lesbotronic

Cheating I: What Is Cheating Looking Like, These Days?*

Cheating I: What Is Cheating Looking Like, These Days?*   46 members have voted

  1. 1. Cheating I: What Is Cheating Looking Like, These Days?*

    • Never have, never would cheat.
      21
    • Did cheat, but never would again.
      13
    • Never cheated thus far. Might cheat if an opportunity arose, but not actively seeking one.
      1
    • Cheated in the past, but not cheating NOW. Might cheat again, or not, can't predict.
      6
    • Never cheated, but currently considering cheating with someone I already know in person.
      1
    • Never cheated, but currently shopping for someone new to cheat with via the internet.
      1
    • Have cheated, probably will/am planning to cheat again.
      2
    • "Cheating" doesn't apply to me, as I have never and would never agree to any form of sexual exclusivity beyond basic safer sex considerations.
      1

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(This poll is associated with the other post in this same area, "Cheating II.")

(Registered users CAN respond to this poll anonymously. We'd love comments too, especially to clarify your current sexual orientation, general life situation, and your reasons for your poll response.

AND/OR, we'd like comments on who cheated on you, if that happened (sorry about that).

However, if you're worried about posting something incriminating, additional comments WILL display your username. Just a vote on the poll would NOT.)

* Just in case this still needs clarification, by "cheating" we don't mean open and honest non-monogamy or polyamory, or even casual dating/sleeping around, and/or the beginning of a relationship in which no explicit agreements have been made.

"Cheating" means that you have an agreement with your partner(s) about some form of sexual exclusivity, but you intend to break or are already breaking that agreement secretly and in such a way that if your partner(s) found out, it would probably be surprising and upsetting for everyone involved.

Meanwhile, while the idea of "cheating" obviously could apply to couples who have agreed to be strictly monogamous, it could also apply to the polyamorous or not-strictly-monogamous, if what you do or did falls outside your agreement(s). It's pretty equal opportunity and/or cross-orientation/preference. It's all about what you SAID you'd do vs. what you actually did or are doing, people, alrighty? Thanks!

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Well i would not and could not cheat on my

Mate, spouse, significate other. My dad cheated

On mom. Was difficult to respect him after that.

I myself have been cheated on and cannot

Respect that type behavior. I guess for me it

Goes with the 'integrity' lesson i teach my

Students every class. It also goes along with

Love and respect for my other half.

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So right. I agree. Alof of people these days just don't have any morals.

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I have been cheated on, and it hurts a lot. I would never want to put someone through that. Its just not worth the pain.

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Why risk it?! People suck!

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Never have and never will. Why have an "exclusive" relationship then cheat. Just be honest with the other person that you don't think being exclusive is good for you right now. Honestly breeds more trust than a ruse ever will.

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While a bunch of members have cast votes, it would seem the only ones responding to clarify their vote are non-cheaters (which is probably not surprising). While your non-cheating behavior is certainly morally upstanding and totally commendable, it probably would have been a more interesting discussion thus far if some cheaters had rung in too . . . or some of those cheated upon had shared some (non-identifying) details about your specific situations.

In case it wasn't already completely obvious, no, we here at lesbotronic don't recommend cheating. Nope, no way. There's a significant chunk of text in both our FAQ and our advice section where we clarify our position that cheaters usually eff their situation all to hell, for themselves AND their cheatees, BOTH.

However, while we certainly don't recommend it, we don't find it at all SURPRISING that people cheat, even within polyamorous relationships. Even when the cheaters still do care about the relationships/persons they are cheating on.

Like . . .

- cheater is in a supposedly monogamous relationship, and would like it to stay that way but just FOR HER PARTNER - doesn't want HER PARTNER sleeping with anyone else, because that would make the cheater jealous or insecure and she doesn't feel like dealing with that

- cheater lacks impulse control/got in a situation where she felt out of control (substances, emotionally overwrought, etc.) and had impulsive, unplanned sex with someone else, but now feels bad and doesn't intend to do it again, but doesn't think a "one-time mistake" should ruin her current more stable relationship

- cheater could tell her partner she doesn't want her relationship to be monogamous at all and/or anymore, but she imagines (rightly or wrongly) that her partner has an ironclad expectation of monogamy and then she'd get dumped, doesn't want to lose partner

- cheater actually already in agreed upon polyamorous relationship, but person she wants to sleep with falls outside agreed upon parameters of acceptable additional partners, she wants to sleep with them anyway, but doesn't want an argument or a break-up

- cheater actually already in agreed upon polyamorous relationship, but doesn't want to reveal identify of person she wants to sleep with to present partner, possible shame or surprise element (first same sex partner, first trans partner, first whatever else, etc.), would rather keep that aspect of her sexual identity a secret, at least at present

. . . and I could go on.

Would anyone ever forgive a cheater? Would you ever take them back? Why/not?

Would the circumstances of the cheating matter? Who they cheated with? How many times? If they were under the influence? If it was last year or last week?

It might be educational or interesting to discuss some of that too. :)

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Would anyone ever forgive a cheater? Would you ever take them back? Why/not?

Would the circumstances of the cheating matter? Who they cheated with? How many times? If they were under the influence? If it was last year or last week?

It might be interesting to discuss some of that too. :)

  1. No and no. You already messed up a good thing. You show that you have weak moral character and I'm not down with that.
  2. No. You did it and I'm not happy. There's no good reason for cheating.

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There's no good reason for cheating.

Agreed, like we said before. No. Good. Reason. For. Cheating.

Excuses, hell yeah. GOOD reasons? Nope.

Might there be any decent-ISH reasons for EVER taking anyone back?

Or is it all just a moral absolute, no gray areas, everyone gets kicked to the curb situation?

I'm certainly NOT necessarily saying you should ever take a cheater back. Nope. But whenever you're going to draw a really hard line, moral absolute situation for your partner . . . you've got a hard row to hoe on your end too. If you demand perfection on your partner's part, you better deliver it back in kind.

And possibly not just on the cheating front.

(Just wondering if there is any interesting discussion here to be had.)

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I'm pretty hard lined on what's acceptable and what is not. Now if you asked me 5 years ago? I'd say I may take them back. But now, they'd have to throw themselves on the mercy of the court. It'll probably still be a "no," but they are welcome to submit a application for review.

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Ok dear ladies of Lesbotronic, let us air some dirty laundry. Interesting? Your call. Shameful? Probably. Necessary? Definitely! Or, not.

While I do not think there is any good reason to cheat, I do believe there IS a good reason to cheat on the person who cheated on you.

In my younger days, not that I'm old now, :) I was in the 4th year of what I understood to be a monogamous relationship. One night at a party, I walked in on my partner & another, dare I say slut? Yes I dare, in the throws of drunken passion in a back bedroom. I made myself known to them and, mind you, the looks of embarrassment, humiliation & regret might have been enough for someone with a heart, to chalk it up to an almost empty Tequila bottle on the nightstand.

But noooo, how could I allow that to go unanswered. She was going to pay and she was going to pay big.

I let her apologize, suck up and kiss my ass for the next week or so. I knew that she truly regretted what she had done and she was willing to do pretty much anything to keep our relationship together.

It was at this point that I brought another woman home to our bed, timing it so my girlfriend would come home from work and walk in on what I had walked in on a few weeks before.

As I had planned, she was shattered. But as I said earlier, she was going to pay big.

I managed to turn the situation around and made her realize that this was her fault. Again she ended up apologizing, sucking up and kissing my ass because what she had done had made me cheat on her. I milked this for some time.

Once she believed our relationship was back on solid ground & she felt secure about us...I left her.

That my friends is what cheating can do. I'll leave it to others to decide who was the worst person in my story. But I'll tell you this.

Years later, I would be cheated on once again, only this time I would lose everything that meant anything to me. This time, I just let her go. No fight, no pride, heartbroken & crushed, I just let her go.

Cheating is anything but cut & dried.

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Ok dear ladies of Lesbotronic, let us air some dirty laundry. Interesting? Your call. Shameful? Probably. Necessary? Definitely! Or, not.

While I do not think there is any good reason to cheat, I do believe there IS a good reason to cheat on the person who cheated on you.

In my younger days, not that I'm old now, :) I was in the 4th year of what I understood to be a monogamous relationship. One night at a party, I walked in on my partner & another, dare I say slut? Yes I dare, in the throws of drunken passion in a back bedroom. I made myself known to them and, mind you, the looks of embarrassment, humiliation & regret might have been enough for someone with a heart, to chalk it up to an almost empty Tequila bottle on the nightstand.

But noooo, how could I allow that to go unanswered. She was going to pay and she was going to pay big.

I let her apologize, suck up and kiss my ass for the next week or so. I knew that she truly regretted what she had done and she was willing to do pretty much anything to keep our relationship together.

It was at this point that I brought another woman home to our bed, timing it so my girlfriend would come home from work and walk in on what I had walked in on a few weeks before.

As I had planned, she was shattered. But as I said earlier, she was going to pay big.

I managed to turn the situation around and made her realize that this was her fault. Again she ended up apologizing, sucking up and kissing my ass because what she had done had made me cheat on her. I milked this for some time.

Once she believed our relationship was back on solid ground & she felt secure about us...I left her.

That my friends is what cheating can do. I'll leave it to others to decide who was the worst person in my story. But I'll tell you this.

Years later, I would be cheated on once again, only this time I would lose everything that meant anything to me. This time, I just let her go. No fight, no pride, heartbroken & crushed, I just let her go.

Cheating is anything but cut & dried.

You're cold, but I liked it for some reason.

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That will always be one of my biggest regrets.

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(edited)

This is where I cause a little trouble by adding some information perhaps not thought of before. I can't answer the poll because my choice isn't out there.

We've been in a recession for many years (please ignore what the government is telling you - it's a recession and the unemployment numbers are falsely reported - that's another discussion for those who may be too bored to write about it). Unlike 20 years ago, it's very hard to own a house and "divorce." There may be one primary supporter in a relationship that may exist but also may be sexless for many, many reasons. In some cases, yes, it's cheating - if you can afford it, end the relationship. In other cases where money is TIGHT, why not safely supplement your sexless relationship?

I hate euphemisms and am not using any. But there needs to be a current term that allows for this type of situation. In my case, we've talked about it. Actually, my partner said it was suggested and it just did not work out. So, the word is out. We no longer talk about it an I cannot leave - that discussion is one we've had. So, I'm looking for what I would say is a friendship/intimate/relationship that may lead to sex. I'm 60 but far from over the hill. Do I think it's wrong? No, not in my case. After many, many years, I'm looking and not expecting anything. Values change due to the times. It's not a matter of morality to me either.

Do I think my father and two ex-brother-in-laws were wrong when they screwed around? Yes and my sisters found out. Is it hypocritical? Nope. They had a choice and eventually took it and divorced.

***

Andreja: To each her own. I think of revenge (it's just that way) but don't act on it. But I won't judge you for what you did. I hope you're okay.

Edited by lesbotronic

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I did cheat before, but I won't do it again, because, I have been cheated. I know how it hurts now. What goes around, comes around!

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Well, I'm not necessarily sure if I was cheating or not but I think it was near borderline cheating. But, I was on this one online game and I coupled this Asian guy the day my exgf broke up with me (I took the break up really hard btw and didn't like the guy more than a friend) and I asked him on FB (later on) if we could be bf and gf on there but he said no cause of all his friends would bug him about it. We were never like romantic with each other. We were more like friends than anything then I met this one guy on another game and he asked me to be his gf so I said yes. So, I don't really know if that was cheating or not. Then there was this other time I was with this girl but she wouldn't give me the time of day. So I ended up falling for a close friend of mine. I ended up flirting with her a little but it was like really bad flirting. Not dirty just bad. And we did have like a movie date via skype but my sister was there so it was a date and not at the same time. So yeah, not sure if it was cheating but if it was, I'll never do it again cause I felt incredibly guilty even if these aren't really considered cheating. Even though some people consider online relationships "not real", I still consider it as such and sadly, all my past relationships had been online.

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I have cheated....i felt bad about myself and more for my gf at the time. I will never do it again. Next time if i even think about cheating i will discuss it with whomever i am with to see if we need to end things or to see what we r lacking

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I have never cheated. I wish I could honestly break the two party system that is monogamy, but I can see that it would hurt my partner so that's not possible. A little while ago at a party a woman threw herself into my lap, (literaly). I had such a good time bouncing her like a baby. It was a lark. Then when I told my partner about it I could see hurt feelings. Really bouncing a woman on your lap is nothing relatively speaking and even that was cause for hurt feelings.

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