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Dealing With The Past...ptsd all are so strong and optimistic.

I am "only" 27...i say only because in chronological years that seems very small and insignificant. But i think, through experience and dealing with stigma, i am much older than my 27 years.

i have had a diagnosis of multiple personality disorder (now they call it dissociative identity disorder) for the past 5 years. I have been in treatment (called every diagnosis in the whole piece of crap DSM---psychiatrists bible) for the past 16. More than half of my life.

And i missed (if indeed missed is the correct word) junior high and high school.

i want to be in a relationship, and yes i realize that it will be work and i will have to adapt and i may have to go through some serious pain, but i want to be loved and to love. The problem is i freak out about little things. characters in movies kissing. sitting next to someone on the same couch. a stranger looking at me for too long. let alone holding hands with a potential lover.

Slowly things are getting better. but i have so many questions...

and i cant ask my therapist. she is straight and seems to shy from any broaching of the topic of same sex love.

and i am too afraid to read books or watch movies or other media.

and the last two women who said they loved me couldnt believe i was so stupid and ignorant. They had no patience and grew bored, impatient, angry, restless and petulant.

anybody who can field some questions?

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So many directions to go in my response. First, have you met all your alters? Have they done their therapy? If you have a therapist that is directing your choices you might want to find someone else. This is your journey and though these folks are educated if they have an agenda different than what your "others" want you'll have to do quite a bit of negotiating.

Next, it sounds as if you have bit of PTSD going on and you might want to try some Rapid Eye Movement Desensitizing. Once again I'm wondering if it is your challenge to work through your sexuality topoics with this particular therapist. I've fired many a therapist when I realized I had out grown what she had to offer, found she wasn't a match with me stylistically. I tended to look for Humanist Therapists not Freudian as I worked through my own PTSD. I didn't need one that thought kicking me in the butt/ pushing me was the solution. Challenging and wondering about something is a different modality. Coming from a great deal of abuse you don'r want to replicate it. Just saying.

You need to get a handle on yourself as the others need to get a handle on themselves. You are driving the bus! Not until you have that part resolved can you hope to add the dynamics of a intimate relationship.

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Biofeedback and brain mapping coupled with frequency adjustments that your own higher self chooses is a good start. It will break the cycle of fear. Meditation will then be easier. Through meditation you can then explore and delete ideas and emotions that don't grow corn. Erasing limitations placed by conversations, actions and those passed on through DNA is the hardest and most rewarding thing you will ever do in life. Be fearless. You have already lived through it once and it didn't kill you. What do you have to lose? Fear. Sacrifice it for your highest self.

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