, while the idea of "cheating" obviously could apply to couples who have agreed to be strictly monogamous, it could also apply to the polyamorous or not-strictly-monogamous, if what you do or did falls outside your agreement(s). It's pretty equal opportunity and/or cross-orientation/preference. It's all about what you SAID you'd do vs. what you actually did or are doing, people, alrighty? Thanks!

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Well i would not and could not cheat on my Mate, spouse, significate other. My dad cheated On mom. Was difficult to respect him after that. I myself have been cheated on and cannot Respect that type behavior. I guess for me it Goes with the 'integrity' lesson i teach my Students every class. It also goes along with Love and respect for my other half.

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So right. I agree. Alof of people these days just don't have any morals.

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I have been cheated on, and it hurts a lot. I would never want to put someone through that. Its just not worth the pain.

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Why risk it?! People suck!

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Never have and never will. Why have an "exclusive" relationship then cheat. Just be honest with the other person that you don't think being exclusive is good for you right now. Honestly breeds more trust than a ruse ever will.

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While a bunch of members have cast votes, it would seem the only ones responding to clarify their vote are non-cheaters (which is probably not surprising). While your non-cheating behavior is certainly morally upstanding and totally commendable, it probably would have been a more interesting discussion thus far if some cheaters had rung in too . . . or some of those cheated upon had shared some (non-identifying) details about your specific situations.

In case it wasn't already completely obvious, no, we here at lesbotronic don't recommend cheating. Nope, no way. There's a significant chunk of text in both our FAQ and our advice section where we clarify our position that cheaters usually eff their situation all to hell, for themselves AND their cheatees, BOTH.

However, while we certainly don't recommend it, we don't find it at all SURPRISING that people cheat, even within polyamorous relationships. Even when the cheaters still do care about the relationships/persons they are cheating on.

Like . . .

- cheater is in a supposedly monogamous relationship, and would like it to stay that way but just FOR HER PARTNER - doesn't want HER PARTNER sleeping with anyone else, because that would make the cheater jealous or insecure and she doesn't feel like dealing with that

- cheater lacks impulse control/got in a situation where she felt out of control (substances, emotionally overwrought, etc.) and had impulsive, unplanned sex with someone else, but now feels bad and doesn't intend to do it again, but doesn't think a "one-time mistake" should ruin her current more stable relationship

- cheater could tell her partner she doesn't want her relationship to be monogamous at all and/or anymore, but she imagines (rightly or wrongly) that her partner has an ironclad expectation of monogamy and then she'd get dumped, doesn't want to lose partner

- cheater actually already in agreed upon polyamorous relationship, but person she wants to sleep with falls outside agreed upon parameters of acceptable additional partners, she wants to sleep with them anyway, but doesn't want an argument or a break-up

- cheater actually already in agreed upon polyamorous relationship, but doesn't want to reveal identify of person she wants to sleep with to present partner, possible shame or surprise element (first same sex partner, first trans partner, first whatever else, etc.), would rather keep that aspect of her sexual identity a secret, at least at present

. . . and I could go on.

Would anyone ever forgive a cheater? Would you ever take them back? Why/not?

Would the circumstances of the cheating matter? Who they cheated with? How many times? If they were under the influence? If it was last year or last week?

It might be educational or interesting to discuss some of that too. :)

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On August 6, 2013 at 6:24 PM, lesbotronic said:

Would anyone ever forgive a cheater? Would you ever take them back? Why/not?

Would the circumstances of the cheating matter? Who they cheated with? How many times? If they were under the influence? If it was last year or last week?

It might be interesting to discuss some of that too. :)

 

 

  1. No and no. You already messed up a good thing. You show that you have weak moral character and I'm not down with that.
  2. No. You did it and I'm not happy. There's no good reason for cheating.

 

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There's no good reason for cheating.

Agreed, like we said before. No. Good. Reason. For. Cheating.

Excuses, hell yeah. GOOD reasons? Nope.

Might there be any decent-ISH reasons for EVER taking anyone back?

Or is it all just a moral absolute, no gray areas, everyone gets kicked to the curb situation?

I'm certainly NOT necessarily saying you should ever take a cheater back. Nope. But whenever you're going to draw a really hard line, moral absolute situation for your partner . . . you've got a hard row to hoe on your end too. If you demand perfection on your partner's part, you better deliver it back in kind.

And possibly not just on the cheating front.

(Just wondering if there is any interesting discussion here to be had.)

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I'm pretty hard lined on what's acceptable and what is not. Now if you asked me 5 years ago? I'd say I may take them back. But now, they'd have to throw themselves on the mercy of the court. It'll probably still be a "no," but they are welcome to submit a application for review.

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Ok dear ladies of Lesbotronic, let us air some dirty laundry. Interesting? Your call. Shameful? Probably. Necessary? Definitely! Or, not.

While I do not think there is any good reason to cheat, I do believe there IS a good reason to cheat on the person who cheated on you.

In my younger days, not that I'm old now, I was in the 4th year of what I understood to be a monogamous relationship. One night at a party, I walked in on my partner & another, dare I say slut? Yes I dare, in the throws of drunken passion in a back bedroom. I made myself known to them and, mind you, the looks of embarrassment, humiliation & regret might have been enough for someone with a heart, to chalk it up to an almost empty Tequila bottle on the nightstand.

But noooo, how could I allow that to go unanswered. She was going to pay and she was going to pay big.

I let her apologize, suck up and kiss my ass for the next week or so. I knew that she truly regretted what she had done and she was willing to do pretty much anything to keep our relationship together.

It was at this point that I brought another woman home to our bed, timing it so my girlfriend would come home from work and walk in on what I had walked in on a few weeks before.

As I had planned, she was shattered. But as I said earlier, she was going to pay big.

I managed to turn the situation around and made her realize that this was her fault. Again she ended up apologizing, sucking up and kissing my ass because what she had done had made me cheat on her. I milked this for some time.

Once she believed our relationship was back on solid ground & she felt secure about us...I left her.

That my friends is what cheating can do. I'll leave it to others to decide who was the worst person in my story. But I'll tell you this.

Years later, I would be cheated on once again, only this time I would lose everything that meant anything to me. This time, I just let her go. No fight, no pride, heartbroken & crushed, I just let her go.

Cheating is anything but cut & dried.

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On August 6, 2013 at 0:09 AM, Rammy Lynn said:

Ok dear ladies of Lesbotronic, let us air some dirty laundry. Interesting? Your call. Shameful? Probably. Necessary? Definitely! Or, not.

While I do not think there is any good reason to cheat, I do believe there IS a good reason to cheat on the person who cheated on you.

In my younger days, not that I'm old now, I was in the 4th year of what I understood to be a monogamous relationship. One night at a party, I walked in on my partner & another, dare I say slut? Yes I dare, in the throws of drunken passion in a back bedroom. I made myself known to them and, mind you, the looks of embarrassment, humiliation & regret might have been enough for someone with a heart, to chalk it up to an almost empty Tequila bottle on the nightstand.

But noooo, how could I allow that to go unanswered. She was going to pay and she was going to pay big.

I let her apologize, suck up and kiss my ass for the next week or so. I knew that she truly regretted what she had done and she was willing to do pretty much anything to keep our relationship together.

It was at this point that I brought another woman home to our bed, timing it so my girlfriend would come home from work and walk in on what I had walked in on a few weeks before.

As I had planned, she was shattered. But as I said earlier, she was going to pay big.

I managed to turn the situation around and made her realize that this was her fault. Again she ended up apologizing, sucking up and kissing my ass because what she had done had made me cheat on her. I milked this for some time.

Once she believed our relationship was back on solid ground & she felt secure about us...I left her.

That my friends is what cheating can do. I'll leave it to others to decide who was the worst person in my story. But I'll tell you this.

Years later, I would be cheated on once again, only this time I would lose everything that meant anything to me. This time, I just let her go. No fight, no pride, heartbroken & crushed, I just let her go.

Cheating is anything but cut & dried.

 

You're cold, but I liked it for some reason.

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That will always be one of my biggest regrets.

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(edited)

This is where I cause a little trouble by adding some information perhaps not thought of before. I can't answer the poll because my choice isn't out there.

We've been in a recession for many years (please ignore what the government is telling you - it's a recession and the unemployment numbers are falsely reported - that's another discussion for those who may be too bored to write about it). Unlike 20 years ago, it's very hard to own a house and "divorce." There may be one primary supporter in a relationship that may exist but also may be sexless for many, many reasons. In some cases, yes, it's cheating - if you can afford it, end the relationship. In other cases where money is TIGHT, why not safely supplement your sexless relationship?

I hate euphemisms and am not using any. But there needs to be a current term that allows for this type of situation. In my case, we've talked about it. Actually, my partner said it was suggested and it just did not work out. So, the word is out. We no longer talk about it an I cannot leave - that discussion is one we've had. So, I'm looking for what I would say is a friendship/intimate/relationship that may lead to sex. I'm 60 but far from over the hill. Do I think it's wrong? No, not in my case. After many, many years, I'm looking and not expecting anything. Values change due to the times. It's not a matter of morality to me either.

Do I think my father and two ex-brother-in-laws were wrong when they screwed around? Yes and my sisters found out. Is it hypocritical? Nope. They had a choice and eventually took it and divorced.

***

Andreja: To each her own. I think of revenge (it's just that way) but don't act on it. But I won't judge you for what you did. I hope you're okay.

Edited by lesbotronic

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I did cheat before, but I won't do it again, because, I have been cheated. I know how it hurts now. What goes around, comes around!

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Well, I'm not necessarily sure if I was cheating or not but I think it was near borderline cheating. But, I was on this one online game and I coupled this Asian guy the day my exgf broke up with me (I took the break up really hard btw and didn't like the guy more than a friend) and I asked him on FB (later on) if we could be bf and gf on there but he said no cause of all his friends would bug him about it. We were never like romantic with each other. We were more like friends than anything then I met this one guy on another game and he asked me to be his gf so I said yes. So, I don't really know if that was cheating or not. Then there was this other time I was with this girl but she wouldn't give me the time of day. So I ended up falling for a close friend of mine. I ended up flirting with her a little but it was like really bad flirting. Not dirty just bad. And we did have like a movie date via skype but my sister was there so it was a date and not at the same time. So yeah, not sure if it was cheating but if it was, I'll never do it again cause I felt incredibly guilty even if these aren't really considered cheating. Even though some people consider online relationships "not real", I still consider it as such and sadly, all my past relationships had been online.

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I have cheated....i felt bad about myself and more for my gf at the time. I will never do it again. Next time if i even think about cheating i will discuss it with whomever i am with to see if we need to end things or to see what we r lacking

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I have never cheated. I wish I could honestly break the two party system that is monogamy, but I can see that it would hurt my partner so that's not possible. A little while ago at a party a woman threw herself into my lap, (literaly). I had such a good time bouncing her like a baby. It was a lark. Then when I told my partner about it I could see hurt feelings. Really bouncing a woman on your lap is nothing relatively speaking and even that was cause for hurt feelings.

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On August 6, 2013 at 6:24 PM, lesbotronic said:

While a bunch of members have cast votes, it would seem the only ones responding to clarify their vote are non-cheaters (which is probably not surprising). While your non-cheating behavior is certainly morally upstanding and totally commendable, it probably would have been a more interesting discussion thus far if some cheaters had rung in too . . . or some of those cheated upon had shared some (non-identifying) details about your specific situations.

In case it wasn't already completely obvious, no, we here at lesbotronic don't recommend cheating. Nope, no way. There's a significant chunk of text in both our FAQ and our advice section where we clarify our position that cheaters usually eff their situation all to hell, for themselves AND their cheatees, BOTH.

However, while we certainly don't recommend it, we don't find it at all SURPRISING that people cheat, even within polyamorous relationships. Even when the cheaters still do care about the relationships/persons they are cheating on.

Like . . .

- cheater is in a supposedly monogamous relationship, and would like it to stay that way but just FOR HER PARTNER - doesn't want HER PARTNER sleeping with anyone else, because that would make the cheater jealous or insecure and she doesn't feel like dealing with that

- cheater lacks impulse control/got in a situation where she felt out of control (substances, emotionally overwrought, etc.) and had impulsive, unplanned sex with someone else, but now feels bad and doesn't intend to do it again, but doesn't think a "one-time mistake" should ruin her current more stable relationship

- cheater could tell her partner she doesn't want her relationship to be monogamous at all and/or anymore, but she imagines (rightly or wrongly) that her partner has an ironclad expectation of monogamy and then she'd get dumped, doesn't want to lose partner

- cheater actually already in agreed upon polyamorous relationship, but person she wants to sleep with falls outside agreed upon parameters of acceptable additional partners, she wants to sleep with them anyway, but doesn't want an argument or a break-up

- cheater actually already in agreed upon polyamorous relationship, but doesn't want to reveal identify of person she wants to sleep with to present partner, possible shame or surprise element (first same sex partner, first trans partner, first whatever else, etc.), would rather keep that aspect of her sexual identity a secret, at least at present

. . . and I could go on.

Would anyone ever forgive a cheater? Would you ever take them back? Why/not?

Would the circumstances of the cheating matter? Who they cheated with? How many times? If they were under the influence? If it was last year or last week?

It might be educational or interesting to discuss some of that too. :)

I was married to a man, a very abusive man for 16 years which produced 4 amazing children and then I realized what love really was - a woman, my best friend  - and I left my husband for her, without being divorced, so I technically cheated but the day I left, he sent me an email telling how he wanted to hurt me and I left.  I don't think cheating is right but I guess I have to admit that I did it.

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I've never cheated even emotionally. Unfortunately, I've been cheated on more times than I care to admit.  Granted in some of those instances  I wasn't doing all I could in the relationship but that doesn't  excuse  the behavior.   I am poly,  every relationship I've been in except one has been poly.  Even in poly relationships  I've been cheated  on when all one had to do is let me know who they are with and be safe.  I honestly  don't understand  why people  feel the need to sneak around. I'd rather be dumped and have my heart broken that way than be cheated on and lied to.  Lying to someone you claim to care about is the worst.  It tells them you don't care and you don't respect  them or trust them enough to be honest.  People  don't seem to realize that cheating  is a form of abuse.  I say this because  hurting someone  intentionally is abuse.  Neglecting to consider how you're actions affect those that truly care about you is something  I consider  abusive. This is just my opinion and maybe I'm wrong but I don't believe  that I am.

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I've cheated. I met a monogamous type before I was willing to admit to myself that isn't who I am. By the time I realized it and felt trapped by the relationship, and was unhappy, we were already married. I met someone else at a bar one night and ended up having an affair. I wasn't looking to cheat, it wasn't something I actively sought out. I regret the affair a lot, and it did a lot of damage to my marriage (though my husband did forgive me). 

I would forgive someone who cheated on me, but we'd have to have a long talk about trust after something like that.

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"I am not a cheater," and "I have never cheated." I cannot begin to count the number of times i have had others say these words to me - or - have myself used them to another person. Most of the time, these words are said by cheaters. Myself included. 

In my last relationship, i thought i would try something i had never done before: 100% total honesty, from the very start. During one of our conversations, she mentioned that the last couple relationships she had endured were lost to her through cheating. Although she had never cheated, her last few partners did! What did I tell her about myself? What was something I have never told another living soul? "To be honest, I have cheated on everyone I have ever dated." 

So why did she not end the relationship right there? Our conversation, on the topic, continued to the point of searching my own heart, my past relationships [as a whole, not individually - few, if any, names were mentioned - just the feelings, etc] and the basic reasons why I cheated. The expression, "But honey, it didn't mean anything," has been suggested as maybe one of the few truthful moments in a man's life (notice the word, "it," as opposed to the word, "she"? "It," implies and action; whereas, "she," implies a personal involvement). For men, the act of some torrid tryst is often a matter of convenience and/or simply and over-active, uncontrollable libido. However, if a woman were to use that same statement, she is lying through every pore of her being! With very few exceptions, when a woman cheats, it did mean something. There was a reason she cheated. 

Looking back at my previous relationships - please note: although I just admitted to cheating on almost every partner i'd ever had, not one of those relationships ended due to my cheating. Yeah, not only was I a cheat, I was good at never getting caught, as well. But, the fact remains; if I truly desired to be happy with one - and only one - woman, why would I have ever cheated on anyone? What was the reason i felt compelled to do this? Was it just me? Was it the relationship? To start, these relationships were wonderful, loving, caring... but, somewhere along the line the honeymoon went away. Then the devil incarnate showed up. Who was this devil? It wasn't me. Then again, I couldn't blame her [her, as in: whomever the woman may have been, that i was dating at the time] either - for she was just being herself. The devil was the reality that - although there was caring - we were going through the motions. We were fighting for a relationship that had no business being. The spirit, feistiness, spunk, joy for life, i once had was being drained from me. I wasn't, at that point, the same person i was when i entered that relationship.

So, back to the woman who did not immediately dump me, once i spoke honestly about my past .... Honesty, COMPLETE TRUST, and open communication made all the difference. After we had been together for 6-months or so, we found ourselves nearly 3,000 miles apart. One of my ex-GFs needed help on a project. It wasn't long after she picked me up from the airport before i discovered that this woman still had a severe thing for me. So, here I was: 3,000 miles away from my GF. Spending a week with my ex-GF, who still had the hots for me... what do you all think happened?

1) My GFs friends filled her head with all sorts of nonsense and horror stories about what was happening - especially pointing out my cheating past. My GFs only reply was, "If it happens, it happens. There's nothing i can do about it ... nor would want to do about it. She [me] is with me because she wants to be with me. Besides, I trust her!" Imagine that... she trusted a self-confessed cheater!

2) My ex-GF and I did a great job on the project and finished our work splendidly. On our off hours, we chatted, had nice dinners, had a few drinks.. even soaked in the hot-tub a couple nights. However, I slept on the couch!

3) Sure she made her feelings known, both verbally and non-verbally. I also had no problems with the occasional hug or kiss on the cheek - hey, that's who I am. But, i was not having any of it past simple friendliness. I made my points perfectly clear. "Come on," she'd say, "She's 3,000 miles away. She'd never know." My reply was, "Yes, she would know. Because I would tell her."

Did any of you see that coming? I don't mean the concept of just telling my GF, "nothing happened," but the fact that nothing actually did happen? Here's the interesting part: Although i do find my ex-GF attractive and very-sexually satisfying... not once, during the course of that week - alcohol and hot-tubs included - was even the remotest bit tempted. I was happy with my GF and I had zero desire for anyone else. 

Although we are now apart, over the course of the next four years, not one single time did I very cheat on her. Sure, like that time with my ex-GF, there were plenty of opportunities. Never once did I consider jumping at one of those opportunities.

For all you jealous-prone types out there: 1. It makes no difference of her past ... it's the way she feels right now. 2. It makes no difference the desires of anyone else ... she still has to agree. Trust her fully, make it easy for her to be honest and never give her a reason to look anywhere else. 

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Been a good read this subject, and it is easy to say I'd never cheat, or what does it matter if I did?

I've had a few relationships, some with girls, some with Trans women, was actually close to moving to canada to marry one lady I thought was perfect woman.

I was always brought up to beleive if you commit to someone then you trust them 100%, doesn't matter if they with an ex, spending a night out with their work friends, or new friends, or having an all night party at a works do etc, the fact is you picked them, and they picked you, simple as that:

Now for my own personal experiences, one trans woman I met we started as friends, after a while it develloped into more, and I gave her my heart and soul.

I found out by pure chance she cheated, and when I asked her politely if it was true or not, she said yeah she had, now don't get me wrong, my heart was a serious mess, but I said ok, everyone allowed one mistake, slate wiped clean, start afresh.

Not once did I ever bring it up, never accused her of anything, but within a few months I found out she did it again, and I just walked away, said relationship over.

The genetic girl I was going to move to canada to be with and marry, something cropped up online and she automatically presumed I had cheated on her, and I said do you trust me? yes/no?

An because she couldn't say yes, I put my heart in the meat grinder and walked away from it all, and a large part of me still feels I made wrong decision, but thats my cross to bare.

As for me personally, I'm not perfect, though I've never actually cheated on a partner, did end up in more than a few situations where it been way too close to the line, if not for that little voice in my mind saying come on leslie this just isn't you, stop, would of been so easy to do it and not get caught, and for the life of me I still don't know what made me stop.

I do know why I ended up in those situations though, and they not excuses, but maybe some of the posters in here may relate to what I'm about to put:

Because of way I was born, hating the body I grew up in, and still do to a point, when someone had showed me affection, my first thought always been why me? why not that pretty girl over there? or why not that gorgeous trans girl behind me? I've never liked myself so how could anyone else? so no matter what happened next I always presumed at some point the other person or persons would go nahh screw this we want someone else. bye bye.

But way too often that didn't happen and things progress and then it comes down to should I just go along with this? or should I say no stop? and it's a very very fine line to walk and I do understand how it can be so easy to fall over to wrong side of it, as times I wanted to just let myself fall on the wrong side and enjoy the moment, enjoy that moment of warmth & pleasure from a total stranger, from someone you don't ever expect to even like you in first place.

But those past experiences and the fact I've been so close myself even though never falling off that line, it made me realise it would not be good for me to ever commit 100% to a monogamous relationship again, either open or polly or something where that commitment more relaxed so less chance of getting hurt.

Just remember, it's fine to give someone one chance, but if you give them more then you're just giving them the green light to keep hurting you.

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I'll add my two cents in a very small nutshell. I was in a marriage which felt it was only being held together by my own energy. I'd considered myself (in my younger years) bisexual & I told him this. He courted me hard-- from afar (long-distance relationship). As time went by, I could never put my finger on the feeling I had that the kids & I were, "props", for lack of a better term. It wasn't until much later that I learned the terrible truth.

I'd told my ex-h what I was going through (resurfacing feelings & thoughts about women) & he basically shut me down- didn't want to know. As we lived in a very remote area, I looked for help on-line. I found a forum for bisexual women who were trying to maintain their marriage while working through their feelings for other women. Without intending to, I ended up meeting someone there who I eventually fell for. (Yes, I'm that stupid).

Prior to this, I had started looking for work in another town & looking at rentals. I knew I needed to leave & that my ex wouldn't fight for us-- it was just a gut feeling, but proved correct. He traded his children in order to keep his assets & his status in his small town. Only when we decided to divorce did he admit to never being in love with me & not feeling for the children the way I did...To this day, I know he would have been happy if I'd stayed there, unhappy & living a lie.

I disagree on the perfect-world, black/white stance re: "cheating". There are many areas of gray in human relationships. Using the broad-brush might be easy & feel good for some, but it's not really applicable for most situations. Imho.

 

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